Are you “good enough” for the equestrian world?

[RAyers]

Suicide is not simply a single cause. Those who have taken their lives had much deeper issues than being in the horse world. We can be sad about their situation but they are the only ones who can fix themselves. All we can do is live our lives and hope they somehow see a path using our example as a guiding light.

Burning out due to death is not unique. Look at the worlds of emergency services and the military. Those who survive, and maybe even thrive, in those situations are able to define what their own life is to themselves. They can be sad but still find joy in simply being alive in a moment.

I would suggest you seek some aid in dealing with your feelings and perceptions to enable you to find what gives you purpose and joy at the most simple.

As I said, to me competition is more than competing. Yes, I love running fast and jumping big things. Getting a ribbon is fun too. BUT, sitting by the schooling ring watching low level rides, sharing a lunch and soda, talking about the past with friends, rooting for terrified kids or adults at their big competition, enjoying the sun and solitude as your horse munches hay, that is what makes it all worth it for me.

Here is the only video I took at an international competition. At the end of the day where we had two stops on course, I am in shorts and flip flops, most of the competitors have left and I still felt more peace than I ever had winning at the FEI levels or the A/O jumpers. Maybe that tells you where I am coming from.

IMG_0584

[fivestrideline]

Well said.

As to the title of the thread: Are you “good enough” for the equestrian world?"

Absolutely I am. My horses’ welfare and care comes first, before competitive success or Instagram likes or any other comparative measure. I’ve surrounded myself with people who think the way I do and have the same values, and I only do things with horses that bring me happiness (well, that and pay vet bills ). My horses get to BE horses, and while I expect them to be good citizens, I also TEACH them those skills in a way that makes sense. I am always trying to learn how to be a better horseman, and I have FUN.

I think that makes me plenty good enough for the equestrian world.

[Paint_Party]

@fivestrideline

I think you poorly communicated your point.

This.

I’m not sure what being “good enough” is supposed to mean here.

Good enough… to win at the upper levels?
Good enough… morally or ethically?
Good enough… to feel like an accepted member of the inner circle?
Good enough… to counteract the mistreatment and poor sportsmanship you’ve witnessed?

I understand the part about losing the magical aspects of being around horses when younger. I still felt that way when I was competing as a younger adult ammy and doing all the adult medals. I had an almost romanticized vision of the equestrian world. Then it all came crashing down when I started riding for some BNTs and saw the more sullied side of showing. I began to think, “Is this the way it has to be? Do I even want to be here?”

As an aside, eventually three of my former trainers and coaches ended up vilified by Safe Sport. I even contributed testimony against one of them. Were they good enough for the equestrian world? Was I?

After taking time away from showing, I came back to it at a smaller, more local level where it was more about tailgating parties, encouraging sportsmanship and hands-on horse care with the youth, and planning the end of the year championship show. I tried different disciplines and had adventures in each one. Now I do ranch riding, reining and dabble in western dressage. I’m having a blast!

Ultimately I’ve learned that the only magic in the horse world is the magic I create between my horse and myself. It can be at a show, in a lesson or clinic, on a trail ride or simply grooming my mare in the crossties. I know I will always be good enough for that world.

OP, I hope you find your peace.

[MorganMaresVT]

@BeeHoney

I think it would be really curious if you investigated participating in other areas of the horse world.

This was my first thought after reading the OP a couple of times. I can’t relate to the sentiments in that post at all, but I am in a completely different horse scene.

I have a classic New England farm where my horses live out 24/7, and access to hundreds of miles of roads and trails out the gate. I have no “help,” it’s just me and, luckily, a great farrier and vet who still make farm calls. I live in one of the last meccas of distance riding on the East Coast, and never take it for granted for a minute. I work a demanding job so my horse ambitions are extremely modest- long, slow, effective conditioning to do the shorter endurance events with my hardy little Morgans. And the satisfaction of looking out the window every morning when I wake up and seeing them at the gate waiting for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand how heartbreaking horses can be - I lost two beloved mares within a 3 month span last year; we just passed the one-year anniversary of losing my first horse, which hurt tremendously. The anniversary of losing the second one is coming up in March, and that one hurts even more because it was an out of the blue, horrific colic that took her way too young.

Yet I feel like I’m living the dream with a farm and horses of my own, without a care in the world about keeping up with the proverbial Joneses. If you’re fulfilling a lifelong dream, it’s supposed to bring joy. Why ruin it by succumbing to someone else’s expectations?

[Lost_Shoe]

The top level hunter jumper horse show world had been described as, ruefully, on other threads here discussing the topic, the horse-show-industrial-complex and the “check-book Olympics.” After basic needs are met, money does not buy happiness. Buying things provides people with a short term buzz, then people go back to their baseline. In contrast, using money to gain experiences has a more sustained impact on one’s fulfillment. Applying this to the horse show world: an amateur showing up to compete their horse that was trained, groomed and tacked up by others is experiencing something quite different than an amateur whose focus/priority is on the long-term/life-long journey of improving their training, horse care, and horsemanship skills.

The current h/j show structure of week-long shows cultivates/promotes participants to focus primarily on the show ring, and leave the horse care and training to trainers and staff. For the majority of people who have jobs/school/other responsibilities Monday-Friday, they can only be at the show on the weekends, so the horse care has to be done by someone else. The inadvertent impact of this is that it is shortchanging people on some of the most fulfilling and impactful aspects of our interactions with horses: grooming, hand-walking, hand grazing, etc. In general, people who love horses love spending quality time doing these things. Effectively removing these aspects from the horse show scene, is without question reducing overall happiness and contentment, for no actual reason, other than this is the current structure of showing.

I have a high-pressure, demanding career outside of horses. On the rare occasions that I can take a week off from work and take my horse to a rated show, I am extremely happy to be there. I do everything myself and I cherish every minute of it. I love spending all day with my horses; my horses are also quite content at shows and get lots of hand-walking and hand-grazing. Showing without doing all of this myself would just seem empty and flat.

[FjordBCRF]

@fivestrideline

Well said.

As to the title of the thread: Are you “good enough” for the equestrian world?"

Absolutely I am. My horses’ welfare and care comes first, before competitive success or Instagram likes or any other comparative measure. I’ve surrounded myself with people who think the way I do and have the same values, and I only do things with horses that bring me happiness (well, that and pay vet bills ). My horses get to BE horses, and while I expect them to be good citizens, I also TEACH them those skills in a way that makes sense. I am always trying to learn how to be a better horseman, and I have FUN.

I think that makes me plenty good enough for the equestrian world.

All of this!! The horse people that impress me the most are the ones that put their horses first. I went down a couple rabbit holes that starting is April this year over tripping/knee buckling/lameness issues against a lot of real life peoples opinions. Glad I did because it’s managed (for now) after 8 month; we just got the go ahead to increase workload. If I had listened to a number of people in my circles that the tripping was “being distracted/not paying attention/he just trips” I would have been doing him a huge disservice and one that could have gotten both of us seriously injured.

OP if your “good enough” doesn’t match the “industry” sounds like it’s time to self reflect and maybe re-align your give-a-darn-about-what-other-people-are-doing meter. After a lot of showing as a kid, I saw the ugly side of the industry and decided to march to the beat of my own horsey drum. Haven’t looked back.

Money and show records mean so little to me at this point if people still aren’t putting their horses first.

[ThreeWishes]

The horse world you create should be the one that brings you joy. Not one that involves the things that you describe. I have a lovely horse. He’s a nicer horse than I am a rider and could probably spend week long shows being ridden by a pro and clean up at the AA shows. That’s not my scene. So I campaign him at a lovely local show series that’s been going for 75 years. A bunch of us rent RVs. To stay on site. We Trailer our own horses to the grounds and have a glorious weekend of cheering each other on, eating drinking and getting merry.
I hunter pace my horse, go on trail rides, swim him in the lake, take 2 jumping lessons a week and am starting to dabble in dressage. If I can muster the cojones I’m thinking about looking into eventing.

That’s the beauty of horses. There are so many different paths to happiness and fulfillment and you can do it with kindness and ethics. If you don’t like the road you’ve been navigating maybe take the one less travelled. I bet that will make all the difference.

[cayuse]

I’m not good enough for the horse industry, but I’m good enough for myself. I always wanted a fancy show horse but what what I’ve always ended up with are those that need an abundance of TLC. Yes, I’ve shown a lot, but never met the lofty goals I had when I was younger. But I enjoy fixing up the ones that come my way. They are my friends and that’s my “good enough”.

[ThreeWishes]

Wanting to be “good enough of an equestrian” in the world the OP describes is like wanting to move to LA and be the best human amidst the Hollywood sect and wondering why people are only concerned about money and fame and take advantage of each other. You can be your best self anywhere. You can find like minded people pursuing like minded goals. With joy and ethics and kindness. It doesn’t make sense to immerse yourself in a culture that you know is not set up for that and bang your head against the wall wondering why things are so bad. Be the change you desire. There are many of us equestrians who treat our horses like gold, enjoy them at all different levels and pursuits and surround ourselves with people who we admire and like and share the same principles with. You are the company you keep.

[Demerara_Stables]

@Lost_Shoe

The current h/j show structure of week-long shows cultivates/promotes participants to focus primarily on the show ring, and leave the horse care and training to trainers and staff. For the majority of people who have jobs/school/other responsibilities Monday-Friday, they can only be at the show on the weekends, so the horse care has to be done by someone else. The inadvertent impact of this is that it is shortchanging people on some of the most fulfilling and impactful aspects of our interactions with horses: grooming, hand-walking, hand grazing, etc. In general, people who love horses love spending quality time doing these things. Effectively removing these aspects from the horse show scene, is without question reducing overall happiness and contentment, for no actual reason, other than this is the current structure of showing.

Excellent take

[hallie2]

maybe you are asking the wrong question, ie. am I good enough? there are always fancier horses than yours, better riders, nicer barns, bigger trucks. comparisons will only make you feel less good.Instead ask yourself “how do I find meaning in the sport I love?”

I’m happy every time I’m around my horses; I suspect most people on this board feel the same way. But it’s not about showing, it’s about the relationship w a truly marvelous animal.

You can find your way again.

[Bluey]

[Ghazzu]

You need to find yourself a different group of horse friends if you don’t feel “good enough”.

[gradytb]

THIS. So today I grabbed my fire ant bait to go douse new piles that showed up (I’m in TX) and both my OTTBs came running to see what I was doing and came with me as I walked around the pastures. The 4-yr old lap dog OTTB was positive the bucket had something edible (NOT!) and in my face and hands (literally) while my 10-yr old was afraid of the white bucket. So we had a grand time killing fire ants together. Bounce at a bit of a distance with Banjo in my face the whole time. That makes my day.

[Scribbler]

@aohunter0629

Are you “good enough” for the equestrian world?

I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time (actually for over 2.5 years), so I apologize in advance for the length of this post and I also realize it could be controversial, but I write it in a hope to provoke thought. In the past couple of years (after coming back to this sport in 2019) I have to be honest that I’ve asked myself this question probably 500 times.

As a child, I always loved horses and my parents certainly did what they could to help my sister and I fulfill our dream of having a horse. I so fondly remember spending Saturdays at the barn getting my horse bathed and ready for the Sunday horse shows. I remember getting my tack trunk packed for longer shows (which a week was a long show ), I remember planning with my barn mates the costumes we would wear for tandems and jumper teams, truly it was a glorious time of life! I remember our evening group lessons under the lights with our friends, I remember going “off course” because we were chatting when we should’ve been paying attention, I remember riding bareback and painting my horses feet with twinkle toes. Truly it was the best childhood a kid could ask for.

For me, horses were a bit of an escape from what was going on at home. They would always listen and they never told anyone any secrets I would tell them. I was lucky enough to spend my teenage years with some very special trainers and people. The people who truly taught me how to really ride and I think they know who they are . Those very people are the reason I have the ability to have my own farm and horses, and have green and young horses. They were honest, supportive, and truly what you look for in a coach.

I never ever questioned whether I was good enough for this equestrian world until about 2.5 years ago after we bought our farm. Moving East definitely changed an element to what I knew as this sport, however, I won’t say it’s just that because you only know what is around you at a given time for the most part, and I’ve heard a lot of the same from friends on both coasts. I think truly Covid changed a lot and not for the better in this world. But I can tell you the equestrian world today in my personal experience is nothing like what I grew up in and described above.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on what it is that is so different. Why would I even begin to question whether I’m good enough for this? My husband and I try to be as generous as we can always be: we prioritize taking care of people who work for us whether in our business or at the farm, we try to always take care of all of the people around the horses (trainers, their staff, etc), and we truly give as much as we really honestly can. As I started to reflect I realized that it wasn’t me that was truly not good enough but it was an undercurrent throughout the industry: nothing and no one is ever “good enough” for the long-term. No matter how much money you spend on horses, how much you try to reward, show appreciation for, or help, tip, thank etc the people around you, or how many horse shows you attend, spending hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on this as a hobby, it’s just simply “never enough”. It dawned on me earlier this year when I looked around at people at the shows that I didn’t know one person around that I would consider truly “happy” or fulfilled! I can probably count on one hand the amount I know that are happy in this sport at this point😬. So while I could easily show and campaign, buy more horses and spend our life on the road from show to show, I’ve decided to take a different path for myself and my horses. And I’m lucky enough to have my own farm so I can do that.

I can’t say I’ve personally ever felt the way in life I have felt in this sport in the past several years. In so many respects it’s been a mental, physical, and emotional drain on both my horses and myself. And I find it extremely sad, but I also know I’m surely not alone in this. So many top riders of the past that I’m still friends with (people who truly can ride circles around most amateurs or juniors we see today) feel the same, and they don’t really miss the showing at all! Instead they’ve made their life about saving some of the great horses that have done so much for so many people and riders. My hope is that in time there will be change, change for horses to be treated better, for a level playing field without undetectable drugging of the hunters, without these animals seeing a lunge line for hours, for a reset to understand we are all just doing our very best, including the horses.

The amount of suicide in this sport in the past couple of years is staggering and frightening, another was just lost last week . My hope for everyone in this is that you find compassion for others, you remember why we fell in love with this sport and even more with the horses as little girls and boys, and just remember people are just trying to do their best and just be “enough”. Stop the witch hunting (the attack of Karl this week makes all of this even more evident to me). Stop expecting more from everything and everyone (your clients, your trainers, your horses). The sport needs change and reform, but that takes people stepping back, truly looking around, and demanding it. Not being ok with poor treatment of people and horses and turning a blind eye for a ribbon or self admiration at the costs of the animals and others mental and physical well-being.

Going professional can suck the life out of any hobby. Even going super serious ammie.

Your equestrian world is what you make it.

If you want to play in the A shows with the daughters of billionaire celebrities, it’s going to be a tough ride even if you are one of those daughters!!!

But no one says horses have to be high end hunter jumper competition.

What did you love about horses as a child? How can you recreate that outside competition? You just have to let go of the urge to compete and get validation from that.

There was enough bad stuff in the old days. It’s just that as a kid your trainers shielded you from it.

You won’t find the horse people outside the tiny box of h/j until you get outside it

[APirateLooksAtForty]

I haven’t read all the responses, but I have to tell you I lead a similar life as you and I have been feeling the exact same way. 4 horses on the A Circuit? Trainer says that’s not enough. Brand new custom jump as barn gift for Xmas? Not even a thank you. Tipped the groom $1000 for Christmas? The gossip at the barn is that you are cheap. I’m not even touching on the in fighting and constant one-up-man ship. I agree with you 100% and in recent years have made actual plans to slow down and change my focus in the coming years. I need away from it.

[Demerara_Stables]

@APirateLooksAtForty

I haven’t read all the responses, but I have to tell you I lead a similar life as you and I have been feeling the exact same way. 4 horses on the A Circuit? Trainer says that’s not enough. Brand new custom jump as barn gift for Xmas? Not even a thank you. Tipped the groom $1000 for Christmas? The gossip at the barn is that you are cheap. I’m not even touching on the in fighting and constant one-up-man ship. I agree with you 100% and in recent years have made actual plans to slow down and change my focus in the coming years. I need away from it.

Wow this is incredibly sad to read. I’m sorry that your barn culture is like this, and I’m glad to hear you’re making changes. I hope you can find a kinder environment to enjoy your horses.

[Laurierace]

I am absolutely good enough to be in the equestrian world. I have spent my entire life educating myself and trying to learn to do even better by the horses in my care. My horses never want for anything and I always have their best interest in mind when making any decisions.
I also surround myself with kind people who like to support each other. I consider myself to be incredibly fortunate to make a living for decades working with horses and now in retirement am enjoying my homebred in the Florida sunshine. Doesn’t get any better than that

[Scribbler]

Something about horses does tend to bring out the inner 13 year old in all of us, both the good and the bad. Good is doting on horses, bad is free floating life sucking envy and social anxiety.

The only way to navigate a highly competitive activity as an adult is to make it all be about personal goals.

You need to have a ten year, a five year, and a one year goal that build on each other.

Given say hunter showing. What’s the year end goal? Do you want to qualify points for something? Do you want better ribbons? Do you want to move up in height? Do you want to move up in quality/ ratings of show? Do you want to move up a young horse in height, placings, ratings?

Then you need to think what you personally and your horse need to meet that goal.

For instance if you move young Mr Lanky Goober up from 2 foot 6 to 2 foot 9 and he is absolutely wonderful in the arena, that’s a win for you even if Susie Petunia whose father is a household name buys a $500,000 schoolmaster to sweep up all the first place ribbons.

If your goal is doing the same height at a more competitive show, or a higher height on your usual circuit, your accomplishments are not nullified because someone else in the next arena is jumping higher or has a nicer saddle.

The question of whether you are “good enough” can only be answered by whether you can set and achieve reasonable goals that constitute progress in your discipline.

However the only people that care about your goals are you and your coach. No strangers at a show care about you. First, they are way down deep in their own performance anxiety or focus. Second, you are their competition. Don’t look to them for validation!

If you want support, you need to cultivate your own team, and indeed that might be harder with your own barn. Effective coaches in boarding barns sometimes work hard to create a barn team spirit (may be real, may be fake) that looks seductive from the outside (that’s how they get clients) but may turn out to be all smoke, mirrors and Instagram from the inside.

Also junior programs do more crowd management and cheerleading than adult programs.

Anyhow, the way adults survive competition is to really make it about personal goals in a way that you can control. Someone else is always going to be a better rider, have a better horse, and have deeper pockets. Or just better luck. If you get bent out of shape about that, you end up canceling our your valid feelings of achievement for what you actually accomplished.

[atr]

This is a nonsensical existence that needs escaping from. I hope you can leave it behind (and take your custom jumping with you!)