Am I too sensitive? Coping tips

[lenapesadie]

I personally would be rather flustered and perhaps unintentionally brisk, if a person I did not know started lunging a horse I did not know in the arena while I rode. My horse is greenish and very sensitive. Lots of clucking and line flipping paired with a horse that doesn’t lunge well could result in me wrecking out. Therefore I might behave in a manner more oriented towards me staying alive and less oriented to your feelings.

My last boarding barn had a no lunging in the arena if people were riding. The barn before did not. And they should have.

Have you clarified the rules regarding lunging in the arena? Particularly if others are riding?

When I was first backing my horse, I did a fair amount of scheduling to get in the arena with as few folks as possible. You might consider similar if you are trying to teach your horse to lunge. Sounds like your horse may have a more “western” concept of lunging with the turning in to face you.

I encourage you to try and project more positivity. Catch more flies with honey than vinegar and all that.

[lenapesadie]

@Fat_Dinah

You are just the judgemental, condescending sort that makes boarding miserable.

Whoa. That’s harsh

[FatDinah]

So is telling me I should leave the boarding barn to go home, which doesn’t exist, because I am not someone she would want at her barn

[lenapesadie]

Well you did say you would rather avoid everyone as opposed to having an adult conversation about the arena protocol.

So the suggestion that maybe horse keeping at home might be more comfortable for you and that your above stated intentions might not foster a good impression with your new barn mates seems reasonable.

No need to call names.

And it still could be that lunging while folks are riding is not the done thing at this place.

[FatDinah]

I live in a trailer park. Not conducive to horses.

I don’t plan to lunge anywhere. I said I would ride only when no one else was around. I don’t need to talk to anyone.

And this makes me “not our sort of people” and a “drama boarder.”

[FitzE]

[quote=“Fat_Dinah, post:17, topic:759539, full:true”]
At the other barn, when people said anything to me, I didn’t respond, just did my horse. I’ll just do the same here.
[/quote] (bolding mine)

I believe OverandOnward was responding to the part I bolded above. When you share space with other people, it is not okay to not respond when someone speaks to you. That would also make me super uncomfortable in a shared space, be it an office, living space, or barn. Ignoring people in your barn community is not holding up your end of the obligations involved in sharing space.

If you plan to repeat that non-normative behaviour at the new barn, I’m afraid you will be just as unhappy there as you were at the last place. Your response to OverandOnward was quite harsh. If this is your second (or more) uncomfortable boarding situation, you have to at least entertain that a portion of the issue is with your own behaviour as you are the common denominator in both cases.

People have given you lots of good suggestions here, including confirming with the BM what the rules are and having a chat with the other boarder, but you don’t seem open to any of those suggestions. I hope you find something you are open to in order to try to solve the issue and feel happy at the new barn, not just repeating the strategy to ignore people who speak to you. If for no other reason, don’t you want camaraderie and community in your new barn?

[lenapesadie]

Um. Starting a thread titled am I too sensitive and then flipping out when folks comment suggests you are indeed too sensitive.

Ignoring people that speak to you is beyond childish and yes that certainly describes less than ideal behavior from a boarder.

[FatDinah]

So now I am “beyond childish” and “less than ideal.”
And you wonder why I prefer to avoid interacting with people.

[lenapesadie]

Yes, ignoring people that speak to you is beyond childish. And less than ideal.

A boarding barn is a community space. Good manners help.

Did you ever clarify if lunging in the arena is or isn’t against the rules?

[FatDinah]

I read the rules again. It says no turnout in the arenas. It said not to ride in the other arena, not the one I was in, if there was a jumping lesson. It said nothing about lunging.
But I am sure you all still think I was in the wrong and don’t deserve to be there, even though I pay as much as anyone.
The barn owner/manager has been away since I arrived.

[lenapesadie]

Well super! Now you know that you have every right to lunge in the arena.

So if someone says something to you about it you can either a. Ignore them or b. Talk to them about sharing the arena

I think you might be a bit sensitive though.

[atlatl]

I’ve boarded horses for well over 30 years at both private and public facilities. In my experience, most issues as that discussed in this thread are the result of lack of clear understanding on the part of boarders on some basic “pony club” types of rules and frankly common courtesy.

For example, I’ve had it drilled into me that the following priority holds for arenas; riders, lungers, hand walkers. Within the rider group, those “working” have priority over people strolling around. Woe unto the teenage girls that walk 3 abreast when I’m in the arena! It is always courteous to ask before lunging if someone is already riding and I’ve rarely been at a barn that allows lunging in the main arena mainly to preserve the footing as well as for safety reasons.

Life is further complicated by the type of riding someone does. Western riders, the majority at my new barn, tend to stay on the rail so they may think that they are “ out of the way” if they congregate and hang out in the middle of the arena. Makes it hard for me in my dressage saddle do lateral work or circle if I want to improve engagement.

One beginner lady expressed concern that I rode too close to her, so I asked her how far away she wanted me to be. She hadn’t thought about that. Since she is a very newbie, and I understand that horse sport needs as many people as possible to keep boarding barns open, I assured her that I hadn’t run over anyone yet and had good steering. Unfortunately she interpreted that as she didn’t have to watch out and I would always work around her. Well that didn’t go too well when I was cantering on a circle and she led her horse right in my path. We’ve had a couple more conversations to figure out how to share what is really a big arena, but that was possible because we’re two mature adults and willing to talk and compromise.

Coping tips: be polite, considerate of others and communicate in a civil fashion. Kind of like life in general.

[FatDinah]

I gave her half a large arena, then I moved so she could have her choice of halves. I went and got the lead rope. I explained he didnt seem to understand lunging, which is when she said she felt unsafe. I left after less than 10 minutes because I felt so uncomfortable. She followed me out and then rode in another arena.
So I am supposed to talk to her , about what?
The better option is just ignore her and others, stay out of their way and just be with the horse.

[trubandloki]

You asked if you are too sensitive and for coping tips. Please stop getting mad at people who are giving you the answer to the question you asked.

Yes, you are being too sensitive.

Like has been said over and over and over again in this thread - rule or not lunging while someone is riding is just one of those things you do not do without first doing the polite thing of asking them if it is OK. A simple “Do you mind if I lunge Dobbin while you ride?” would have avoided all that rider’s discomfort and your feeling like you do not belong.

Now that is over. It happened. You are feeling defensive and that rider is probably not sure how to feel. I suppose the option of never going to the barn when anyone else is there will solve your problem, but I would assume that is not always an option. So why not plan ahead for that time that you are there and there are people. You say you simply ignore people who talk to you. (That is what you posted here in this thread.) I get not wanting to make friends. I get social anxiety (not saying you have it, just using it as an example I know very well). None of that makes it OK to be plain out rude. No one is saying that you have to have a full out conversation with anyone. But ignoring someone who talks to you is not a good coping tip. Smile and nod. Say good morning. Anything but ignoring.

Getting to know these people (the other boarders) will help you in the long run. If you know that Jane is a very nervous rider then you will know that if you happen to be riding at the same time as Jane it is probably best to ask before you start your work above a walk (just so Jane is prepared). If you know that Dobbin just got off four months of stall rest and is just walking under tack at this point you know that lunging while Susie is riding Dobbin will cause issues. All those things one does to be part of a community.

I am sorry that your new boarding barn started with you being uncomfortable!

@FatDinah

So I am supposed to talk to her , about what?

To apologize for making her feel uncomfortable.

[endlessclimb]

Yes, I would have been ticked if I had plans to do XYZ while riding and here you come strolling in taking HALF of the ENTIRE ARENA because you want to lunge Dobbin.

There are things you can’t do when you’ve only got half of the arena.

Ask next time, and perhaps consider that your horse is green and there should be ZERO people in the arena if you’re going to have to train on a specific issue that’s going to involve you CLAIMING (not sharing) half of the entire arena.

[Gardenhorse]

While I agree that you should always ask before lunging in an arena someone is already riding in, I can also understand your frustration with this other woman. If she was really uncomfortable with you longing while she was riding, she should have just clearly stated that at the beginning rather than asking you to change things up multiple times.

I’m an introvert and hate having conversations with people I don’t know, but I still agree with others that it’s probably best to try to chat with this woman and clear the air rather than just avoid/ignore her forever.

[B-burg_Dressage]

Gonna respond as the owner of a very sensitive horse.

I probably would have been OK with you lunging to begin with, annoyed and disappointed that I only got half of the arena, but fine with it knowing that I have to share the facility.

A new halter and lead rope hanging on the gate where there is normally nothing? Yep, my horse would look at it, spook at it, be generally nervous about it. This would have amped up my already slightly annoyed state.

So maybe I ask if we can switch sides of the arena to see if that will help.

It doesn’t, so I ask you to move the halter and lead.

You then tell me that your horse doesn’t understand lunging. I don’t know the extent of this comment and my concern amps up even more for my already nervous horse. My horse is already nervous and I know he won’t handle anything going “wrong” with you lunging. I ask you to stop and feel awkward about it. I thank you profusely for putting up with me. But at this point, my horse and I are frazzled so I am going to try to start fresh in another arena and tackle this issue another day.

I may feel awkward now, because I think I annoyed you. I may also be annoyed at you for lunging an untrained horse while I was riding. I may not give two flips because horses are horses and I have moved on already. You’ll never know if you don’t have that conversation.

[Djones]

Yes. You’re too sensitive.

Yes, you’re reading too much into this.

No, it’s not mature of you to freeze people out who speak to you.

Yes you should want to cultivate respectful relationships in the barn because you want people to give you a shout if Dobbin looks gassy or the like.

From here, none of us know what actually happened. We have your POV only, wherein you are entirely innocent and SHE is the villain. I’m too old and too seasoned to fall for that line.

Use your words and TALK to her. You say you don’t want to be ostracized…so act like that’s true.

[BrendaJane]

quite confusing.

I get the safety aspect. I have been around inconsidereate people who were quite unsafe to be around in the arena.
I have been the dufus doing stupid things as well.

What to talk with her about?
Her horse.
Oh, nice horse, what is his breeding/training, temper…
do you compete, etc…
then you talk about your horse, breeding, temper, etc. that you came to the facility to work on your horse, etc.
Ask her questions, about training, longeing…

By then you should get a feeling for her, whether or not she was just a scaredy cat or a diva.

[TheDBYC]

@Willesdon

you had a mare that was bolshy, pu

What does bolshy mean when applied to horse behavior? I see it a lot on UK-based forums, but it isn’t a word we use much in American English.