I am definitely affirmation- if I say I love you, I love you. There’s no question. The car story really sounds like the two of us; we went to buy a face brush (you know- the fancy kind), and he spent 15 minutes researching them all because he a.)wanted to buy it for me, b.) buy the “best” one, and c.) (now I realize) wanted to prolong our trip. I, however, knew exactly which one I wanted so I grabbed it and bought it while he was still researching :lol: and he was a little grumpy he didn’t get to buy it for me. I teased him about not being fast enough/how he owed me because this was about 15 minutes after the dog vomit incident.
I think the book will really help you. I was skeptical at first, but found it helped my professional as well as personal relationships - just understanding that different people need different things to feel appreciated.
I am interested to see what happens if you or (preferably) both of you read the book.
[QUOTE=SuckerForHorses;8091291]
~ Dr. Phil McGraw :lol:[/QUOTE]
??
I was told this by the board-certified forensic psychiatrist that I worked for when I was a psych tech.
“he feels like his needs get ignored”
Red flag, red flag, red flag, OP, this is prevalent throughout your posts. Should someone in a relationship get attention from their partner? Yes. But he is all about HIS needs, according to what you have posted consistently.
“he car story really sounds like the two of us; we went to buy a face brush (you know- the fancy kind), and he spent 15 minutes researching them all because he a.)wanted to buy it for me, b.) buy the “best” one, and c.) (now I realize) wanted to prolong our trip. I, however, knew exactly which one I wanted so I grabbed it and bought it while he was still researching and he was a little grumpy he didn’t get to buy it for me.”
This does not read as cute story to me, this is another RED FLAG. Controlling, manipulating, he is grumpy because HE did not get to do what HE wanted. Seriously— over a brush? See how your need for a brush became all about HIS need to do it HIS way?
Red flag.
[QUOTE=californianinkansas;8091363]
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Originally Posted by SuckerForHorses
~ Dr. Phil McGraw :lol:
??
I was told this by the board-certified forensic psychiatrist that I worked for when I was a psych tech.[/QUOTE]
Dr. Phil always says the same thing, in probably every single episode.
[QUOTE=SuckerForHorses;8091376]
Dr. Phil always says the same thing, in probably every single episode.[/QUOTE]
Bummer. I despise Dr. Phil…
I fundamentally disagree with this.
This is not going to make me popular on COTH, but I think the typical expectations a female equestrian has for her relationship with her SO are selfish and absurd.
I’m not sure where it’s written that if you’re an equestrian you are exempt from taking your partner into account and can do whatever you want without considering your SO’s needs or feelings, but this seems to be the predominant mentality both at barns I’ve ridden at and on COTH.
The vast majority of women I have ridden with expect to be able to ride any time (all the time!) on any amount of notice (or no notice at all!) without their SO daring to make a peep about it. These SO’s are much maligned as not “getting it” and the woman’s barnmates (or COTH) express sentiments along the lines of, “if he doesn’t get with the program kick him to the curb.”
Excuse me? Let’s consider for a moment that as equestrians we often ARE gone every weeknight and both weekend days. We cancel plans at the last minute because we got a call from the barn that our horse is colicking or cut his leg on the fence. Many of us have canceled vacations or other big purchases due to an unforeseen horse expense.
Yes, some of these things are unavoidable - you just try to keep me away from my horse when I get a call that the vet needs to come out. But if roles were reversed and someone was posting on OT about how their SO constantly cancels plans, won’t commit to dates, just wants to watch netflix on the 1-2 nights a week they actually see each other, spends just about every weeknight and both weekend days doing his hobby, etc. we would all be saying, “honey, the writing is on the wall - he’s just not that into you.”
And you know what? If you’re just not that into your SO (or having an SO at all), that’s fine. You can put the horses first! But accept that it is not normal to expect a human being who wants to be in a romantic relationship with you to be fine with being prioritized below your hobby.
“You being you” is not equivalent to being a selfish a$$hole who thinks her horses are more important than her partner. I have seen so many relationships go south because of this mentality and I know so many horsewomen who are shocked that they’re in their late 30s/40s and still alone.
THAT SAID, if the OP is being honest in her posts, it sounds like she is making every effort to balance her hectic schedule, her horse and prioritizing time with her BF. It sounds like he needs more time and attention than he’s getting (and to me, this doesn’t necessarily make him a demon - just a person with different emotional needs) and she should seek an SO who is a bit more independent, perhaps with a time-intensive hobby of his own.
[QUOTE=KandC;8090709]
Oh no- we don’t live together (he would love to, but we’ve only been together a year/super religious parents on my end).
I really don’t mind hauling gear and I like the music his band plays; he’s a great horse show boyfriend (getting drinks, filming rounds, holding the lease kid)!
Just a little miffed about the “Cook me dinner. No? Well, I’m just gonna sulk now.” especially after catching (his) dog’s vomit in my hands last night so it wouldn’t ruin his car, and then leaving me to walk the dog down a strip mall to PetCo…
I think it’s just that this is his first adult serious relationship. He does things that are inconsiderate from time to time more from a maturity level, but then again, so do I!
I don’t know- whenever I say I’m gonna ride, past boyfriends have offered to come with or happily done their own thing.
It’s just two pretty self-absorbed, self-sufficient people trying to find balance with one another.[/QUOTE]
Honest? “Serious” and “adult” are not words that belong in any description of this guy. He totally doesn’t get it about the things you’re dealing with in your life, and from what you’ve said, sounds like he doesn’t care. He wants a “mom,” a roadie, and perhaps a Best Supporting Actress for his own starring role as a wannabe Rock Star.
BTW, “wanting to spend time in bars” at age 24 is a HUGE red flag as well; immature at best, alcoholic at worst. Yuck. Plus, both bar-flies and musicians are well-known for sleeping around.
I’d tell him the most “serious” you’re going to get right now is FWB (assuming you’re enjoying the “benefits”) and proceed to live your own life and take care of your own needs first, because this one is going seriously nowhere!
think about this: why does he expect you to make him feel better? why is he not occupied with his own interests and activities? why is he so needy?
this is not healthy. he is not emotionally fit. and your defense of him is yet another red flag.
since you are (wisely) in therapy, please examine the pattern in your life of choosing controlling men. ask your therapist how this young man fits into your pattern.
OP, it can take YEARS to figure these things out. I am 59 and didnt find my way off the particular bf merrygoround i was on (different patternthan yours) until i was 40. (now happily married for 19 years but too late for kids) . You are wise to seek the feedback of the older women here. now listen to us and open your eyes. don’t waste the precious years many of us lost to unhealthy relationships. we’ve been where you are. it’s not hard to see the pattern from where we sit.
this will not end well, and the longer you stay with him the worse it will get.
Here is a scenario: person I had been very, very casually dating ( and had not had sex with) for several weeks talks to me about paper I am giving at a conference. I am part of the opening plenary panel. That is a BIG DEAL.
CD ( casual dater) says he a) wants to come listen to the paper. Me-- slightly surprised, it is nothing he works in or with. but… well…OK.
CD says he wants to come and spend the night in the city where the conference is, so we can spend time together during the conference.
Me-- somewhat annoyed-- as I am planning to attend other workshops at this 2 day conference. CD seems to be losing the plot.
CD wants to come and take me shopping ( I hate shopping) in BIG CITY, and wants me to skip conference, other than my paper.
CD says, “And do not talk too much about your paper or the conference, as I am not really interested. I want to take you shopping.”
Red flags? You betcha. End of relationship ( such as it was)? You betcha.
Controlling, manipulative behavior, all about somehow soothing CD’s anxieties and meeting his needs. Forget making a big deal out of something that was a big deal to me— and in a sphere of life where CD did not really belong.
I told CD I was busy concentrating on my conference, and not him, and to please move on with his life, as there was no future, even in casual dating, with him. Last conversation I had with him.
But there is a lot there that is similar to the reported behavior of your boyfriend, OP. Trying to get overly involved in some aspect of your life that has nothing to do with him, really, and then trying to make decisions and choices for you, because HE wants to, not because it really makes sense or you want or need him to. It is all about manipulating and control. It might be sugar coated, but please see it for what it is.
[QUOTE=Lady Eboshi;8091396]
Honest? “Serious” and “adult” are not words that belong in any description of this guy. He totally doesn’t get it about the things you’re dealing with in your life, and from what you’ve said, sounds like he doesn’t care. He wants a “mom,” a roadie, and perhaps a Best Supporting Actress for his own starring role as a wannabe Rock Star.
BTW, “wanting to spend time in bars” at age 24 is a HUGE red flag as well; immature at best, alcoholic at worst. Yuck. Plus, both bar-flies and musicians are well-known for sleeping around.
![/QUOTE]
Just in to say- the band is his hobby. I don’t know that playing a gig 1-3x a month locally constitutes as a wannabe Rock Star (again- been there, dated that, have the t-shirt, never again). He has a very well paying job. Band is his hobby and I help out carrying equipment (a guitar, maybe a box of wires/spare parts) to help out while the guys lug the amps. Which is the equivalent of him coming to a horse show and fetching water/food/wiping off my boots/horses’ legs, so I suppose I want a groom and a sugar daddy by that logic.
I also take serious offense to “bar flies and musicians sleeping around”. I AM one of those bar flies. I happen to enjoy beer and the music scene at certain bars (as does he). Also, 99% of my classmates and I can be found at bars on weekends when we have the time to nurse hangovers/sleep in. There is nothing wrong with sleeping around, nor is there anything wrong with being in a monogamous relationship, just as there is nothing wrong with choosing to spend your free time at bars.
[QUOTE=KandC;8091432]
Just in to say- the band is his hobby. I don’t know that playing a gig 1-3x a month locally constitutes as a wannabe Rock Star (again- been there, dated that, have the t-shirt, never again). He has a very well paying job. Band is his hobby and I help out carrying equipment (a guitar, maybe a box of wires/spare parts) to help out while the guys lug the amps. Which is the equivalent of him coming to a horse show and fetching water/food/wiping off my boots/horses’ legs, so I suppose I want a groom and a sugar daddy by that logic.
I also take serious offense to “bar flies and musicians sleeping around”. I AM one of those bar flies. I happen to enjoy beer and the music scene at certain bars (as does he). Also, 99% of my classmates and I can be found at bars on weekends when we have the time to nurse hangovers/sleep in. There is nothing wrong with sleeping around, nor is there anything wrong with being in a monogamous relationship, just as there is nothing wrong with choosing to spend your free time at bars.[/QUOTE]
O-key-doak-eee. Have a nice train wreck, er . . . life!
[QUOTE=Lady Eboshi;8091442]
O-key-doak-eee. Have a nice train wreck, er . . . life![/QUOTE]
Will do!
[QUOTE=KandC;8091443]
Will do![/QUOTE]
You blew it with “having time to nurse hangovers.” What I said above now applies to BOTH goose and gander: “immature at best, alcoholic at worst.”
As in, habitual binge drinking and sexual conduct that can also bite you.
Good luck with THAT lifestyle when you’re a VET.
[QUOTE=Countrywood;8091018]
OP, no matter what people do in pointing out the reality, you jump in to defend him and make excuses for his actions, which is classic hallmark of an abusive relationship…[/QUOTE]
Well, or the OP has a fuller balanced view of their year-long relationship that goes beyond a vent she made about him sulking over Easter dinner plans, and is trying to give this fuller picture to people who are making a hell of a lot of assumptions based on a few posts.
Yes, abusive relationships exists.
What also exists is some very heavy projection from posters onto an OP’s story. If that’s what’s happening here, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time on COTH :winkgrin:
[QUOTE=Coanteen;8091449]
Well, or the OP has a fuller balanced view of their year-long relationship that goes beyond a vent she made about him sulking over Easter dinner plans, and is trying to give this fuller picture to people who are making a hell of a lot of assumptions based on a few posts.
Yes, abusive relationships exists.
What also exists is some very heavy projection from posters onto an OP’s story. If that’s what’s happening here, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time on COTH :winkgrin:[/QUOTE]
Unwritten rule of COTH: if you write about your relationship on COTH (even if it’s to report a nice thing he did!) COTH will tell you to break up with the abusive a$$hole.
ETA: Also, evidently both the OP and her BF are alcoholics now. Do keep up, Coanteen! 
[QUOTE=Lady Eboshi;8091445]
You blew it with “having time to nurse hangovers.” What I said above now applies to BOTH goose and gander: “immature at best, alcoholic at worst.”
As in, habitual binge drinking and sexual conduct that can also bite you.
Good luck with THAT lifestyle when you’re a VET.[/QUOTE]
Let me know if/when you indulge in 3-4 beers total on a monthly basis, then you can throw stones. I understand I threw the doors wide open, but obviously this has gotten a little out of control.
In regards to all the other posters, thank you for all your kind advice and your concerns. I think this has gotten a little off the rails. Definitely going to discuss with therapist, and will stay safe!
[QUOTE=french fry;8091460]
Unwritten rule of COTH: if you write about your relationship on COTH (even if it’s to report a nice thing he did!) COTH will tell you to break up with the abusive a$$hole.
ETA: Also, evidently both the OP and her BF are alcoholics now. Do keep up, Coanteen! ;)[/QUOTE]
I feel sorry for poor alcoholic immature abused OP and her clear trainwreck of a life that she’ll never crawl her way out of, since she ignores wise online advice to immediately break up with her alcoholic immature abusive rock star.
Lol. Were some of you ever actually 24? I and all of my 24 year old friends went to bars on the weekends. Some weeknights too. We were hardly what you consider “bar flies.” People in their early 20s go to bars/clubs to socialize. They get hangovers. That doesn’t automatically make them immature alcoholics. I made it to 29 without going to rehab, or anyone actually thinking I might have a drinking problem, so there’s hope. And I won’t lie, I am a bit of a trainwreck. :lol:
OP, I feel you. Boys are frustrating. So is CoTH. You should probably know better than to share any relationship troubles here because, consensus tells us that the only male in your life should be your horse.
My advice is keep talking to your therapist and boyfriend. Its only been a year. You’re figuring each other out. And hopefully it works out for you guys. I wouldn’t listen to everyone here saying he’s a controlling abuser. You know him and we don’t. Good luck!
[QUOTE=JustTheTicket;8091497]
OP, I feel you. Boys are frustrating. So is CoTH. You should probably know better than to share any relationship troubles here because, consensus tells us that the only male in your life should be your horse. [/QUOTE]
And this male should have his dangly bits cut off, to boot.
OP, I agree, this needs more communication. If you share schedules, and he makes dinner plans based on that but you’ve rescheduled a lesson without telling him and now it conflicts with the dinner plans, you can see why that would be frustrating. As an example, since you mentioned rescheduled-lesson-dinner-plans before.
Neither of you is wrong or mean in such an instance, but you guys do need to get on the same page about scheduling (this includes possibly not having him schedule anything unless you pre-approve the date, and then sticking to that date unless someone’s dying. Whatever works for you both).
You should also talk about significant dates. I’m not religious either, but Easter is a time I prioritize family; perhaps it was the same for your bf, and he became whiny when you prioritized a ride on what he considered a significant date. Not your fault as you’re not a mind reader, but again, shows this needs a bit more communication.
