Gah! So, good. Thank you.
Story of my life when I lived in NYC in my 20s and encountered lots of “random m[e]n.”
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I was raised to stand up when an adult woman entered a room.
I was raised to open car doors for women, including my own younger sisters. They still expect it seventy years later, and I still open doors for them.
I was raised to hold open a door to a room or building to allow the woman to pass through first. Except a revolving door, when the man went first to push the door around for the woman.
I was raised not to ever offer a handshake to a woman. It was up to the woman to choose to initiate that maneuver.
I was raised to pull out a chair to allow a woman to be seated.
When did good manners showing respect for women become perceived as threatening? And why should I not finish out the last years of my life still opening doors and pulling out chairs and offering my seat when there are no available empty seats?
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This is what I mean by cultural differences. Your good manners work in your community but might look odd outside it.
I’m in my early 60s and holding doors open evaporated in my peers in my part of the world . But there are lots of other things I judge as manners in men!
In British pub culture and among British ex-pats in Hong Kong it was typical for the men to alternate buying rounds for the whole table, only the men, and include incidentally any random women who were there who weren’t expected to buy any. In Canada everyone pays for their own drinks usually, including many dating couples unless guy is making a big deal to impress a new or potential girlfriend. As an example.
So what counts as manners is very culturally dependent. Also some of the older things maybe don’t work so well in mixed workplaces. I can’t imagine all the men standing up every time a woman walked to the water cooler from her desk.
There’s a famous Henry James novel, Portrait of a Lady, where the denouement comes when the heroine views her husband with another woman who is standing up while he remains sitting, and that makes her realize they are in domestic intimacy and ex lovers, rather than casual acquaintances as she had been told. 1890s.
On the other hand, I tend to stand up when someone enters my office of either genre and ask them to sit. It does seem polite
I moved around a bit in the 1990s and realized that between Hong Kong/British handshakes, the Quebecois cheek kiss, and the sloppy huggy Anglo Canadians I knew, I’d gotten quite muddled in body language because if you mix two of these it’s way too much contact. I’m good with handshakes not a huggy person at all.
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In my opinion, courtesy should be applied equally to both sexes, not just to women. So hold open doors and pull out chairs and go first through the revolving door for everyone, not just for women.
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But then how do you negotiate who does the holding?
Whoever arrives at the portal first.
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The first person to the door holds it open. First one to the revolving goes, no need to hold it. Pull out your own chair, unless you ask for help.
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We are all from our own micro-cultural tradition, even and especially in the U.S which is such a huge country with different sensibilities in different parts of the country. And Canada may be that as well.
To me there is a big difference between sexism or other ism’s and cooperation. Because we are all sharing this planet together. Men hold the door for me, and I’m fine with that, as especially those big metal-and-glass doors are very heavy and it is easier for them. (I’m stereotyping their physical abilities). They get a smile and ‘thank you’ from me as a reward and encouragement. 
Some people think it’s patronizing, but if I don’t see a stop signal I’ll do the same for a woman with a baby in her arms, or with small children, that kind of thing. For an elderly person with a walker, mostly because it’s hard to handle those doors and a walker if one isn’t steady without the support of the walker. Actually anyone with crutches or a walker, or just arms full of bags, or something going on that makes it harder for them than it is for me to grab that door, pull it and hold it to pass through.
Yes I was schooled to do that while learning adulthood. But more to the point it is mutual cooperation with the people living on earth with us. We can all make like a teensy bit easier for someone else, even just for 20 seconds.
I was not schooled to do it to show superiority, but to be nice. It’s not hard to be nice. And where I live that was & is an expectation - just be nice, it costs you nothing and makes life better for everyone.
Holding a door is one thing. Telling a stranger woman to smile is a whole other sinister creature. To me, anyway.
When I lived in the deep south (even deeper than where I live now! lol) and was flying commuter on a regular basis, I was quite happy that I never once put my carry-on into the overhead cabinet, or retrieved it at the end of the flight, while flying in & out of the local airport. Every time a man, some total stranger, did it for me with a smile. “Here I’ll get that for you.” It was a lot easier for him than me and I would give him sincere thanks. Like me, these men were schooled to be nice. To use their greater strength to the benefit of someone else when it cost them nothing, not even time. That’s something that never, ever happened flying in & out of NYC, doncha know. LOL
Fully agree with that when it’s a matter of just getting through the door, no special challenges!
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Once when I was in Manhattan, a man held the door for me and I thanked him. He looked at me in surprise, and asked “Where are you from, you said Thanks!?” I replied “Where are YOU from, you held the door open?”
No diss on NYC intended.
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Do we have the same husband? Mine does this too. (and as you know, for the same reason!)
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Heard a fascinating podcast interviewing security expert Gavin DeBecker, who has been a legend in the field of personal safety since the 1980’s.
Thought that a good deal of the interview was spot-on with the issues facing OP.
His book The Gift of Fear is still hugely popular, I’ve read it and I’m sure many in this thread also have read it. (Although the examples in it tend to be dated since the first edition came out decades ago.)
DeBecker has added a great deal to the information and knowledge that he’s still accumulating on the subject.
DeBecker researches, analyzes data and teaches people how to assess a potentially threatening situation and pick up on red flags that are common “pre-incident” warning signs. For individuals, organizations and the gov’t. I found his threat assessment mosaic very interesting.
He says the #1 pre-incident indicator to concern women is that someone “is trying to control … how you view the situation … they try to persuade you that the situation is ok so as to turn off your fear and your other intuitive resources”.
He says that the most common human predator is what he calls “the persuasion predator”. A persuader is at work when the target feels uneasy, even fearful, but the persuader convinces them to put those feelings aside and go along with their direction and cues.
Persuaders also tend to resist the word “no”, even when it is repeated several times. They increase the intensity of their charm and persuasion to overcome the “no” – and they do this because it often works.
Sound familiar to any part of someone’s own life?
DeBecker compares the human ability to self-talk themselves into unsafe situations to the very different way that prey animals respond to uneasiness and fear. Horse people can relate! He said that when a prey animal hears or sees a lion coming at it through the grass, the horse does not say to itself “but it’s a nice lion” or “I’m sure it’s nothing”.
One more factor he mentions (among many) is that he wishes people would eliminate the word “should” from their vocabulary. As in, I should give him a chance. I shouldn’t make a fuss by reporting him. I should be friendly. Etc.
He has much, much more that imo directly relates to what OP has been feeling about this weird intrusive barn worker. Links below.
To go right to the point of this thread go to Episode 1 minute 28 …
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I will hold a door open if I’m first for those behind me, male or female. I always thank anyone who holds a door for me. I look after my own chair. I love going thru revolving doors, so I don’t want someone to hold it but I wouldn’t be rude to the person who did. I’d go thru and say thank you.
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I’ve read online about people complaining about women who don’t like doors being held open etc online. I never came across one until here. I’m not sure what to make of it. Women want men to be respectful but with something small like a door or a chair they can’t win.
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My one experience in NYC was a completely messed up work flight into Burlington, Vermont. Very long story short, part of my reroute was getting from the Newark Airport to LaGuardia…during rush hour, on a tight schedule. I got a cab and had the nicest cab driver ever. I told him my travel story and he said he do his best to get me to my next flight on time (which he did!!). He commented that he didn’t often get friendly passengers, and I said I had no reason not to be and it was my first time seeing the city. He gave me my own tour and told me where we were and cool things about places as we passed through. That was a highlight of that trip!
I’m normally not the chattiest person with strangers, but I was so spent from travel mishaps and got good vibes from the guy I didn’t have the energy to put a wall up 
. There are nice people, but boy it’s hard sometimes to remember that too.
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For me, it’s a work thing.
If someone does something for me, that they wouldn’t do for a man, whether it’s how they were raised, or something they do subconsciously, they are putting me in the mental category of “needs assistance”. In my line of work, that’s not a category I want to be placed in, especially within rank structures.
I hold doors for anyone, and I am respectful and a good human. I am fully cognitive of the skills I bring to the table as a woman that is different then my men counterparts. I’m fine with being treated differently from time to time then a man, when it’s in respect to what I bring to the table. I’m not ok with it when it comes to needing help.
As for the OP, as someone who didn’t speak up early in my work career, when I got the bad feelings, and who, until I learned to speak up, faced multiple shitty things-good for you, it takes courage, resilience and strength to do what you did. And you may have protected someone who didn’t have your Spidey senses.
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I’ve kinda given up on holding doors for men, unless their arms are full. To often it turns into an “after you alphonse - no, after you” routine. Definitely will hold a door for a man who looks older than me. But they seem to have mostly died off. Sometimes I think I see another old man, but it turns out to be my own reflection in the glass door.
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ok that’s funny.
I’m in my 30s and never lived below the Mason-Dixon so here is my perspective:
I appreciate someone holding a door for me, just as I do for them. To me it’s not gallantry, it’s the simple act of not letting a door shut in someone’s face if they are a few steps behind me. However, I do not like it when a man opens the door but puts his body in the door jam so I have to brush past him on my way. Just walk out the darn door and hold it open for the next person.
I once worked with a young man who was home-schooled and very sheltered and conservative. He was raised to stand whenever a woman entered the room. Our crew was about 70% female so this poor kid was jumping out of his seat every three minutes during our lunch break. We told him we appreciated the gesture, but given our hectic work environment it wasn’t necessary - in fact it could be distracting during meetings since he would pop out of his seat whenever someone arrived. Just an example of a cultural difference.
I was at ikea with a heavy box on my trolley. I gave it a half hearted attempt at lifting it into my car and it slipped. I was very grateful to the stranger (man) who came over and offered to help. What was nice is that he asked first, promptly put the box in the car, I thanked him, and went about his business. No flirting or small talk, just one human helping another, expecting nothing in return. That’s just good manners.
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I would hope that your OH would feel the same lack of embarrassment about your behaviour when you arrived at a door before him and held it for him.
Ugh, @anon15718925 I totally get what you’re saying, and it is actually creepy to me in the way it shows our society still has a hell of a long way to move towards getting tf rid of sexist, chauvinistic behaviour.
I hold doors. I have had the door-holding discussion with men I’ve been in relationships with at least one of which was decades older than me and very well mannered. They got it. Their manners didn’t suffer a whit to have a door held for them once in a while or to evaluate their inner door-holding policies and make them even across all sexes.
I sort of get the LEO culture remark that someone above made, but feel that “culture” needs an overhaul to the core anyway. Going back to do something completely unnecessary for a woman that would not be done for a man is gross in this day and age.
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As you say, this door debate is, “…something small…,” infinitesimally small, and any dude who claims to feel aggrieved and struggling from Can’t Win Syndrome™️ because I want to manage my own space and social obligation is likely not winning anyway. (See Jordan Peterson, incels, et al.)
I love it when anyone helps anyone, and if a person prefers DIY that’s great, too. A refusal of help is just that. At worst, it is a bid for independence. Not a slight. Not a test.
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