Advice on combating isolation

[Moshposh]

Hello fellow riders!
I struggle every year returning home to area1 from wintering in area 3.
I have a lot of friends and a lovely coach in area 3 (plus all the showing and schooling opportunities) that I hate leaving behind when it’s time to come home.
My horses live at my house and I ship out to my trainers for lessons. I literally have about three people that are my friends in the New England eventing community. The majority of the shows I do are in area 2. I don’t know anybody there either. What I would really love would to be a part of a group that travels together and enjoys one another’s company. The camaraderie is something I really miss; It can be pretty lonely.

I have made attempts to put myself out there on Facebook groups with no luck. I consider myself a friendly, outgoing, and supportive friend, so I don’t think it has anything to do with my personality lol. It super disappointing. Does anyone else struggle with this and what do you do?
Also, I’d like to add : what Does one do when your coach can’t make it to your event ? it doesn’t help not knowing anyone to get a sub…

[evtrmom]

Hi! I’m sorry you’re struggling which events in area 2 do you attend? I’m with a barn full of adult ammys and we’re quite fun! If we are showing at the same venue you’re always welcome to join us
I admit that I’m in a resource heavy area of Unionville, PA. But if I can help introduce you to people I’m happy to help.
Eventers are a special bunch.

[Larbear]

What area of New England are you in?

[MorganMaresVT]

I’m not an eventer but very involved at GMHA. If you ever come up this way happy to say hello and get together. Have you considered the adult eventing camp here? I believe we have a waiting list for this year, but it seems like an event people really love so maybe something to consider for next year.

[Janet]

How active is the Area I Adult Rider program?

[beowulf]

Very active!

OP I’m in metrowest MA. I am always down to find a new riding buddy. Feel free to DM me if you’d like. I also do a lot of hunter paces.

When my coach can’t go to my shows, I go it alone. The first few times it was nerve wracking but honestly, at this point in my life it’s become status quo because I do a lot of my competition on a shoe string budget. I’ve asked people if I could walk the XC with them (and also been invited to walk, when people notice I’m alone) — it’s a pretty welcoming area.

[Foxglove]

Although no longer an eventer (haven’t been since 1980s!), lack of show/event friends has happened to me too. Although currently I compete with a lovely young friend who is in the same sport, there have been many years when I faced the horse endeavors solo. My solution was to “buy” friends --sounds lame (maybe pathetic?) but if I wanted to go on an extensive trail ride (Shore-to-Shore, 14 days across MI) I didn’t want to do it alone. I hired a young woman who had a horse, the time, and the skill to drive a trailer and was (for money) willing to put up with me for two weeks. We had a wonderful time and still are in touch, although no longer living in the same area. A few years ago when I showed in Dressage (only one show), I hired a groom for the day --again, a nice person who knew my horse, dressage stuff, and could hold the horse while I went to the bathroom, etc. Another paid friend! Do I do stuff totally alone? Not so much any more --I do ride alone at my farm, but I work weekly with a trainer (paid friend?).

While I am sure many others will disagree --there is an advantage to having a paid friend --our relationship is clear-cut —she does not expect me to hang out with her at venues, or to call her when we are not in show season. Often her advice is more direct and honest than a “real” friend since ego isn’t as involved (mine).

Sometimes paid friends evolve into real friends --until you have peers/pals you can show with, consider hiring a “groom” to attend the show with you --hold the horse, tidy the stall, give you a leg up, etc.

[Lost_Shoe]

I started out my career in the Midwest where I boarded at an active eventing barn and we went to events as a big group. I moved back to Area 1 and am the only eventer at my barn. So I go to events on my own. Here are my thoughts:
• Attend multi-day clinics such as the GMHA adult camp or any other clinic held over multiple days. You will have the opportunity to get to know your group members. For example, after the lesson has concluded, invite your group members to join you on a cool-down walk around the grounds. It will be a great opportunity to ask them about themselves.
• Stable over at events and clinics. You will have the opportunity to strike up conversations with the people stabling next to you.
• If you are shy, a good ice breaker is to ask for help with something (even if you already know the answer or can do it yourself).
• Be on the lookout for opportunities to offer your help to others: offer to hold a horse while someone is tacking up, help someone recall the course or test, help someone who is struggling with their studs, etc.
• I see a lot of dogs and babies at events; asking about them is a good ice breaker.
• People like to talk about themselves and about their horses, so ask people about themselves and their horses.
• Make the effort to learn people’s names; write names down in your phone along with a brief description. When you see them at the next event, say “Hi [name]!” Followed by a cheerful comment and/or question, opening the door for a short chat. Even if they don’t remember who you are, if you have addressed them by name, they will indulge you in a conversation while they wrack their brains trying to remember your name and/or how they know you.

For me, it is worthwhile to go to events solo rather than sitting them out. Although I try to get a family member or friend to come with me, and I provide them with food (and sometimes pay).

In my experience the cross county courses in New England are the best and most fun, making it worth the effort to by myself. In my opinion, having evented throughout the Midwest, southeast, and mid-Atlantic, events such as GMHA, Huntington, Course Brook and others in Area 1 are the best events in the U.S., with unparalleled cross country courses in terms of unique terrain and the feeling that you are actually galloping to get somewhere, not just riding a giant circle around a mostly level field.

[trubandloki]

@Janet

How active is the Area I Adult Rider program?

I agree with this description:

@beowulf

Very active!

[Jealoushe]

I really struggle with this too. I have my horses at home and not in a very horsey area. There are other eventers in my area but they don’t give me the time of the day no matter how much I try and connect with them. I find at events it a different story, although I’m 3+ hrs away I’ve made friends with a lot of people in those areas and at the events and get my friendship and comrade feelings there.

I also find social media can be good for this, making friends with those out of my area and can connect through following along with their riding journeys online.

While it’s not the same as having barn friends you can ride with it’s better than nothing.

[FromTheGalaxy]

I’m in the Midwest and keep my horses at home. There is a small eventing community near me, but my trainer and most of her other clients are over 3 hours away. I tend to hang out more with other types of equestrians. I travel to lessons with strictly dressage folks, will go to schooling shows with H/J people, trail ride with western people, or will trailer over for schooling sessions at friend’s barns. While these people don’t often go to shows with me, it still gives me the feeling that I have a large community and support. I’ve gotten pretty comfortable going to shows by myself, but sometimes I can convince a friend to come help for a day. Paying someone to groom for you is an excellent idea!

[TooManyTBs]

I’m in Southeast MA and have zero eventer friends - I board at a tiny barn and lesson at a hunter jumper barn, which is my background. Feel free to DM me if you ever want a buddy in MA! I’m only doing unrecognized at this time, but I do a lot of hunter paces and will drag my horse anywhere to trail ride. I’m also open to clinics/camps. Maybe it’s different because I’ve only done schooling events, but everyone has been very welcoming. I’ve been invited to join a few course walks and people have also helped me with my random “I’m really a hunter rider” questions. I also do schooling dressage shows and have made a few friends at those. There seem to be a lot of solo riders at them and have met people parked next to me and at the ingate.

[Moshposh]

that’s kind of how I’m feeling at this point.
I do make an effort but I feel a lot of people are in their own worlds…which is understandable but unfortunate for me.
I’ll have to keep trolling social media to find people

[Moshposh]

Hey!
Thanks for the recommendations!
So a couple points I’ll touch on…

I have no problem making friends. I consider myself quite good at that!

Regarding clinics in area 1- I just don’t do them. There’s rarely a clinician that I feel would work for me and I’d rather put that $ towards lessons

I don’t stable in area 1 because I don’t have to drive terribly far. Obviously I do in area 2.

Although I love area 1 events, I feel for my upper level horse there is nothing here for her besides millbrook. I support our events whenever I can with my younger horses.

I wish there was some sort of “network” or dating app lol to find travel buddies. I’m totally down with befriending area 2 people but how cool would it be to have a New England group to travel with, ride share, help each other out etc etc. But finding these people are hard because like I said I’m alone out here, and nobody responds to my ISOs.

I may just have to deal at this point

[Moshposh]

A paid friend is an excellent idea! I may be too poor for that however…especially hiring a groom to travel with me for multiple days .

[Moshposh]

I’m near stoneleigh burnham

[Moshposh]

I do a lot of events with no coach but I’d like to stop doing that at intermediate/FEI events for safety purposes . it’d be cool if UL coaches could make themselves accessible for people like me. Unless that’s already a thing?
There’s a huge push for safety and coaching with the ECP , but……

[Mounted]

Buck Davidson, Boyd Martin, and Tammie Smith all have upcoming clinics in Area 1, just saying.

Meeting up with a trainer at a one day competition can be logistically complicated and it can be hard for them to warm up even their regular students given the very busy schedules, but most I see around here are happy to have someone join a group for a course walk. That makes it easier to get to know their other students, too. Perhaps your coach in Area 3 can put you in touch with someone competing/coaching in Area 2 for course walks?

Another thought is to choose Area 2 events where even the (semi) locals tend to stable, like VAHT. It’s easier to get to know people hanging around the barn with them all weekend then when everyone is working out of their trailer on a tight schedule.

[Foxglove]

@Moshposh —perhaps trade off? I’ll groom for you this weekend; you groom for me next weekend? My current travelling friend and I have a symbiotic relationship of sorts; at 30, the last thing she needs/wants is a 70+ year old “friend.” I feel the same way --her life is vastly different from mine --but we both want to compete so, she drives the (big) rig, I pay for gas. She hangs out with the other exhibitors, I watch her baby in the (oh, so very nice) horse trailer’s LQ and enjoy the A/C and her little one --fun to play with the toys and eat snacks while momma socializes with the other young people. She watches kiddo while I care for our horses and compete myself, I watch kiddo when it’s her turn to compete. Because I truly enjoy the competition (not so much the socializing with people young enough to be my grandkids), this works for us. Without me, she’d have no one to watch her baby; without her, I’d have no one to provide me with a top-of-the-line place to “camp” --and do all the driving. Works for us.

[Moshposh]

Yeah I agree it’s probably unrealistic and not practical