Are you “good enough” for the equestrian world?

[paw]

Of course you’re good enough. Perhaps it’s the h/j insustry that’s broken.

I’ve never had a farm (too much work), but thought I was ready to (and did!) spend 6 figures showing on the A circuit. Turns out that my “derby” horse wasn’t quite as push button as he had seemed, and my (then) trainer completely blew his mind and body. Rehabbed him a year, and then took him to a BNT barn (because of course he’d be fabulous for the BNT). More setbacks, and more rehab.

Brought him back to where we’d started, and eventually moved my other Circuit horse there (too hard to deal with horses in two places). Have spent the last 7 years getting back to “fun”. Which has meant retraining both my horses (derby horse wound up needing another 2 years of rehab to be sound) and myself.

But now every day is good, and forward progress. I am the only one who rides my guys, and that means I know them. I have rediscovered the sheer joy of working with another being who is (often) differently motivated, but willing to listen.

I haven’t shown in years, and my pocket book thanks me. My horses see the vet for vaccination and dental, but haven’t had a (non-medically necessary) injection in years, and are moving better than ever.

Until changes are made at the USEF, the only fees I intend to pay to them are for my Century Medal - I am done with the rat race and skeevy tactics.

Maybe you need to find a new crowd. The current USEF mob seems dominated by folks whose best interest is getting people to pay to bring horses to week-long shows so that they can be awarded scraps of polyester. They only give lip service to caring about the horses when the press gets bad.

[Bluey]

Look, there is always much that can be made better, of course there is.
There are all kinds of ways to enjoy horses, some fit one set of humans and horses, others a different one.

Who is to say the way others live and what they do and how they do it is better than what we choose to do?

We can if we look carefully enough find faults everywhere, but also need to remember that just because we don’t like something is inherently wrong?

Many work with show horses and the participants in that part of the horse industry and it is what it is, has it’s own rules and yes, rule breakers, no different than any other we may do.
There is plenty we can find fault with those that just have a horse in their backyard sitting there also, along the many that take good care of their horses.

If we want to be philosophical, in reality, any we do with horses today is a bit senseless and not exactly what a horse may choose to do if we listen.
Just because they accommodate us and are game to work at what we choose and live where we put them, well, horse people understand that we can’t make omelettes without breaking some ethical eggs and live with that.

I think that in the end, we can look for what is wrong and there is plenty out there and sort what is abuse and just something that doesn’t fit what we would do, but others should be free to pursue their goals, antagonistic those may be to ours.
We need to consider how others feel when we run down what they choose to do, how we feel when others do it.

[APirateLooksAtForty]

The chip on your shoulder I’m detecting is exactly part of the problem. It’s unwarranted nastiness, it’s have vs have not, and it’s tiring. It may seem simple to you to just remove yourself but when you have built your life around the sport at this level, it is not so simple.

[FjordBCRF]

@APirateLooksAtForty

The chip on your shoulder I’m inferring from your post is exactly part of the problem. It’s unwarranted nastiness, it’s have vs have not, and it’s tiring. It may seem simple to you to just remove yourself but when you have built your life around the sport at this level, it is not so simple.

I didn’t read @atr post as anything coming close to them having a chip on their shoulder or being nasty.

We humans like to overcomplicate things. If you are unhappy in whatever situation, then it’s time for some soul searching about why you’re not happy and start some steps to make some changes. If you KNOW why you’re not happy, and you feel paralyzed to take the next step to get out of your unhappy situation because of social pressures…maybe the soul searching isn’t enough and something like therapy could be helpful (and I mean that sincerely).

For most people, especially the “have nots” as you describe, money is usually the biggest complicating factor for any decision. It sounds like you have a different stack of cards. If you care that much about what people think about you so much so that you are paralyzed to leave your situation…that’s a you problem you need to figure out.

If someone acts so ungrateful as you described in your post, it doesn’t matter if it’s a $1000 gift card or a $100 one. You have just seen who they are and if you choose to continue on with those types of people, you know what you’re signing up for.

[Djones]

@atr doesn’t have a chip on her shoulder. She’s aghasted at the situation that @APirateLooksAtForty finds herself in hopes she sees her way clear to get the hell out of it.

[APirateLooksAtForty]

I made it clear in first post I am taking steps to remove myself.

[FjordBCRF]

@Djones

@atr doesn’t have a chip on her shoulder. She’s aghasted at the situation that @APirateLooksAtForty finds herself in hopes she sees her way clear to get the hell out of it.

Agreed. That’s why I posted what I did above.

[SharonA1]

OP, I think you have heard a number of perspectives, but I am curious as to why none of them seem to resonate with you. I wonder if there was something different you were hoping to hear? I might offer the idea that, since you do have the resources to protect you from some of the anxiety and disappointment of the horse world, you give yourself a chance to think about why whatever you do have, isn’t enough for you.

One route to happiness is to be able to say that your own narrative, whatever it is, is more important than anyone else’s narrative. No one else’s opinion or gossip matters that much, because you are quite happy with your own narrative. You have heard from a number of people here who don’t care about others’ narrative, and are happy. Is that something you’re hoping to find, or, something else?

One other thing, without getting too psychotherapy-ish, is that we are all kind of hard-wired to feel better emotionally when we are accomplishing something that takes alittle effort. I am not saying your life is totally easy, because obviously it’s not all roses. But, are you getting a sense of accomplishment/affirmation for tangible, concrete, hands-on, perferably physical tasks or activities that you routinely complete, elsewhere in life? Sometimes, that can give us enough groundedness or scaffolding to cope with the horse scene more comfortably.

[NancyM]

Well… I guess I’ve always considered myself more than “good enough” for the equestrian world. I’ve taken lots of lessons and clinics, from all sorts of coaches in the last 60 years. But I’ve never BELONGED to any of them. I’ve always kept my horses at home, and trained, ridden and competed them myself… win, lose, or draw. Green ones, competitive ones. I’ve learned all sorts of things, from all sorts of people and a number of different horses … both things I want to emulate, and things that I will avoid at all costs. My facilities have never been fancy, but my horses sometimes are. I’m not the best rider ever, but adequate I guess, and I usually have a good relationship with my horses. I’m not a “follower of fashion”, and tend not to notice if others are.
My horses cover for me if I make a mistake on course. I’ve competed in both h/j and racing worlds. I’ve seen lots of human and equine disasters in both. And try my best to avoid that sort of thing myself.
I see others who participate in equine sports differently than I do. Those who become a “client” for a “professional”. Obviously, sometimes this works out well, at least for a while. But either you become a horseman yourself, or remain a client forever… dependent on someone who you hope “looks after you”. But sometimes it doesn’t work out that way, does it? Sometimes people who promote themselves as “professionals” can be manipulative, or immoral. Or crooks.
All I can say is “trust no one” exclusively. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. Be vigilant. Use the services of someone who puts themselves out there as “a professional” as you wish. But watch them closely, and trust no one fully. Because humans are not trustworthy like horses are.
I dunno if this is what your post was about… but that’s what I got out of it.

[atr]

Oh good lord, no! I was trying to express sympathy. I have no chips. Im sorry that I failed so totally to do so.

I can totally empathize with how easily one ends up in this situation and how hard and sad it is to extricate oneself from the lifestyle and one’s friends and life core.

[Angela_Freda]

Follow Denny Emerson, Tamarack Hill page
He speaks to the never ending pursuit of our better selves.

[2bayboys]

Great post. I live this way too.

[skydy]

@aohunter0629 I think many of us have had similar childhoods with horses. I never boarded, but had a pony and then horses at home. I was so thrilled with just having my own!

I did barn work for some very good horsewomen an in turn was given lessons and allowed to show their sale horses (that were aimed at juniors/ammys.) It was so fun and rewarding just to be around horses. If there was any conflict or horse abuse, I never saw it. I had a very happy childhood with horses.

As an adult I worked for a H/J barn and the feeling was completely different. There was a strangely cold atmosphere at shows. It was unpleasant and the unhappy vibes were palpable. I didn’t delve into the whys and wherefores of the negative vibes, but I surely felt them.

I had much more fun riding, training and hacking my own horses at home.

I hope you can find some nice H/J people that share your outlook and if not, step back, look around, and find what makes you happy.

[albytb]

@skydy

As an adult I worked for a H/J barn and the feeling was completely different. There was a strangely cold atmosphere at shows. It was unpleasant and the unhappy vibes were palpable. I didn’t delve into the whys and wherefores of the negative vibes, but I surely felt them.

It’s so bizarre to me how miserable the atmosphere is at H/J A shows. No one seems very happy to be there—trainers, riders, and especially the horses. It really is hard to stomach that the majority of these animals ARE miserable, and people are too in denial or simply don’t care enough to change. It’s very hard to stomach at times.

I am good enough bc all I care about is doing right by my horse. Everything else—my riding goals, show goals, etc, is secondary. And I’m so proud of myself for truly living by those principles and refusing to compromise on them.

[Madison]

@albytb

It’s so bizarre to me how miserable the atmosphere is at H/J A shows. No one seems very happy to be there—trainers, riders, and especially the horses. It really is hard to stomach that the majority of these animals ARE miserable, and people are too in denial or simply don’t care enough to change. It’s very hard to stomach at times.

I am good enough bc all I care about is doing right by my horse. Everything else—my riding goals, show goals, etc, is secondary. And I’m so proud of myself for truly living by those principles and refusing to compromise on them.

That is sad, and not my experience at the A shows at all (though that’s not to say I am not aware that is out there too). I was previously at a barn where the training program wasn’t meeting my needs, but the horses were well cared for and the people were happy and supportive of each other and had a good time. I stayed longer than I should have because of that. I moved on to a program where the training is great, the care is fantastic, the trainer is putting in good rounds at derby finals and green incentive finals but also happens to be a great teacher, and many of the clients are competing at much higher levels than my current 2’6 low adults. But guess what? Every single one is having a great time, our horses are happy, people show up to support each other. Our whole group of AO riders was there ringside early in the mornings to support me in the 2’6, we were all there for the pony kid, etc . . . so the happy tribes on the A circuit do exist, but you have to find the right tribe. On non-showing weeks everyone is out hacking their horses in the field, taking lessons, etc . . . to have fun and practice. The common bond is that everyone wants to get better, it’s not just about the ribbon, it is more about loving to ride the horse you have and making it about your own journey. That really takes any “good enough” out of the equation - that thought never crosses my mind! I’m not the best, I’m not the worst, and I’m having a great time, and plenty of people out there are the same way, so if your current situation isn’t providing that feeling, change something, it doesn’t have to be that way!

[albytb]

I’m curious (and not trying to be antagonistic genuinely)—how much turnout did these horses receive at home? How much were they lunged at shows? Schooled? Did they have tight nosebands? Ill fitting saddles? Bits with harsh mouthpieces?

Of course, no one is perfect. And I don’t like to be so negative and nitpick. But there are so many barns where people say similar things to what you did, but when you look at the finer details there are indications of miserable animals. People just don’t want to see it, or accept it. Maybe they can’t see it when the horse is stoic and still performs well. They love their horses, but they don’t understand them.

And btw I’m not saying it’s wrong to show, it’s just the vast majority of horses I see going around at shows will check at least a few boxes that indicate that the welfare is inadequate.

[Madison]

@albytb

I’m curious (and not trying to be antagonistic genuinely)—how much turnout did these horses receive at home? How much were they lunged at shows? Schooled? Did they have tight nosebands? Ill fitting saddles? Bits with harsh mouthpieces?

Of course, no one is perfect. And I don’t like to be so negative and nitpick. But there are so many barns where people say similar things to what you did, but when you look at the finer details there are indications of miserable animals. People just don’t want to see it, or accept it. Maybe they can’t see it when the horse is stoic and still performs well. They love their horses, but they don’t understand them.

And btw I’m not saying it’s wrong to show, it’s just the vast majority of horses I see going around at shows will check at least a few boxes that indicate that the welfare is inadequate.

I don’t know why you would think you generally know better or are more informed than someone’s firsthand experience - it may be the case in some situations, even some you have observed, but it certainly not fair to assume all or to project that across the board! My horse doesn’t get longed, gets daily turnout, doesn’t need a schooling division or class at the show so he’s left at the farm all week for turnout and ships in for the weekend, had a custom saddle made to fit (which gets rechecked periodically), and shows in a snaffle. All the horses at our farm regularly hack in the derby field to give them a break from arena work, and get plenty of turnout. Daily regular turnout is the norm in both my prior program and my current program. You clearly come to the table with preconceived notions, but I know and see plenty that are far more like my situation than what you want to project across the board.

[albytb]

Sorry, I more meant a general “you”. Obviously I can’t speak to what specifically occurs at your barn since I don’t know and haven’t seen it.

The reason I speak so generally is because my job takes me into different H/J barns nearly every day and a lot of what I see disheartens me. I often work at shows too and spend hours ringside. Maybe it is different in my area but trust me that I speak from more than a small data sample or preconceived notions.

[Warmblood1]

I think everyone has already said it but OP, I think you need to broaden your horizons. I, too, would be miserable in the high level h/j environment. May I suggest a fox hunting group - they have great taste in liquor and wine and it’s even custom to bring it along on rides. They can hold great conversations as they are from a diverse array of backgrounds. They like to throw parties and dress up for balls. They love a good gallop and a thrill, and they even love it when you are the first to fall off. They go so far as to call you a king or queen for doing so.

And to make this post meaningful, if you want to discuss suicide in the horse world, let talk about traumatic brain injuries. TBIs can cause emotional deregulation, depression, suicidal ideations, amongst a host of other issues. I truly believe TBIs to be massively under diagnosed amongst equestrians. I gained this perspective after being diagnosed myself with TBI having been misdiagnosed for decades for the issues related to my TBI.

[GraceLikeRain]

The equestrian world is broken. The world is broken. All around us are broken people doing their best to try and find meaning, happiness, and purpose. One in three people report that they are not emotionally well and that’s true from boomers down to our littles. Life is tough.

It sounds like what once brought you joy no longer does. It is a gift, although a painful one, to realize you need a new path in life.

Welcome to COTH. There’s a lot of wisdom here.