When Other People Just Don't Get It

[Rackonteur]

How do you feel when other people just don’t get the health issues you have to deal with? How do you respond?

Tonight I went out with a new friend in her car. She had parked it on a slope in the lot, which was OK when we walked up to it, but when we got home and I realized we would have to walk back down the slope I thought, “I just can’t do this.” I stood there by the car and looked at the slope and felt my back and my leg and since she was looking at me like “Why are you just standing there?” I told her I didn’t think I could do the slope. She sort of laughed and said that it wasn’t much of a slope, of course I could do it.

Do you ever get tired of people saying things like that to you? Whether it’s a long walk from the barn to the pasture, or a 2-step when you need at least a 3-step, or something else you can’t do physically or mentally, and you try to be open and honest, do you get tired of people just not getting it?

I can understand a little kid not getting it, but an adult?

Earlier today I was talking with another new friend, one who used to ride, and she said that even if she could get to a barn she didn’t think she’d be able to get up on a horse anymore. I said I felt the same way and even if I could get up I didn’t know if I’d be able to get back down. At least we understood each other, even though we don’t know exactly what health issues each other is dealing with. Not so much health issues, thank goodness, as soundness issues.

[CFFarm]

Humans are basically pretty self involved…as the saying goes “walk a mile in my shoes” or in your case “down a slope in my shoes”. Until someone lives with a disability it’s hard for them to completely understand.

[paintedpony]

I hear you, and understand. It is not until you are faced with limitations yourself that you can comprehend.

Others do not understand that what you are capable of today, may be greatly different tomorrow. Today, I am hauling pails of water, and square bales, tomorrow I might not leave the house. The waxing and waning of symptoms, pain control and other variables means that each day is unique. Yes, yesterday I was doing that effortlessly, today it is impossible. I just tell others that I have good days and bad days. What I can do depends on that.

[Maythehorsebewithme]

I did not understand other people’s disabilities until my mom became limited, and I had to take care of her. Suddenly, stairs, etc. became mountains. We had to find a new dentist because the first one’s office was not disabled-friendly. It as an excellent learning experience for me, and I now understand other people’s health issues much better.

[Where_sMyWhite]

@CFFarm

Until someone lives with a disability it’s hard for them to completely understand.

This exactly.

Until one lives with a disability, hard to really know what it is like. I always assume that unless they or an immediate family member has a disability, they won’t get it.

If a friend said that to me, I’d simply remind them that while the slope wasn’t much of a slope and that she could do it didn’t mean I could. Yes, that sometimes means asking for assistance (which I personally detest having to do).

A few weeks ago I was parked in an ADA parking spot at a county library. It is a spot I like since the striped area is vey wide and allows plenty of room for the ramp in my van. When I returned to my van, someone had parked a few feet over the striped area :eek: . I was able to get back in my van but it was definitely a tight fit without hitting their fancy truck. I saw a county ranger and asked if they could leave a note for the driver of said truck and the ranger made the comment that he’d have never noticed that if I hadn’t said anything. Sigh.

I made a similar comment to a driver who’d parked over the striped area in a grocery store parking lot and discovered that a) driver was retired law enforcement and b) that he thought the striped area was for walking :rolleyes:

It is not easy when life is full of challenges that are not always visible to the more abled…

[Sue_B]

I’ve had unstable freakin’ knees since shortly before my 12th birthdays (a jillion years ago) and multiple surgeries and multiple joint injuries. My back, neck and hips look like an 80 year old’s, but I still look somewhat athletic. Most of my life I have heard snide comments about not “trying hard enough” in some pick up game of soccer, volleyball or basketball and listened to judges laugh at the horse jog outs we used to do in hunter classes. I’ve had to use a mounting block, or a fence, rock, log whatever, for some 20 years now (ever since I broke my hip) even for my little horse who is only 15.3hh much to the “disgust” of riding friends who don’t need those “luxuries.” I totally “get” not feeling capable of walking down a slope or down a flight of stairs even though I still hike through our hills. I know how painful and sometimes scary downhills can be; I handle them either by going very slowly, stepping sideways or even walking backwards. Your friend is just blissfully ignorant, not intentionally mean. One day, like my 80+ year old mother, she’ll discover what it is like to be physically unsound, and it will come as quite a shock to her. Meantime, smile and nod and don’t get hurt!

[Abbie.S]

My grandmother, who is one tough lady, once said of a PT that tried to push her too hard, “to be naïve can often mean to lack compassion, after all, it’s not a stupid man’s fault he’s stupid!”

I think she meant in tongue in cheek, but I try and keep it mind when around someone who just. doesn’t. get it, because they’ve never been there. I don’t have any physical limitations, but have had plenty of struggles with depression and anxiety. There were days where I had all I could do to get out of the house. When friends would urge me to get out because “it’ll do me some good” all I could do was shake my head because I knew they just didn’t understand how much of a drain it was. It’s not like you forget how horrible you feel once you leave your porch…

Offer your friend the compassion she seems to be lacking for you and try and keep in mind they just don’t know. :no:

[Obsidian_Fire]

I have been, and am, on both sides of the coin and I think until somebody experiences a disability of their own, they can’t fully “get it”.

I’ve been quite guilty of rolling my eyeballs when somebody has said “I just can’t do that” thinking to myself “if you’d just get off your #*$^ more often you’d be fine” only to find myself in their position even tho I wasn’t sitting on my arse.
So it can happen to anyone at any time for any reason or no reason and it sucks.

I guess I’m just trying to say OP that I understand you, I feel it, you have hugs from me. :encouragement:

You said this is a new friend; I don’t know how much you are comfortable sharing with this person but maybe if they had more perspective on your limitations they could be better prepared next time?

[cayuse]

I agree that most people do not understand what it is like to be disabled or have a handicap unless they have experienced something similar themselves. I also.think that there are a few people who use another persons disability as a reason to feel superior to that person. If someone laughed at me because I could not walk down a slope, I would be wondering if she belonged to the former or the later. When I read that your friend “sort of laughed” at you it pissed me off, no one should be laughed at in that circumstance. If she didn’t understand it was hard for you to walk down the slope, OK, it’s a learning process for her as the friendship is new. But the laughing isn’t nice.
Rackonteur I am sorry you experienced that. BTDT myself with enough people that it has made me cynical.

[CorazonLock]

I can somewhat relate. I’m in my twenties and I’m in awesome physical health overall. However, I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and now IBS. Sometimes I freak out over little things or can’t do something because of a mental block. I’ve been berated before for this, and I don’t usually disclose my mental health issues to people I don’t know for fear of judgment.

Right now, I’m prepping to move out of my parent’s home. I’m already ashamed that I’m still living here at 24, but I’ve struggled so much with depression and anxiety off and on that I now know better than to try a major change when I’m struggling after two failed attempts. People think it’s so easy to just move out. Like what’s the big deal? For someone with anxiety and a complete fear of change though, it’s a huge deal. And when people act as if I’m lazy or a mooch or something else, it deepens my depression.

In the horse world, I’ve had IBS flare ups at shows where my nerves caused me to be in the bathroom 3-4 different times within an hour. I’m always scared that I will have an accident while riding. My anxiety has caused me to skip shows and lessons. One time, I was having panic attack after panic attack in a group lesson. I quit part of the way through because it wasn’t a good situation for me or my saint of a horse. I lied and said I had an ulcer. I was afraid to be judged.

Explain it to those that don’t understand. Empathize with those that do. I feel for you.

[Magicboy]

You know the old saying: I could explain it to you but I can’t understand it FOR you

[Where_sMyWhite]

Rates right up there with how often complete strangers (like I’ve never seen them before strangers) who ask me why I am in a w/c and then get completely miffed when I tell them it is none of their business :rolleyes:

[shayaalliard]

I have some aspie like spectrum disorder, and fairly serious anxiety and a history of abuse. I look fine. I fake being fine pretty well. But, people get really mean to me sometimes. I’ve been in a string of abusive relationships, been walked over by friends, etc. There are two non family humans who have been long term friends and can accept me fully for myself. TWO. My sister is my other person- she says “you just cant people at all”. Animals are better.

No, I CANNOT make that phone call. No, I can;t ask the store clerk where the nuts are, or tell my waiter that this food is wrong. No, I CANNOT look you in the eyes, especially now that you are yelling at me. No, I didn’t listen to your voicemail, as it wasn’t worth the hour of anxiety it would take me to work up to opening it. Even email has become hard now. If you want me, text me. You didn’t answer my text and now I can;t sleep, trying to think of what I have done to make you hate me. When you wake up to six texts, don;t laugh at me. My logical mind knows you were probably asleep, but I can;t make the worry stop whispering. Not good enough. Not normal enough. Not good enough.

I work online, but I also work trade shows, and I have done retail since I was 16. I fake it VERY VERY well- because I work to my strengths- I can sell horse tack and pet supplies, because they are my obsessions. I know EVERYTHING about every item I sell, and I LOVE to teach you about it. Closing a sale, pressure tactics, etc, not me.

I use the internet and my phone like a wheelchair. Behind these keys I can be normal enough for passing people. I can be safe and hidden enough to not be afraid- most of the time anyway. I am NEVER out of reach of it. It is NEVER off. The battery NEVER dies- I carry around two backup batteries and 3-4 cords. I have serious panic if I cant find it-.

So thanks, jealous (you pay more attention to that phone than to me) boyfriend for smashing it beyond repair twice and throwing it out the window onto the highway once of the course of our relationship and driving away as I screamed and beat my head against the dashboard. And NO, buying a new one that came 5-6 days later did NOT make it ok.

Sorry, been a rough week. OP I totally get it, and I am sorry. I don’t have answers, but you are not alone.

[Myout]

I tend to follow the “don’t complain, don’t explain” way of life. I used to worry and accommodate others to the detriment of myself. Fibromyalgia taught me that I MUST come first, and to not care what others want/think as they don’t return the sentiment!