Advice for being social at the barn?

[danhelm441]

I would love to make friends at my new barn, but I feel SO inhibited anytime people make friendly overtures. I get very in my head about it and worry about inviting people into my “personal bubble.” It’s hard because once you cross that boundary into friendly territory, you can’t always take it back. Also, I am weirdly protective of my relationship with my horse and I can be hypersensitive to other people’s criticism. It’s like I want help, I want feedback, but I also just want the time and space to figure things out alone. As a result, I feel really awkward talking about my horse. I get self-conscious in those meet-cute barn aisle conversations and don’t know what to say.

I’m an adult, for what it’s worth. Recently married, no kids, recent transplant to the area, not really any local friends. Any advice or pep talks for “breaking in” to a barn socially (but still kind of on the periphery…far enough to stay out of the politics)?

[noscopenohope]

Joining a new barn is always nerve wracking for anyone, so first off know that you aren’t alone🙂. What I would start with is just a simple compliment such as, I like your breeches. Even if you don’t particularly like the breeches, it just shows that you are willing to make a kind compliment to someone. One thing I would focus on is being friendly doesn’t mean you have to be friends. There are plenty of people at my barn that I am friendly with that I wouldn’t consider that I am friends with them, if that makes sense. If you get criticism(which in my experience has only come from my trainer and my friends), simply say, “I’m working on it.” and change the subject to something else. But in my experience, people that I have just met have never given me riding criticism. Hope this helps

[Displaced_Yankee]

People really like to talk about themselves (and their horses!).

You can ask questions such as:
“Your horse has a great mane and tail. What shampoos and conditioners do you use?”
“I have seen that girth online. Do you like it?”
“Do you know of a good sushi place locally? I haven’t found a great spot yet.”

Find creative ways to turn the conversation back to them: “Yes, I love a good sushi roll. What is your favorite?”

At the recommendation of my therapist, I used this when my SO was going through a difficult time but didn’t want to explain a lot to my extended family who he was meeting for the first time. “I’m not working in that job right now. But tell me about your work on police cars. Ms. Yankee says you work for the state?” This really helped my SO steer the conversation and it led to a very natural dialogue.

Good luck!

[OnAMission]

This approach is great for the siutatuion; you’re not talking about yourself, you’re talking about them and yes, people love that. Good way to stay in your personal bubble and establish friendly connections at the same time.

[atr]

First of all, it’s extraordinarily unlikely that anyone you strike up a conversation with is going to criticize you or your horse. They’d probably much rather talk about their horse. You can’t go far wrong with “I do love your horse! what breed is he?” And being new to the area you can always ask advice about where the best place to go is for X,Y or Z. People love being asked for advice, or where they bought some nifty item.

The great thing about your being around your horse and grooming and whatever is you don’t have to make eye contact and you can keep busy doing something, so conversations can peter out naturally and pauses aren’t awkward, because they normally mean you ae doing something that requires physical or mental focus . We have many conversations in our barn when both protagonists are bent double doing something leggy or feety where we lose the plot and end up grunting at each other symapathetically. No-one is offering unsolicited riding advice (well, there’s always that one person, but you just smile and nod and go pick feet.)

[moonlitoaksranch]

I would actually lie low for a bit longer. See if you notice anyone handling their horse similar to how you do things. If you trail ride, look for other trail riders. If you are interested in flat work or jumping, look for who else is doing the same type of riding. You can watch their style and see if you admire how they ride. Are they more advanced than you and in the same discipline? Perhaps that would be a good friend to have. Or, even someone that appears to be struggling in similar ways. When you can relate to someone that way, the compliments and conversations will come naturally.

[endlessclimb]

I’ll be the Debbie downer - if you like your horse but get anxious about social interactions, lay low forever. There are WAY too many chatty Kathy types, who can ruin your barn experience. If the barn is your zen zone, keep them firmly at arms distance and keep them there.

I have, in 25+ years, found 3 people I can talk to and BS with at the barn without it being something I regret after 5 mins. But that’s because they’re like me in that the barn is a horse space, not a social hour. We stay busy, we ride together, we get on each other’s horses occasionally, we video for each other.

[trubandloki]

@danhelm441

I would love to make friends at my new barn, but I feel SO inhibited anytime people make friendly overtures. I get very in my head about it and worry about inviting people into my “personal bubble.” It’s hard because once you cross that boundary into friendly territory, you can’t always take it back. Also, I am weirdly protective of my relationship with my horse and I can be hypersensitive to other people’s criticism. It’s like I want help, I want feedback, but I also just want the time and space to figure things out alone. As a result, I feel really awkward talking about my horse. I get self-conscious in those meet-cute barn aisle conversations and don’t know what to say.

I’m an adult, for what it’s worth. Recently married, no kids, recent transplant to the area, not really any local friends. Any advice or pep talks for “breaking in” to a barn socially (but still kind of on the periphery…far enough to stay out of the politics)?

As you can see, the answer depends on what you want from your barn time.

If you truly want to make no friends and keep everyone at the barn at a distance, take that advice to not engage.

If you want to meet people and have a barn family type thing then there are lots of ways to do that.

Being an introvert, I get wanting alone time at the barn. But then there are so many barn things that are more fun with friends and the best part is knowing that there are others to keep an eye on Dobbin. A friend who you can send a quick text to when you can’t make it to the barn is a good thing.

[MsM]

First I would try to evaluate the barn “society”. Is there lots of talking, giggling while working on horses? Or is there friendly chatter in the tack room and before and after working with horses?

If it is the first, you likely wouldn’t be comfortable joining in and trying to draw different boundaries can be difficult. If there are any nasty comments about someone or another horse, definitely do not engage!

If the atmosphere is more relaxed, you can use the ideas posted here to have casual conversations with folks when you are not actively working with your horse (and they aren’t either!) A few times I have had to discourage someone interfering with my horse time. At first I just didn’t engage beyond “Mmm Uh huh” When it continued, I said “I apologize, when I am with my horse I really cant focus on a conversation. Why don’t we continue this later?”

[widge]

Can you try to take a group lesson with another barn person? That will give you “parallel play” time and something to chat about after.

[blue_heron]

I don’t think you have to become best friends with anybody at the barn, especially if you’re new. But I would advise you to introduce yourself. If someone is on the cross ties or you run into them in the tack room or the parking lot, you can just briefly say, “Hi, I’m ___! Just wanted to introduce myself!” It doesn’t need to be a long conversation or a first date, but exchanging names and your horses’ names is appropriate and polite. It’s never a bad idea to have more people looking our for your horse.

I will say if the people at your barn constantly make you nervous or you feel unwelcome, it’s probably a sign that it’s just not a good fit.

[danhelm441]

@widge

Can you try to take a group lesson with another barn person? That will give you “parallel play” time and something to chat about after.

100% this is what I want! I still have an active group chat with the girls I used to ride with in group lessons at my old barn. It’s so much easier to get to know people that way, little by little, no big effort required as you are just showing up every week for your lesson. We used to go out for a drink after our lesson, and it was always really fun.

When I moved to this barn, I think I imagined getting involved in something like that. But they don’t appear to do many group lessons.
Maybe if I express interest, the barn manager can play match maker and get a group together.

[Texarkana]

Barn culture can make this even harder than it needs to be.

The barn has always been my comfort zone. I was a painfully shy kid, but I grew up in a boarding barn and was always able to talk to anyone of any age about horses.

As an adult boarding, that was still true. So I was gobsmacked the first time I moved to a new barn and everyone was so distant and cold. I remember trying to make polite conversation with the woman whose horse lived across the aisle from mine the first time I met her. She said something like, “I’m here to spend time with my horse, not talk to you.” Ok then. That whole barn was mostly like that.

So anyway, my advice is try not to get so in your head about it. If you want to chit chat, do it! If people aren’t receptive, there’s a good chance it has nothing to do with you. If you feel like the relationships are drifting into uncomfortable territory, you can always remove yourself from the conversation. Try to laugh off any unsolicited criticism; some people just can’t help themselves.

[Rackonteur]

I was raised (and I still do this) to just smile if you meet someone else’s eye. You’re the newcomer, so you could let them be the first to speak if that’s what you’re comfortable with.
Sometimes, if I’m new at a barn and I run into someone grooming or tacking up, and they look at me, and I smile, and they smile back, I do the thing other women do when they meet a stranger with a baby and compliment their horse, and, depending on how they react to that, I might add, “Can I say hello? [to the horse]”
It’s worked for me, as it works with dogs.
But only if the person smiles in response to my smile.

Good luck, however you decide to be!

[candyappy]

Are you boarding a horse there or just taking a weekly lesson?

If you are there daily to ride your horse then eventually you will meet boarders who keep the same type of riding schedule as you. Just smile and say “Hi” to those you see regularly and a conversation will happen in time.

If just there for a lesson it is going to take some action on your part. I know from my boarding days that we had " boarders" and we had " lesson people" and they didn’t seem to mix much.

[sascha]

@endlessclimb

There are WAY too many chatty Kathy types, who can ruin your barn experience. If the barn is your zen zone, keep them firmly at arms distance and keep them there.

Thankful for many roads to Rome aka the sand ring at my barn. I saw someone pull in as I was headed to ride and was able to totally avoid their chattiness by turning left instead of right.

There is nothing wrong with the person, I just didn’t want to get caught up in a conversation that I knew would be lengthy and difficult to extract myself from without seeming rude.

I will seek out one or two other people to ride with and chat with but mostly, I just want to be with my horse and give her my full concentration.

That said, polite conversations and banter could lead to friendships if I felt like it, so OP, be patient and let everyone warm up slowly. It will give you time to assess people worthy of your friendship and those that are not. If you dive in too quickly, you can get sucked into drama without even realizing it. Wait and suss things out.

[anon68314200]

You should consider an online training program. Upload videos of your horse and make friends who are in different countries. Plenty of distance in that case. Lol. Amelia newcomb is starting up a course on the training scale now.

[FjordBCRF]

Im at the barn for my horse first and foremost. I like to give myself some time to observe new barn dynamics before I jump in socially. If I see there are cliques, I make note of that. I try and see who actually knows their stuff when it comes to horse health and care (I care less about people’s riding/training abilities), and then go from there. First barn…it was amazing. I was in the small barn that the snooty people didn’t want to be in and ended up making friends with a husband/wife pair that each had a horse there. Husband is an endurance rider and I learned everything from balancing minerals to our hay, to saddle fit, to trimming hooves from him…plus more. I moved barns but we are all each others emergency dials if needed, and there have been times.

Anyone that tends to give out unsolicited advice before any kind of a relationship is established (to me or others), I tend to stonewall quickly up front. They usually know the least from my experience. My second barn had a couple of these and cliques. It was high drama and I wasn’t there terribly long.

I’ve never been a social butterfly, but I connect with other horse people better than regular people. All my high school friends were girls I rode and showed with…didn’t have close friendship from my school. I’ve made some amazing friends since I’ve been a horse owner again as an adult, and have learned and continue to learn so much from knowledgeable people.

For what it’s worth, at least being on good terms with people you board with can be really helpful if you need extra eyes while you’re out of town, if there is an emergency and for random crap. When we’ve had some really cold nights, there was a small group of us that would rotate going and throwing a couple extra flakes later at night…things like that.

Right now I’ve got an ideal setup. Small private boarding barn with 5 boarders. 3 of them are retired and come during the day, the other is one of my trainers and she rides during the day and travels to other barns for lessons, and the BO has two horses but is also retired so her lessons and haul in are also usually during the day. When I come after work, I generally have the place to myself which I love. I make a point to go around the same time on the weekends too

[atr]

We have a small, happy, social, adult barn where we all support each other and enjoy each other’s company, both in and out of the barn. The owners and trainers and staff all promote that ideal.

We go out of our way to make sure anyone new is welcomed and included.

But its also serious learning environment. We are all there for a purpose. We all spend a lot of time at the barn and traveling to and fro, and put forth a lot of effort, physical, mental and emotional, to take care of our horses and strive to be the best we can be as human beings as well as at our sport. (This is on a varying scale depending on our talents and age!)

Some of you would hate this, I know. But as an older rider who has wondered from time to time whether I should be hanging up my spurs, it has been immensely helpful and inspiring to be surrounded by and supported by my barn family.

[Scribbler]

@danhelm441

I would love to make friends at my new barn, but I feel SO inhibited anytime people make friendly overtures. I get very in my head about it and worry about inviting people into my “personal bubble.” It’s hard because once you cross that boundary into friendly territory, you can’t always take it back. Also, I am weirdly protective of my relationship with my horse and I can be hypersensitive to other people’s criticism. It’s like I want help, I want feedback, but I also just want the time and space to figure things out alone. As a result, I feel really awkward talking about my horse. I get self-conscious in those meet-cute barn aisle conversations and don’t know what to say.

I’m an adult, for what it’s worth. Recently married, no kids, recent transplant to the area, not really any local friends. Any advice or pep talks for “breaking in” to a barn socially (but still kind of on the periphery…far enough to stay out of the politics)?

Do you have the same worries about making friends at work?