Late 30s female. Been riding since I was a kid, I’ve owned a few horses. I hadn’t owned a horse in about 8 years and haven’t been riding very much. The longing has been so strong for so long, I finally bit the bullet and bought a horse. She’s only been here a few weeks and I am already questioning myself and having what I’ll call buyers remorse and I loathe myself for it. She is great. I am just finding that what I thought would make me feel complete, content and happy… is not. It’s as if I was chasing my youth but now as an adult things aren’t the same. Gone are the days of being a barn rat and devoting every spare moment and thought towards riding and my horse. I have a family now. Other hobbies. I feel a lot of FOMO when hubby is doing the things we used to do together but now I can’t join him. I thought I would be ok with a bit of sacrifice in order to have a horse again but so far, I’m not. Maybe these feelings will pass. Maybe they won’t. And I am sure it doesn’t help that it’s winter, miserable weather and dark by 4PM so I haven’t even gotten to fully enjoy my girl yet. I really question if the pursuit and fantasy in ones mind is always better than reality. Anyhow. Just needed to vent. Lord knows I can’t share these feelings with my husband right now… after years of me bitching and complaining about not having a horse. Maybe I will adjust. Can anyone relate?
I just got a new horse about a month ago and I can relate to a lot of this. In my case, it’s almost entirely the weather and time of year. There’s only so much daylight and it’s horribly muddy out there. Also give yourself some space, you had a whole life going without a horse in it. As an adult you have busier days and obligations you didn’t have as a kid. Now you have to be more intentional about carving out that time and widening your life to include her. The reality is going to be what you make of it. You’re not going to feel fulfilled if you’re mostly feeling guilty and conflicted; give yourself a break from that. Go do the hobbies with DH and also spend time with her. It’s not either or, it just feels that way b/c you’re questioning yourself. It’s quite possible that you will find yourself not liking having a horse as an adult but I think this time of year is terrible for being sure you enjoy having a horse. Give yourself until spring to work her into your life, bring your adult self to see her and do your best to take good care of her and maintain/increase her value so that if you decide it’s not for you any more you are able to sell her to a good home in the spring/summer. I think it’s a big adjustment for you right now and at the time of year horse ownership is least rewarding, at least in my world. I also think you’ve allowed a lot of negative vibe to enter the situation; try to reframe that with more positive vibes and see how it fits. This is something I fight with a lot so it’s said kindly, not critically.
@OnAMission said everything perfectly. I just want to add that it takes time to build a relationship not only with your horse but with your barn mates. Maybe once you have friends to do clinics and rides together with you will feel differently. Give yourself a few months to get used to your new life with horses.
There is this book “Is Your Horse 100%” by Margaret Henkels that might help you get a bond with your horse if you have the time to do the stuff she describes.
I got the book and realized that since I cannot stand very well (I have MS) and due to the fact that I only ride lesson horses I do not have long stretches of time to do what she says.
So I lent it to the lady that now helps me ride my Home Horse since she has two horses that I have ridden. I gave her one and I lent my copy to her mother who does have the time.
They both report positive results. The horses show great enjoyment with these techniques, and this lady agrees with my first impression of this book, do what this book says and you will probably form/build a very good rapport with your horse.
For a quicker bonding there are two grooming tools.
The horses I use my Perfect Prep fascia tool on seem to like it a good bit. This tool helps loosen tight spots in the horse’s fascia and helps the horse’s body feel better. Some horses want hard pressure with this tool, other horses just want it used lightly on their body. At most I get to use it a minute or two on the lesson horse and the horse reacts positively even though I am using very lightly on his back.
If your horse’s skin is not too sensitive I recommend the HandsOn Grooming gloves. These get all those itches that torment some horses. Sensitive skinned horses think these gloves are torture, but other less sensitive skinned horses think that they are the most wonderful grooming tool in the history of the Universe. Many horses ITCH, often mainly in one part of their body, and if you use these gloves on those itchy places it makes the horse super happy with you.
This will give you three things you can use. If one day you have enough time I recommend doing what the book says to do (this does take some time). If you do not have much time when you see your horse I would try the other tools I mentioned.
Between these three alternatives you may find that your horse starts looking forward to having you fuss over them. You may even end up with a horse that truly believes that you are their FRIEND since horses use mutual grooming to bond with each other. You don’t want the horse to groom you (in other words you have to set boundaries) but if you are calm and consistent the horse will learn that having you around makes them feel so much better without any treats or food involved that they start looking at you as a friend.
After being a horse kid, when I graduated college and got my first professional job, I gave up horses. I knew that I am not someone who could give sufficient energy to both horses and career (hats off to those of you who do!).
But virtually every day of my horse-less life, I thought about when I would get back into horses. When I decided that the time had come, I began wondering, “do I really want to do this, or do I just think I want to do this?”
I started with a riding lesson. It was as if my last day of riding had been the day before, not many years ago. I still had it all, even a little bit of jumping.
So went to a lesson program, on the barn horses. Proceeded to gradually slide down the slope of leasing, learned eventing, finally became a horse owner again.
Fell all the way back into the life. With luck, for the rest of my life.
OP, I don’t know where you will come out of this. Whatever you decide to do with this horse, there are options between full horse ownership and exploring the level of your interest, as it is today.
There are options for a gradual re-introduction with low commitment. It’s not too late to explore those choices.
And per a post above, yes it could be a season of challenging weather and increasing darkness is affecting your re-introduction. Maybe give it a few months and see how you feel then?
Some of my best memories of my first QHs (Boo) was his ability to give the best neck and back rubs ever! He was known for his back rubs. I actually have this on video. Scratch his chest and he would give you a back rub like you’ve never had at a horse show in your life. I haven’t had a horse interested in doing the same since. Dancer always appreciate a good rub, but I never trusted her as much and Moe just wanted head hugs.
Hang in there. From the time change until the days start getting longer after Christmas is a very hard time to have horses, especially where it’s cold AND dark. Be kind and fair with your new horse. Adult horse ownership is not going feel like the 16 year old you. And that’s ok.
Do you have your horse at home, or at a boarding barn? I’m wondering if part of what’s lacking is a community of other owners and riders. It always seemed like the “barn family” is half the fun of horses.
Perhaps getting some lessons with a trainer or joining a local riding club would be a way to find other people who share your passion, frustrations, ups and downs etc.
Give it a year. Summer time is so much more fun than winter. If you’re still not having fun in a year, re evaluate.
Did you buy the horse after some time lessoning or leasing? What is your horse like? Green? Broke? Do you have a trainer? What things are you missing you can’t do because of the horse?
This is really normal. Life gets super busy and horses take a-lot of time. The good thing is, if someone else is caring for her then you only have to do the fun things. And that’s ok!
I have had my horse for awhile but I went into a 2 year lull of barely riding and hardly seeing my horse. That changed completely when I almost lost him 1 month ago. I then learned that adding him back into my life was just something that I had to find space for, not that I didn’t want to do it. But I am nothing like my friends who found horses and few months ago. They dream of nothing but riding. And to me now it’s a chore. That may change, but until it does I’m ok with the extra workload.
If you’re not stressed about your horses care and paying for board, then just vibe. Your horse is not upset that she gets fed, turned out, and left alone. Give yourself some grace and reassess when the weather gets better!
Are you me?
I totally get it. Mid 30s, female, demanding job with weird hours, spouse and young child. Spent my youth- college years being a barn rat. Every decision I made had horses at the forefront: where to go to college, where/ how to begin a career, where to live, etc. I lost my heart horse about 3 years ago, bought another horse, subconsciously trying to replicate him (OTTB, bay, small star, slab sided). The first year was a struggle. In my head I referred to him not by his name, but as “NOT TUCKER”. There was a lot of doubt and crying on the way to and from the barn.
It does get better. We had a fantastic summer. Successfully found a suitable bit for dressage, went to 2 local schooling jumper shows where he marched around with no problems, and went XC schooling. In my head I know he will be a nice horse. He’s a nice horse already, but he’s green. In my heart, I still have a hard time loving him. I try to keep in mind that it’s not his fault that I still miss my heart horse. He’s a deserving, talented individual. I just need to treat him as such.
Agree with everyone who said, “give it time.” While I have not been horseless in 60 years, and keep my horses in my backyard (20 acres), I had the SAME feelings you did a year ago when I bought Bob.
April last year my #1 horse that I rode every day was declared unrideable forever due to a knee injury that had been growing worse gradually. That left me with my 25 year old sound hunt horse, and two more unrideable horses (one with inoperable bone chip that made him unsafe, and one with ringbone that made him permanently lame).
Four horses on site and only one 25 year old that was rideable.
And I ride every day (access to 3000 acres of woods and fields).
When a trail-riding buddy told me about Bob whom she saw on FB from a mutual friend’s post --I went, I rode, I PPE and I bought him --all within 48 hours.
Then I spend the next 6-8 months awake at night wondering what have I done? I’m past 70 and I just bought an 8 year old horse –
So buyers remorse is a thing with us horse people, I think. My kids tell me I was a PIA about all my horses after I bought them with angst about “why did I do this?”
November 20th, I’ve had Bob a year --and what an exciting year it has been!
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I have learned new skills as Bob and I decided that the most fun we would have was starting a new discipline together --I went from 57 years of fox hunting and dressage to learning all about Ranch Horse Riding!
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I met two new trainers --the first one didn’t work out, although she did teach Bob and me some fun ground work exercises before she kicked us out (she said Bob wasn’t the right horse for me). The second trainer --a Western Trainer and professional rider LOVED Bob and said he was a good match for me. Nothing like someone having faith in you to make you want to work hard!
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I met new friends who are greatly encouraging me (good timing as my previous horse pals have drifted away, one had a baby and the other started a new business). My new friends hooked me up with a man who rents out his herd and gives advice to people who what to “play with cows” --such fun! Old lady chasing cows!
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I’ve given away all my jumps and set out “trail obstacles” in my two rings that daily Bob and I work though --so much more fun for me that riding dressage circles!
In conclusion --relax --dream --if your husband wants to do something with you --do it --horse will be there tomorrow. I TRY to ride every day (Bob) and my now 26 year old hunter goes out hunting on Sundays --this is our last year. Don’t hesitate to try new things. One of the most fun things about changing disciplines is shopping for new-to-me riding attire --I will have a boat load of fox hunting coats and boots to sell —meanwhile, I’m looking for just the right teal, orange, and black saddle blanket to make Bob look special in his first show in May (Ranch Horse --goal is to show in ONE CLASS!)
Here is 73 year old me a month ago practicing boxing:
Going from not riding much to full ownership is a big adjustment, cut yourself some slack. You may find as you get to know your horse better you look forward to getting out to the barn more and more. You may also find that you want more balance in other areas of your life and riding 6 days per week just isn’t for you, and that’s totally ok. The amount of time and money we pour into our horses is pretty crazy when you look at it from an outside perspective, it’s ok (and healthy) to make time for family, friends, and other interests.
If your horse is one that’s ok being ridden less often then I’d just ease off a bit during the winter and not hold yourself to a schedule that’s stressing you out. If your mare does need a more consistent schedule, see about adding in some training rides or finding someone to half-lease a few days per week to take the burden off of you.
FWIW there are several women at my barn who have decided not to purchase in favor of half-leasing since it fits their lives better. It makes a lot of sense financially and time-wise, and they still get to learn, show, and develop a relationship with their horses without all the extra responsibilities of ownership. There are a lot of paths you can take to keep horses in your life, do whatever makes sense for you. Owning a horse is way too expensive and time-consuming to do if you’re not finding it satisfying.
Just wanted to +1 what everyone else said about the “oh no, what have I done?” feelings being completely normal. I bought a horse early this year and the first couple of weeks were rough–I cried going to and going home from the barn a few times. We found our footing though, and even though it hasn’t been a completely smooth journey since then, I’m so happy she’s part of our family.
I do want to comment a little more on your feelings of FOMO. I also feel bad sometimes about the amount of time I spend at the barn, instead of spending time with my husband. I don’t know that I’ve struck the perfect balance, but I try to be really intentional on the weekends about making sure we do things together. It’s not always something high-octane, but instead of collapsing in front of the TV when I get home from my lesson, we go out to a brewery, or if he’s golfing and I’m not riding, I’ll go and walk with him instead of staying home.
I’ve also realized that I don’t WANT to lead the barn rat lifestyle anymore–I want to have time to go to the gym, and drive to the city for an art exhibition with my mom, and have a few nights a week where I just come home from work and relax! So even after buying my pony, I still only end up at the barn 3-4 days a week. Sometimes when work is bananas, it’s once or twice. And sometimes when I’m off work all week, it’s every day. But it’s okay to not eat, breathe, and sleep horses. Balance is healthy.
You’ve gotten a great amount of good advice from a couple different perspectives (boarding vs keeping at home).
I’ve done both for about the same time - boarded for my 1st 15yrs owning, horse(s) at home for 20.
What stuck out for me was your concern about discussing the situation with your husband.
I’d hope he’d be your most supportive ally.
My own Total CityGuy DH started riding at 56, was still very much a Newb when I bought my first horse at age 39 - after years of Schoolies & shareboards.
But even if he’d had zero interest in horses, I never doubted he’d support whatever I did & same for me & his life aside from us.
In fact, I bought that horse with part of the proceeds from a refi. Never occurred to me he might object.
I hope you can do the same.
AND that you get past this phase of horseowning, come to enjoy your horse or move her on if that feels like the better choice.
Pls come back here to update us.
So, in my own experience (full-time job, kids, any half-decent barn is a 45-minute + drive from home or work without traffic and there is always traffic), the stress/guilt with my own horses never got any better. I now half-lease a horse, and this is easier. I feel badly for us both when I don’t get there even on the three days a week I “have” him, but he lives with his owner and he’s in his mid-20s, so, it’s a different dynamic. I constantly go through the cycle of, “Is this really worth it?” vs “But there is no happiness like horse happiness, and and I don’t want to let it go.”
I think the only thing that really helped me was to establish a routine and stick to it. I don’t mean a routine of “I must train three days and hack two days and get to one clinic a month.” I just mean a routine of, “I am going to get to the barn by x time on these days, and my family/other obligations will be just fine without me for a few hours.”
And yes, it takes awhile, and it takes having experiences with the next horse, to stop comparing the new horse to the old horse. And, depending on where you live, even if you were a kid again, it would be different. So much land has been developed, so many people (riders and/or their parents or other family) are over-scheduled, and so many jobs require us to work harder and without a boundary between work and personal time.
Give yourself the time, and enough different experiences with your horse, to find out it it’s right to have a horse again. Things will work out the way they are supposed to; it’s never a straight line.
For me, though, as others have said, I’m more curious about the FOMO. It sounds like you have FOMO with your partner, and also had FOMO about horses. Maybe think about where all this FOMO is coming from? 
Have you considered half leasing her out to another competent person? You might like having a bit less time to HAVE to be there and still get your horse time in.
I think this is a very wise and important question.
Other posters have given you great insight, but I personally identified with this passage.
While I’ve owned horses non-stop for most of my life, as I’ve grown older I’ve felt the same way as you. I never considered walking away from horses entirely, but there were numerous days when I almost dragged myself to the barn. The magic… just wasn’t there anymore.
It took me a while to understand that I was longing to recapture a time in my life, an era when I was more carefree and didn’t have the responsibilities and stresses that come with being an older adult. Although I could recreate the circumstances of owning a horse and going to the barn, I could not recapture a moment in time.
So I re-prioritized what my horse and riding meant to me. They’re a vital part of my life, such as it is now, but they’re not my entire life. And while I might not get the same sense of happiness I felt in my younger days, it will still be happiness. Just a different happiness.
It sounds like you have a lovely horse and a supportive husband. Give yourself time to figure out how a horse and riding fits in the life you have now. Discover your new happiness!
