It’s probably unacceptable to damn near everyone. It’s probably unacceptable to the hypothetical person who does it.
However, something being acceptable and something being resolved are often two completely different things dependent on a person’s mental health including their shame level.
Go ahead and do some googling on how many Americans have had some sort of collection action taken against them. The numbers are not small. The percentages are not in the single digits.
Despite what may be circulating, having empathy is not a sin, even when it’s empathy towards a hypothetical person fallen on hypothetically tougher times than original story.
Empathy does not equal enabling imo. You can have empathy for a person. You can help someone go do the right thing. They are not mutually exclusive. What you shouldn’t do is enable a person who is responsible for a living creature to continue to make poor choices. It’s very curious to me that someone who finds a $300 bill over the top… Didn’t take the initial amount that they thought was more appropriate. Let’s say she thought it would’ve cost $100 and just paid that and then worked out a plan. We are not talking about a child. We are talking about a person in their 50s. Life for all of us for most people has it’s ups and downs No one wants to kick anyone when they’re down, but you don’t enable people to continue to make poor choices.
You do realize this is coth, right, and threads morph and shift and nobody actually dies from that happening and sometimes people even learn things when that happens?
Would there really have been more empathy towards the main character if OP had asked how better to support the HO. I doubt that. When folks show you who they are and all that.
And I can even ‘hear’ myself typing “Hey OP, if this is not a close friend or someone you are concerned might do harm to themself, step back and treat this strictly as a business arrangement.” Yet, that wouldn’t lessen my understanding that folks can hit emotional or financial rock bottom and my ability to empathize with them.
Me too, MHM, but the OP has verbalized strong concern about not alienating the dentist. I did not mean to suggest letting things drag out longer than the OP’s comfort zone; the OP can put whatever time she wants for the boarder to pay her back, including, “tomorrow.” My thinking was that the OP’s relationship with the dentist appears to be worth more to the OP than $300. And the boarder will either be understanding and pay up for both dentist and board, or will announce in a huff that she is leaving (or that she can’t pay and then it is decided for her that she will leave).
The one thing I do know is that everyone involved (except us COTH armchair quarterbacks, maybe) will feel better if this is handled with emotional intelligence as well as clarity/firmness. Both OP and boarder (and dentist) will take a given narrative away from this experience. I believe that the dentist will have a more positive narrative if she is paid promptly, the OP will feel glad that she maintained her relationship with the dentist, and the OP and boarder have the chance to move on from this feeling like they behaved like competent adults who addressed a problem together and solved it.
I remain more invested in the narrative of the T-Rex stuck under the piano.
Nobody has suggested either of those things. These statements are either-or thinking, that posters are stating that HO is either a demon or an angel, without acknowledging the totality of the issues involved – but none of the posts are doing that. There is abundant acknowledgement that HO is a human with human problems.
The focus here is that whatever problems the HO is having, are spilling over to damage two parties who have no responsibility for HO’s personal issues, whatever they are.
I can be sympathetic to anyone’s life struggles. But allowing one sailor in difficulties to take down the ship with all aboard? No. We can help the sailor in other ways, but the ship needs to be saved.
YES. This is it. IMO.
Horses are needy, highly expensive, luxury pets. Not something that easily fits in the portfolio of someone struggling with financial problems.
Sometimes people with problems manage to work themselves into a particular problem that actually highlights the changes they need to make to put their world upright again. Horses seem to be uniquely able for that role.
Absolutely no post on this thread has suggested otherwise.
I don’t get how people suggesting alternatives for your first thought in any way contradicts your second. Your dismissive tone toward the other posters is you coming up with a problem where there actually wasn’t one to begin with. You are reading things into practical remarks that were never stated. IMO.
There is a difference between circumstances, and choices. Not maintaining communications over a $300 bill is a choice. A different choice would be working out a solution with the provider for this necessary horse healthcare.
Such an offer, in light of HO’s circumstances and wish to maintain her horse, is something that many providers with empathy for someone’s financial difficulties would be glad to accommodate.
As long as that person follows through with the agreed solution.
Refusing communication is a different sort of message.
From my decades of experience in the horse business I can say with certainty that when there is a difficult situation and people (often from a place of kindness) start putting their heads in the sand instead of dealing with it, things only get worse, both for the person AND the horse.
What about sympathy for the horse dentist who provided a service and isn’t being paid? As a freelancer, I can tell you that not being paid for work I’ve done is one of my major sources of anxiety.
If I were the OP, however, I would absolutely not pay the bill because there is no way she’s getting that money back from the horse owner, and, if anything the horse owner will read the barn owner paying the dentist as an admission of guilt that the OP was somehow in the wrong, giving the dentist the go-ahead to do the work (even though the horse owner could have called and told the dentist beforehand her budget).
I would talk to the horse owner one more time and suggest she set up a payment plan with the dentist and then inform her that she is not a good fit for the barn and give her 30 days notice.
It’s super easy to go “man I’m really on a budget this month, I’d better call that horse dentist and see how much it might be and if I can afford it.”
It’s also super easy to go “oh crap, I had an unexpected expense and now I can’t pay this bill, let me call the vet and offer $100 down and the rest in 2 weeks.”
I’ve been there. It was a rough time.
I don’t have any sympathy for someone who never called to check on the potential bill and then ghosted the vet.
Re: payment plans, I consider an essential part of adulting to have access to temporary sources of funds in case of unexpected expenses/budget shortfalls. There are many easily accessible options such as credit cards and bank loans. There’s no great reason for a horse owner to be leaning on small business owners like vets, dentists, or boarding barns for payment plans. I mean, if a BM or equine service provider wants to offer them, that’s fine, but seriously, I expect a responsible adult to be able to shift some expenses to a credit card and pay their bills without involving other people.
I’m not an owner who is flinging around $300 in horse expenses here & there. BUT – yes, it happens. EPM diagnosis. Suspensory problem. Ulcer that is creating issues. Even a NQR with a vet and testing to see what is wrong, before we even get to treating something.
Even something ‘small’ that ends up needing a) a vet and meds, along with b) a whole bunch of retail-sourced treatment supplies.
It’s like being uninsured with a child – it’s astonishing how much a ‘basic’ issue racks up charges for needed items and services.
Horse owners need a plan. Some owners keep an emergency expense fund. Some owners have a CC with an open balance. Etc.
If there is no plan, it is time to take a second look at the advisability of horse ownership. For one’s horse, as well as oneself.
Horses are not furniture that just stand around looking nice while collecting dust. Unfortunately there are owners who believe they are just that. Just IMO.
Yeah…that can be a little problematic in a boarding barn particularly if boarder is not going to be there to fetch and hold the horse for service provider, there is limited common area treatment space and/or its a busy training barn with lesson program.
OPs operation is small but those in bigger, active barns need some coordination in when service providers can safely work without disrupting everybody’s routine. That is one reason many active barns close Mondays and/or handle scheduling vet, farrier etc with each client having a pre existing billing account with said provider.
So the latest, is that I texted her to find out if she was coming this weekend (your horse misses and the snow is starting to melt) She has no idea that the dentist contacted me about this a week ago. So she came out today. I called the dentist ahead of time and told him I would call him back with her on the line. I spoke to her as soon as she walked into the barn and said the the dentist was mad at me because of you! I had him on speed dial and put the phone on speaker and had her talk to him and his wife.
She said she hadn’t gotten texts and emails, since her first contact where she had told them she was going to do payments of $100 dollars (first I had heard of this!). I knew she had given the dentist’s wife the cc number without the security code. She went on about that texts and the email must have gone into spam folder etc. She didn’t have her credit card with her so couldn’t do that right then.
Sounded like a lot of excuses.
I told her I didn’t do business this way and she had to clear it up. I did NOT mention my boarding contract at all. I haven’t received her board check (payment service) yet for Feb. (but have from my other boarder!) and didn’t want to put that in jepoardy. A friend suggested I wait until it cleared the bank before saying anything about it. I really wouldn’t have cause to give her notice if she clears this up with the dentist.
But I am not super happy about this. so we will see.
I don’t think you need cause to give notice. Just get all this settled and then give it. This will happen again, and next time it might be a really big bill like a colic or other emergency, and someone will be stuck with the bill.
Best case you’ll get the horse dumped on you and ghosted.
Something similar happened to me. I had a boarder with an old horse who moved out of state and asked if she could leave the horse with me due to her age and I said of course. She continued paying board thank God and after sometime I was told she was not paying the vet.
After much drama and so on the vet bill was finally settled. And just in time too.
A month later I found the mare down in the field and unable to rise.
I called the vet then began trying to reach the owner, vis phone call, text, facebook and linked in .
No response from owner. After a few hours the vet finally showed up and the horse needed to be put down. Still had not heard from the owner. As luck would have it I have a clause in my contract that I can authorize any emergency treatment necessary up
To and including euth in the absence of the owner. I showed that to the vet and the horse was put down.
It was the second of the month and thank God the owner had just paid her board the day before so I had that to use to pay for the backhoe etc, and settle the vet bill.
Doubt you need “cause” to ask her to leave but do need to give her 30 days written notice in most cases. Via certified mail return receipt requested to prove she got it before the dog ate it.
The issue is not this particular event, it’s the dog ate my report, homework, mail, CC statements et al excuses. Not even a good liar.
If I’m reading correctly, today ended with still no concrete resolution about her unpaid bill? Why not just give her notice to leave and be done with all the silly games?
What if the dentist/vet drops you too-do you have another option?
