dont have a conversation. just make the arrangements and then do it. No conversation needed.
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I stumbled upon your other thread on obnoxious neighbors just now. Glad to hear that resolved itself, but take that teachers words to heart, itās never too late to set some boundaries
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My father said if you donāt discuss a problem, you canāt solve a problem. So with the caveat that my family background includes āheated discussionsā take these opinions with a grain (or pound) of salt.
You can leaveā¦as some have suggestedā¦or you can engage.
I donāt know your family dynamics, but I have been dealing with elderly parents and in-laws. I would ask your parents questions about what they want as they age. You might want to have a conversation about what THEY want for their farm and their care as they age. Things like who has Power of Attorney, access to bank accounts, medical health-care proxy are things my husband has had to deal with his mom. He was co-signer on her accounts so he could pay her bills.
You could be the āresponsible daughter.ā Who do your parents want to manage their affairs?
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You are being abused. Get out. Do not discuss. Make arrangements and just do it. Do not set foot in your parentsā/sisterās barn/fields/barnyard again from the moment you move your horse.
You are NOT responsible for not upsetting them at this point. They are responsible for any discomfort their badly made bed may give them. They can choose to lie in it moaning and whingeing, or they can figure out where they went wrong and try to fix it. YOU cannot make that choice for them.
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I would suggest a first step of seeing a counselor to discuss how to handle family relationships.
Second, how infirm are your parents? Some people play the āold and weakā card when it suits them, but can function pretty well when they need to. I am likely older than your parents! You may or may not be able to have a conversation about their future needs and care - some people will not discuss these issues.
I like the idea of moving the horse āfor nowā for better riding, etc. and agree to only tell when it is arranged and about to happen. Not much of a discussion, more āhere is what I am going to doā Hopefully your counselor can help you not engage in conversations that try to guilt trip you into staying.
Good luck emerging from your Cinderella status!
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Thanks, me too, I think she must have been quite unhappy in her own life which is sad. I always struggle to set boundaries, always have. Seems the only thing to do your right
Quoting to agree with sashcha that this is indeed a form of abuse. Hoarding was mentioned upthread as well. Hoarding is a true mental disorder as well and isnāt something that someone can generally help without therapy/meds. My ex MIL had these issues. All this to say, donāt let their issues bring down your life and finances. If they ever decide to help themselves, I would be all for supporting it if you have the bandwidth. But you are in no way obligated to do anything.
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I guess Iām old fashionedā¦ I think a daughter has responsibilities to look after the parentsā¦especially when there might be āelder abuseā by the other daughter.
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Not at the expense of their own mental, financial, and emotional wellbeing. There is a difference between caring for family that accepts that support and picking up the pieces behind grown adults making poor choices that actively undermine those efforts.
Kids are not a retirement plan, and you canāt ask one child to do all the ācaringā while also letting the other run around being irresponsible. Healthy adults can set boundaries even with their family and offer help where they can without being sucked into the drama. The issue is this kind of manipulation starts at birth - and thatās VERY hard to overcome (if the person even realizes whatās happening). OP has classic signs of this - the fear of āupsettingā people who are running her over and have no respect for her time, finances, and responsibilities.
To OP - move. Board the horse ājust until my life calms down and I have time to care for him at the farmā and then never move him back. You can keep an eye on your parents without being tied to the property, and donāt get involved with whatever your sister has going on. You canāt help people that donāt want to be helped, so stay in touch and do what you can without risking your own wellbeing!
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100%. As a childfree woman myself, the amount of times Iāve heard ābUt whO Will TakE CArE of You WhEN YOU geT oLD???ā is a pretty common response.
One to which I respond with, āthats not a guaranteeā.
My parents do not expect me to take care of them. Theyāve planned and are set to make and afford their own decisions in their later years. With that said, I would be happy to all live under one roof if itās called for at any point in the future. But thatās probably because they donāt expect me to. DH does not have that same relationship with his parents and thats totally ok.
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Same here, except itās the sibling thatās causing the issues I think. OP is having to take care of her sisters animals while she keeps collecting them. It is on the parentsā land but boundaries have to be set. My husband will always take care of his mom, and she will always take advantage, but we canāt afford to keep taking care of his brother, girlfriend and their 8 to 10 kids (depending on how you look at it). Sometimes you have to step out for awhile to set those boundaries.
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You canāt be an effective caretaker of elderly parents unless you set boundaries and stop being emotionally manipulated by them. In effect you have to stop being the child and become the parent. Otherwise you wonāt be able to do the difficult stuff like getting them into nursing homes.
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Thank you for your words. Iām surprised and genuinely appreciative of all the people on here that have responded. At the risk of sounding poor me (i know I have a choice to stop it) but they do expect me to do all of the caring,(house work/horses/helping on the timber yard, in-between my night shifts) its the way its always been and itās because my sister as many others have said, is a law unto herself and i think their too afraid of discord to put their foot down. They are such good people they really are, it breaks my heart seeing them upset sometimes. Itās funny you should say that this kind of manipulation starts at birth, weirdly, the day I came home from hospital as a baby she asked when I was going back and has never given me or our other sister and brother who live away, the time of day. Although I donāt think she is inherently bad, she is is extremely jelouse and selfish by nature, I donāt think she can help it. I donāt mean just with me either. Itās been abit of an awakening hearing other peopleās outside view on it and I thank everyone for that x
That makes sense, itās just very difficult to do. If I try to have any discussion about anything all they say is I donāt want to hear it and turn a blind eye. They have always been like that. Is that fair enough do you think if they canāt cope/itās too upsetting for them?
Rightly or wrongly, I know I will always take care of them, itd devastate me to do anything else, but I think Iām going to have to put some distance between me and my sister for now
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Thank you. I think your right and itās very helpful for people with a clear head to tell me what I should hear. Itās just finding the strength to take the leap and rock the boat further than it is. I would honestly at this point quite happily never see my sister again, I feel peace at the thought of never having to be around her again, almost joy. Iām just so sad for my parents.
I will be making an appointment to try to get therapy set up. Your right. Their in their mid and late seventies but my dad still works on his timber yard with my help/my brotherās when he visits although heās doing less nowadays. They seem emotionally fragile when thereās any upset or if approached no matter how calmly, to discuss any problems so Ive learnt not to, to keep them calm, especially my dad. I feel guilty very easily and they know that I think. They would never want to discuss their future needs/care I donāt think and itās never been mentioned yet
Sorry if Iāve already replied but thank you. Your 100% right. Iāve been thinking of those words alot the last two days
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I think your dad was completely right. My parents think the opposite. They automatically refuse to discuss anything and I think thatās because my sister is very immature, she cant have a adult conversation without it getting heating and wouldnāt dream of apologizing for anything. I wish I could engage and solve this but they wonāt/canāt. I donāt know who they want to manage their affairs and Iād be worried about approaching them about it to be honest
I would approach the questions with the approach of, āwhat do you guys (parents) wantā for your legacy. Put it as you want to make sure their wishes are carried out. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of planning for death. People may not want to hear this, but I have seen enough families torn apart due to squabbling about the parentsā estate. You might want to take a āhigher principledā view and ask the parents if they want to clarify their wishes then ask them to meet with an attorneyā¦which of course you will have previously discussed with the attorney that you recommend.
Perhaps you can discuss your parentsā future care with any therapist you engage. You might want to ask how to best broach the issue of death. Some people cannot contemplate their own death, so
