Boyfriend Is Jealous of Horse?

[KandC]

Or something. I’m not sure. But given that if I list my to do list for the day and explain I can’t see him (or cook him dinner in this particular instance), and the horse is on the list, I always get a “I’m always the last priority for you!”

I’m a second year vet student, dealing with a job, and keeping a greenie in show condition. I’ve already been to his place twice this week to do physicals on his sick dog (even though it had visited the vet twice already:no: she’ll get better! Be patient!). I had 2 exams and 3 quizzes last week, and the same this week on top of a gnarly GI bug (courtesy of my necropsy elective!).

I really do try to be a supportive girlfriend; I make a point to ask him about his week/day, go on 2 dates a week (even when I’d rather just stay in and Netflix), and go to 99% of the shows his band plays without question (and usually end up helping carry gear to/from the car). He’s been a great sport about horse shows and clinics, but when it comes to day-to-day riding, if I explain to him I have a financial responsibility to this horse, he gets bent out of shape. It’s ranged from being sad I have to leave in the mornings to ride, to getting mad a re-scheduled lesson interfered with dinner plans he made without telling me.

Today was kind of the last straw, since he was asking me to cook him dinner (WHY… WHY… I caught a disease from a dead cow- do you really want me cooking dinner?), and I said I had homework, laundry, cleaning, and wanted to squeeze in a ride on the lease kid.

I’m a very intense person, so I’m terrible at balancing. He knew this going into the semester and we set down some base rules regarding what he needs from me. I thought I stuck to those pretty well. Basically, how can I make him feel better? How do you guys balance your serious relationships with life and riding?

[Stacie]

If it wasn’t the horse it would be something else. He wants what HE wants. Find a guy who is happy to stay home and watch netflix with his busy, driven girlfriend instead of dragging her out on dates. Helping him lug equipment after a GIG? are you kidding me? He should be cooking YOU dinner.
Bad fit all around. Look for another one.

[Shorehorse]

For long term, husband material, either make sure he “gets” the horse thing, or is smart/confidant enough to let you have your own thing.

Odds are horses will always be part of your life, will he?

Not being harsh lol. Valid question. If he’s the one then it’s different.

[Mike_Matson]

Somewhere on an internet band forum is a frustrated guy telling his story about a gf that has a horse and looking for advice.

[WNT]

My experience is that if a guy doesn’t get it within couple of months, he’s not going to. It doesn’t matter if it horses or underwater basket weaving: if it infringes on HIS time, then it’s a problem. Or there will be a period of accommodation, followed by “if things get serious, the horse has to go” or some such nonsense.

[Dexter]

Mmmmm. Horse or boyfriend? I know who wins in my life! Especially if he expected me to make him dinner. Sweetie, here’s the take out menu - I’ll see you after I ride! And if he’s still there hopefully he ordered me dinner too!

[Sunflower]

Agree-- red flags all over this one. It is not just about the horse-- as others have said-- it is about mutual respect and support ( or lack thereof) and he sounds like he is not living up to his end of the relationship. This whole cook me dinner thing now with your gnarly dead cow bug is a red flag-- someone who wants YOU to cater to HIM without regard to your schedule, needs, whatever. That dynamic is not going to improve with time. It sounds like he wants ( perhaps without recognizing it) very traditional gender roles, with the woman cast in a supporting role, and that he becomes angry when your own life interferes with being his cheer leader. Run, do not walk, but run from this relationship.

[KandC]

I’d like him to be the one… but we met when I was a first year vet student, and had just retired my old competition horse so I had a lot of free time on my hands. I think he’s adjusting to it. He’s ok with the riding, but doesn’t like that it infringes on travel plans and it often means we can’t go to bars frequently. It just hasn’t become a problem until the last 3 months or so. It’s hard to pull the “but I’m busy” card because he’s a part time student with a full time job and in a band. We’re both busy; his schedule is more flexible: works from home, 3 classes, and can practice any time.

He loves being at the barn, and knew from the start “horses were here first, like it or leave” but I think he didn’t grasp that I piddled around with retired horse 2 times a week, but when I compete, I RIDE 4-5 times a week (as time allows).

He’s mentioned he’s not used to dating such “independent” girls, so it might just be that he’s still figuring out life with a horse junkie/driven/competitive girl. I love my boyfriend, but I also love my me time. I just wish he knew that my being busy and not particularly house-wifey (I love cooking and cleaning and all that good stuff, but right now, I’ve been eating soup from a can when I remember to eat!) is more temporary because of me being a student, and less me just blatantly not caring.

[drawstraws]

I agree with everyone else, provided that you are 100% certain that you are not, in fact, putting the horse ahead of him the majority of the time (not accusing, just saying to look at it objectively and make sure that he doesn’t have at least a small point). This is coming from someone who spent seven years battling this same fight. Mine was a bareback rider (rodeo) from Texas so I thought that he would “get” the horse thing. I was wrong. However, even having been single ever since then, I’m better off. You may be too.

[SnicklefritzG]

OP, I feel bad for you, but consider your horse a test of sorts for the men in your life. If they can’t support you now (emotionally not financially) while dating, then it probably won’t be any different in a long term committed relationship.

I once dated a guy who had a hard time with the horse thing. He would always ask questions like, how much is it going to cost for me to send my horse to the trainer, how much time am I going to spend riding, etc. There were never any comments about how he could support me (emotionally that is) in any equestrian activities. To him, love meant me giving up some of these interests to support him in what he wanted to do. It was awkward because my horse was with the trainer at the time and I was spending most of my free time participating in his hobbies.

A relationship needs to be a partnership. If there isn’t support on both sides it’s not going to work long term.

[DJohn]

I had a boyfriend like that once. Had. I agree with the other poster that said if it wasn’t horses it’d be something else. He’s trying to control you.

I ride everyday after work, and bird for hours on the weekends. That’s just the way it is. You’re either with me as it is, or you aren’t. You’re being way too accommodating!

[KandC]

The cook me dinner was bizarre. Neither of us are particularly religious, but he was like “You should totally cook me an Easter dinner tonight if I pick up the ingredients. Nothing fancy- just like chicken, corn and potatoes.” Or I could eat my microwaved soup while staring at a textbook like I was planning too.

I have told him I love to cook and I am pretty good at it. Just don’t have the time right now.

I will add- he’s never batted an eye at the finances. He completely understands quality over quantity and that I work hard for what I have. I think he just balks at the time commitment sometimes.

[arapaloosa_lady]

Well, the way he sees it is that your hobby ranks higher than him - you see him when you can squeeze him in your schedule after everything else. And that’s fine, if that’s the way you prioritize your life. I do the same thing sometimes - my sanity needs me to spend time decompressing. My boyfriend hates it when I’m too busy to see him, but he kind of understands. If you’ve never been through something similar to med or vet school, it’s difficult to truly understand the schedule & stress level.

[Larksmom]

tell him the best thing you make for dinner are reservations! I know most here will say cast him asunder, and maybe that is the best thing. But, if I read you correctly, you are sharing a home and tossing him to the curb could be wrenching, not to mention distracting you from your studies. If he will NOT hold up his end of the agreement, maybe stop being so handy for him. Hauling speakers and band equipment?!

[cheerio280]

Damn girl. I’m also a vet student, and I can barely keep up with school and the horses, let alone a job or a relationship.

I think you’re being very supportive of your SO, and it doesn’t sound like he is returning the favor.

[KandC]

Oh no- we don’t live together (he would love to, but we’ve only been together a year/super religious parents on my end).

I really don’t mind hauling gear and I like the music his band plays; he’s a great horse show boyfriend (getting drinks, filming rounds, holding the lease kid)!

Just a little miffed about the “Cook me dinner. No? Well, I’m just gonna sulk now.” especially after catching (his) dog’s vomit in my hands last night so it wouldn’t ruin his car, and then leaving me to walk the dog down a strip mall to PetCo…

I think it’s just that this is his first adult serious relationship. He does things that are inconsiderate from time to time more from a maturity level, but then again, so do I!

I don’t know- whenever I say I’m gonna ride, past boyfriends have offered to come with or happily done their own thing.

It’s just two pretty self-absorbed, self-sufficient people trying to find balance with one another.

[KandC]

Plus- who wants the Crypto Kid to cook your food?!? What is wrong with him??:lol:

[Shorehorse]

Maybe it was just a bad day? People get weird around holidays.

I would wait a day and approach him with a “hey, so what happened the other day…?”

Or better yet, maybe he will realize he was a jerk and apologize? If he does he’s a keeper

[Amiblue]

It will get worse when you have a baby. Just giving you a heads up on that.

This is not a relationship you are really going to want. He isn’t going to change (I know). It starts off like this. He may get a bit better to “appease” you, but once you are back on the line, it starts again. Eventually you start to get worn down and compromise (he won’t). You knock off a ride a week, then two. You cook every night and keep the house spotless, but there will always be something. Next thing you know, you are home with kids maintaining “his” house as he does what he wants with “his” money and you are only worth his beck and call. And even then, it won’t be enough. Yep, sad life. From personal experience, walk away from this one. You are smart, motivated and going places. Get someone who really understands that, supports and loves you for everything you are. You aren’t worth the compromise. I wish someone had knocked that into my head.

[Sunflower]

[QUOTE=Amiblue;8090731]
It will get worse when you have a baby. Just giving you a heads up on that.

This is not a relationship you are really going to want. He isn’t going to change (I know). It starts off like this. He may get a bit better to “appease” you, but once you are back on the line, it starts again. Eventually you start to get worn down and compromise (he won’t). You knock off a ride a week, then two. You cook every night and keep the house spotless, but there will always be something. Next thing you know, you are home with kids maintaining “his” house as he does what he wants with “his” money and you are only worth his beck and call. And even then, it won’t be enough. Yep, sad life. From personal experience, walk away from this one. You are smart, motivated and going places. Get someone who really understands that, supports and loves you for everything you are. You aren’t worth the compromise. I wish someone had knocked that into my head.[/QUOTE]

This!!!