BOs: confidentiality?

[Come_Shine]

If the BO was not comfortable keeping it private, she shouldn’t have assured me she would. I would have understood and handled things differently with my friend. I feel badly about that.

As for cloak and dagger, it was an email. Hey would like to see the farm, do you mind keeping it confidential. Response was “Of course”.

I’m surprised (and disheartened) by how many are justifying the BO breaking her word to me. Guess I’m just glad I didn’t buy a horse from her. Now I know her word means nothing. As others have said, it’s a small horse world.

Thanks all.

[Come_Shine]

[QUOTE=OAD Cowgirl;8740617]
Are you sure that it was the BO that told? If there was anyone there other than her, when you visited, it could have been them. Other boarders, barn help, feed delivery, farriers, and vets know EVERYTHING that goes on in the horse world around here. And most of them have absolutely no compunction about blabbing it to anyone who wants to listen.[/QUOTE]

Yes. My friend told me the other BO told her. And apparently others and apparently started a rumor that my friend’s barn was in trouble. I’m out if the loop on stuff and was just blown away when my friend told me how out of proportion everything had been blown. Unbelievable.

Just have to laugh.

[red_mares]

It’s a barn, not a doctor or lawyer’s office, why would you expect any sort of confidentiality?

My experience is that horse people talk to one another and often for good reason. They network on who is good pay, who is bad pay, who is a PITA, who has crazy horses. Things that affect their bottom line and day to day quality of life.

[Come_Shine]

Then why give YOUR WORD you won’t say anything?

[m_m1]

I agree with you, OP. It’s one thing to say that the horse world is small and gossipy, it’s another thing to actually defend the prospective barn owner, who had agreed to keep it confidential.

You had your reasons, they make sense to me, and the PBO was flat out wrong.

It’s easy to say you should have told current BO/friend. But I can easily imagine telling her that you might have to move due to a possible new job, then possible new job falls through, and your BO/friend would be on the edge of her seat wondering when the next possible new job would come up.

Full barn? Someone inquires about availability? BO worries about turning away new client, because what if Come Shine is about to get a new job and will be leaving any day now?

Kinda makes sense to want to keep it under one’s hat, doesn’t it?

[Gestalt]

I’ve had to do the “cloak and dagger” barn hunt to get away from a crazy bo. Lesson learned for you and probably an eye opener for your current friend and bo.

[horsepoor]

Given that your current BO is a friend and you are worried about what they might hear, you might want to just head off any misunderstanding and talk to her now. Before the “rumors” get back to her and cause more problems than the real story. Just like you said, you might need to move due to convenience so you went to check it out, but that’s down the road and you’re happy the way things are, whatever.

I’m still on your side as far as the confidentiality promise, but now that they have talked to people, it is bound to get back to the current BO, so I’d be inclined to head off bad feelings and misinformation now.

[onthebit]

If the BO agreed that she wouldn’t discuss your visit with anyone then she should have kept her word. Yes, the horse world is small but if you say you are going to do something then you should do it.

That said, if current BO is really your friend then I would tell her there is a kinda/sorta/maybe possibility of the job change, so “just in case” it actually came through you were going to look at the other barn because the commute to current barn would no longer be doable. I know everyone on this board will tell you not to communicate at all with your BO because she’s surely crazy, but it sounds like she isn’t and you say she’s a good friend. So just talk to her.

[Lady_Eboshi]

In the OP’s scenario, if I were good friends with the potential boarder’s current BO, I would find that confidentiality request putting me in a very awkward position. Let’s say the boarder leaves her and comes to you. Friend calls up saying, “Geez, you knew about this all the time and didn’t TELL me?” Remember, the old BO now has a hole in her income and a stall to fill. She’s going to feel betrayed by BOTH her boarder and her longtime friend, and I wouldn’t blame her.

Under those circumstances, I would explain to the potential client WHY I’m not willing to keep her visit a secret. The reason is perfectly valid, and it’s called not wanting to be seen as poaching clients and getting that kind of reputation.

[Palm_Beach]

BOs expect a certain percentage of turnover in boarders, and I’d personally appreciate a big heads up if a boarder had a possibility of leaving if I was a BO. If it’s a good barn, there may even be a wait list to get in.

[Scribbler]

[QUOTE=Come Shine;8740756]
Yes. My friend told me the other BO told her. And apparently others and apparently started a rumor that my friend’s barn was in trouble. I’m out if the loop on stuff and was just blown away when my friend told me how out of proportion everything had been blown. Unbelievable.

Just have to laugh.[/QUOTE]

So this is a bigger issue than just you moving. Also well beyond prospective BM quietly telling current BM you were shopping.

However, now you have some advance warning that you are contemplating moving into a snake-pit of back-biting gossip with a BM who has no filters and loves drama. I have to say, this would give me serious pause in considering the new barn. And it’s good to know all this about them before you move (or even visit the barn, it sounds like).

[SendenHorse]

First, I (personally) would have waiting till I had a job before mucking up the waters. I’ve learned that even when I think I have a job, it’s not done until it’s done.

I don’t agree with her going against what she said.

However, I have never heard of a confidentiality clause in barn shopping. People get really really sensitive about people moving, so I always proceed with caution here. I don’t know what makes this such a personal thing to some BOs, but it is.

This is also why i’m not friends with any barn staff, BOs, BMs, trainers to the degree the personal would come before the professional.

[Ghazzu]

While I think the original request was a bit odd, if someone agrees to it and then talks anyway, they’re liars.

I do understand why a prospective BO might be concerned–with all the tales on both sides of the business about whackjob horse owners and barn owners, she might be concerned that you are one of the former, and wanted to check on you before you signed a boarding agreement.

However, in that case, she ought to have demurred when you requested it be kept on the down low.

[Quelah]

@Come Shine;8740610

I even have it in writing that I asked the visit to remain in confidence and she agreed.

Unless they have a JD or an MD after their name, I don’t think that’s worth the paper it’s written on

[Lady_Eboshi]

[QUOTE=SendenHorse;8741097]
First, I (personally) would have waiting till I had a job before mucking up the waters. I’ve learned that even when I think I have a job, it’s not done until it’s done.

I don’t agree with her going against what she said.

However, I have never heard of a confidentiality clause in barn shopping. People get really really sensitive about people moving, so I always proceed with caution here. I don’t know what makes this such a personal thing to some BOs, but it is.

This is also why i’m not friends with any barn staff, BOs, BMs, trainers to the degree the personal would come before the professional.[/QUOTE]

And that is a very good thing! Life is MUCH less complicated if you keep “clients” and “friends” in separate categories mentally.

I’m going to generalize here, but IME the people who “get really really sensitive about people moving” are those who are insecure enough about their care, facility, or training skills to take the move PERSONALLY. Once again, this is seldom the case with truly professionally run stables, but it’s very commonplace with pro-wannabe ammies who are basically using boarders as a cash cow to pay for their own hobby, or have a loose grasp on the books and are actually losing money.

But a boarder is ALSO culpable who doesn’t treat the BO in a businesslike manner, telling them upfront what’s afoot “Hey, heads up Jane, this is WAY preliminary but I may have found a job in Xburg and if I get it, I might be moving by September.” That conversation would allow the BO to consider new inquiries for a stall, at least provisionally, in light of the fact that she may soon have one open. She can also let you know what kind of formal notice she requires. Advance notice is always appreciated, to say the least!

Now if a good friend’s client came to me, looking for a spot, and wink-wink keep this under your hat, willya? making it look like she’s sneaking around, the first thing most of us would likely do is call up Barn A and say, "Hey, your Missy B was just over here looking for a stall, and didn’t want you to know. What’s up with that?" Her answer just might save you taking on a ton of drama you don’t want–dispute, deadbeat, dingbat, divorce, or did something she doesn’t want anyone else to know about.

Barn owners, farriers, vets, hay men, etc. DO all talk to each other–that’s how we share knowledge of the “bad apples” NO ONE wants on their place.
You honestly cannot expect “confidentiality” from any of them.
Word gets around, and you have to expect it to. We are not lawyers, doctors, or your Mom.

Take home message: Be above board in all your dealings. If you don’t want anyone to know something, don’t do or say it to begin with. And a reputation follows you a long, long way. It’s not other people’s job to keep your “secrets” for you.

[BeeHoney]

Come Shine, I understand your frustration–you were trying to handle this in a sensitive manner and it got all mucked up.

However, for future reference, I think it is making things overly complicated (and perhaps a little weird) to try to keep your potential move a secret and request a confidential barn visit and then be upset when it wasn’t.

First of all, I think it is probably unrealistic to think that you can barn-shop in secrecy. Horse owners (clients), farriers, vets, workers, and BOs all circulate through a very small world. You had to have known there was a good chance word would get out. Also, from the perspective of a BO, I’d find such a request for secrecy as a bit of a red flag. Most people do not change barns in secret unless there is some kind of drama going on. Asking for secrecy either makes your current BO look bad (as if she couldn’t handle a simple, honest explanation) and it makes you look bad (as if you aren’t the kind of person who handles things in an up front manner). One last thing–I know you feel betrayed by this BO talking to your current BO, but your request–while a big deal to you–was likely read and responded to on a cell phone in a busy barn environment and may not have really registered or may have been quickly forgotten.

FWIW, a much better (more normal) way to have handled the situation would have been to alert your current BO that you might be changing jobs/moving, but don’t know yet, and that you might explore some boarding options in the area you are moving to just in case. One of my clients (who I also consider a good friend) did this a few months ago–she’s facing a move and some other big changes in her life and she let me know right away that there was a possibility she might move the horse. I know it was difficult for her to tell me, but I really appreciated her candor. That kind of directness made it really easy for me to wish her well with her life decisions (which I genuinely do, because we are friends!) and plan for a potential stall opening up on X date. Any awkwardness of me finding out through a third party that she was looking at other boarding barns was completely avoided. The horse has remained at my barn and our friendship is unscathed.

[AlterMeh]

I think if someone requests confidentiality for a simple walk-through, it’s an easy enough request to accommodate. If it moves beyond that, then a more in-depth conversation is required.

[Pennywell_Bay]

1. If I said I wasn’t going to say anything- I wouldn’t. I keep my word
2. I never assume this is the case with other people who I do not know. Especially horse people.
3. As a BO: I wouldn’t call up another BO if someone just wanted a walk through so that’s a red flag to boarder.
4. As a BO: someone asking to keep it on the DL may make me wonder if you were shady.

If the current BO was your friend (real friend not- we both love horses and I pay her monthly type of “friend”- there’s a difference), is she aware your situation may change (cuz that is the kind of thing real friends discuss). So it would NOT be offensive if she is a normal person (I assume she is if she is your “real” friend) that you may have to change your current arrangement.

I think the sentiment of wanting to spare her feelings is admirable, but it can come off as you are avoiding a situation that is uncomfortable for you, therefore coming off as shady.

A long time boarder of mine years ago situation changed, she said to me " I may be looking to move in the future, X is going on, I think I need to do self care blah blah". Me: “Thanks for the head’s up. Let me know if I can help”. A small farmette came available and I (gasp) TOLD her about it. It was closer to her etc etc. She moved. Gasp- we still touch base.

I have another client this happened with (not getting their own place) but they come back to me

So to your OP- unfortunately- no. I wouldn’t expect a stranger to keep their mouth shut. I just wouldn’t, maybe I’m just jaded.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no0qB8CVspY

[rothmpp]

I can understand OP’s desire for confidentiality. Current BO is a good friend. If OP does not end up with a new job/moving barns, why even put the thought into the head of the current BO?

I was contemplating switching barns last year. The horse community is indeed very small. When I talked to the BO of the barn I was looking at, I specifically asked her for discretion. She was very understanding, and even scheduled a time for me to come tour her place when she knew there would very little chance that there would be anyone else there. I decided that the other barn would not be a fit, but as far as I know, she never said a word to anyone as I have not heard anything in the gossip/rumor mill.

[toady123]

[QUOTE=BeeHoney;8741394]
Come Shine, I understand your frustration–you were trying to handle this in a sensitive manner and it got all mucked up.

However, for future reference, I think it is making things overly complicated (and perhaps a little weird) to try to keep your potential move a secret and request a confidential barn visit and then be upset when it wasn’t.

First of all, I think it is probably unrealistic to think that you can barn-shop in secrecy. Horse owners (clients), farriers, vets, workers, and BOs all circulate through a very small world. You had to have known there was a good chance word would get out. Also, from the perspective of a BO, I’d find such a request for secrecy as a bit of a red flag. Most people do not change barns in secret unless there is some kind of drama going on. Asking for secrecy either makes your current BO look bad (as if she couldn’t handle a simple, honest explanation) and it makes you look bad (as if you aren’t the kind of person who handles things in an up front manner). One last thing–I know you feel betrayed by this BO talking to your current BO, but your request–while a big deal to you–was likely read and responded to on a cell phone in a busy barn environment and may not have really registered or may have been quickly forgotten.

FWIW, a much better (more normal) way to have handled the situation would have been to alert your current BO that you might be changing jobs/moving, but don’t know yet, and that you might explore some boarding options in the area you are moving to just in case. One of my clients (who I also consider a good friend) did this a few months ago–she’s facing a move and some other big changes in her life and she let me know right away that there was a possibility she might move the horse. I know it was difficult for her to tell me, but I really appreciated her candor. That kind of directness made it really easy for me to wish her well with her life decisions (which I genuinely do, because we are friends!) and plan for a potential stall opening up on X date. Any awkwardness of me finding out through a third party that she was looking at other boarding barns was completely avoided. The horse has remained at my barn and our friendship is unscathed.[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. While the BO SHOULD have kept her word, the reality is that people don’t. Even in professional settings. I think when doing this kind of thing you have to assume word could get out and act accordingly. What if someone you know had seen you at the barn (who DIDN’T know you were shopping in confidence) and mentioned it to your current BO?

These things happen and unless you are dealing with a lunatic for a current BO I would say being honest is the best policy.