Yes!!! Take this assertiveness with you to the barn and use it with the barn owner trainer and employee in suitable forms!
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GO, YOU!
This is exactly the assertiveness we’re talking about, harness that and use it when needed.
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I had a memory …
I’ve been a boarder for nearly 30 years. I’ve had cordial interactions with barn workers of all ages and degrees of language differences, in different states and locations. Often I’ve been alone in a barn while a barn worker was there.
With the ones I saw frequently for years, have even had a few friendly conversations about family.
Never once has a barn worker given me a hug. Or made it a habit to shake my hand. Not even the ones I was more friendly with. Not once.
It’s not cultural, at all. It is that guy.
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PREACH, girl!
Now, THIS is the attitude you take with you to see the barn owner/manager, and in dealing with this creep!
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I’m sorry, but I have to take serious issue with this.
An absence of no does NOT equal yes. This is the Neanderthal reasonings of so many men who use it to justify stalking, harassing, attacking, and raping women. This is the misogynistic reason so many judges give when they find men ‘not guilty’ of rape despite evidence to the contrary. This is the reason why so many women DON’T come forward when they are raped or attacked - because people tell them that not saying no equals consent. It does not.
NO means no. YES means yes.
This is just victim-blaming at its finest.
ETA: obviously, I quoted this from @Scribbler’s post - not directed at you, though!
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Just one thing to add to all the excellent responses (and a few that are….not so excellent):
In most jurisdictions there’s a website where you can enter a person’s name and see if they’ve been involved in any court cases. That might be worth a look because if you find anything, the BO should know about it. (If you don’t, that doesn’t necessarily mean anything because expungement has been getting easier and easier—not to mention the usual issues with underreporting etc.) Try different name variations in case of misspelling, hyphenates, two last names, etc. If you have trouble finding where to look, feel free to PM me your state and county or town and I will help you find the right website.
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I used to have such sites bookmarked myself b/c journalist (there was a training I took a year or two back where we all bookmarked a google sheet w/links like this and other potentially useful bookmarks) and you never know what you’ll need when. I don’t THINK I still have that link list bookmarked but IIRC it’s usually a state department of corrections website in most parts of the USA.
Since Candyappy is oh-so scared of powerful women apparently, I’m gonna share the following:
Had taekwondo this evening. Was doing that sparring-but-no-contact practicing different forms w/the one adult dude in the class who is not the instructor (class is me, teen girl, maybe three other adult women tops, though two were absent today, teen boy sometimes, two higher belt younger boys who are maybe 10-ish.) and there was one move where I was supposed to knifehand (basically karate chop) the “attacker” in the back of the neck. I tried to do this w/o ACTUALLY knifehanding the man but was also trying to do the rest of the move right b/c I don’t quite have it down yet. Did it all right BUT accidentally knifehanded the guy (not hard enough to do real damage) in the neck.
He just kinda laid there on the mat laughing his butt off/catching his breath while telling me I’d done good and if this was an actual attack situation that is exactly what I would want to do while I apologized profusely b/c I was slightly worried I’d caused actual harm.
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It seems you are still in the dark ages. It is completely inappropriate for someone to physically touch someone in an overtly friendly way while they are at work, or really at any time, without their permission. The fact that he is ramping up the attention is particularly worrying especially as he acts this way only when the OP is alone. He knows that it’s inappropriate and wrong and is trying to hide it or knows that the OP is embarrassed and unsure of what to do.
When I was in my 20s I was at a company dinner with the top sales representatives. The man next to me put his hand on my knee under the table. I nearly knocked the table over I stood up so fast. I had no idea what to do. Thank goodness the sales manager saw the panic on my face and suggested we change seats. He also promised me that he would never let me be put in that situation again. True to his word, at the next dinner, the man sitting next to me asked if I’d like to meet his son.
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It’s worth watching as a script for situations like this!
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OP, if you are worried about retaliation - there may be a way around this. I assume this guy is not the only barn worker?
Assuming that’s the case: suggest that the barn mgr should speak to ALL the workers, as a group, and lay down the law about what work is. Work is not a place to harass customers or seek to find a girl friend among customers. Work is not a place … Everyone is expected to work at work. This means: no personal conversations, no touching, no —.
At this point, everyone is on notice. For all you know, there’s more of this behavior happening with other barn workers and other customers when you aren’t around, and this kind of message can stop it.
And then, with any luck, this harassment stops. And if it does not, you notify the barn manager. Either this guy goes, or you do.
This scenario keeps the dynamic away from you and your horse.
It’s shocking to hear what barn workers get away with in cases if the BM or BO is not vigilant. Like, tip me for cleaning your stall, water buckets, leveling your stall, turnout, … This was happening at a place where I boarded, started with “extra work” and one person, spread to everything and everyone, and we all just put up with it. The Barn Owner got wind of it and blew a gasket with all of the barn workers. That ended that.
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That is awesome !!! We all need to be able to do just that !!!
He is obviously practiced at it and has needed it before, as a celebrity. No doubt he was trained to do this by someone who helps celebrities, or his security team.
As for the rest of us, so often we aren’t expecting it and are taken by surprise. We need a model like this! 
- He used his body language! He immediately stepped out of reach.
- He changed his angle to make it more difficult to embrace him.
- He raised the flat of his hand directly in front of her – a clear signal anywhere.
- He used his voice clearly and directly and LOUDLY. No way to misunderstand or just not pick up on what he said. His tone is neutral - not hostile, but not inviting. And no uncertainty.
- He didn’t hesitate even though he was in the middle of speaking to reporters. He didn’t let that social pressure stop him from signaling “no, get back”.
- And all this made everyone around him aware of his discomfort, which added to his get-back message.
Let other people see you and hear you expressing ‘no’! The awareness of others is one of the best protective shields there is. We don’t need to be embarrassed at all.
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On the one hand, there does need to be a clear policy for barn workers that all should be aware of. It should be written. If a translation is needed, that should be provided. If someone needs to read it to someone else, that can be arranged.
On the other hand, I strongly disagree with the management practice of delivering a harsh message to everyone when only one or a few are the problem.
Wise management deals with problem workers directly. Implying that the rest of the staff are a problem when they are not creates tremendous resentment among those who don’t deserve that treatment.
And management shouldn’t hide from dealing directly with the problem by dragging everyone through the mud.
But I definitely agree that perhaps a milder message that “maybe we have needed to have a clear set of written policies that lets our workers know the ramifications of certain things” is in order to get written policies into the hands of workers. If there isn’t something like that already in the barn.
If the barn already has clear written policies, there is no need to make a big point of them again for workers who are behaving well. Firing the asshole will make the point sufficiently.
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I agree. Not addressing it directly is passive agressive and unfair to the other workers that are doing their jobs as expected of them. More than that, this need to be addressed with this SPECIFIC employee and DOCUMENTED, otherwise that is more wiggle room for him to play stupid and/or for things to continue to escalate.
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I agree. Not only is it a red flag that he does this when no one else is around, but the fact that she is a young, non-assertive person means that he has chosen her as a victim.
Often forgotten is that sexual abusers often choose their victims because the victim seems weak. I have seen this in situations where the victim is quiet and reserved, has few friends or is often alone, has a troubled home life, has emotional challenges or, for whatever reason, is less likely to be believed if she tells anyone.
Young people should be aware that if they fall into one of these categories, they may be chosen as victims, so they may need to take steps to avoid becoming a victim in any way that it is possible for them. Others around them should also step up to support them.
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This. To the work thing:
As I’ve noted - I work in a professional field and realize some people can kind of view the horse world differently re. boundaries, etc. between staff and everyone else sometimes (to its detriment, sometimes, I’d say) but during the course of a workday I could be dealing w/plenty of people in the same general age range, men and women, as the man OP is having issues with and I am probably about 10 years older than OP if she’s 20 as stated.
Believe me, most people this guy’s age aren’t going about touching someone in an overly friendly/familiar manner out of nowhere or escalating that contact.
EDIT: And just to make my example clear, most of the time when I’m going about my day interviewing folks, etc. as a reporter, I’m not entirely alone with anyone but periodically it does happen.
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You know, OPs statement that she doesn’t want to speak up because “ everybody else seems to like him” is the kind of BS that makes us insecure, self doubting and silent. OP is assuming because she has never seen it happen or heard anybody else mention it, it never happened to them and therefore, its her fault. Have to change that thinking. And its not just women who suffer this thinking.
Far as self defense, the first move is always face the person/ threat, stand square, arms raised with palms open and fingers spread while loudly saying NO, NO, NO. Add HELP if they continue. That is clearly understood and usually ends the situation, scares them as it should. Its not open to any misinterpretation that no means yes. Nobody wants to do this because it will draw attention to them but thats the point, the training helps you embrace that reaction from others.
OP is young, was trying to be nice, doubting her feelings, blaming herself, making excuses. Stop that. If you are going to stay in horses, you will find many instances of older, transient help who have been unsuccessful holding better paying jobs, often for reasons they don’t share for good reason. Think most of us have learned to understand this the hard way to the point of avoiding barns with sketchy help and that is another reason to tell the BO/BM.
In todays world you just can’t give anybody the benefit of the doubt or think the best of anybody. Quoting Dr P here…and he’s right. Don’t walk around fearing everybody but if somebody makes you uncomfortable or sets off your creep alarm, believe it.
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This.
And “seems to like” covers a broad range of reactions depending on how one interprets it. Including, y’know, general politeness to get through the day.
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My BM told me that once he fired a worker on the spot for coming on to some of young girls (early teens). This was before my time so I don’t know if he witnessed it or was told about it. OP please tell your BO/BM what this guy is doing. And like others have said, find an emergency backup barn in case your BO/BM doesn’t take you seriously.
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