But you would get out the door, which is what you need right now. Let the future unfold as it will. They will get used to it. And if not, that’s really on them, not you. You need to take care of yourself and your horse. We are supposed to do this for fun, and being in a toxic environment is not fun – especially when it’s family. I think you will all get along better if you’re apart. Good luck, I know this is not easy.
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Yes good idea, I will include that in my reasons, I’ve taken on a very busy care job with the elderly so that would make sense, it will give me a break from them for now atleast. Frightened of upsetting them at their age, their quite fragile or seem to be
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Then don’t tell them the real reason, ever.
Just don’t ever go back. Your sister will fend for herself or get rid of the animals, which it sounds like your parents ultimately want anyways.
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ETA:
I replied before seeing your post above.
My advice still stands with this addition:
Get out.
Move your horse.
If your sister doesn’t start doing more for her “farm”, your parents have to deal with that.
It will be their - sister & parents - problem to solve, not yours.
There’s the root of your problem.
I understand not wanting to upset your parents.
But the alternative seems to be you doing most (all?) the work to keep your sisters livestock fed & cared for.
A Thought:.
Even adding the hour commute, consider moving your horse somewhere with an indoor arena if that’s possible.
Assuming your part of the World is approaching winter weather, you gain a place to ride & your sister has to step up to feed, clean, etc for the animals she’s accumulated, but doesn’t seem to care for.
If you’d be expected to do the chores even if your horse wasn’t there, that’s a different story.
In that case, unless you’re living in your parents house, or on their property, your responsibility for sister’s animals should end.
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Not to overstep into the family dynamics, but from what you’ve said, it sounds as though your sister (and more passively, your parents) take advantage of both your labor and silence. No one asked you about accumulating the additional livestock, but you feel beholden to care for them? This could be a really good opportunity to establish some boundaries and focus on taking care of yourself, and your horse–elsewhere. I’m sorry, I know it’s hard to make that break, especially with a history of feeling obligated to keep the family peace. They will likely respond poorly and try to guilt/manipulate you into staying and maintaining the status quo. It serves them well to have you there picking up the slack, but it isn’t good for you.
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I would agree with what everyone else is saying. If this was a barn owner/manager who was taking your board money but not feeding/caring for your animal while simultaneously requiring YOU to feed (pay) and care for both your and their animals, then you wouldn’t hesitate to up and move. Not to presume on the family dynamics, but your parents turning a blind eye to it all will only create or exacerbate your ill will towards both your sister and them. I would venture to guess that they will forgive/forget you moving the horse much sooner than you will forgive/forget the thousands of dollars you will invest in caring for three horses and a flock of sheep that don’t belong to you. You’re in a very unenviable position with no easy way out, but for the sake of your sanity and your pocketbook… go ahead and make the move to a different situation.
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It sounds like you let other people dictate your own actions, because you don’t want to stir up trouble, don’t want to upset this one, don’t want to upset that one. Your family has layers of its own power dynamic, as others have said. You will not be able to change the power dynamic without upsetting everyone else. It sounds like your sister is better at manipulating things and getting away with them than you are. Your parents are not effective in managing your sister. (I am not judging anyone; just offering what I see, based on how I read your posts). If you want anything to change, you will have to be the one to make the change and yes, you will upset people.
They will be fine.
Think of the saying, “You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet,” which means that some things may have to be broken in order to achieve something good. Quit worrying about upsetting your family, and go take action to stand up for what is right for you, your pocketbook, and your horse.
I hear you about how some animals won’t be fed if you’re not there to do it, but, this is the sad side of human dysfunction and its impact on animals. You cannot fix it unless you can buy your own place and take care of multiple animals there. In the meantime, move your horse and go be around supportive, friendly, happy, emotionally competent people.
I do want to add that, though you’re getting alot of stern advice, I think that many people here do empathize with this kind of situation, and we’re thinking of you and sending hugs and support.
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Let her and move your horse. It might be cheaper and less work in the end.
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Be careful that if she does “take over” you won’t lose any inheritance with respect to the farm. could that possibly be her end game? I suggest you consult a lawyer.
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An inheritance isn’t worth OPs peace and quality of life.
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I’d tell your family that you are unable to handle your job and the chores for your horse right now and that you need to move him to reduce your need to do chores for him, while having him at a place where you have a better opportunity to ride as well.
I would make arrangements to move him before telling them of your decision. Will the new livery require a deposit or a months board in advance? Do you like the new place? If so, then pay for your horse’s place there one month in advance, or whatever the policy is. That will be your good reason for not letting your family change your mind at the last minute.
Good luck. I know it’s a difficult situation but you shouldn’t continue to be anyone’s doormat, that’s no way to live your life.
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The question here isn’t '“do you clash with people in your barn?”
The question here is “are you stuck in a caretaking relationship with toxic family environment, where a financially and socially immature sibling is being enabled to hoard animals and evade responsibility?”
I’m sure there’s more back story. My guess is sister has “issues” either mental health or substance abuse, past or present, and parents have always cut her a lot of slack, maybe feel guilty. And now they have roped in you as the only responsible adult in the family.
It’s also possible parents are losing ground physically and/or cognitively and have given up setting boundaries.
It’s also very likely that the actual situation on the farm is just a tiny part of the overall family dynamics, and you are being guilted into paying for and taking care of much more in their lives
So the first step for you is to.set some personal boundaries. I would suggest going first to therapy and working through your guilt and resentment. At some point depending on how fast your parents deteriorate you may need legal advice on power of attorney etc.
No one can be an effective help to aging parents when you are as enmeshed as you are, and terrified to.displease them and feel totally responsible for things outside your control.
Move your horse, and then go to therapy and get yourself untangled as much as you can. Then you will have more scope to think and plan clearly.
If the animals end up actually starving it might be time to involve animal control.
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I agree to move. While not a horse/ farm issue, we have a somewhat similar family issue that has cost us tens of thousands of dollars. It’s heartbreaking because there are several children involved. My husband keeps his mouth shut and pays everyone else’s bill and does all the repairs for places we don’t own or live in. All this has done is ENABLE them to keep having more kids, keep not paying bills, etc. And then he complains we have no money. I wonder why? This isn’t just protecting yourself, but its also to stop enabling your sister from bringing in more animals.
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Adding on that it can be confusing navigating parents aging and getting fragile in mind and body.
When we are young parents exercise authority over us and we often feel.compelled to argue, negotiate, placate, and be honest about how we feel.
When they get to a certain age, we need to start managing them. That means you don’t necessarily confront things head on, or provide all your reasons, and you also don’t really expect they will listen to reason or set appropriate boundaries or act in their own best interests.
You cannot change the dynamics between your parents and your sister.
So tell them the move is “temporary” and then just never bring your horse back because “he settled in so we’ll” or “the arena is so nice” or “this fits my increased work schedule better.”
They just don’t want to feel responsible for the failed relationship between you and sister. If you allow them to not worry about that they won’t care where you go
They may also feel that you are trying to “manipulate” them into reining in your sister by threatening to leave, and resent this. They may feel that you expressing concern about your sister’s irresponsible behavior is you “trying to control” them. Elderly parents can get strange, especially when they start to lack the physical and cognitive abilities to manage their lives. Elderly people can get resentful and suspicious in unexpected ways.
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It’s funny you should say that. Several times now my partner has mentioned this and a couple of my friends. It should have sprung to my mind before but im not really bothered about inheritance when I think of them eventually passing. She is definitely materialistic and enjoys collecting things mainly animals and money is her main concern, so on hindsight it’s probably what she’s gearing up for sadly. She said it’s her home and she can stay as long as she likes, when I reminded her it’s their land and they don’t want anymore animals
Maybe three years ago now, the RSPCA turned up at the house she used to rent wanting to know why her three legged ancient dog was outside in the freezing temperatures with not even a kennel and then another time for her rabbits repeatedly escaping all over the estate she lived on. I wouldn’t allow them to starve but I’m thinking if I set some boundaries and actually disappear she would then step up and actually move herself to feed them. If she doesn’t il have to think again
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I’m really sorry to hear this. Very similar situation to be honest. All we’re doing is enabling leeches to further be leeches. Most people you help just start thinking your a complete walk over to be used I find. It’s not fair on you atall. I hope you find a positive solution!!
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you are in a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation.
In my opinion, what is most important is your mental health. Your family will get over it. And if they don’t … well sod them. Just circle back to what is best for your mental health. 
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Your title is absolutely spot on. There is more back story, I don’t think it’s a substance abuse issue (however now I’m starting to wonder if it is a hoarding problem? Collecting animals as objects?) they have definitely always cut her slack as they can’t control her, she does exactly as she wants, always has. Where I asked permission to put my horse on their land she doesn’t ask she just buys one after the other despite how they feel and they can’t deal with her. I do tame care of much more in their lives, house cleaning, general jobs they need, helped my dad on his saw mill for years. None of that I’m complaining about but maybe that’s why they don’t want me to go? She lives there and point blank will not lift a finger. Animal control will get involved in the end, the RSPCA (notoriously useless animal charity in the UK) was involved twice before in the neglect of her dog and rabbits. Thank you for your support, everyone has been so helpful. A teacher once said to me in school, your going to have a hell of a life if you let your family guilt trip you like this, that statement has never left me
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Your title is absolutely spot on. There is more back story, I don’t think it’s a substance abuse issue (however now I’m starting to wonder if it is a hoarding problem? Collecting animals as objects?) they have definitely always cut her slack as they can’t control her, she does exactly as she wants, always has. Where I asked permission to put my horse on their land she doesn’t ask she just buys one after the other despite how they feel and they can’t deal with her. I do tame care of much more in their lives, house cleaning, general jobs they need, helped my dad on his saw mill for years. None of that I’m complaining about but maybe that’s why they don’t want me to go? She lives there and point blank will not lift a finger. Animal control will get involved in the end, the RSPCA (notoriously useless animal charity in the UK) was involved twice before in the neglect of her dog and rabbits. Thank you for your support, everyone has been so helpful. A teacher once said to me in school, your going to have a hell of a life if you let your family guilt trip you like this, that statement has never left me
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