Barn Staff Making Me Uncomfortable - Seeking Advice

[sapphiremoon]

Hello! First-time poster here just needing to get something off my chest. I don’t know if I’m overreacting due to my anxiety or if my concern is valid, so I’m looking to see if anyone has dealt with a similar situation.

I am a young adult amateur and have been at my current H/J barn for several years now. I love this barn but unfortunately one of the workers has recently started to make me feel a little uneasy. This worker (who I would guess is in his 50s) started there about a year ago. At first he was very quiet and didn’t interact with me at all. Then eventually he started casually making small talk with me. No problem, he seemed friendly. After a few of these casual conversations, he would come up to me and shake my hand when he saw me. Again, no problem, I assumed he was just trying to be friendly.

I started to feel uneasy when I was at the barn alone one time and he came up to me to shake my hand. Except this time when I tried to pull my hand away he just held on tighter and sort of stared at me…? After a few seconds he let go but I thought it was a little strange. He has done this a few more times but only when there is no one else around. He will squeeze my hand, stare at me, say something under his breath and then eventually go back to working.

I know it probably seems like something minor but it really does make me uneasy. I am not a touchy-feely person at all - I usually get uncomfortable when anyone touches me so maybe it’s just a “me” problem? Recently he shook my hand and pulled me into a hug which I also thought was bizarre but again it could just be me. I am not confrontational so I don’t know how to stop him from doing that.

Am I overreacting for being weirded out? Also, has anyone else experienced something like this and how do you deal with it?

[Sarah616]

Nope, you take your concerns to the Barn Owner/Manager/whoever is in charge of this employee immediately. Friendly conversations or small talk is one thing, but anything that makes you feel uncomfortable should be addressed ASAP and taken care of.

[anon15718925]

Not had this experience but listen to your gut on this, definitely. If it seems off, there’s a reason you’re feeling that way.

What does he say under his breath or can you hear it at all?

The being pulled into a hug thing, heck no, that, to me, is a major lack of boundaries.

Can you bring this up to the barn owner/manager? At the very least I would say try to avoid being alone in the barn with this guy.

[anon15718925]

This exactly.

[Angela_Freda]

Nope, nope nopity nope.
Tell your parent(s), tell your instructor, tell whomever is the barn manager.
This is completely unacceptable. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[js]

Let the BM/BO know what is happening and it’s making you uncomfortable. Don’t engage this man in conversation and don’t shake hands with him. If he extends his hand just ignore it and go about your business. If this seems to anger him then, let someone know ASAP. Trust you gut!

[hoopoe]

Being in a barn does not absolve the employees or the owner of the business from proper business conduct. Take this out of the barn and into your office, grocery store or house of worship.

I am willing to bet you are not an isolated event in this barn

Report it directly and tell them to get their employees in line.

[SMF11]

It is super important to trust your gut! (“The Gift of Fear” is an excellent book). If you can, you might say “Let.Go. Of. My. Hand” in an even tone while staring into his eyes.But of course it depends on the circumstances.

[firecracker]

You are not overreacting. Your gut is spot on - his actions are evolving, and they could continue to evolve further. I would definitely recommend getting in touch with the barn owner/manager and let them know what is going on.

[sapphiremoon]

I did vent about this to my dad once and unfortunately he was very dismissive of it. I think that made me start to wonder if I was in the wrong for being uncomfortable. I suppose he just can’t relate/understand this sort of thing. I really want to build the courage to bring this up to the barn owner but I am having a hard time because this worker seems to be pretty well liked by many of the people there.

[anon15718925]

Bring. It. Up.

This is not okay, that your dad was dismissive means nothing, past that your dad is not a woman and does not “get” these kinds of situations.

It does not matter how “well-liked” someone is. If anything that, IMO, makes it more imperative to speak up.

[anon15718925]

And if you DO speak up and the barn owner/manager blows you off/acts dismissive, consider that you might have to leave the barn.

[anon15718925]

Yeah like, I’d probably blow him off on the handshake anyway, personally. I’m not a touchy person at all.

I can’t even remember the last time I shook hands with someone outside of maybe a literal job interview and that was pre-pandemic.

[lcw579]

You wouldn’t let a horse encroach on your space. Don’t let this man intimidate you. Take your power back. Next time he wants to shake your hand don’t give him yours. If you need to say something tell him you are well acquainted and there is no need to play his handshake game any more. You might also suggest that if he ever tries to pull you in for a hug again his groin will be meeting your knee.
I had a boss get a little touchy geeky on me once back in the day. I gave him the look you give a naughty pony while suggesting bodily harm should he overstep again. It never happened again.
I also agree you should let the BO/BM know. They definitely won’t want staff making clients feel uncomfortable. Have you asked other boarders if he’s pulled this stunt on them? It would be a good thing to know.

[sapphiremoon]

There is a language barrier so when he speaks under his breath, I can’t quite catch what he is saying. For the most part I am able to avoid being at the barn alone but it still happens once in a while.
I have considered bringing this up to the barn owner but I keep getting nervous about it. I’ve thought about bringing it up to one of the other adult riders to see if they’ve experienced anything strange with him but I don’t know if that will start gossip among the riders/boarders.

[anon15718925]

Bring it up to the barn owner. Just swallow your nerves. They’re the one(s) who have the ability to take action before this potential creep escalates it.

If there is another rider you feel comfortable bringing this up with to sound out if this is a pattern of behavior, then do it, but if you feel like it would start gossip, trust that feeling, too.

[firecracker]

I’m sorry your dad was dismissive.

Based on your descriptions of the situation, it really sounds like you are right to be concerned. I am sure I would be uncomfortable too if I was in your shoes! I know it can be scary to talk about this kind of thing, but I really do think you should bring it up. Just be honest about what is going on, and how it is making you feel.

[lcw579]

I’m so sorry your Dad didn’t take this seriously. You are probably my daughter’s age and just so you know I’d be heading to that barn loaded for bear!
You need to let the barn owner know and you need to shut this guy down. I know it’s hard. But you can do it! Take your power back from him! He is trying to make you weak. Get angry and don’t let him get away with it.
I am so angry right now.

[trubandloki]

I agree with everyone else.

If you are not comfortable talking to the barn owner Is there someone at this barn that you feel comfortable talking to this about? Your trainer? The barn manager?

Do not engage with this person. Do not shake hands. Do not let him get near you.

Are you a minor? I know you said young adult, but wanted to confirm that meant you were adult age.
If you have a good relationship with your father I think it is worth sitting down with him and telling him you need his support with this and maybe he can come with you to talk to the Barn owner.

[MsM]

Tell the BO. Stand up for your boundaries when you see him again. Difficult, I know.

Stop shaking his hand. If he puts his hand out just give him a cool nod and continue on your way. If he touches you, say loudly and firmly NO. I dont know if his English allows him to say more to you, but if you are alone, I would not reply with more than NO.