Fortunately, I simply do not have the room, or the want, to have many horses at home. She’s taking the only space available. It would be much harder to even consider if I had unlimited stalls, but I don’t. It’s a little hobby farmette.
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I know exactly how you feel! I’m a 50 something who keeps my horses at home and ride alone a lot. 3.5 years ago, I bought a big 3 year old gelding and it’s been a challenge, to say the least! I’m an experienced horse person but I really misjudged how it would be starting a big greenie after just riding my old steady eddies for so long. I considered selling him briefly early on but I’m glad I didn’t. We are making progress, just way, way slower than I had expected. He is doing really well w/t/c in my backyard arena but tends to get nervous when I take him anyplace which makes me nervous and you know how that goes. So even though I had thought that by age 6, we’d be doing training level dressage at schooling shows and jumping little courses, maybe doing an intro horse trial, this year I just mainly rode at home and hauled out to an arena on occasion plus trail riding with my boyfriend which is great to get him out in a relaxed manner. Sometimes I really miss the days of being able to jump on my horse and ride anywhere / do anything without a care in the world and I don’t know if I will ever get there with this guy. But maybe when you get older, it changes no matter the horse you have. It’s occurred to me that maybe I don’t even have the guts to jump anymore?? But I do love this horse, his personality is stellar and I enjoy looking at him every day, so I would say that I am enjoying the journey. Good luck!
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That’s awesome for you and I think it is unfair to project a black beauty attitude because it worked out for you. Alternatively, this horse that dumped you weekly could have created a career ending injury or worse.
OP you could find a horse tomorrow and in three months trust this horse with your life and feel like you can read their mind.
Relationships do not have to be forged out of fear and “earning it”.
It takes self awareness and humility to acknowledge your limits. She will find a home that’s a better fit and you’ll find a horse you can trust more. By summer you could be hacking on the buckle and trailering off property with confidence knowing you’ve got a rock solid horse on board.
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Whether or not a given horse is dangerous is entirely in relation to who is riding him. A course can be dangerous for me but not for a race track pro. A horse can be safe for me but dangerous for a beginner.
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Pretty unfair and unkind response. You are a pro, she is not.
She is middle aged, that comes with its own set of wack-a-doodle body changes. She is admittedly fearful. She is home alone. Her horse is supposed to be her safe space - emotionally and physically, and she is bravely admitting that it is in fact not, and she is in the process of leaving that toxic relationship and seeking support and seeking support and validation for her decision.
Just because you worked through (after years…) your issues with your horse doesn’t make it the correct road for her.
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I’m in a similar situation. Sort of. We keep our horses at home. I have two that I ride, and my husband has two that he…is supposed to ride. 
He just doesn’t have the time to ride one full time, let alone, two. So one of his in particular is a very nice, tall ottb that we’ve had three years. Because of his inconsistent work, I still call him green. I feel bad, because when I compare his progress to other ottbs I’ve had, he’s nowhere near the level of training the others have had. He’s not hurting anything, but he’s not progressing. My problem is, I feel bad because he could be SUCH a nice horse. My DH just doesn’t have the time to put into him. I know we need to sell one or two, but DH really likes him. I think we finally agreed to try to sell one( or both) when I figured out how much it costs to keep them, and how many rides they’ve gotten. The cost per ride was several hundred dollars. 
I just truly feel this horse in particular will shine with another owner. Will I feel a little sad that it wasn’t with us? Yes.
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I just wanted to add, I think it’s common in riders of a certain age, to shop for/want the horse that would have suited them 10 - 15 years ago.
In my example above, the horse would have absolutely suited me when I was a full time horsewoman in a busy barn. I would have competed him and had a blast. As a pleasure horse for a working mother in a backyard barn he was a disaster. But even after I had found him a more suitable home, when I looked for horses, I was always drawn to a similar type - a big sport horse, forward and athletic. At that time, what I needed was a broke QH.
The universe sent me the QH eventually. But my eye kept going to the horses that would not have thrived as a working mom’s weekend pleasure horse.
When looking at or evaluating suitability; ask yourself “Is this the horse I need right now, or is this the horse I wanted 5, 10 or 15 years ago?”
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@Cowboy_Girl the OP literally said she wished things could work out and asked for people’s experiences. Not only did I not say “just tough it out!” I said IF you have regular help and IF she’s not dangerous and IF you want to work at it for a long time, go for it. There’s nothing special about being a pro other than having more time in the saddle than your average rider. There’s nothing unkind about what I posted just because I didn’t say “yes get rid of your horse.”
Not everyone wants to spend the time, take the risk, or has the resources to handle a horse like this at home. But, I know some AAs that do, and maybe OP is one of them.
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What about sending her away to school? There are programs at colleges that will take a horse for a semester and assign it to a student in the riding program.
I was just up at Houghton the other month and my friend was assigned a 3yr old to start riding and put in the foundation on this young horse under the supervision of the instructors. I had an opportunity to speak to the owner and its a win-win. Horse gets an education, experience, lots of riders working horse and at the end of the year ( they are doing a full year) they get back a solid citizen for free.
There was a yearling that did one semester and was picked up at the end of the term as well as a 2 yr old that was also in the program.
Student gets experience working with a younger horse, improves their riding, etc.
Would this be an option for you?
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This is so true!!
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My 2 cents (and I don’t own so it’s not worth much lol) but horses are expensive and there’s a lot of good horses out there with a wide variety of tempers personalities etc. There’s no shame in selling the horse- she’s young and athletic enough to end up in a good home. Maybe a trainer would take her and turn her into a solid citizen? If you do not want to sell her, or if you want to try more things before selling her, some possibilites- would getting her into a full time program with a trainer and training rides and you taking lessons on her? Or maybe if she’s competitive in any sport, put her out on a lease? If she’s not working out for you then maybe she’s just not a good fit and maybe both of you would be better off if you sold her? Whatever you decide I hope the best for both of you!
I got my current partial lease because my mare’s owner has several horses so Maresy spends days just sitting around. So me riding Maresy gets the mare out and exercised, I have a horse to ride and it helps owner out with some money/ someone exercising mare who gets cranky and fresh under saddle when not in consistent work. I don’t compete- I just trail ride and sometimes we goof off in the arena.
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When I was struggling with my fourth horse, my regular clinician and I had a talk about the situation at the beginning of a lesson. It actually took up about half the lesson time (worth it).
One of the things he pointed out was that even the top, professional riders don’t get on with every horse. One rider might pass on a horse to another who does much better with that horse than the first rider.
I had a think about everything after that lesson and realized that I had actually resolved many of the issues I’d had with my horse, and that there was really only one major problem left. I was suffering burnout from the seemingly neverending issues (drama queen) train. So I gave us until spring (about six months) to get it together, and if I couldn’t resolve that final issue then I would sell him.
It worked out for us, but could easily have gone the other way. Doing the analysis of our issues, which were resolved, and what was left gave me a specific focus to work on. Setting a specific timeframe for reassessment took the pressure off because I didn’t have to gauge progress until the end of the set time.
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I let my horse go after eight frustrating years of trying to make things work. I worked with a trainer from day one. The horse was the same with the trainer. The most beautiful horse with the most beautiful movement. That horse just did not want to do anything. He was so much work to ride. And he could buck like nobody’s business. I finally gave up. Found him a new home. It was the best decision I ever made. Took me long enough to make that decision but once I made it I never regretted it.
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OP, give yourself a lot of credit as a horsewoman to recognize what’s going on here. I think in a lot of ways, as some have said, it’s not just a bad rider-horse match, but a difficult rider-horse-situation match. When you’re keeping horses at home and doing most of the work yourself, and you’re alone quite a bit, it’s only natural to want a less reactive horse. Someone who is riding in a structured program, with weekly lessons, and knowing there is always someone there if things go south with a reactive horse, is in an entirely different situation. It’s only natural to put safety first when you’re by yourself (heck, even the bravest pro will give a heads-up to their assistant trainer to keep an eye on them if they are getting on “that certain horse”). I think your conflict is that the horse isn’t necessarily rogue, just not a great “at home” horse. But the bright side is that with the right program, she might have a great future. So you are not passing on a “problem” horse to be someone else’s problem.
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So…besides the fact you make her nervous and she feeds it back to you getting you more nervous then you pass that back and forth? She REARS but “not with everyone”? And when you sent her into trainers program in trainers barn, none of those riders had any issues at all?
Be careful assigning human reasoning, emotions and psychology to horses. Black Stallion Syndrome- if I love horse enough, I will prevail because horse loves me and nobody else can understand and love this horse like I can.
As i understand the situation, OP is alone, only has room for one horse and has limited time. Most horses do better with other horses around, this horse has also shown it does better with regular, structured riding. Is this the best way to continue?
If OP wants to keep this as here only horse, that’s fine but base the decision on facts. Not wishful thinking. This horse is not happy…whats best for horse?
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I agree so much with this. Horses are herd animals. A solo horse in a back yard is often a problem horse. I have a mustang gelding that is in a big pasture alone with a geriatric bull and
two elderly cows. His living situation is not ideal, and ever since i had to isolate him from the herd he is pretty darn ‘go-ey’. It takes about 45 minutes to remind him where we are before i will ever get on him. And a lot of the time we make very little progress when i’m aboard. Just by inches we progress. BUT…that’s how we got to here from him being completely feral. It just took a very long time and teensy little steps, starting from ‘first touch’. I just think that time spent building a solid foundation makes for a really good mount. And it takes what it takes. They’re all different…
i’ve given just one example, but most of my mustangs that are getting trained (and not just those who are older and turned out to live out the rest of their lives in relative freedom). Slow and steady. Though, i think they are all emotionally balanced in their environment. (except the solo guy) And that has helped me soooooo much.
And once i get aboard them, we only advance in little tiny steps too. I am old, they are wild. By the time i’m up there we have a contract. They know i will not hurt them and i know they will keep in mind that i am up there and will take care of ‘scary things’. I’m a confident rider and that comes from knowing that i’ve put myself in a situation that is as safe for me and the horse under me as i can make it.
My domestic horses that go to dressage lessons are all able to spin, but rare is it that it happens. And not one of them scares me. It helps to not be afraid of your horse! I have an old Arabian ex-broodmare that once determinedly bucked me off when i was test riding her. I adopted her anyway, and retired her to the pastured herd. She’s docile all the time, but i’ve never even been tempted to get up on her again. Like i said, i’m old and will not ride a horse i consider to be a risk for me.
As far as love. Hmmmm… i love looking at horses and some of mine i feel a strong affinity toward. About four of them…riding them is like being half of a great whole. I want synergy with all my horses, be they lawn ornaments or riding partners. Sort of like…combined we are a whole different sort of ‘thing’. Working partners. It’s how i feel when i work my K9. The whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts…
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I would not go by stories of dangerous situations with horses that are unsuitable and hoping to be lucky not to one of those many hairy situations end up injured, seriously injured or killed that eventually may have turned well.
Accidents can happen anyway, but some combinations of horse/rider are asking for it,
That is not for everyone and it seems why the OP is questioning this.
As an instructor/trainer myself, safety, sensible combinations are imperative.
Life is too short to gamble every time we are with horses if and how bad things may go today.
Similar to abusive human relationships, keep trying under same conditions and hoping next time nothing bad happens is too stressful to be healthy, physically and mentally, for the rider AND horse.
Seems sensible for the OP to get the best possible professional help from a good instructor and realize that help may be advice that the horse is really not suitable.
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When i was younger i was game for any horse. Wasn’t until i hit about 60 that i started getting cautious. I think recklessness just sort of naturally comes-with yut. I wouldn’t disparage a poster on here presenting her experience from her particular point of view at this particular time in her life. If i were to have responded to OP 40 years ago my comment would be very similar to yours Demerara Stables.
edit: heck. I had a horse that was so barn sour and crazed, esp on the way back, that it’d sometimes take me a half hour to go a football field’s length. There was one day that i literally kissed the ground when we got back home and i dismounted. I rode him out of that crazy time, (and it took a full couple of years), and he became my lower half. We were as-one. I loved his hot-spirited beauty.
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Thank you. Yours sounds exactly like my mare but barn sour instead of just spooky. 
It’s certainly not a situation for everyone, but if you can safely handle it (or you’re young enough to not break too badly when you fall), you end up with a pretty fantastic relationship. 
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When anyone on COTH claims to be a “pro”, those of us who have been here for awhile do tend to take that claim with a grain of salt. In the U.S. anyone can declare themselves to be a professional.
In this day and age it is very important that people, when they connect with someone who advertises themselves as a “pro”, make sure that “pro” has the CV to back it up.
Many of us have been a former “barn rat” and/or junior riders of fancy sales horses.
That, and having some experience riding greenies or difficult horses does not a professional make.
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