[QUOTE=KandC;8090687]
I’d like him to be the one… [/QUOTE]
OP, I would have liked to have found the one by now too but the problem is YOU wanting someone to be the one does not make them the one.
THEY have to want to be the one for you (and YOU have to want to be the one for them).
I’m not seeing it for you and him based on what you describe.
I don’t even see this as all about the horse, you’re in vet school for Christ’s sake.
N-o, N-o, N-o :no:
There are definitely awesome, supportive guys out there. My current guy is one. He’s an insanely busy contractor, often on the road, and up waaaaaay before me. If he’s driving by my place, he’ll stop in, throw hay down and leave me a coffee (without waking me up). In the winter the driveway was plowed and my truck cleaned off! He even picks up feed and shavings for me. And pays for them! And this is without me asking! He’s a keeper 
In comparison my ex threatened to have my horses shipped for meat. Current guy picked up a backhoe and buried my old horse for me…
So… The moral of my story is that the right supportive guy is out there!
Good luck!
I have to chime in and say that we had these issues (“you love your horses more than you love me”) but they HAVE been resolved. I just spent 8 out of 10 days competing at Pin Oak and staying there in my LQ trailer. My dear husband took care of the horses at home during that time and NEVER complained. I have tried to spend time with him this week and have cooked dinner almost every night this week as a way to say “thank you, I really appreciate you being cool with me spending 8 days at a horse show.”
So, it is possible to get past this issue but you need to come to an agreement about it since you aren’t going to give up horses in order to be there whenever he wants to do something.
No realtionship is perfect and you have to decide what you are willing to try to work through.
I’ve tangled with controlling/abusive before (cut that off real fast), and I don’t get controlling and manipulative vibe from him as much as I get excited. He’s very excited to be with me. Think dog boyfriend dating cat girlfriend. (April and Andy if anyone watches Parks & Rec).
He’s okay 75% of the time, but 25% of the time (usually horses are involved), he gets bothered about not being able to spend as much time with me as he would like. He loves the horse shows and loves the clinics, but just struggles with me not being available all the time.
It may also be home life growing up; I have a dad who is a surgeon, and has numerous hobbies, so I got very used to my dad needing “his time” outside of work and family. So to me, the come home, ride, and then “I’m exhausted, good night.” is pretty standard in a happy relationship.
He’s big on lavish gestures. Always planning surprises and what not, but I struggle to do that for him on a tight budget, and sometimes (a lot of the time), my plans to do surprises for him fall by the way side because there’s a colic bill or an exam.
[QUOTE=KandC;8090760]
I’ve tangled with controlling/abusive before (cut that off real fast), and I don’t get controlling and manipulative vibe from him as much as I get excited. He’s very excited to be with me. Think dog boyfriend dating cat girlfriend. (April and Andy if anyone watches Parks & Rec).
He’s okay 75% of the time, but 25% of the time (usually horses are involved), he gets bothered about not being able to spend as much time with me as he would like. He loves the horse shows and loves the clinics, but just struggles with me not being available all the time.
It may also be home life growing up; I have a dad who is a surgeon, and has numerous hobbies, so I got very used to my dad needing “his time” outside of work and family. So to me, the come home, ride, and then “I’m exhausted, good night.” is pretty standard in a happy relationship.[/QUOTE]
EVERYONE needs “ME TIME”. Everyone.
It’s part of any successful, happy relationship. You simply cannot be together 24/7, with all the same interests. It won’t work.
He has his interests and you have yours. And horses take a lot of TIME and MONEY. It’s better he get that now. And if he can’t handle it, find one who can. There are men out there who understand that happy wife means happy life. My husband is well aware that my horse will be fed long before he is.
[QUOTE=KandC;8090760]
I’ve tangled with controlling/abusive before (cut that off real fast), and I don’t get controlling and manipulative vibe from him as much as I get excited. He’s very excited to be with me. Think dog boyfriend dating cat girlfriend. (April and Andy if anyone watches Parks & Rec).
He’s okay 75% of the time, but 25% of the time (usually horses are involved), he gets bothered about not being able to spend as much time with me as he would like. He loves the horse shows and loves the clinics, but just struggles with me not being available all the time.
It may also be home life growing up; I have a dad who is a surgeon, and has numerous hobbies, so I got very used to my dad needing “his time” outside of work and family. So to me, the come home, ride, and then “I’m exhausted, good night.” is pretty standard in a happy relationship.
He’s big on lavish gestures. Always planning surprises and what not, but I struggle to do that for him on a tight budget, and sometimes (a lot of the time), my plans to do surprises for him fall by the way side because there’s a colic bill or an exam.[/QUOTE]
You keep phrasing this from when the relationship is or is not ok for HIM.
But on a scale of one to ten, would you rate the relationship as it currently is (not how you would like it to be), at least an 8? IS he an 8 or would you LIKE him to be an 8?
Because if you would rate it less than an 8, continuing to stay with him just means you are depriving yourself of finding an 8(+).
[QUOTE=KandC;8090709]
Oh no- we don’t live together (he would love to, but we’ve only been together a year/super religious parents on my end).
I really don’t mind hauling gear and I like the music his band plays; he’s a great horse show boyfriend (getting drinks, filming rounds, holding the lease kid)!
Just a little miffed about the “Cook me dinner. No? Well, I’m just gonna sulk now.” especially after catching (his) dog’s vomit in my hands last night so it wouldn’t ruin his car, and then leaving me to walk the dog down a strip mall to PetCo…
I think it’s just that this is his first adult serious relationship. He does things that are inconsiderate from time to time more from a maturity level, but then again, so do I!
I don’t know- whenever I say I’m gonna ride, past boyfriends have offered to come with or happily done their own thing.
It’s just two pretty self-absorbed, self-sufficient people trying to find balance with one another.[/QUOTE]
Bye, Felipe.
Leaving you to walk the dog after it vomits on you? Pouting because you won’t cook dinner during a busy week? No, sir. If this is a repeated pattern of behavior, he needs to go.
[QUOTE=Dexter;8090752]
There are definitely awesome, supportive guys out there. My current guy is one. He’s an insanely busy contractor, often on the road, and up waaaaaay before me. If he’s driving by my place, he’ll stop in, throw hay down and leave me a coffee (without waking me up). In the winter the driveway was plowed and my truck cleaned off! He even picks up feed and shavings for me. And pays for them! And this is without me asking! He’s a keeper
In comparison my ex threatened to have my horses shipped for meat. Current guy picked up a backhoe and buried my old horse for me…
So… The moral of my story is that the right supportive guy is out there!
Good luck![/QUOTE]
This…where do I find one like this? KEEPER.
Another thing to consider is that he knows that your profession will continue to mean long hours and upheaval of dinner times.
I can’t tell you how many meals have been ruined by emergency calls.
Or plans changed.
It is just the way it is.
I would definitely rate him an 8 or a 9. He’s very supportive of me and pretty understanding of my schedule (most of the time), especially this summer when I was working nights. Honestly, I think it’s all still pretty new to him being with a very driven, independent Type A girl. If we ironed out this horse/time schedule bickering, I think I would have zero complaints about this relationship. It’s a very trusting, pretty healthy relationship.
We’re really compatible in most aspects- definitely very complimentary of each other. We’re one of those couples that are always happily together, but comfortable spending time apart. I guess, we like to be together, but it’s not the end of the world if one goes out without the other. I love spending time with him and having him around; I just get very drained at work/school and need time to people detox, which is hard for him to understand. I’m very demanding emotionally on him, so I’m sure I short-change him sometimes by being unavailable.
I don’t know- when I describe my ideal guy, he ticks off 90% of the boxes and he makes me really happy. It’s hard for me to find someone I can want to spend all of my time with and not have them drive me insane.
[QUOTE=roseymare;8090779]
Another thing to consider is that he knows that your profession will continue to mean long hours and upheaval of dinner times.
I can’t tell you how many meals have been ruined by emergency calls.
Or plans changed.
It is just the way it is.[/QUOTE]
And I have warned him about my profession/schedule. Especially because I would like to be a small animal emergency medicine/critical specialist (setting myself up for failure!).
He got a taste of it this summer with me working nights/evenings this summer, and was pretty happy with it. The whole 40 hours of school +40 hours of studying and-oh I have to ride-is enough to wear any dude down, I’m sure.
[QUOTE=Dexter;8090752]
There are definitely awesome, supportive guys out there. My current guy is one. He’s an insanely busy contractor, often on the road, and up waaaaaay before me. If he’s driving by my place, he’ll stop in, throw hay down and leave me a coffee (without waking me up). In the winter the driveway was plowed and my truck cleaned off! He even picks up feed and shavings for me. And pays for them! And this is without me asking! He’s a keeper
In comparison my ex threatened to have my horses shipped for meat. Current guy picked up a backhoe and buried my old horse for me…
So… The moral of my story is that the right supportive guy is out there!
Good luck![/QUOTE]
UHHHH where did you get him, and how do I find one? LOL
sounds like a real sweetheart, good for you
Actually after your initial input you should be pretty good on time. Lots of ER clinics are 3 days on and 4 days off or longer.
“he’s mentioned he’s not used to dating such ‘independent’ girls”
Excuse me? Explain to me how a person, presumably in his 20s is “not used to dating independent women.” Has he been living in a time warp? Under a rock? From the day he was born, a person this age would have been exposed to many examples of independent women. I hear this excuse from men over 50 alot, but, from a 20-yo? I would be going around singing him that song that goes, “Don’t go cryin, to your mamma, 'cause you’re on your own.” You are not this guy’s mommy. It is not your job to make him dinner when you are busy and tired and recovering from a bug and in need of the emotional restoration you get from riding.
I think alot of men say they like independent women, and they do as long as it reflects well upon them and they like the things that go along with the woman’s lifestyle. But, when they want to be #1 and they aren’t, they get sulky and childish. I personally cannot stand this, but, it’s your decision as to what you are comfortable putting up with. I would encourage you, though, to think about what your life will be like when you’re done with school and are in a new job, having to work the hours required by your new practice, maybe having to move to join a practice, being tired from working and not interested in making him dinner or agreeing to go along with his unannounced plans, etc. I don’t necessarily think you need to dump the guy tomorrow, but, just saying that if I were in your shoes, I would be pleasant but firm, and explain that this is where your life is right now and you’d love him to be able to share it, but you have goals and you mean to stick to them, and he needs to understand that he will have to fit in with those goals, as you’re not changing them.
guess what? you have found another controlling abuser. he’s showing all the signs and there are red flags right in your face and you just don’t want to see them. "not used to such independent women " HUGE red flag.
men who are "the one " don’t behave like this, honey. they are happy you are doing what makes you happy and are grown up enough to keep themselves happily occupied in your absence. Maybe just focus on school for now and skip dating until later? Unless you happen to find a grown up who doesn’t need to control you. But this type of man could be a pattern with you, based on what you wrote here. I suggest you dial back the relationship.
[QUOTE=Amiblue;8090731]
It will get worse when you have a baby. Just giving you a heads up on that.
This is not a relationship you are really going to want. He isn’t going to change (I know). It starts off like this. He may get a bit better to “appease” you, but once you are back on the line, it starts again. Eventually you start to get worn down and compromise (he won’t). You knock off a ride a week, then two. You cook every night and keep the house spotless, but there will always be something. Next thing you know, you are home with kids maintaining “his” house as he does what he wants with “his” money and you are only worth his beck and call. And even then, it won’t be enough. Yep, sad life. From personal experience, walk away from this one. You are smart, motivated and going places. Get someone who really understands that, supports and loves you for everything you are. You aren’t worth the compromise. I wish someone had knocked that into my head.[/QUOTE]
Also this. I got snookered into giving up an AMAZING half-lease because my BF was whining that I was “always” at the barn (4x/week?) and he waaaaaahnted to do things together. So I gave up riding, he got a road bike so we could ride together (another of my hobbies,) and the thing sat in the garage along with mine. He wanted us to do what he wanted.
And then he wanted me to serve him dinner on a tray. That was the last straw. But it took many straws before I realized that he was very controlling and not all that interested in my life.
If your BF is having trouble with your, “independence,” this likely isn’t a good match for you. I also wish someone had knocked this into my head. So many of us have learned this mistake over and over.
ETA: I did learn, though. Was helping a later BF cook dinner when he started in on me about how he was jealous of the time I spend with my cats, after I’d canceled a date because my cat was hospitalized and I was visiting my cat in said hospital. I put the food down, picked up my coat, and walked out. Never spoke to him again.
[QUOTE=CaitlinandTheBay;8090771]
Bye, Felipe.
Leaving you to walk the dog after it vomits on you? Pouting because you won’t cook dinner during a busy week? No, sir. If this is a repeated pattern of behavior, he needs to go.[/QUOTE]
Exactly. If he acts this way with the dog, just imagine how needy and helpless he will be if you get pregnant. Send him back to his momma; she raised him to behave this way. It doesn’t matter if this is his first serious adult relationship or not. He needs to go. It is the pouting and guilt trips that would be the big, huge red flags for me.
To be honest, he should have cooked for you.
You can not rely on someone else to make you happy. That is the mistake he is making.
I feel your eyes have opened and you will start to outgrow this relationship.
When you are a vet, you need someone who will look after you. Have dinner waiting for you when you get in at whatever time and warm you up in bed if you are freezing.
[QUOTE=SuzieQNutter;8090830]
To be honest, he should have cooked for you.
When you are a vet, you need someone who will look after you. Have dinner waiting for you when you get in at whatever time and warm you up in bed if you are freezing.[/QUOTE]
YES!!!
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