Just for the sake of the record, @lenapesadie described your behaviour, not you. Perhaps if you parse the two it’ll feel less like a character assassination. We contain multitudes 
I’d like to think of myself as a good boarder, but I’ve certainly done boneheaded things in the past, and having them pointed out to me is how I’ve continued to improve as a ‘good’ boarder. Just a thought.
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… have you considered not everything is about you? Like maybe she had a bad day, maybe she was stressing about something and didn’t come across the best.
However judging by your responses here, I’m wondering if you get this reaction from people because of how you react and come across. You seem hostile, almost.
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Bolshy = really poor attitude, deliberately unhelpful, combative
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OP upon first read of your post I wanted to give you a hug and tell you to figure out whether you overstepped the rules or perhaps had broken a barn rule. I did not like the description of her passively aggressively saying thank you. Then this thread took a wee bit of a turn. I agree it’s best to use your words. Talk to the BM… talk to the other boarder. That’s the only way to gauge whether it’s a misunderstanding or that the lady might just be difficult. I understand feeling defensive. Take a deep breath. The barn will be so much more enjoyable if you know the boundaries and can coexist with the other boarders beyond giving them the cold shoulder. Good luck.
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Oh. So basically, if my ex were a horse?
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Ha! Or my first mother in law!!
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seems he was a horse’s arse
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This incident and these comments have really left me sad. I couldn’t sleep.
I can’t face going back, realizing people there will likely think what you all do, that I am not someone they would want there. No one interacts with me at the trailer park either.
I had my other horse for 29 y ears, he was my best friend. I missed him and thought I could start over. But after these two barns being around other people now feels like a minefield. You are right, I must be too sensitive to deal with social interaction. Or even internet interaction.
Solitary activities, like hiking and cycling, would be better.
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Just remember that we are all social brings. Meeting new people can be stressful but with horses there is always a common interest, something to start a conversation about. Everyone has horse stories to exchange. Everyone has shared the ups and downs. It is really important to our mental, emotional and physical well-being that we have social interactions. Put on your brave face, give it another go at the Barn. One horrid person doesn’t mean that everyone is.
A story. Many years ago I knew a wonderful if formidable woman who, in the course of her life, broke through so many glass ceilings, was a pioneer for women in so many areas, that she even has a College in Cambridge University named after her. Yet once one got to know her, it became apparent that she was really a very shy and humble person. She had not found it easy to be a formidable pioneer. She once told me that her father, an Admiral in the Royal Navy, gave her a way to deal with talking to strangers. At a formal meal set aside three pieces of a vegetable on the plate. Each piece is a conversation topic, pre-planned, prepared and so something to talk about with confidence. Use one topic in a conversation then eat the corresponding piece of vegetable. She said she never needed to get to the second piece - especially if she ever explained the technique to her neighbours as it proved to be a wonderful icebreaker. Adapt the technique to e.g. 3 pieces of candy in your pocket… Use as needed.
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I’m sorry you feel that way. Without hopefully coming across as an armchair psychologist, maybe these are things that you could gain some benefit from speaking with a therapist about. You don’t have to be diagnosed with any mental illness to benefit from having a real-life person to talk to about some of the internal struggles it seems like you’re having. Therapists are often far more equipped than random internet folks at helping provide you with tools to help you make progress towards the goals you have - whether those goals are making some new friends, performing better in social situations, or delving back into the world of horseback riding.
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I love this - such a good, manageable way to ease some social anxiety.
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Great advice.
So in these comments I am reading a fair bit of depression and social isolation. I did go back and search your past topics because I vaguely remembered your name, and you’ve had a lot of big changes and sad things in the past decade.
I have had periods in my life where I’ve moved around a lot, lived in places where I didn’t speak the language, traveled alone a lot. You can get isolated, you can get too fixated on your own feelings.
But when you settle somewhere, in a new community, things go so much better if you put a smile on your face and use your words. Take other people’s situation into account. That doesn’t mean bending over backwards to be a people pleasing doormat, or getting all in knots about what other people think of you.
It does require realizing that in a boarding barn, everyone is there with the same broad set of aims and challenges: to spend time with horses that can be fun, but also dangerous. And everyone is sharing the same resources which are by definition scarce.
You need to give everyone the same consideration you want for yourself.
Different boarding barns have different rules and for sure rules you wouldnt have at home or at a small backyard place. Those rules are there to help manage the scarce or crowded resources. Some may seem odd at first (passing left to left, no walking on the rail, no jumping outside of lessons, no longeing in the indoor, shouting door on entry, helmets always, etc) and some may be deal breakers for any given horse owner who won’t stay at that particular barn because whatever. But the big point is that if everyone follows them, then everyone knows what to expect.
As far as barn relationships I treat them like job relationships: friendly greetings, clear cheerful problem solving, generous apology when I’ve done something bone headed, and recognizing that everyone is there to do a job (even if it’s just a hobby job). Also that riding is inherently dangerous and I don’t always know the risk level of other horse/rider combos. So I am very conscious that I don’t increase anyone else’s risk level.
One thing that occurred to me about the scenario here. Rider left to go to another (empty?) arena. If there were multiple arenas, OP, why werent you longeing in an empty one?
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If you go to the barn feeling defensive and assuming no one wants to interact with you, people are going to pick up on that negative vibe. One iffy interaction with another boarder doesn’t mean you’re not going to get along with anyone there so no need to catastrophize.
I think consideration goes a long way when you’re at a boarding barn - as long as you’re considerate and polite, I believe you’ll fit in just fine. As you go along you’ll realize there are some things you are entitled to do but they are really irritating to other riders who showed up to the barn with an agenda for the day. At my last barn there was someone who would show up and lunge in front of the poles I set up, and another person who would halt her horse EVERY FOUR STRIDES. I didn’t like those people (or I should say, I didn’t like seeing them at the barn). If you haven’t boarded before, or not for a while, you might not realize the way you school your horse is driving other people bonkers.
At the end of the day, I share the same passion for riding with all the other boarders, so there’s no reason we can’t all get along and the same is true for you.
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It takes way, way, more than one odd interaction to make people think any of these things. We all understand that people have bad days. People here are genuinely trying to help you think about ways to navigate this new boarding situation and make friends or at least pleasant acquaintances with your fellow boarders so you can work together to share space and resources.
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“I am not someone they would want there.”
That’s catastrophic thinking.
In general in social life, people don’t make these conclusions based on anything inherent to you. They make them based on your behavior. And your behavior is entirely within your control.
If you behave in a pleasant and friendly way, people will be happy to see you. If you are shut down and snarly, people will not be happy to see you.
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OP, The thing is, the other woman may be feeling exactly like you are about the interaction. She might be home worrying if SHE was too sensitive re: her reactions about the halter etc. She really might be a nice person who had a bad day/moment. If you can, just go to the barn and enjoy your horse. If you see her, reach out and say hello. That’s all, just smile and say hello and let whatever happens happen. If she’s not friendly, let it go and move her out of your mind, you tried to make peace and the rest is on her. If she is friendly, well that’s good! A “howdy” can go far. I get that it’s hard, I’m not a people person, but sometime you have to reach out even if it’s just to come to a “truce” with someone.
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Again OP. I’m sending you a virtual hug. It takes more mental energy to ruminate about what happened then to just breathe and go forward. You can easily just smile and say hello to that woman and if she’s receptive great … if not. Then It’s not about you. I believe this whole interaction has grown out of proportion in your head because it was upsetting and gave you anxiety. Breathe. No one died. Nothing bad happened. It was a first time awkward exchange. Don’t fill in the gaps with catastrophe.
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I’ll share a story about me that was embarrassing, but worked out OK.
I was brand new at a barn, moved in January. Most of the horses at this barn were clipped, or had been blanketed so that they had very little winter coat. My guy was fuzzy. A barn worker was putting his heavy blanket on when it was about 30 degrees and I came on waaayy too strong about how he was going to sweat and he could be naked unless it was very very cold. Don’t know why I did this, probably because I’m awkward and have anxiety in a lot of social situations?
But, a few days later when I next saw the barn worker I simply said I was sorry for overreacting and that I didn’t meant to come off like that. She was perfectly polite and we became barn friends over time.
If I hadn’t taken that first step, I may never have gotten that friendship.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with not having the intention to make friends. But, as others have said, a friendly hello is all it takes to fit in. I truly wish you the best.
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That arena is set up with jumps, there is no space to lunge. The only other arena is a dressage setup and lunging would mess up the footing, I th ought. The one I went to was the one I had seen people, the including the trainer, use for lunging.
See, you just look for something to accuse me I did something wrong.
