Barn Owner is a bully

[Chestnut_Mare1]

Have any of you been bullied as an adult by an adult? I’ve never had to deal with this before and it is truly awful!

Barn owner bullies boarders. Seems to pick on one or two people at a time. Nasty comments to intimidate, tells people to put down their sound horses because they are lame, talks to vets about horses behind the owners’ backs etc. This person is extremely intimidated by other trainers and puts everyone down every chance they get. There appears to be either a bi-polar or addiction problem based on erratic behavior - that is not my business I know, but one naturally tries to find a reason or excuse for the behavior.

I’m obviously leaving the situation as well as several others but I’m wondering how common this is in the horse world. I also have children who ride and I want to protect them from this garbage! I wish we could report these bullies to someone or be able to warn others to avoid them.

[Scribbler]

@Chestnut_Mare

Have any of you been bullied as an adult by an adult? I’ve never had to deal with this before and it is truly awful!

Barn owner bullies boarders. Seems to pick on one or two people at a time. Nasty comments to intimidate, tells people to put down their sound horses because they are lame, talks to vets about horses behind the owners’ backs etc. This person is extremely intimidated by other trainers and puts everyone down every chance they get. There appears to be either a bi-polar or addiction problem based on erratic behavior - that is not my business I know, but one naturally tries to find a reason or excuse for the behavior.

I’m obviously leaving the situation as well as several others but I’m wondering how common this is in the horse world. I also have children who ride and I want to protect them from this garbage! I wish we could report these bullies to someone or be able to warn others to avoid them.

Because the horse world is unregulated there is no one to whom to report this. You can only vote with your feet ( and hooves).

You can see if there is a Facebook group locally for bad boarders and bad barn managers.

It’s often true that these kinds of behaviour get worse with increasing substance abuse, a TBI, or a cycling or increasing mental health problem.

Adult boarders are free to leave any situation that becomes unpleasant. However it is also true that this kind of person tends to select targets based on vulnerability and may treat other boarders all right at least for now.

Hopefully children have a reasonably attentive parent to monitor barn dynamics.

All you can do is move. What other adults choose to do is not your problem.

[Bearx2]

Hugs to you and good for you leaving what sounds like a toxic situation. I have encountered people like this in all parts of my like and my experience is you either confront them and call them on their behavior or ignore the behavior.

I have gotten to the point in my life that I am not afraid of walking up to someone and telling them that I don’t like their behavior and that it needs to stop and often times that works. If you don’t feel like you can do that or don’t want the bother on the way out I would just consider the source and ignore them till you leave if possible.

[NoSuchPerson]

@Chestnut_Mare

I’m obviously leaving the situation as well as several others but I’m wondering how common this is in the horse world.

It’s as common in the horse world as it is in any kind of environment where people with that inclination can safely get away with it. Bullies are everywhere.

[Chestnut_Mare1]

Maybe small towns with fewer options for horse board makes it possible for this kind of thing to carry on.

[Scribbler]

@Chestnut_Mare

Maybe small towns with fewer options for horse board makes it possible for this kind of thing to carry on.

I have had adults in the horse world be incredibly rude to me, but I’ve just never named that as bullying because to me that is language from the school yard. I am however able to put a stop to it one way or another.

I’m assuming in this situation you are being targeted? I expect that this BM does not treat everyone like this at least not at the same time and the others figure she won’t turn on them.

I remember from past threads you were making changes in barns and trainers. How long have you been at this barn? You had at one point a BM/ coach that that seemed nice and supportive but wasn’t able to support your goals of showing, then you were disappointed in the quality of riding at a show barn?? Can’t remember where you ended up.

[Chestnut_Mare1]

@Scribbler

I have had adults in the horse world be incredibly rude to me, but I’ve just never named that as bullying because to me that is language from the school yard. I am however able to put a stop to it one way or another.

I’m assuming in this situation you are being targeted? I expect that this BM does not treat everyone like this at least not at the same time and the others figure she won’t turn on them.

I remember from past threads you were making changes in barns and trainers. How long have you been at this barn? You had at one point a BM/ coach that that seemed nice and supportive but wasn’t able to support your goals of showing, then you were disappointed in the quality of riding at a show barn?? Can’t remember where you ended up.

Maybe my standards are too high Scribbler : )

Been at this one a couple of years and the horse care is good. I’ve paid my board on time, raked the round pen after each lunge and kept quiet when I wanted to step in when someone was being screamed at.

The BO probably doesn’t know how we feel because none of us have the courage to speak up. I would rather move on than try and fix something that’s not mine to fix.

[Scribbler]

@Chestnut_Mare

Maybe my standards are too high Scribbler : )

Been at this one a couple of years and the horse care is good. I’ve paid my board on time, raked the round pen after each lunge and kept quiet when I wanted to step in when someone was being screamed at.

The BO probably doesn’t know how we feel because none of us have the courage to speak up. I would rather move on than try and fix something that’s not mine to fix.

Ok, so it’s been obvious there’s big problems with the barn owner for a while.

Does the barn owner just blow up randomly at individual people or do they target and isolate individuals and then try to get everyone to gang up on the person?

The latter is what I’d call bullying. Random blowing up isn’t bullying but that doesn’t make it any better. It’s not like bullying is the only bad thing people can do. Random bursts of rage are also very bad.

What do people who are targets of these bursts of rage do? Shout back, shrug it off, bitch behind her back, or leave?

Anyhow if it’s gotten too much for you then move.
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[Obsidian_Fire]

@Chestnut_Mare

Maybe small towns with fewer options for horse board makes it possible for this kind of thing to carry on.

This is 1000% true. Unfortunately. BTDT and finding a way out is really tough.

[RedHorses]

@Chestnut_Mare

… kept quiet when I wanted to step in when someone was being screamed at.

The BO probably doesn’t know how we feel because none of us have the courage to speak up. I would rather move on than try and fix something that’s not mine to fix.

That’s how she gets away with it. She gets boarders who don’t have the whatever-you-want-to-call-it to stand up and call out her poor behavior.

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[16_Hands]

BO sounds like my last boss. Everyone that worked with her called her a bully. She did the exact same things as what this BO is doing. Fortunately, I got reassigned and, eventually, she got moved to a different office.

[WildLittleWren]

I am glad to hear you are getting out of the situation. It never does get better, this person has shown their true colors and I certainly wouldn’t want to spend what is supposed to be my “me” time, my relaxing time, at a barn like this. I think this type of behavior is common in every aspect of life, including the workplace and every other facet. I have learned just to distance myself from the person, and in this case, I would move like you have said you have planned. Sooner rather than later!

[Scribbler]

A boarder has very little recourse against a bad barn owner except to move sooner rather than later just like many employees have little recourse against a bad boss.

In my barn we have a few problem personalities. The one adult who is known to bully those she can is an interesting case. She is very know it all, very negative, and very loud. However at any given time she always seems to have a few people around who are bonding with her by creating a little culture of complaint and supporting each other in whinging and snickering at others. Of course what happens is eventually she turns on one or another of her “friends” and starts complaining about them to the others.
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Then the one on the outs goes around complaining about her to everyone that will listen. Since I don’t interact with Miss Prickles the core problem person honestly I find it rather funny to watch this cycle round.

But the thing is, the people who cycle round like this are getting a lot of needs met by her. They are all complainers at heart and they have bonded over complaining and become more so. I understand how that happens but I decided decades and decades ago not to be like that, which was a very healthy decision. Anyhow they love feeling like a closedi little group that knows better than everyone else and they enjoy backbiting everyone outside it. And they enjoy thinking that they can get along with Miss Prickles, because they can roll with the punches.

Then she turns on them and they come to complain to me and I have to say well, are you surprised?

My point is that the other boarders in OPs situation may well be getting some needs met by participating in this culture of negativity and that it is only when the wind shifts and they become the target that they are upset.

[gottagrey]

@16 Hands

BO sounds like my last boss. Everyone that worked with her called her a bully. She did the exact same things as what this BO is doing. Fortunately, I got reassigned and, eventually, she got moved to a different office.

There are some people out there that for whatever reason are bullies. Like 16 Hands, I used to have an office manager who would just take a disliking to someone and make their life miserable. Its ridiculous. Glad the OP is leaving as there is nothing to be gained by being in an environment like that. I know sometimes there are issues people are dealing with that make them behave a certain way - that’s a reason but not an excuse for their poor behavior.

[Haylter]

the world is not all candy apples every one of us is going to be bit by a bad apple at some point…just turn your head spit it into a napkin and walk away.

[Caol_Ila]

I don’t think I would refer to it as ‘bullying’ but my ex-barn owner most assuredly played favourites with boarders, and if you weren’t on the favourites list, you knew about it. Examples include willingly bringing in Boarder A’s horse early, because it got laminitis, but when Boarder B’s horse got laminitis, she had to hustle to take an hour off work in the middle of the day to bring in it. Boarder A was retired while Boarder B was an occupational therapist, working for the NHS. Once, he shouted at me for stabling my horse overnight at a clinic, but when another boarder went to a two-day show, he was pleasant and normal about it. He liked repeatedly telling my friend that I ‘rode my horse too much for her age.’

He took the biscuit (well, he had a whole biscuit tin)) when he reported to my friend last spring that my horse wasn’t finishing her hay overnight, and he believed it corresponded to whether or not I schooled her in the arena on any given day. The horse, as far as I could see, was looking well and acting well in herself and schooling rather nicely to boot. I went ballistic. Why the f*ck was he conveying his concerns about my horse to someone who wasn’t her owner? And why (and how) was he keeping track of what I’m doing with her? Frequently, he wasn’t even on the property while I was riding. Was he psychic? My friend defended him, saying, “He said it’s because you don’t listen to him, and you would take it better coming fro me.” Um, still not cool. I spoke to the vet anyway, who had seen the horse the week before to do teeth and shots, and he said the spring grass was coming through early and he wouldn’t worry unless horse was losing condition and presenting other symptoms of being NQR, which she wasn’t, and he rolled his eyes in a knowing way when I reported the issue as double hearsay, coming from BO and then friend. Vet not inclined to make diagnoses from double hearsay, when horse in his eyes and her owner’s eyes appears in awesome shape, which made the whole fakakta thing weird and pointless.

[stb]

I don’t get bullied. I don’t allow it. I am very easy to get along with but I don’t put up with that kind of thing. I shut down those types of comments really quickly and quite strongly. It usually doesn’t take more than once, so I suspect I get my point across.

I understand you are in a bad position here with the bully being your barn owner and your limited boarding options. In that position you may well have to move if you feel that standing up for yourself could cause repercussions for your horse.

[miminorthwest]

Yeah. The first place I brought my filly to, it got a bit out of hand. BO was very knowledgeable, but seemed to pick on me, and it was all very inconsistent. The day she yelled at me that my horse was a bitch, I made the decision to find another barn. We were out by the beginning of the next month.

I come across as quiet and polite, to people who don’t know me and I’ve been an easy target at barns. but the reality is I’m a no-BS direct pitbull in my professional life. Once someone starts bullying or whatever, I just ignore/walk. If I’m feeling generous with my energy, then they get a mouthful of what I really think.

These barn bullies don’t seem to get it: we come to spend time with our horses, not hear their unwarranted “advice”, opinions, thoughts, or judgements. As adults, I think it’s totally fair to say to call out another adult.

[Bearx2]

@Caol Ila

I don’t think I would refer to it as ‘bullying’ but my ex-barn owner most assuredly played favourites with boarders, and if you weren’t on the favourites list, you knew about it. Examples include willingly bringing in Boarder A’s horse early, because it got laminitis, but when Boarder B’s horse got laminitis, she had to hustle to take an hour off work in the middle of the day to bring in it. Boarder A was retired while Boarder B was an occupational therapist, working for the NHS. Once, he shouted at me for stabling my horse overnight at a clinic, but when another boarder went to a two-day show, he was pleasant and normal about it. He liked repeatedly telling my friend that I ‘rode my horse too much for her age.’

He took the biscuit (well, he had a whole biscuit tin)) when he reported to my friend last spring that my horse wasn’t finishing her hay overnight, and he believed it corresponded to whether or not I schooled her in the arena on any given day. The horse, as far as I could see, was looking well and acting well in herself and schooling rather nicely to boot. I went ballistic. Why the f*ck was he conveying his concerns about my horse to someone who wasn’t her owner? And why (and how) was he keeping track of what I’m doing with her? Frequently, he wasn’t even on the property while I was riding. Was he psychic? My friend defended him, saying, “He said it’s because you don’t listen to him, and you would take it better coming fro me.” Um, still not cool. I spoke to the vet anyway, who had seen the horse the week before to do teeth and shots, and he said the spring grass was coming through early and he wouldn’t worry unless horse was losing condition and presenting other symptoms of being NQR, which she wasn’t, and he rolled his eyes in a knowing way when I reported the issue as double hearsay, coming from BO and then friend. Vet not inclined to make diagnoses from double hearsay, when horse in his eyes and her owner’s eyes appears in awesome shape, which made the whole fakakta thing weird and pointless.

I tell people all the time to stop and think very carefully when they what to repeat something someone has said about me. I tend to confront people who talk about me behind my back and I am not afraid of naming the person who told me. I find that 8/ 10 times it was not something that I really needed to know/ wasn’t true. The other two times I either knew about the issue/ had already addressed it with the person. Sometimes the person who is passing on the information thinks they are doing you a favor when often all they are doing is adding to the drama . Often the best thing to say to the barn owner is I think you should take it up with the horses owner so there is no confusion.

[Caol_Ila]

I dealt with it by approaching BO and saying, “I spoke to vet, and vet said XYZ. I will be following my vet’s advice (which wasn’t reducing the amount of time I was riding).” End of discussion. Which I suppose proved his hypothethesis that “I don’t listen to him.”

My friend justified her position – and the BO’s – by arguing, “He’s just looking out for your horse’s welfare.” I called bullshit, because I was hustling like mad to manage my horse’s fencewalking stereotypie, and BO was either doing nothing or sniping at me from the sidelines. The horse could pace herself into a ragged mess and drop weight so she looked like an RSPCA case, but BO’s approach was to leave her to it, believing that she would ‘learn’ that it didn’t get her anything. That’s not how stereotypies work, and that is a welfare issue.

I don’t believe confronting this guy about his ‘bullying’ behaviour would have changed it, nor done my horse much good. As per my first post in this thread, if he took a dislike to a horse’s owner, he would quietly make their lives a little more difficult, like the OT who’s horse got laminitis and found the BO thoroughly unhelpful with regards to managing the condition, while he had only been too helpful when a more highly-regarded livery’s horse was in the same boat.

In this situation, the only real power liveries/boarders have is staying or leaving. Voting with your feet.

Many years ago, my horse was at a place just for a summer while I had an internship nearby, and the BO pretty much intimidated boarders, vets, and everyone else into doing her bidding. When I was visiting my folks out of state for two weeks, the BO had the vet draw blood for an EPM test on my horse and only told me about this after the fact, when I phoned up to ask how my horse was.

“Oh, we just had her tested for EPM.”

What? Why?

Because the BO had been riding her while I was away, and she noticed my horse was slightly stiff on one side.

“But aren’t all horses? Isn’t that like testing me for MS because I can’t write with my left hand?” I asked.

“More horses have EPM than are ever diagnosed,” she answered.

Right. Well, the horse tested negative, I was one hundred bucks poorer, and when I had a go at the vet for taking blood from my horse without any permission, knowledge, nor acknowledgement from me, she said, “Well, that’s something you have to take up with [BO]. You know what she’s like.”