Thank you guys for the clarification!
Neither, but it does seem like youâre making a bigger deal out of this than is really necessary. So far youâve said yes to everything sheâs asked and havenât told her there are any issues. She probably assumes you donât mind since it sounds like youâve been pretty generous offering things up in the past. From what youâve described a lot of the things that youâre frustrated with now were your ideas - letting her ride a show horse for free to bring it back in work, cutting a discount on the sale for a good home, offering free training advice, etc. If sheâs taking care of your stuff and is otherwise respectful and pleasant to be around Iâd start by assuming good intentions and try to gently reset the boundaries to where you want them, understanding a lot of the boundary creep was yours in the first place. Start with a friendly conversation and ask her if she can buy some of her own gear so you can have full use of yours back. If she pushes back or gets upset then youâll have your answer.
As for the brand sponsorship⊠I can see why youâd be annoyed but I donât think itâs realistic to expect a barn friend/client to turn down an offer of free stuff out of loyalty to you. If itâs important to you to have everyone in your barn repping your company you could always offer some type of sponsorship yourself and see what she says.
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I have unfortunately tried to gently ask her to find her own tack, as the saddle sheâs using is one of my personal show saddles. And I need it for my own mare once shows start.
She always assures me that sheâs definitely going to get her own, and then nothing seems to happen. I understand saddles are expensive , especially nicer quality ones, and getting fit right can be hard, but Iâm finding it hard to believe she hasnât found even a bridle that would work. Iâve done my best to find ones that would work and send them her way(ads, reputable stores etc)
I fully accept offering my mare up for lease/shows was on me, and Iâm absolutely okay with that. But when she bought this young one she was the one that negotiated, and made it quite clear what her budget was. Training advice was also always after she asked for help, I try not to push my help if itâs not asked.
I think Iâm making a bigger deal of the sponsorship than it is, it might just be the straw that broke the camels back?
Although I did offer a small sponsorship to all of the girls this year, her includedđ
Youâve got to give her a date where you absolutely need your stuff back. Youâve been very kind, but have said yes at every ask. She may very seriously just not know sheâs stepping all over your kindness, because youâve never drawn a boundary thatâs firm in any way.
I totally understand why you feel taken so advantage of, especially with the sponsorship deal, but this is something youâve allowed (which I know you know!)
You know how you open a gate into a field of horses, rather than out, so you donât give them an opening to make an exit? Start opening the gate in your relationship with her inward, too.
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âHey Susie, I need you to get your own saddle and gear by XX so I can have full use of mine for show season. Thanks!â
If she doesnât have a saddle by the date you set then just repeat âsorry but I need to use my stuffâ until she gets it. I might take the tack home âfor cleaningâ on the date you set just to make the point.
Iâd let the rest of it go. Being direct about her budget and asking a friend/mentor for advice arenât out of bounds, and you didnât have to agree. If she asks for more advice you donât want to give just say you donât have time in the moment but could schedule a lesson if she wants to work through the issue then. She may be hurt that youâre switching things up after giving so freely in the past, thatâs not necessarily an unfair reaction from her but just be prepared for your relationship to change.
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Firstly, no way do I think youâre the a-hole, or a pushover.
Re: her adopting your saddle.
Why can you not just explain - as you said above - youâll need that saddle once shows start?
Do you have another saddle you wonât need that will fit her mare?
If so, just explain youâll need your saddle back & this is the alternative until she buys her own.
Full Stop.
I think you were very kind to discount the horse & help with training gratis.
But as a friend, neither unknown or unusual.
Going forward you might set a boundary & say further training will be billable.
Not from spite, but because you need to concentrate on your own lesson program & your show horses.
If sheâs aware of the show shirts you provide to your team, I find it rather tone deaf of her to go with another brand.
Is there a difference from yours in the other?
More bling?
Less?
Colors?
Of course, the above issues could affect your friendship.
Life is like that.
But no way AYTA.
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Offer to go with her, and set up a time for the two of you to go tack shopping together, assuming you have a couple of these dinosaur stores nearby. She may just need some advice and positive reinforcement on purchases. Going tack shopping alone can be a really stressful thing for a novice.
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With this plan, I foresee the person will just adopt the alternative saddle and keep it forever. If itâs worked so far for her to get a free saddle to use indefinitely, why would she change her approach now?
I agree with the idea of saying something like, âI will need all my tack back for my own use by X date so I can get it cleaned/repaired/whatever as we get close to show season.â
I can see how the shirt thing would be annoying under the circumstances, especially when the OP has already given this person so many breaks. But that does sound like relatively small potatoes compared to the other things.
Sorry that this person has taken advantage of the situation a bit.
And welcome to the BB! 
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I have actually mentioned this a couple times now unfortunately. Ironically she wants to show with me and she knows I use this saddle still so I figured it would be common sense, but I did actually bring it up in case she hadnât realized it for some reason. I might try again now that weâre closer to the first show date and see if it clicks
And I do have other saddles that would likely work, one for sure. But when I offered for her to try one she didnât want to use it âin case it set her training back if it didnât fitâ. Which again I get, but I feel like most horse owners understand thatâs just part of the process? And even if she did use it instead I slightly fear it would just be used forever
Youâre probably right about the saddle.
But OP gets back the saddle she needs.
Where it goes from there đ€·
ETA:
We posted at the sane time.
Bottom Line:
Itâs YOUR saddle.
Take it back.
Is there a reason you cannot physically just do this?
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I think it would be rather hard to do without understanding on her part. Itâs my barn, so all of my tack including the stuff sheâs using, is kept in the tack room. Considering she boards here and comes at her own leisure I can imagine enforcing that? Unless I was to keep it in the house I suppose, but that seems really drastic for something that really should just be a conversation
I guess thatâs an option though
And no, no real difference in shirts for what itâs worth, similar colours and quality, mine have less obvious branding. It was probably just a personal preference thing, but it grated a little after everything else
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IIWM, Iâd tell her Iâm taking the saddle back & why. Thereâs the conversation.
Then do take it to your house where it wonât be available to her. You can get it ready for show season there.
Would that inconvenience you?
The shirt problem is just ignorance on her part.
Again, IIWM, Iâd ask her why she chose one free shirt over another.
Maybe the other stroked her ego by suggesting she was suitable to rep the brand.
Good Luck negotiating these muddy waters 
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I donât recall the exact details off the top of my head, but there was another thread on here not too long ago about a client who was doing something or other that was unacceptable to the barn owner/trainer.
And Iâll say the same thing now that I said on that thread.
After many, many, many years around horses, I donât remember a single time when a barn owner/trainer looked back on a situation in hindsight and said, âGee, I wish I had put up with that bad behavior longer than I did.â
Quite the opposite.
Good luck!
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Having your OWN tack room as the owner of the property makes keeping boardersâANY boardersâout of your shit a whole lot easier.
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Iâd lock up my stuff and give her notice to get her own things, you are getting everything ready for show season.
Be firm and hold your ground.
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Send her a link to the saddle for sale if you see one. And say straight up, âhey my stuff is really not communal, you need to buy your own.â Many English barns charge a supplies fee and everything is communal, so she might be used to that model. You can be straight that isnât how your barn works.
I would tell her youâre looking forward to getting all of your gear back back April 1st. That she hasnât bought her TACK FOR HER HORSE is 100% not your problem. Just tell her thatâs when you expect her to stop using it. Itâs OK if that wrinkles her socks. She can get some nice new or used socks and then all will be calm again.
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Yes, she is going to make it horrible for you when you re-establish your limits. When you try to put her on her own feet. Your sense of that coming awfulness is why you are hesitating.
Sheâs a grifter blowing past your boundaries because you are letting her.
Grifters are often charming, fun-to-be-with people. Thatâs how they make it work. They count on people hesitating to set limits, due having sensed that the grifter will act out and alienate them as punishment.
I once was given some very serious dating advice. I think it applies to this situation.
- If you think that drawing boundaries will cause an outburst, that resetting limits will result in the other party reducing or dumping the relationship â do it. And see what happens.
This friendship is not worth having if it is based on you underwriting most of what this gal is doing on a horse. If sheâs going to have a tantrum, and/or dumps you the minute you even lessen your support â if you are even worried that this might happen â you are being played, mightily.
You are managing this relationship as if she were your own child. Why are you doing this? Is it worth it to you to provide all of this to her so that she can be your horse and showing companion?
Give this some thought. And consider if you prefer an adult friendship, in which both adults have their own healthy boundaries, and you both respect that.
Yes there is an a$$O in this friendship, and it isnât you. You sound like a kind person who is a great friend to those who are truly, respectfully, closest to you. This lady is not respectful of you.
âtryâ ??? âmightâ ??? âsee if it clicksâ ???
If she allows you to have your saddle back, you mean? Since she never got her own.
Yoda said it best: âDo not try. Do.â (Star Wars movie #2)
If you want to underwrite her horse adventure, if you are fine with allowing her to be your grown child ⊠just buy yourself your own new saddle so that you will have something to show in. 
You can move on from this, you can live without her, when it comes to that. Sooner or later she will dump you for some illogical reason. Rather, she will better-deal you with a new more generous friend. Your former horse that she now owns is likely to be fine. People like your former horseâs current owner have a way of landing on their feet in another good spot. Having found another generous person to provide all the things.
You seem like a warm, kind and open-hearted person. I hope this turns out for the best for you. Good luck! 
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This. Better yet, take your tack back right now, lock it up.
If she wants to ride sheâll have to get her own. Sheâs got plenty of time before showing season.
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Out of curiosity how old (ish) are you and said boarder?
The shirt thing is a little silly to be upset over IMO. Removing the other complaints from consideration, Iâd attribute no ill will to her wanting to be sponsored by someone. Anyone. A lot of (younger, typically) riders think theyâve hit the Big Time if theyâve landed a sponsorship (no matter how small or similar to other offerings it may be). She may not have realized you would be willing to offer her the same deal (are you?).
As to cutting her a deal on the sale of the horse - that is not something you can hold against her. She made an offer, you accepted. It leaves a bad taste to be upset with the buying party when you agreed to their offer. No one forced you to accept that offer. Did you do it because of the existing relationship? Sure! But that doesnât mean sheâs exploiting you in the sales deal.
For the training rides, again I donât think you can hold it against her if you set the precedent of doing them for free. You can (and should!) establish the boundary there that training rides or lessons will be billed moving forward but to hold that against a client when it appears to be your choice (vs her asking for a deal) is not right.
The saddle thing. Yeah thatâs a real PITA. I second the having a separate tack room thing. And the giving a set deadline thing. Do you have any spare pieces (bridles pads whatever) that you could sell to her? Not really the ideal situation but may work as an immediate âuse this not thatâ.
I think it could do you and boarder some good to set a time to sit down and chat. Maybe make a plan for her and mares goals for the year which involves X lessons per week/ month, Y training rides to keep her tuned up, and Z tack to be in compliance with the governing org/ have everything she needs to travel to shows.
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