Boyfriend Is Jealous of Horse?

[CaitlinandTheBay]

[QUOTE=SuzieQNutter;8090830]
To be honest, he should have cooked for you.

You can not rely on someone else to make you happy. That is the mistake he is making.

I feel your eyes have opened and you will start to outgrow this relationship.

When you are a vet, you need someone who will look after you. Have dinner waiting for you when you get in at whatever time and warm you up in bed if you are freezing.[/QUOTE]

I’m not going to say he should have cooked for her, but it would have been nice to have cooked for her. If he’d just said “okay babe, I understand. Hope you feel better soon! Don’t forget to open a can of soup.” The most supportive response? No, but an acceptable response for a slightly disappointed partner.

[CaitlinandTheBay]

[QUOTE=SuzieQNutter;8090830]
To be honest, he should have cooked for you.

You can not rely on someone else to make you happy. That is the mistake he is making.

I feel your eyes have opened and you will start to outgrow this relationship.

When you are a vet, you need someone who will look after you. Have dinner waiting for you when you get in at whatever time and warm you up in bed if you are freezing.[/QUOTE]

I’m not going to say he should have cooked for her, but it would have been nice to have cooked for her. If he’d just said “okay babe, I understand. Hope you feel better soon! Don’t forget to open a can of soup.” The most supportive response? No, but an acceptable response for a slightly disappointed partner.

[ohmissbrittany]

It took years of searching, but I’ve finally met (and am about to marry) the kind of guy who goes to the barn to pick my horse’s feet- AND help me Skype with my pony- when I travel for several weeks for work. He understands the big financial/emotional/time commitment. I’d say keep looking, and try to find a man with a hobby or passion of his own. Current Fella’s either too immature to understand a commitment/passion like this, or too stupid to realize most women will pick their horse if it becomes an “OR ME” question.

[Kwill]

Nobody wants to be lonely, but take it from an old “war mare” – nothing lonelier than being in an unhappy relationship.

I have to agree with the others – he doesn’t sound like the one. He’s being super nice right now because he’s into the chase. Once he’s got you, well, that’s another story.

[myrna]

stop making excuses for him.you are a strong woman,working towards your goals. i was married to a self employed musician for 20 years.had 3 children and worked full time.he was not supportive of any of my or the kids activities if they didn’t involve him.there is a good reason why he is an ex…my SO now of almost 20 years is wonderful.we both support each others passions and have almost 8 grandkids between our children.If one of us is not there to cook,then the other one does it.That is what a relationship should be.

[Sunflower]

[QUOTE=KandC;8090760]
he gets bothered about not being able to spend as much time with me as he would like. He loves the horse shows and loves the clinics, but just struggles with me not being available all the time.

He’s big on lavish gestures. Always planning surprises and what not, .[/QUOTE]

Red flags 1 and 2.

Do some reading on the cycle of abusive relationships.

[Monica67]

@KandC;8090760

He loves the horse shows and loves the clinics, but just struggles with me not being available all the time.

If he really loves the horse shows and the clinics, he would not be struggling with your availability.

A true partner is supportive.

[Ruth0552]

Eventually you will meet someone who puts you first and that you will be willing to put above the horse. That’s my experience.

[JanM]

I think you’re overlooking his controlling nature, because you don’t want to be alone. He’s not supportive, he’s faking it. That covers up for the times he’s jealous, and resents you being away from him. In his world everything revolves around him, and he will only get worse if you allow him to isolate you, and stop you from doing what you want to do. He’s not a keeper, and you’ll be lucky if you get away from him without him becoming worse. Find someone who accepts you for who and what you are, and not someone who wants to control your every move, and be the center of your universe at all times.

[californianinkansas]

His behaviors are huge red flags that are very often the start of a very slippery slope.
This link might help:
https://womensrefuge.org.nz/users/Image/Downloads/PDFs/Factsheet13%20%20Power%20&%20Control%20Wheel%20English.pdf

[st_francis]

Lots of good observations here, one thing from my personal experience to add- most of the time when a guy says he like independent women what he really means is he wants someone who can look after themselves because he isn’t going to. They tend to be selfish takers , not people who respect you for your abilities and intelligence .

Sure wish I’d had that little piece of info when I was your age, would have saved me a lot of time.

[WendellsGirl]

Sounds like forcing a square peg in a round hole…when you find ‘the one’ it just isn’t that hard for things to gel together. Your schedule is crazy. I can’t imagine keeping up with it plus working to find a compromise on boyfriend’s requests. It (meaning a boyfriend relationship) should just come easier than this one’s making it!

[KandC]

So we sat down last night and had a chat.

I laid out I ride 4-5 times a week or more; he knew this going in, and it won’t change. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave.

His response was that he’s just frustrated by me being so busy he feels like his needs get ignored because I’m so focused on school and horses. He thought it would get better, because I told him it would eventually. YES. WHEN I GRADUATE. He acknowledged he brought up the dinner thing poorly; he wanted to cook together, not realizing I had a lot of things to do.

Let me make it clear, he’s never stopped me from riding. Sometimes he’s grumped about me having to push dates back for riding, or me waking up (and accidentally waking him up) early. He’s offered to clean tack, groom horses, etc. He’s also not cutting me off from anyone; I am free to have my own life. I go out with girlfriends as much as vet school allows, and have a solid relationship with my parents (that he encourages). As far as gifts go, he’s a 24 year old with a decent amount of disposable income, so he’s free to spend it how he chooses. He’s never complained about me spending money on horses, and recognizes that that is how I choose to spend my money.

I definitely acknowledge that this could evolve into a larger problem, but right now, I see it as a 24 year old boy who feels sidelined by his very busy girlfriend. So we’re proceeding with caution.

[HappyTalk]

[QUOTE=KandC;8090687]

He’s mentioned he’s not used to dating such “independent” girls, [/QUOTE]

This is a red flag. Sadly, I had to learn it from experience. Ex DH was good about the horses… for a while. Accompanied me to the barn and shows. Liked to hang out and talk with the people. That all gradually changed. During one of our pre-divorce arguments he screamed at me that I was like a “bronco and that he couldn’t control me”. I only rode every other day and only had one horse. I also had a good job. I didn’t make as much as he, but I more than pulled my weight (even with my horse’s expenses).

Look at his parents’ relationship. My ex’s mom NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE and never worked. She was totally dependent on her husband and a total housewife. My husband’s upbringing and expectations definitely factored into our marital problems.

[Monica67]

[QUOTE=st_francis;8090964]
most of the time when a guy says he like independent women what he really means is he wants someone who can look after themselves because he isn’t going to. [/QUOTE]

Please print this out and hang it on your bathroom mirror, monitor etc.

[2tempe]

OP - just a story for you to think about:
I met my (ex) husband in grad school - we were both working full time, doing school and I had a horse. Just a trail riding situation, I rode usually three days/week.

We dated for a year, then got married, mid 20’s. Every fight we had the first 2.5 years or so included: “And you spend so much GD time and money on that horse”.

So I sold the horse. Next thing I knew was that he resented something about my job. I was supposed to cook dinner, didn’t matter if I had to stay to finish a report or project. He hated that I traveled on business. He didn’t care if I had a bad day. He didn’t want to attend any work functions with me.

I thought about his formative years - stay at home mom, 5 sisters who helped around the house, dad and son did close to nothing except get waited on.

Marriage ended at 5 years, I moved out, took boots and saddle and was back on a horse in about 5 days. He went on to marry his secretary (YES!) who became the stay-at-home mom with three kids who doted on him. They are still married 30 years later.

Your story is giving me bad vibes. I’m not sensing it will get better.

[Countrywood]

OP, no matter what people do in pointing out the reality, you jump in to defend him and make excuses for his actions, which is classic hallmark of an abusive relationship…the “victim” is always defending her abuser right down to that last hospital ride. This may never turn physically abusive but controlling and emotionally maniuplative is already in play. Is this the 1950’s? He wants you to cook dinner for him? Guys cook now too or at least would pitch in and help a super busy gf . You’ve been given a heads up and are burying your head in the sand, so many good books on the subject stay ignorant if you want , a shame as you must be very intelligent to be in vet school, but abuse is a gravitational emotional pull and very smart people can become emeshed in it sorry to say. PS lavish gestures are hallmarks of abusers, normal guys who are nice all the time don’t need to do that, the lavish gestures are to keep you off balance and taking it the rest of the time

[S1969]

[QUOTE=KandC;8090991]
I definitely acknowledge that this could evolve into a larger problem, but right now, I see it as a 24 year old boy who feels sidelined by his very busy girlfriend. So we’re proceeding with caution.[/QUOTE]

I think this is wise. I know that there are others on COTH that have gone through bad and/or abusive relationships, but it is possible that this is not one of them. And that this is just a guy who never had an adult relationship before (only girlfriends in high school or college, where the relationship was the “thing” you did…not something you have in addition to the “things” you do.)

So long as you are keeping your eyes open, I would not presume you are in serious danger of an abusive relationship. And, actually, I know someone just like you who broke up with her boyfriend for a while at that same age, dated other people, and they got back together - he matured in the interim and decided that he was able to manage all of the “things” between them AND the relationship.

[cheerio280]

[QUOTE=KandC;8090991]

I definitely acknowledge that this could evolve into a larger problem, but right now, I see it as a 24 year old boy who feels sidelined by his very busy girlfriend. So we’re proceeding with caution.[/QUOTE]

It’s hard for anyone to judge your relationship without knowing your or your boyfriend, and especially when you came on here to vent about him. I obviously would take everyone’s advice seriously, but besides occasionally being frustrated with him you seem like you’re generally pretty happy in the relationship. So I don’t think it’s fair for everyone to tell you to run away now. Just continue to be aware of the issues, and make sure that YOU are still happy

[Countrywood]

I have never been in an abusive relationship , but know some people including friends and family who have… one important perspective one gains with age is that (generally), people are who they are quite young and very few outgrow their innate character …this guy may be young but he is who he is, the good and the bad…she may find more good than bad and see if he is really capable of handling being with a busy accomplished woman who has outside interests.