That is crap. The lingering handshakes and hugs are just wrong. This is not a social interaction between consenting adults. This is a man imposing physical contact on a young woman.
Rebecca
35 Likes
First OP explained she was raised in a culture to not be assertive (Catholic school).
Second, in most places barn workers do not socialize with clients especially when there are age, gender and language gaps.
Third, in no culture is this kind of grooming acceptable. It’s not acceptable in cultures that have a full understanding of women’s autonomy and rights. And it’s not acceptable in the more conservative cultures where women are oppressed but also protected by family. In his own culture he’d likely already have been beaten up by your father, brothers and cousins.
The value of self defense classes is they teach you to be aware and keep a bubble. So that you never need to use violence in most creepy situations.
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I grew up back in the dark ages. I am glad that you were taught to say NO, I was not. It was quite the opposite. I was taught to keep my mouth shut and not say anything. Adults were always right, adults were to be respected, not talked back to. Don’t make a scene. Don’t damage their reputation/their job/etc. They must not have meant anything. I was interpreting it wrong. I was overreacting. This was a respected person in the community / a nice guy, surely it didn’t happen. Even when I said they were making me uncomfortable, I was dismissed. I spoke up, it was me who got in trouble, I was not believed, and the adult was never held accountable.
Not everyone has been raised the same as you. You are not doing anyone any favors by using the excuse she didn’t say NO. She shouldn’t have to say no. She shouldn’t have to tell him she is uncomfortable - he already knows she is uncomfortable. Trust me. He knows. She knows. If anyone else was there, they would know too.
He also knows he’s found someone who was raised like me. I don’t know that she was raised like me but am inferring that from her saying that her father brushed her off. Regardless, she is NOT saying she is ok with it. Just like my silence was not me saying I was ok with it back in the dark ages, her silence is not saying it is ok now. It has messed me up for life, I wish no one ever goes through what I did. It sounds like you have never had my experiences and that’s great for you, but please do not continue to think this way. Silence is NOT saying it is ok.
I am so glad that now there are people who get it and understand now. Silence is not acceptance. IT IS NOT THE SAME. People are silent for many reasons, none of them being “because it’s ok”.
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I never said that. If you look at my first response I said that OP should tell clearly to keep his hands to himself. No need to to insult him or be mean at that point. Who cares what a man might think of you when you rebuff their advances?
Not sure I understand your comment but I don’t think many of you need to worry about anyone hugging you without asking first.
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[candyappy, post:172, topic:782676"]
Because he hasn’t actually done anything? Unless things have changed in the 30+ years I have been married this is what I would remember as a guy being interested . The handshakes have lengthened, he holds on longer, making eye contact and when his progression isn’t opposed by her, he hugs her.
[/quote]
Well you’ve said all of these which is some pretty mixed messaging where, at least most of us are getting the ultimate takeaway that she needs to, yes, say “no” BUUUUUUUUUT be gentle about it because it might be a harmless crush and he’s not a mind-reader. Which, to me and by the responses you’re getting, to more posters than simply myself, comes off as excusing creepy behavior.
As multiple others have pointed out, the barn is a professional setting for this guy. He works there. OP is a boarder, thus, a client. This is inappropriate.
I wouldn’t hug a guy I only knew in a professional context who was considerably younger or considerably older than myself and I do not work in a barn. (I’m not even old enough to be in a position where I’m working with/around people 20+ years my junior but I absolutely find myself in professional scenarios with people who are older than me by 20+ years.) Nor would I expect a guy who only knows me in a professional context and who was considerably older than I to escalate into hugging me as OP described.
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It may read different because I was responding to others posts and what they said not the OP.
What makes it creepy? Would it be creepy if the guy was 25 and drop dead gorgeous?
Plenty of women prefer older men . All I can go off of is what the OP said.
He shook hands, started holding her hand longer than necessary, looking into her eyes and then he hugged her once. If someone doesn’t like it then they say something to stop it. I still don’t see anything worth reporting him to police or safe sport at this point.
Tell the man to stop and tell the BO. That is what I said.
1 Like
You’re twisting what everyone has said and that hackneyed hypothetical is idiotic.
You ARE implying that she needs to spare the man’s feelings by being “polite.”
A simple “no” is more than enough and plenty polite. The only suggestions to report to police, etc. have been IF this creep ESCALATES FURTHER which most of us seem to recognize is very likely behavior.
Again: this is this guy’s place of employment. This is not workplace appropriate behavior from anyone. OP is a client at this barn and should not have to feel uncomfortable b/c of a creepy man behaving poorly and demonstrating a lack of boundaries.
What you have written comes across much like the ol’ “well, she ASKED for it, she was leading him on, etc.” or “well, what was she wearing” rhetoric. That is misogynistic, harmful and absolutely a prime example of victim-blaming.
EDIT: Okay, say we had a woman who preferred older men and she trucked up to an older guy in the workplace and started off shaking his hand and then kept finding every excuse in the book to be around him. Let’s say he wasn’t interested and for whatever reason didn’t feel empowered to tell her “no” (which we all know is pretty danged unlikely b/c, he’s a man.) and then let’s say she escalated to a hug that he definitely didn’t want but didn’t say “no” to b/c he was caught off-guard or whatever. Is THAT okay??? No? I should hope not?
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OP, I get being nervous to say anything. Any chance you can go to the barn outside of his working hours? I worry about my animal also who has to bear the brunt of this man feeling jilted. I wish there was another barn you could go to as it’s going to be weird around him. Any other boarders he does this to and have you inquired innocently if anyone else is having issues?
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Your twisting things to your liking pretty well. For a refresher I will quote my first answer to OP for you and leave it at that.
Things have not changed. Your perception is warped. Coffee, dinner, a movie, proper conversation, any or all of those things come before ANY physical touching and always have in polite company.
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“What makes it creepy? Would it be creepy if the guy was 25 and drop dead gorgeous?“
Two words: Ted Bundy.
Young. Charming. Good-looking. Polite. Well-off. Serial killer.
So no. It would not make a bit of difference. If the OP was uncomfortable with the contact, if he was doing it only when others weren’t around, if he was escalating it as this guy’s doing, it would be creepy even if he looked like Ryan Reynolds.
I really don’t even understand this argument. Age, looks - none of it matters. The OP is concerned. She does not know how to handle this situation, because she’s never been taught how. In fact, she has been taught - as so many women have - to excuse the behavior, find an alternate explanation, laugh it off, don’t rock the boat. F*ck that. Her fears are legit. Her concerns are legit.
Maybe you’ve never been stalked/harassed like this, but many of us have, and we recognize the signs.
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We read that.
No one has a problem with that. What we have a problem with is everything you’ve said AFTER that. 
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Like, okay if you’re into men behaving like wild animals that’s on you not on society-at-large and just admit that to yourself…
But I somehow doubt it was widely socially acceptable. Part of culture, sure, look at old movies, etc. that glorify chasing or getting the girl to give in.
And again: this guy WORKS at the barn. I do not generally go through the course of my work, where I have to sometimes interact with men my parents’ age, expecting to be on the receiving end of a hug or lingering handshake.
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I’ve openly said I’ve never experienced this and I FREAKIN’ GET IT. 
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*you’re.
Yes I’m being petty.
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It is not being assertive, I agree. Just trying to help her be okay with how she does it.
@candyappy The absence of the word “no” in an interaction does not automatically mean “yes”. Jeez I thought we were way past that kind of thinking.
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Dear OP,
You need a plan for your horse just in case things go wrong, so you have an emergency exit strategy. Ask around among friends and try to line up someone willing to take your horse in on short notice.
Years ago my boarding barn owner brought in his third wife, and she took over barn management and gave the entire cadre of barn boarders a week’s notice to get out.
It was complicated since I had three horses then, and ended up having to split them up to different places. Since then I have always had a backup plan for each horse.
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OP here, just to clear some things up for you because your responses are making me mad. We are NOT talking about consenting adults here. Silence does not mean that I consent. And I have to disagree with you about age - IMO it absolutely makes a difference! Have you ever heard of power dynamics? This man is at least 50, but probably closer to 60. His age made me question if it was appropriate for me to say anything. If a boy my age makes me uncomfortable I have a much easier time expressing boundaries. At his age, he really should know better than to be flirting with someone so much younger than him, especially in a professional setting.
No he can’t read my mind but he should have enough life experience to know that most 20 year olds aren’t interested in someone as old as their dad. I honestly believe that he knows he’s being creepy and he’s just pushing the envelope because he senses that I’m a pushover. I’ve been trying to spare his feelings but I can’t keep doing that anymore because it is costing me my comfort, and possibly my safety.
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