A Near-Death Experience Caused by My Patriotic Dad....

[Beezer]

Sigh. And people wonder why I think I’m adopted. Yesterday, Merry cons me into riding the 3-year-old Hanoverian Cow-Beast (aka Barbie Cow). Things are going OK … until our father, the WWII and Korean War veteran, decides to conduct a one-man parade down the long driveway past the ring – WITH THE FLAG he and QHSM have been posting at the gate to El Ranchito.

Barbie Cow understandably comes to a full-dead-in-the-water-head-up-and-snorting stop. I’m calmly trying to call to Dad to ask him to please STOP unfurling the flag as he’s walking along. He, of course, has the hearing of a combat vet which means he can’t hear what I’m saying. So QHSM, trying to be helpful, goes running after him, yelling and waving her arms, “STOP! You’re scaring Barbie!!” (Yeah, like that’s gonna help the situation. ) He turns around to see what she’s yelling about, unfurling and waving the flag as he goes … then he turns back to look at Barbie, the flag rippling and snapping overhead.

Merry, of course, has collapsed in a hysterical fit of laughter.

Barbie’s eyes, by this time, need boot pulls to reel them back into her head. She is frozen in place. She cannot move. She would like to move, but alas, she cannot. This is because Dad has now stopped right on the other side of the ring rail from her, the flag waving snappily, to ask me, “What did you say? I couldn’t hear you … your mother was yelling at me.”

Right about then, Barbie became unstuck. I think Merry is still rolling on the ground laughing.

Adopted. I swear I am.

So, let’s all share in hopes of lightening the mood. What have YOUR relatives done to give YOU a near-death experience?

Bulletin Board Goddess

[fleur]

but it is a story about a silly father. When I was younger (read: before I got my license ) and I had to be driven to lessons, my father would sometimes take me and stay to watch. This was at my old barn where instead of a nice heated observation room off of the ring, parents and other spectators just stood in the corners of the ring (lol…) and watched from there. So my dad had this idea that he knew everything about riding, and would consistently repeat whatever my instructor had just said (to anyone, mind you, not just to me). So I’d be trotting around on my pony or whatever, trying to keep my heels down and my eyes up while also attempting to keep pony moving - the girl in front of me would get a comment about rolling her shoulders back, and as I went through the corner I would hear my father hiss, “Emma - get your shoulders back!” It was very embarrassing because I am quite sure he had no idea what he was talking about. So anyway, i was at a schooling show at this same barn one time, and we were trotting around with no stirrups in my equitation class. Luckily I hadn’t seen dad anywhere because undoubtedly he was off chatting with some other barn dads. The judge called for a no-stirrup canter as I was coming into the corner. As I signal pony, I suddenly see Dad running towards the ring in his bright red windbreaker, with his fingers pointed towards the big goofy grin on his face (his signal for “smile!”). Pony sees red windbreaker and jumps a full three feet to the right, then grabs the bit and takes off. Luckily I managed to get pony composed again, but the judge had seen, and I placed 5th Dad meant well; he told me he had seen the trainers hissing at their kids to SMILE!

EMMA

[Beezer]

Or, at least Serenade is MY long-lost (read: long-suffering) sister in strange families!!

You are too, too funny. So is your family. Which makes me think: Are people who are drawn to horses naturally a little, ahem, warped, or do the horses make us that way??

Bulletin Board Goddess

[Serenade]

I just realized something…MY dad was born in LA! He only lived there until he was 2…but still, I knew such an odd man couldn’t be entirely the product of the good old midwest.

Does this make me an honorary member of the California Clique? Promise I’m special enough.

Peace,
Kate

[Serenade]

Well, my dad wasn’t exactly responsible for the near-death experience…but his response to it was, ummm…unorthodox.

My dad finds horses and riding pretty interesting, but due to severe allergies, he doesn’t come around the barn much- usually mom was the one taking me to my lessons during my pre-license days.

On this particular night, however, mom was home dealing with a trombone-induced raccoon emergency (don’t even ask ) so dad took me to the barn. He sat up in the barn’s observation lounge working on his laptop and staying out of the way like a good little non-horsey parent while I tacked up my horse and started warming up.

At this point in time, I’d had 2 years of riding lessons, but only very recently had started with my current trainer. Jumping was still rather foreign to me you could say. So I’m riding this lesson horse, a 20-something arabian, who apparently was smart enough to realize that I wasn’t feeling too sure of myself…he refused. To make matters worse, he refused by dropping his head waaay down…so I slid down his neck, made an ungraceful grab at his ears, and then flipped off.

This would have been humiliating enough in itself…but I was also worried that my dad (who is USUALLY the overly-concerned/paranoid type) would be worried, so with trepidation, I looked up into the lounge, expecting expressions of concern…

My dad upon seeing my extremely ungraceful “dismount” had seized his legal pad and had written on it Olympic ice-skating style scores and was holding them against the window! All of the parents in the lounge were in hysterics…dad told me later that my artistic merit score was pretty good, but I got robbed by the Russian judge.

Peace,
Kate

[This message was edited by Serenade on Oct. 08, 2001 at 08:52 PM.]

[Serenade]

Finally! A kindred spirit who knows what it’s like to live surrounded by chaos and mayhem!

My family is deceptive because they normally manage to appear very normal…only those who know us best know the truth!!

As far as the horse connection- I can see it working either way. On one hand, I’m fairly confident that my dad was insane even before I gave him a horse-connection. On the other hand, he might have been a horseperson himself if it weren’t for his allergies. My mom is insane only in that she seems oblivious to the fact that her husband, 2 (ok, probably I qualify too- so 3) daughters, dog, guinea pig and horse are all a tad loopy. (Although, she was responsible for the Mt.Rushmore fiasco…and I have the picture to prove it!)

So, I guess the horse connection is to remain one of life’s little mysteries…unless someone else can enlighten us?

Peace,
Kate

[Flash44]

2 brothers and a friend were four wheeling on the family farm in the dark with the headlights off. Believe it or not, they hit a tree, knocking all of them out cold (what, no seatbelts?). Brother 1 comes to, calls 911, and then calls wife. He tries to explain to wife what happened, but the fire engines and ambulances are passing by the house with sirens on. Wife (who is mad since they have been gone a long time) yells, “I can’t hear you because of the &%$ sirens!” Brother 1 replies, “They’re coming for us!!!”

Use the Force.

[Beezer]

Serenade!! What a wonderful, wonderful story!! That made my day.

Bulletin Board Goddess

[LaurieB]

Yes, Serendade, you do belong in the Merry/Beezer family. Or maybe in the LaurieB family. (Trust me, if you have your choice, pick them. )

I love the trombone induced racoon emergency.

[suniday]

Beezer, I can sympathize with you and the greenie moments…

My non-horsey hunting hubby was talking to some friends in the driveway a little over a month ago. I am in the ring on my 5 yr old going on 2 mare (she was barely broke and hadn’t been handled much when I got her in Feb. of this year) having a wonderful ride. I am near the previously “evil” ditch line of the ring considering cantering a little bit when BANGBANGBANG erupts (shotgun going off in the air vibrates off the house, metal barn and metal garage toward the Canada Geese flying overhead). Mare is scared poopless goes flying across the ring bucking & snorting, old gelding comes flying into the ring and keeps her going a bit longer than she would have.

When asked about it later he replies “Oh, I didn’t know where you were.” I now only ride the mare on Sundays (no hunting), when he is not at home or trailer elsewhere to ride her.

[Merry]

I must say, I do so enjoy watching my sister get caught in a baby greenie moment.

But rarely does Beezer put me in a bad situation. Did I just admit that??? Our mother, however, is a different story. sighWhere, oh where do I begin?

Sometimes it’s scary, like the time she let down the trailer ramp and undid the butt strap BEFORE I’d untied the two-year-old we were hauling.
Or the time she couldn’t catch one of the elephant-sized warmblood babies, so she went in the corral and wove a lounge line around the uprights of the shelter, trying to make a “rope pen” to contain said beast. It didn’t work, but everyone involved got a lovely set of rope burns.
Oh, and then last week she and I were ripping out some fencing, and she tells me, “Oh, just tie the rope to the trailer hitch on the pickup truck, then tie it to the fence, and hit the gas.” Well, eventually it worked, but the scene resembled something out of The Dukes of Hazard or “Larry and Mo Do Fence Work”.

The fun at El Ranchito never ends.

“Friends don’t let friends eat fish tacos.”

[Winglet]

Apparently not satisfied with merely torturing her younger sisters, Mom inflicted her pony on a young Winglet…

Set the scene: Dusk, horses finishing their evening meal, crickets chirping their damn fool heads off, etc…

Horses finish said meal, and are, per usual, let out of their stalls into the waiting field, assuming they will, as they have done for the past 5 YEARS, go straight out to the waiting hay… go to shut the gate, and count 1…2…3… 3?? wait… we have 4 horses… oh crap… Mom heads into the night searching for evil Taffy pony, whilst Winglet unsuspectingly hies himself into the garden, where the weeds have conveniently grown to taffy height… a cry echoes into the night… “OW!!!” Mom rushes to Winglet’s aid, yelling, “Did you FIND her?” “YESSSSSSSSSS… (mumble mumble curse whine)” so, Winglet leads Taffy into the barnyard light, whereupon Mom notices a somewhat pained expression on Winglet’s face (Or perhaps a happy look on the pony’s face, I’m not quite sure…) and says, “What happened?”
“SHE… BIT me!!!” “Really? No way!” (Note: here, Winglet mistakes incredulity for sympathy) “YES!!!” Wow… she hasn’t bitten anybody in a while!" “But she’s NEVER bitten ME!!!” “Really?! no WAY!!!” (This is while I, certain that i am maimed for life, am still clutching the culprit and holding her at arm’s length) Why did I expect any sympathy from the woman who rides with no helmet, no shoes, no saddle, and occasionally no bridle?! I believe her theory is, until you have hurt yourself more times than me (which is an impossible goal for any sane person to attempt in an entire lifetime) you get no sympathy…

JoHn (WiNgLeT)

“A horse runs with his legs, competes with his heart, and performs with his soul.”
-Tesio
Look at my ultra cool site! www.geocities.com/winglet18

[Beezer]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Merry:

And gee, guess who got to drain and muck out the two flooded pens? Here’s a hint: Her name wasn’t BEEZER!

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Hm. Did someone say something? Someone? Something? Hm. Coulda sworn…

But as usual, Merry forgets to tell about the INNUMERABLE times SHE has flooded pens. Including … oh, how many times is it now?? … that poor Hammie has been turned into the swamp creature. And who has often been the one to find him and bail him out – literally?

The defense rests, your honors.

Bulletin Board Goddess

[Beezer]

Sigh. And people wonder why I think I’m adopted. Yesterday, Merry cons me into riding the 3-year-old Hanoverian Cow-Beast (aka Barbie Cow). Things are going OK … until our father, the WWII and Korean War veteran, decides to conduct a one-man parade down the long driveway past the ring – WITH THE FLAG he and QHSM have been posting at the gate to El Ranchito.

Barbie Cow understandably comes to a full-dead-in-the-water-head-up-and-snorting stop. I’m calmly trying to call to Dad to ask him to please STOP unfurling the flag as he’s walking along. He, of course, has the hearing of a combat vet which means he can’t hear what I’m saying. So QHSM, trying to be helpful, goes running after him, yelling and waving her arms, “STOP! You’re scaring Barbie!!” (Yeah, like that’s gonna help the situation. ) He turns around to see what she’s yelling about, unfurling and waving the flag as he goes … then he turns back to look at Barbie, the flag rippling and snapping overhead.

Merry, of course, has collapsed in a hysterical fit of laughter.

Barbie’s eyes, by this time, need boot pulls to reel them back into her head. She is frozen in place. She cannot move. She would like to move, but alas, she cannot. This is because Dad has now stopped right on the other side of the ring rail from her, the flag waving snappily, to ask me, “What did you say? I couldn’t hear you … your mother was yelling at me.”

Right about then, Barbie became unstuck. I think Merry is still rolling on the ground laughing.

Adopted. I swear I am.

So, let’s all share in hopes of lightening the mood. What have YOUR relatives done to give YOU a near-death experience?

Bulletin Board Goddess

[Serenade]

Beezer-

My dad will be so happy to hear that someone appreciates his warped sense of humor! I appreciate it now, but at 14, I was very easily embarassed. I think it frustrates him that I’m now (for the most part) immune to his embarassment-tactics and just find his antics funny.

Peace,
Kate

[Peggy]

Fortunately, my parental unit has managed to keep flags and horses separate. There have been a few water incidents though.

When I first got my baby green horse, I kept him briefly in my parents’ back yard. This lasted until he and my mother had a few skirmishes, mostly involving blankets and teeth. My dad has a workshop above the barn and little concept of what sort of noises scare horses. So, we dealt with dropped lumber, sawing noises and a lot of swearing over our heads. Not to mention that there was a trap door for sawdust and he didn’t always check to see if there was a horse in the stall before he sent it down (he was very good about the nails, though). In the end, he got used to it. And it stuck. Two weeks ago, someone decided to install electricity in the stalls next to the ring. People on ladders pulling wires through conduits freaked out most of the horses, but not mine.

[LaurieB]

Okay, here’s my “fun with relatives” story. My sister doesn’t like dogs. Start with that as a given. I have five (had six when this occurred.) She called ahead of time to tell me she was coming over to my house which, loosely translated, actually meant “put the #@$%^@ dogs in their crates before I get there.”

Well, the dogs don’t like my sister any better than she likes them. One, Jesse, the oldest, the one with good taste, has a habit of jumping up and biting Sis on the leg. So I did mean to put the dogs away, but my sister is always late and I didn’t want to crate the poor dogs forever…

As a side note, the day before I had fallen down the stairs (in another dog-related incident ) but I got up and walked away and thought I was fine. I had also told my son not to open the door for Sis until the dogs were dealt with. But when Sis showed up early and the dogs all ran, barking, to the front door; I, upstairs at that point, lunged to grab Jesse and instead went flying. My leg simply stopped working. As I fell to the floor Jesse, nimble as always, jumped over me and ran down the stairs where the child–he who doesn’t listen–was in the process of opening the front door.

Jesse promptly ran outside and bit Sis on the leg. Much screaming ensued. Sis couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t at the door to be screamed at in person. Finally I got a word in from upstairs, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

Torn quadracept muscle. And Sis still blames me for that little nip.

[Duffy]

These are HYSTERICAL!!! Thank you so much!!!

Mine are nowhere near as funny or interesting. My brother scalped my other brother once. Supposedly Weasel had gotten in the way while Chris was chopping wood. Yeah right.

Let’s see…My mother broke my nose, all the while insisting to me that “It’s not broken”…I hear her in the kitchen gathering ice, telling my sister, “I’ve broken her NOSE!!!”. My whole family is used to me breaking bones though.

[Merry]

Well, Beezer, I believe I am a direct descendant of CWP. I mean, steam-ironing your bridesmaids on your wedding day?

Oh, here’s another thing our dad has done: Driven us insane by his continual attempt to turn El Ranchito into a rice paddy.

So, Beezer, Mom, and I are flying home from Spruce Meadows. We can’t wait to get home, because we know that something…something…must have gone wrong while we were away from the ranch, even though we paid a couple of reliable horse folks to work. But that still left our dad to feed and water. I believe we had just left Seattle, on our final leg of the journey, when our mother gathers her courage and announces that on her last cell phone conversation with our father, he admitted that he’d been watering the horses the night before, and left the hose running in the back paddock ALL NIGHT! He only discovered the mess when he was taking a shower the next morning and there wasn’t much water pressure! He went out to find 2 of the horses standing tippy toed on little islands in their corrals.

And gee, guess who got to drain and muck out the two flooded pens? Here’s a hint:Her name wasn’t BEEZER!

“Friends don’t let friends eat fish tacos.”

[Everythingbutwings]

Beezer, come and live with me! You will be soooooo thankful for the people who raised you.

“Stand in the door, the sheep won’t run you down”

“Lay down and I will lead the pony over you.”
“Don’t worry, horses can see in the dark” “The horse won’t run you down” “The cow won’t run you down” (I am seeing a repetive problem here)

“I will feed your parakeets while you go on vacation if you feed the horses when I go”

Sounds like Barbie needs to come stay with me for some desensitizing. Wings would want to help work your dad through his difficulty with the evil flag that was scaring him!