Really good advice here…I would start carrying mace, pepper spray or even a small can of hair spray. Are you able to tell him you do not wish to shake hands any longer, want no hugs, and that you demand a business relationship? (Mentioned above in a different way). And then tell him if he doesn’t respect that, you will go to his boss? Based on your responses, I’m trying to think how you would be comfortable confronting him.
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OP, here is what you can do:
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Next time this creep approaches you, do NOT engage. Do not shake his hand. Do not make small talk.
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Go to the barn owner/manager. Say, “Excuse me (name), but (staff member’s name) has been making me uncomfortable. He will try to shake my hand and won’t let go when I try to take it away and he pulled me in for a hug. I did not consent to a hug and he did not ask for my consent before hugging me. This was extremely uncomfortable. He also says something under his breath that I can’t make out while staring at me.”
If they don’t do anything, that’s on them.
(Also I was thinking as I typed the “shake my hand and not let go” that boy howdy I’m not a master of fighting or anything but I’ve taken taekwondo for a bit more than a year and I could probably twist this punk’s arm HARD if he had a hold on my hand like that and get out of the situation and haul butt to the door if I felt like I had to.)
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Anyone know whether Safe Sport would be a pathway for the OP?
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Possibly but I think it’s realllllly dependent on the situation, e.g. if the barn is USEF recognized or not.
Gimme a sec I’m doing some internet sleuthing.
FAQs on USEF website give some guidance on what falls into SafeSport’s jurisdiction:
You are not over reacting. You are not reacting enough. Young girls are often paralyzed by not wanting to offend adults and afraid to assert themselves as physical encroachment leads to abuse
You need to signal and say clearly do not touch me, and you need to report to your barn manager and trainer. Right now because you haven’t objected he will continue pushing the envelope until you are in some actual sexual assault situation
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You are not wrong. Report the behavior and how it makes you feel. Also, depending on his culture, he may not understand what he is doing is wrong or creating distress. Reporting the behavior, and having it addressed with him, may actually help him in being successful in his employment.
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About feeling paralyzed - that is exactly it! In the past whenever a man has made me uncomfortable I always shut down. I fear the consequences of retaliation if I am not friendly enough, but it has definitely caused him to think its okay to push the envelope. I wish I had done a better job standing up for myself from the start. From now on I am going to try to make it more clear to him that I don’t want to be touched. I just hate that this even happens.
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Safe sport is a little extreme since she hasn’t even said the word “no” yet. But a little story for you. I had a trainer do something similar to this to me when I was in my late teens. Trainer was always overly flirty and borderline inappropriate but I brushed it off until one night we were alone in the barn together. He was talking to me just outside the stall as I was mucking out. He had a few beers and came into the stall essentially trapping in a corner. I asked him to step back he refused, I raised the pitchfork over my shoulder and told him to get the fuck away from me right now. He promptly left and I still called his wife (she was the BO) to let her know everything. OP please speak up for yourself. Be assertive that you are not interested in anymore interaction with him and let the somebody at the farm know.
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You are not over reacting. I don’t shake hands except at work and he would have been dropped if he tried to pull me into a hug.
Your dad is not reacting enough.
Tell your BO/BM, other ladies at the barn, and I would firmly warn him the next you are around him that any personal touching will not be tolerated.
My personal advice is to find a class for basic defense.
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Good for you. I hate that it happens too. Don’t beat yourself up for the way you’ve reacted in the past, just make sure to set your boundaries and stand by them moving forward. And again, I really do think you need to say something to someone at the barn - whether it’s a close friend, trainer, the barn manager, etc. Someone needs there needs to be aware of what is going on.
You’ve got this!
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Sorry but that’s not her problem to teach others cultural norms. I guarantee he doesn’t hug others at the barn.
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Thank you everyone for the advice! This is really validating. I honestly felt guilty for being uncomfortable in case he really does just think he’s being friendly or maybe it is part of his culture.
From now on I am going to try to be more assertive. I will ignore him when he tries to shake my hand and if he tries to hug me again I will tell him I do not want to be hugged. I wish I had been assertive from the very start but sometimes I feel like I am programmed to just be friendly all the time. Growing up I was never taught about consent and anytime I expressed discomfort with someone it was typically dismissed. Reading these responses is making me realize just how important it is for me to change my mindset.
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Even if he is just being friendly, you are the one who gets to decide what makes you uncomfortable.
Also, I agree with others to please tell someone at the barn. Talk to one of the adult riders if you don’t feel comfortable discussing it with the BO. Perhaps they can help you approach the BO with your concerns?
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I didn’t say to bring in SafeSport, someone else asked if this would be something to take to that level and I just linked to what the USEF website has. From what I read it doesn’t sound like they’d do anything.
But yes, absolutely, OP needs to step up.
As soon as he started with the handshake, he crossed a barrier. Yes, I know in some social situations, it’s normal for a handshake, but never in a barn. He was just finding a way to initiate some physical contact, beginning with something innocent that is hard to say “no” to, then the hugging started.
This has happened to me before. In my case, I got so stiff and weird, it didn’t escalate, but I know if I had acted like a normal “friendly” woman is often pressured to do, and passively accepted it or ignored it, I think it might have.
I would tell the BO and next time he tries to touch you at all, I would say, very explicitly, “I’m sorry, I should have mentioned it before, but I’m not a touchy feely person, it’s nothing personal, but I don’t like to hug or shake hands, even very close friends.” Say it loud enough that other people in the area can hear you.
It may be part of his culture. It may not. It may also be that he senses that he can leverage this cultural difference and insecurity (which I would also feel) to get closer to you. Regardless, you have to spell out that this can go no further, so if he does touch you again, it’s clearly not what you want.
I have also been pressured by a well-meaning parent to accept this sort of “friendless,” which I regret.
I also don’t know the BO, obviously, but be prepared if he’s a good worker and she’s short of help, that he might not be leaving.
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You can even use fewer words: “I don’t actually like handshakes, so let’s stop”
Eta: or fewer words: “I don’t like handshakes. No thanks” (when he sticks his hand out)
I would avoid sounding apologetic under all circumstances.
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Yup. OP, practice these lines with your best friend. Your tone will be as though you are saying “of course the moon isn’t made of cheese.” You are stating a raw fact in a tone that says “of course you will agree with me and say nothing more.”
Then practice what you will say to the barn owner. This isn’t okay. We are socialized to give men a lot of credit for why they don’t know exactly what they’re doing when they creep on women. Most of them do. No excuses. This guy is 50. He knows what he’s doing.
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Totally, I admit I wrote what I would say, and the OP should put it in her own words, but regardless, it needs to be a clear, “No, enough,” with no ambiguity. No softening that could be spun as a misinterpretation.
So many women have ended up in shitty situations just because they didn’t want to hurt a guy’s feelings.
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I hear you girl. My upbringing was very conservative & religious, like never question an older man since they are more powerful and wiser than you. I always felt uncomfortable as a kid when adults would hug me, or my parents made me hug someone. I’ve never been a touchy-feely person and as I have grown I have learned that NO ONE SHOULD ENTER YOUR PERSONAL SPACE UNLESS YOU WANT THEM TO. Read that again. Its time to shed that BS that we grew up with. Don’t worry about hurting someone’s feelings. You deserve to stand up for yourself.
I understand that this will not be an overnight personality change. So while you are gathering your courage, practice some defensive body postures. Just like with horses, body language is important. A strong posture and confident stance can discourage creeps from coming up to you. Watch some self defense videos on youtube. Next time he tries to shake your hand either tell him that you don’t shake hands anymore or give him a hard high 5 - like you are shoving his hand out of your space and keep walking away. Never under-estimate the power of a good hard glare.
You do need to tell someone in the business (BO/trainer/ whatever) about this and please document it. Nothing serious has occurred yet, but it is THEIR job to educate their employee how to properly act around their paying clients. Maybe he is just culturally clueless and a ‘nice’ guy, but he needs to be taught how to act in a professional manner, and this is not your job to do.
We are rooting for you!
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