Barn Staff Making Me Uncomfortable - Seeking Advice

[anon15718925]

@OverandOnward

Let other people see you and hear you expressing ‘no’! The awareness of others is one of the best protective shields there is. We don’t need to be embarrassed at all.

So - not sexual harassment but another personal story that came to mind while perusing this thread and seeing all the advice to OP.

One hot day in June of 2020, I just wanted some ice cream and didn’t have any at home. I head to Walmart because it’s got the best selection in town and is five minutes from my apartment. I hadn’t been in a grocery store in-person since probably February or very early March b/c of the pandemic; had been routinely using the order pick-up service.

My mom wanted me to grab one or two other items while I was in Walmart so I started at one end and worked my way toward the ice cream. I’m masked up as anyone with half a brain would’ve been. But I hadn’t been in there in multiple months, the markings for which way you were supposed to go down the aisle were on the floor (smart, not) and who is going around staring at the floor to determine they’re going the correct direction down a near-empty aisle.

I end up going down the ice cream aisle the “wrong” direction. Cue some middle-aged maskless loser seeing me and making some dumb wisecrack about how I’m SO scared that I’m wearing a mask but not so scared as to walk the right way down the aisle. Dude. I just want to grab a pint of Ben & Jerry’s buy whatever else is in my cart and go home. There’s two other old ladies in the aisle, also going the correct direction so I had witnesses.

Something in me just SNAPPED when Middle Aged Dude made that snarky unnecessary comment (I’d realized right before he said it that I was going the wrong direction and was half turned around when he said it) and I start screaming at him (mask still on) to shut up, just SHUT UP. Not exactly a proportionate response nor something I’d recommend OR normally do, but I think I was already about to snap over something else anyway and I didn’t really like being in the store b/c the pandemic was hitting the area pretty bad then due to all the idiots who didn’t want to wear a mask, etc.

He shut up. Moved on out, seemed maybe a little but not very sheepish about opening his mouth in the first place. Old ladies seemed astounded at the whole thing and I think I apologized to one of them for making such a scene but neither of them seemed too rattled ultimately. I’m shaking a lil’ afterwards thinking, “oh great this guy’s gonna be some kind of gun-toting crazy OR he’s gonna go to management and get me kicked out of the store,” but nothing happened.

EDIT: Usually I would NOT do this, ever, it was NOT a proportional response, 0/10 don’t recommend, that dude just pushed the wrong button on the wrong day.

[findeight]

We have some buttons that were installed loooong ago, why we survived the saber toothed tiger and why then tiny mammals survived the dinosaurs. They were scared and ran and/or hid.

NYC cop who was dating a room mate long ago gave me the best advice ever. When something makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, a dark alley, a sketchy poorly lit parking lot or a stranger walking toward you makes you doubt your safety. LISTEN TO IT. Trust those long ago installed instincts that allowed survival of your species and get away from it. He was often upset over dealing with those who talked themselves into being “ brave”, or politically correct resulted in a grieving family.

[SummerRose]

@sapphiremoon, thanks for posting this. Harassment is common and I think a lot of people will benefit from reading this thread.

Just one more thought about your situation, specifically …

The guy’s intentions don’t matter. I think it’s likely that he’s a predator, but unless he “graduates” to prosecutable assault, it’s irrelevant. All people - no matter the gender - have the right to decide who touches them and when, regardless of the toucher’s intent.

A genuinely well-intentioned grandmother wants to hug her 20 year old grandchild, and the grandchild doesn’t want to be hugged? The grandchild has the right to tell Grandma no, even if Grandma has been hugging them literally since they were born. Unfortunately, in real life, telling someone to back off can get awkward (and I’d hope that any grandkids would be tactful when telling Grandma to cease and desist), but the bottom line is that no one has any right to get into your personal space if you don’t want them to. And even if we have not been protesting it or have even been welcoming it (Love you, Grandma!), we have every right to stop it at any time.

A lot of people on this thread have responded in pretty strong terms – and rightfully so, because there are a lot of dangerous people in this world – but you should be able to handle this situation with minimal drama.

First of all, be safe. Make sure that there are other people with you or very close by any time you’re at the barn. Second, have confidence that you are absolutely in the right. Would you tolerate someone roaching your horse’s mane without permission, even if they were doing it “to be nice?” I’m guessing not. And if you saw someone walking up to your horse with a set of clippers, you’d probably stop them in their tracks before they actually got near it, which is generally a good response when people even start to overstep boundaries in any situation. And third, whether talking to this guy or to the BO, be calm, straightforward, succinct, and assertive. Not aggressive, not apologetic, not rambling, just clear and matter-of-fact. The basic facts are pretty simple - he’s been invading your personal space and he needs to stop. Period. It doesn’t matter what his motives are or how you have responded to him in the past, it needs to stop. Now.

Things might be awkward around the barn for a bit after the issue is addressed but you can minimize that by being confident that you’re doing the right thing. You can’t do anything about anyone else’s reaction, but as far as you’re concerned, you have no more reason to feel uncomfortable about calling him out for unwanted touching than you would if you’d had to tell him to keep the clippers off of your horse.

[cattywampus]

Hey, OP–I want to say that I, too, have your back. Because I’ve been there, and it took me too long to get comfortable with telling creepy old men to eff off, and I’ve witnessed too many cases of management making excuses for the man involved, l am trying very hard to be proactive about teaching my kids to set boundaries. The context I grew up in put the responsibility on women not to get assaulted …maybe that’s slowly changing, but Sarah Silverman hit some raw nerves 10 years ago when she tweeted these tips for men…

[eightpondfarm]

Why are you only telling us?! Talk to your parents. Let them take the lead on what to do.

[trubandloki]

@eightpondfarm

Why are you only telling us?! Talk to your parents. Let them take the lead on what to do.

You clearly did not read the original post prior to making this post.

[eightpondfarm]

@trubandloki

@eightpondfarm

Why are you only telling us?! Talk to your parents. Let them take the lead on what to do.

You clearly did not read the original post prior to making this post.

i actually did read the Original Post. I did not see where they told their parents in it:

@sapphiremoon

Hello! First-time poster here just needing to get something off my chest. I don’t know if I’m overreacting due to my anxiety or if my concern is valid, so I’m looking to see if anyone has dealt with a similar situation.

I am a young adult amateur and have been at my current H/J barn for several years now. I love this barn but unfortunately one of the workers has recently started to make me feel a little uneasy. This worker (who I would guess is in his 50s) started there about a year ago. At first he was very quiet and didn’t interact with me at all. Then eventually he started casually making small talk with me. No problem, he seemed friendly. After a few of these casual conversations, he would come up to me and shake my hand when he saw me. Again, no problem, I assumed he was just trying to be friendly.

I started to feel uneasy when I was at the barn alone one time and he came up to me to shake my hand. Except this time when I tried to pull my hand away he just held on tighter and sort of stared at me…? After a few seconds he let go but I thought it was a little strange. He has done this a few more times but only when there is no one else around. He will squeeze my hand, stare at me, say something under his breath and then eventually go back to working.

I know it probably seems like something minor but it really does make me uneasy. I am not a touchy-feely person at all - I usually get uncomfortable when anyone touches me so maybe it’s just a “me” problem? Recently he shook my hand and pulled me into a hug which I also thought was bizarre but again it could just be me. I am not confrontational so I don’t know how to stop him from doing that.

Am I overreacting for being weirded out? Also, has anyone else experienced something like this and how do you deal with it?

[trubandloki]

Oh, sorry, you are right. She added that information a few posts in. Though she does say in her first post that she is an adult.

[eightpondfarm]

Well then, assuming that this is for-real, i would advise OP telling their mother. Having an adult act as a protector. Adult parent, adult barn owner. Seek authority, someone who is there in their real life, for assistance.

[2bayboys]

I’m assuming the OP came here for advice for the same reason that other people seek advice on an anonymous bulletin board, because they either don’t have someone in real life who they feel can help or they don’t want the people in their real life to know what’s going on.

[eightpondfarm]

ok then.

[sascha]

@eightpondfarm

Well then, assuming that this is for-real,

What possible gain is there for you to assume this is anything but real? None.

What possible harm is there for the OP and others in similar situations for you to assume this anything but real? ALL KINDS. It’s this sort of garbage that perpetuates rape culture and limits the number of women and girls that come forward because they know that they won’t be believed. Society’s go to for this type of thing has been to dismiss the woman’s or girl’s experience as untrue. This needs to stop. We ALL need to work harder at this.

@eightpondfarm

i would advise OP telling their mother.

The OP has mentioned talking to her father and being dismissed by him. If you had taken that in, you may also have thought twice about advising the OP tell their mother. There are tons of folks that don’t have mothers in their lives for many reasons some of which can be extremely sensitive or upsetting. And there is the real possibility that if a mother is in the OP’s life, she may be even more dismissive than her father. Bringing issues to parents doesn’t always have the storybook ending we think it should have.

[Paisley_Pony]

@sascha

Bringing issues to parents doesn’t always have the storybook ending we think it should have.

This is often true, unfortunately, which is why so many of us have been in the situations that we have. Regardless of whether or not the OP has supportive adults in her life, the confidence building advice she has received from most of the posters here can help her protect herself as she moves into mature adulthood.

[seriously1]

Assuming this is for real ??
That is a seriously off-side remark and is part of why some people are reluctant to report.

[anon15718925]

She said in one post she’s 20, IIRC.

I didn’t read “young adult” as meaning she’s an underage teen. She was also seeking advice on how to approach the authority figures in her life as she was hesitant about that, likely not helped by her father evidently being dismissive.

EDIT: To clarify by underage teen b/c some can get really sensitive about how underage means underage on some pockets of the internet, I meant as in below age 18. 18 and 19 are still “teens” but legally are adults.

EDIT 2: Also I’m not seeing anyone on here who has advised OP to not tell fellow adult authority figures. I’m not sure where someone is reading this. All advice on this thread can basically be boiled down to:

1. Tell the barn owner/barn manager about this and do not couch it in language that minimizes your feelings when you do so.

2. Reduce or outright avoid as much as possible being around this specific employee.

3. If this man approaches you again and goes in for a handshake, tell him “no.”

4. If he tries to escalate, do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and (safely) extricate yourself from the escalating situation.

With tangents thrown in about how the barn is this man’s workplace and you are a client of the barn and this is not how a cordial professional relationship is supposed to go and yes, the onus is also on him, as the older party, to know better than to behave creepily and yes, he likely is fully aware of how his behavior can be perceived since it is only happening when OP is alone in the barn with this man.

[anon15718925]

@eightpondfarm

Well then, assuming that this is for-real, i would advise OP telling their mother. Having an adult act as a protector. Adult parent, adult barn owner. Seek authority, someone who is there in their real life, for assistance.

That is, as others have said, seriously uncalled for and given what I usually see of you on these forums, I’m mildly surprised to see you beating the “assuming this is for-real” drum.

Is it hypothetically possible someone is making up something for attention on the internet? Uh, yeah, no duh. Anyone who has spent any amount of time online would realize that. But when the subject matter is a situation where someone feels uncomfortable because of creepy male behavior, questioning whether the scenario is real or not will do far, far more harm than good. Not just for the person who made the post but for anyone else who might find this thread and be in a similar situation. In this case whether this is real or not (OP if you see this, I do not doubt you) is IRRELEVANT.

That kind of, “well assuming this is for-real” logic is why victims don’t come forward.

[Djones]

@eightpondfarm

Well then, assuming that this is for-real

Just why? Why? Why write this?

[FjordBCRF]

@eightpondfarm

assuming that this is for-real

Ugh. Why would we assume otherwise?

[NaturallyHappy]

There is lots of good advice on this thread…I hope it is helpful. We all handle things differently, even with a similar end goal. ( I love the cast iron pan). I do remember the OP was concerned about retaliation. I believe @CindyCRNA suggested boarding elsewhere. If I were worried about retaliation (to my horse) I would have a backup place to move him, even if it were temporary, to ease that worry. As a young woman, I was one of few women in my field. I think I used some semblance of all of the above at some point-except calling the cops.

[anon29046226]

If this is for real? WTF? That is not kind. Never mind so many people read but don’t post, someone somewhere maybe getting strength from this. @eightpondfarm I thought you were better than this?