Thank you for your words but honestly, I would personally be far more upset if they passed away, than worrying about who has the land. I think it would be far too upsetting to see it every day and if they weren’t around now I’d be gone yesterday, my sister can keep the land she clearly wants it very badly, I would rather try and move on from it all. They could have their future plans already made and just not shared it with anyone. That’s their business I guess not mine
Again…we can agree to disagree. My personal philosophy is that karma goes around. If you give off good karma…good karma will return to you…and good friends will step up to help you in difficult times. You don’t need kids as indentured caretakers.
So, while it might be painful to deal with difficult parents, part of sending good karma into the universe, one can buck up and deal with it.
A person can control how to deal with others. One can choose to deal with difficult people with resentment and bitterness or with grace, magnanimity and good will.
As far as “well-being”…one can always say “no.” As COTH says, “No is a complete sentence.” This applies to finances and “emotional” investment. A person can choose what to let others control…or not.
My aunt was a teacher. When she died, at her viewing, the attendees signed 3 visitor signature books. I lost count at 800 visitors. The funeral home kicked people out at 11PM…when the scheduled visitation started at 4PM. That was a lady that sent out good karma.
You misunderstand. I was not referring to the land.
I was referring to asking your parents who will make decisions when they can’t. Who will have access to their bank accounts, say to pay taxes, utilities or medical bills? Who will make decisions about their health care if they are incapacitated? Do they want your sister to have that power?
I know you say your parents don’t deal with difficult topics, but if you approach it kindly, I think you could start to plant ideas to get them thinking. It may work. It may not. But at least you tried.
Step into your power. If you don’t think you can…you won’t. If you dwell on how it won’t work…it won’t. I suggest forging ahead and then seeing what is the parents’ response. But you have to approach the parents from the perspective of being their advocate and wanting things in their best interest.
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Right, the good karma nonsense is well worth continuing a dreadful abusive relationship. This is a general comment, not just about this particular poster’s situation.
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My ex husband was real big on karma. Extremely vocal about it. Long story short, he ended up being a pretty awful person, not just to me but friends and family too (his included). When karma fails you, just move to a new state where no one knows you 
I was state number 3 as it turns out.
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My point is that in order to be able to effectively help aging parents you need to develop some autonomy and sense of perspective. Even then it may not be easy because very often they don’t want help until it’s too late
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Yes! Even here on COTH there are threads where people are hurt and intimidated that elderly relatives aren’t being nice or reasonable or appreciative when from their description it is clear to the rest of us observers the relatives are in cognitive decline and can’t be reasoned with. If you can’t get past your childhood deference and neediness about older relatives it’s hard to see what’s going on. If there are other competent siblings I’d also suggest a discussion with them.
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You can’t out-karma abuse. And abuse comes in many forms and many different levels, it’s not just physical.
It’s totally fine to say what you personally would do if it was your own life. It is not reasonable to tell someone that they have owe it to their abusive family/partner/employer/etc to stay and let things happen as they are. Because karma or blood relation or whatever.
Sure, maybe in an ideal world we all would be strong enough to stay physically and financially in a situation while also setting boundaries and making changes. The reality is, it is very hard for someone in the trenches to do that without separating themselves from the people who have dragged them down to this place from the beginning. This doesn’t mean going cold turkey no contact, this doesn’t mean making it into a huge deal or turning it into a fight. It means you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of someone else, and often that requires distance and independence.
My brain is wired for hyper independence rather than people pleasing so these are situations I personally have not gotten into. However, I have friends who sound like OP and can tell you that staying in it and trying to be very helpful one while also taking care of yourself is almost impossible. It is much easier to get out, create some distance and then (usually with some therapy) learn to set boundaries and stick to them before you come back in.
Anyway, getting off my soapbox here as I’m sure this is more than OP was looking for when they opened this thread. However, this does sound like a situation that will not improve without a huge personality change from OP or with some distance created by them.
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That is what we are doing.
No one is saying that.
I thought the point was to give OP different perspectives that she could then use in her own way.
The world is not binary. You have be both… "hyper independence AND still have empathy, and generosity for aging…even demanding…parents.
This is what I disagree with. This isn’t “I would feel responsible for my parents”. This is a statement that daughters have responsibilities.
And this is nonsense. Again, it wasn’t “I would find it painful to deal with difficult parents, but I would be able to compartmentalize that and deal with it in a way that protected my wellbeing too”. It was “everyone should just suck it up and deal with it”.
I agree with most of your clarifications following these. I don’t agree at all with what you actually wrote the first time through.
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Replying to myself to reiterate:
This is what I’m saying to OP. Nowhere did I say “gtfo and leave your parents to their own devices”, but rather that OP would be a better help to them if she’s not tied up in the day to day sister drama and horse/animal stuff.
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This bears repeating. Succinct and chock full of truth.
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Excuse me. I could have written that “children” have responsibilities for parents. They took care of us for many years as minor children, perhaps it is time to return the effort when the roles of dependency are reversed. I know I wasn’t an easy child. Since I am female, and a daughter, I used that word in my example. You are speaking to one of the original bra-burning hippie feminists - and proud of it - so I expect equal opportunities for all, men included, to take care of aging parents.
I am sorry if I didn’t use your precise verbiage…your “compartmentalization” perhaps is my “buck up and deal with it.” Everyone handles stressful situations their own way and expresses themselves as an individual.
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I agree it would have been better worded with children.
Either way, son or daughter, children do not have any obligations to their parents and are not a retirement/healthcare plan. I realize there are cultural differences where this is much more the norm, but for most Americans it’s not. For various reasons.
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This, 100%, coming from a daughter who did care for my elderly mother. But I don’t know that I would have if my mother had been abusive to me.
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Agree. It was soul crushing to help care for my mom until she passed, but I wouldn’t change it.
My father, on the other hand, was difficult in every way imaginable. He was also manipulative with a nasty mean streak. He drank too much, too. I simply could not do it. Fortunately, my older brother, who has much the same personality as my father, took on looking after him in his final years.
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