Boyfriend Is Jealous of Horse?

[SweetMutt]

I’ve been in a few of these relationships. You seem well aware of this already, but IME it’s not really about the horses - it’s about him feeling insecure and like you don’t care about him or allot him your emotional energy the same way he does you. This was generally correct in my case - not that I disliked them all, just that they crossed my mind during the day somewhere amidst my meeting schedule and budget and whether horsey will be good today and how much sleep I’ll get tonight. Most of them were fine, they just needed more of my emotional real estate then I have to offer. Not saying this won’t work out for you - just illustrating where he’s probably coming from.

It’s also easy to be resentful of each other when you feel like the other is depriving you of something precious - you, your me time; him, his time with you.

[KandC]

I am definitely taking everyone’s advice to heart. My gut isn’t telling me run (first red flag in a year of dating), but definitely to proceed with caution.

I’ll be bringing it up with my therapist, who is pretty familiar with our relationship, and see what she thinks.

I definitely wanted to see what you COTHers had to say. Many of you have way more life experience than me, and that is valuable! I’m taking it to heart, being careful, and keeping a watchful eye.

[Ambitious_Kate]

I would have a frank talk with him and let him know (this is what you should have said from the outset of even dating) that you have a horse, are in vet school, and your time is very limited at this time. You love him, you want to see him, but you don’t have more than a couple of nights a week for socializing. If he can deal with that, that’s great, but if he can’t, "I’m sorry, but that’s all I have right now. Yes, my priorities are competition and school. That isn’t going to change. If you would like to be a part of my life, I would like to be a part of yours, but please don’t expect me to change. These are my priorities and they are very important to me.

Tell him that you realize it would probably take someone who is secure with himself and who has many activities of his own to occupy him when we arent’ together, and that doesn’t look like its him, so you will understand if he can’t deal with this. If he can’t, it may be that you two are in two different phases of your lives, and that’s alright - he wants more time and commitment from you and you have other priorities at this time.

Frankly, this isn’t the man for you. He isn’t going to change. It isn’t going to get better. He is a resentful type of person. You need someone who understands you and is supportive. I would definitely move on, if I were you.

“Sorry, this isn’t working out for me.”

Because I know this is how I am, personally, I tell men when I first meet them. I tell them I have a horse, it takes up most of my leisure day hours, but my nights are more relaxed, but I am also in school and need to have privacy to study, (when this was true) and these priorities aren’t going to change.

[rockymouse]

OP, I just wanted to point out that in your post before the one above, you called him a “24 year old boy.”

From what I’ve read, he sounds awfully immature. I think you might agree.

Good idea to bring up these issues with your therapist. Best of luck - you sound like a real go-getter and a catch, to boot. Just don’t settle. I’ve seen lots of women settle, some of them for babyish men. Those babyish men don’t change…or at least, I’ve never seen it.

[Alagirl]

[QUOTE=rockymouse;8091102]
OP, I just wanted to point out that in your post before the one above, you called him a “24 year old boy.”

From what I’ve read, he sounds awfully immature. I think you might agree.

Good idea to bring up these issues with your therapist. Best of luck - you sound like a real go-getter and a catch, to boot. Just don’t settle. I’ve seen lots of women settle, some of them for babyish men. Those babyish men don’t change…or at least, I’ve never seen it.[/QUOTE]
They might change, but only after the 2nd or third wife…

[Countrywood]

Glad you are bringing it up with therapist (How do you have time for that too …) Anyway I re read original post and he sounds like a narcissist, me me me…people typically don’t change much and at 24 all he will get is less cute as time goes by. Best of luck, if this does not work out maybe date casually till school is done, unless you find a guy who has as much going for himself as you do ! (In which case he will be equally busy )

[californianinkansas]

At twenty-four he is not a boy. He is a man. His brain is fully formed by the age of 24.

He apppears to have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old boy with his first crush on a girl.

Please, please read the Wheel of Power and Control that I linked to earlier.

[babecakes]

You’re young and hormonal, when you get older you’ll recognize this for what it is. :lol:

[Ambitious_Kate]

OP, this isn’t about keeping a watchful eye. Its about seeing and recognizing what your boyfriend has been telling you since you met him. He isn’t mature enough to handle a woman with interests other than him. I mean, really! What are you watching for? More signs of the same? Because that’s what you will be getting. More signs that he can’t handle you having interests other than him.

This isn’t “keeping a watchful eye”. Its deciding if this is how you want to live, with someone pulling at you about how you spend time without him. You don’t need to “watch” any more, you’ve already seen. Question is, are you going to ignore your gut or compromise yourself, your intelligence, your life choices, your ambitions, for a childish boy who can’t share you with other activites? Really! It doesn’t get better! It gets worse! What if you get engaged? Or move in together? or, please don’t, married? And he really begins to see you as “his”? And sees your time as his? Please move on. You are far too young to be constricted like this. No woman should be at any age, but really. You can do better, find someone intellectually AND emotionally your equal. This one ain’t.

[californianinkansas]

[QUOTE=Countrywood;8091018]
OP, no matter what people do in pointing out the reality, you jump in to defend him and make excuses for his actions, which is classic hallmark of an abusive relationship…the “victim” is always defending her abuser right down to that last hospital ride. This may never turn physically abusive but controlling and emotionally maniuplative is already in play. Is this the 1950’s? He wants you to cook dinner for him? Guys cook now too or at least would pitch in and help a super busy gf . You’ve been given a heads up and are burying your head in the sand, so many good books on the subject stay ignorant if you want , a shame as you must be very intelligent to be in vet school, but abuse is a gravitational emotional pull and very smart people can become emeshed in it sorry to say. PS lavish gestures are hallmarks of abusers, normal guys who are nice all the time don’t need to do that, the lavish gestures are to keep you off balance and taking it the rest of the time[/QUOTE]

Exactly right. I’ve seen this exact dynamic too many times to count.

OP, what is the structure of his family of origin?

Pretend that his family of origin is a herd of horses, and that your trainer made you sit in the pasture for a day or two to watch how each memeber of the herd interacts with each other. How does his mother interact with his father (even if they are not still together) and vice versa? How does his mother interact with him? What are the observable power dynamics in his family?

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Be well,
Amber

[Ambitious_Kate]

Yeah, watch how his mother is. That’s pretty much what he’s going to expect from you.

[Ambitious_Kate]

[QUOTE=KandC;8091078]
. My gut isn’t telling me run (first red flag in a year of dating),.[/QUOTE]

Your gut should be telling you to run. In fact, if you are honest, your gut IS telling you to run. Its telling you this isn’t right, and you don’t have enough exprience to turn around and walk the other way, but your gut is telling you to do it. And, this is NOT your first red flag. If you look carefully, you’ve been seeing this kind of dissatisfied expectations from him, expressing dissapoigntments, lack of respect for you and your prioroties b efore from the beginning. Its not the first red flag.

[KandC]

[QUOTE=californianinkansas;8091161]
At twenty-four he is not a boy. He is a man. His brain is fully formed by the age of 24.

He apppears to have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old boy with his first crush on a girl.

Please, please read the Wheel of Power and Control that I linked to earlier.[/QUOTE]

I read the Wheel of Power. Only check was jealousy to justify actions (“horses get more attention than me”). Otherwise, fits none of the criteria. He’s very kind and adores his dog. Loves my guinea pigs, and is very good to them once I set some boundaries in place (wanted to handle them the second he met them; they needed to adjust to him and now they like him a lot). Both horses love him.

[KandC]

[QUOTE=Ambitious Kate;8091181]
Yeah, watch how his mother is. That’s pretty much what he’s going to expect from you.[/QUOTE]

Mother is the alpha mare. :lol: Calls all the shots in the family. Father works full time, mother works part time. Both parents are involved with the kids; honestly, father is probably more involved in the kids than the mom.

Boyfriend definitely hates disappointing his mom, and seems to really love her. She’s big on buying presents too, which is where I think he gets the whole “gifts all the time” (I’ve gotten about 1-2 items every other month from her since I started dating him).

[Countrywood]

the last two sounded a bit better…see how it goes and stay aware and best of luck!

[JustTheTicket]

These relationship threads always go to “Dump him!” first. Ridiculous. He doesn’t sound controlling or abusive at all. 24 is young, in terms of having serious grown up relationships. I don’t find it strange at all that he’s not used to dating independent women-if he had high school or college girlfriends, they tend to also be immature and want to be with boyfriend 24/7. And then they leave school and he has to learn that’s not real life.

I think OP and her boyfriend sound like they have a handle on the situation. Usually the biggest thing here is no one communicates and that doesn’t seem to be the case here.

Also-everyone talks about how she shouldn’t drop everything and do everything he wants, but what’s with these women who always brag about how their husband/boyfriend is always the one getting up in the dark/snow/cold/super hot to feed the animals, cook breakfast, throw hay, do allll the chores? Why is it ok for the man to 100% serve the woman, but a guy asks it and its completely unacceptable? There’s not a lot of compromise here.

[Countrywood]

?? Who said it is okay …A woman exploiting a man/not doing her share is no better.

Women tend to brag sometimes their hubby makes breakfast or whatever because it’s still more unusual than other way around (imo)

[Angela_Freda]

You have to be you… if he loves and accepts all aspects of you, GREAT!

It doesn’t sound like he does… good idea to talk it over with therapist.

[Ajierene]

[QUOTE=Mike Matson;8090629]
Somewhere on an internet band forum is a frustrated guy telling his story about a gf that has a horse and looking for advice.[/QUOTE]

That was my first thought also!

[QUOTE=SweetMutt;8091059]I’ve been in a few of these relationships. You seem well aware of this already, but IME it’s not really about the horses - it’s about him feeling insecure and like you don’t care about him or allot him your emotional energy the same way he does you. This was generally correct in my case - not that I disliked them all, just that they crossed my mind during the day somewhere amidst my meeting schedule and budget and whether horsey will be good today and how much sleep I’ll get tonight. Most of them were fine, they just needed more of my emotional real estate then I have to offer. Not saying this won’t work out for you - just illustrating where he’s probably coming from.

It’s also easy to be resentful of each other when you feel like the other is depriving you of something precious - you, your me time; him, his time with you.[/QUOTE]

This is a valid point. If you haven’t yet, read the book Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. There are several editions, so you can pick the ‘married’ (because you are in a relationship) or ‘single’ (because you are single). I read it and it made me understand myself better.

A little story - my brother and his wife had problems before his last deployment and they didn’t get any better in the year he was gone. When he came back, she was seeing a therapist and the therapist suggested the book. He agreed in part because a Navy Seal comrade had oft quoted it when he was venting about his wife.

He found out her love language is quality time. His is words of affirmation. Now, a little story - when my brother wants to buy something, he does a ton of research on the internet, then maybe narrows it to two (if he doesn’t buy off amazaon or something) and goes for final check. After he had come back and things were settled, they were looking for a new car for the wife. She wanted to go to 5 or 6 different dealerships and look at each car. He sighed heavily because this is NOT his thing, but then looked at me and said, “But her love language is quality time and I know that’s why she wants to go to all the dealerships.” So he did it.

It sounds like, from my limited perspective, your boyfriend’s language is either gifts or acts of service and he, for whatever reason, really wanted you to cook him dinner - he isn’t trying to say he thinks you should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, he may have been feeling down because of his sick dog or the holiday, or both, or something else entirely (like constantly having dates moved/pushed back by you). He should have been more upfront about it, but he probably did not realize the root of the issue to begin with.

So, I suggest the book, along with talking to your therapist.

[SuckerForHorses]

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

~ Dr. Phil McGraw :lol: