The OP has perspective on the COTH dynamic and thanked those that gave good advice. The same few people tend to jump in at the end of threads like this and start jeering at others on the board and denigrating the advice they gave. The OP is smart enough to recognize that, sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders for her age (or any age)
Coanteen, I wasn’t being serious. I believe in having friends and boyfriends, so I obviously don’t agree with you. I’m no man hater. 
[QUOTE=KandC;8091432]
Just in to say- the band is his hobby. I don’t know that playing a gig 1-3x a month locally constitutes as a wannabe Rock Star (again- been there, dated that, have the t-shirt, never again). He has a very well paying job. Band is his hobby and I help out carrying equipment (a guitar, maybe a box of wires/spare parts) to help out while the guys lug the amps. Which is the equivalent of him coming to a horse show and fetching water/food/wiping off my boots/horses’ legs, so I suppose I want a groom and a sugar daddy by that logic.
I also take serious offense to “bar flies and musicians sleeping around”. I AM one of those bar flies. I happen to enjoy beer and the music scene at certain bars (as does he). Also, 99% of my classmates and I can be found at bars on weekends when we have the time to nurse hangovers/sleep in. There is nothing wrong with sleeping around, nor is there anything wrong with being in a monogamous relationship, just as there is nothing wrong with choosing to spend your free time at bars.[/QUOTE]
There’s nothing wrong with sleeping around? You are drinking to excess at bars? As long as you have time the next day to nurse the hangover? Ohh-kay, then. You are just right together! You enjoy!
[QUOTE=JustTheTicket;8091497]
Lol. Were some of you ever actually 24? I and all of my 24 year old friends went to bars on the weekends. Some weeknights too. We were hardly what you consider “bar flies.” People in their early 20s go to bars/clubs to socialize. They get hangovers. That doesn’t automatically make them immature alcoholics. I made it to 29 without going to rehab, or anyone actually thinking I might have a drinking problem, so there’s hope. And I won’t lie, I am a bit of a trainwreck. :lol:[/QUOTE]
Yah, I’ve dont all that too, but that doesn’t go hand in hand with a stable relationship with a man who respects your space, time and interests. The OP came across like she was concerned about redflags in her relationship. That’s about all there is, and she is defending it, so she’s on her own.
Rots a Ruck.
I will tentatively subject myself to the “DUMP HIM!” COTH Greek chorus and say that in my case, there was actually a specific trigger for my BF’s suddenly exhibiting some crankiness regarding “horses” in general. Upon sitting down for some good, old-fashioned communication (plus one to Coanteen’s advice!) it turned out to be horse showing - dealing with me not seeing him for almost an entire weekend even though we live together, the full day extravaganza of getting ready the day before, inadvertently waking him up with my multiple alarms before the sun rose, the 12+ hours gone at the show itself, and coming home phenomenally sunburned and wiped out and cranky due to sleep deprivation weekend after weekend was all a little much for him.
I cut back on my showing (which was also great for my budget!) but other alternatives could have been using a groom, only doing one division, staying with a friend near the show venue so he didn’t have to deal with my odd hours and grumpiness, etc.
At this point we were far enough into our (serious) relationship that I was comfortable making him a priority - I’m not talking about some dude I’d only known for three months.
FWIW now that there’s a semblance of balance in my life he’s back to being totally supportive of horses, offers to come to the barn with me and wants to learn to ride.
Do you plan on having a horse when you are a vet?
The vets I’ve known have very little time for anything other than work/family or work/horse or work/second job (really!).
If you get BF thinking “Oh she’ll have time for all of my needs to be met once she graduates” you’ll both be in for a rude awakening. Sorry to be harsh, but if you plan on being an emergency vet, there’s a good chance you won’t be able to make him dinner/be on time for reservations often.
Even if you have more time, it may not be enough time for him. Do you really want to listen to someone complain about your horses and the time you spend with them daily for the rest of your life?
[QUOTE=Countrywood;8091522]
The OP has perspective on the COTH dynamic and thanked those that gave good advice. The same few people tend to jump in at the end of threads like this and start jeering at others on the board and denigrating the advice they gave. The OP is smart enough to recognize that, sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders for her age (or any age)[/QUOTE]
If by any chance you mean me (which you might, or might not), I’ve commented on this COTH projection issue in many threads. It usually happens in relationship threads, but hey, just check out the barista or noisy blender thread as well.
If you want to talk about denigrating, just look towards the end of this thread where some of the people who gave advice to OP with the view that she’s in an abusive, or at least red-flagged, relationship, quickly turn on her when she tells them they’re wrong. It’s apparently ok to tell a woman one believes to be either abused or about to be abused that she’s on her own and to take a nice trainwreck of a life.
Concern trolls dislike being dismissed, you see.
The people telling you to run are mainly doing so because it’s better to end the relationship now rather than waiting until you’ve moved in together and things are more complicated. The longer you wait the uglier the end will be when it happens. I don’t think there’s any reason to believe this is an abusive relationship, it’s just not a good fit.
[QUOTE=french fry;8091385]
I fundamentally disagree with this.
This is not going to make me popular on COTH, but I think the typical expectations a female equestrian has for her relationship with her SO are selfish and absurd.
I’m not sure where it’s written that if you’re an equestrian you are exempt from taking your partner into account and can do whatever you want without considering your SO’s needs or feelings, but this seems to be the predominant mentality both at barns I’ve ridden at and on COTH.
The vast majority of women I have ridden with expect to be able to ride any time (all the time!) on any amount of notice (or no notice at all!) without their SO daring to make a peep about it. These SO’s are much maligned as not “getting it” and the woman’s barnmates (or COTH) express sentiments along the lines of, “if he doesn’t get with the program kick him to the curb.”
Excuse me? Let’s consider for a moment that as equestrians we often ARE gone every weeknight and both weekend days. We cancel plans at the last minute because we got a call from the barn that our horse is colicking or cut his leg on the fence. Many of us have canceled vacations or other big purchases due to an unforeseen horse expense.
Yes, some of these things are unavoidable - you just try to keep me away from my horse when I get a call that the vet needs to come out. But if roles were reversed and someone was posting on OT about how their SO constantly cancels plans, won’t commit to dates, just wants to watch netflix on the 1-2 nights a week they actually see each other, spends just about every weeknight and both weekend days doing his hobby, etc. we would all be saying, “honey, the writing is on the wall - he’s just not that into you.”
And you know what? If you’re just not that into your SO (or having an SO at all), that’s fine. You can put the horses first! But accept that it is not normal to expect a human being who wants to be in a romantic relationship with you to be fine with being prioritized below your hobby.
“You being you” is not equivalent to being a selfish a$$hole who thinks her horses are more important than her partner. I have seen so many relationships go south because of this mentality and I know so many horsewomen who are shocked that they’re in their late 30s/40s and still alone.
THAT SAID, if the OP is being honest in her posts, it sounds like she is making every effort to balance her hectic schedule, her horse and prioritizing time with her BF. It sounds like he needs more time and attention than he’s getting (and to me, this doesn’t necessarily make him a demon - just a person with different emotional needs) and she should seek an SO who is a bit more independent, perhaps with a time-intensive hobby of his own.[/QUOTE]
I’m with your here. Relationships require cookies on both sides. In this instance though, the OP is compromising. She goes to gigs, helps carry things, etc. She sounds like she’s being as supportive as possible. He needs to step up or step off.
OP- I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. Talk it over with him or her and take their advice very seriously. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
You and I are pretty close to the same age/life circumstances. I was dating a guy who sounds a lot like yours- sweet, supportive, able to do his own thing and let me do mine. Unfortunately, I’m very driven and passionate about my activities. My schedule is full constantly. I was willing to move things around and make him more of a priority, but it just didn’t work. He didn’t have any real drive. The “floating through life” “chill all the time” thing didn’t work for me. We were too far apart. There wasn’t anything wrong with him, but we didn’t work where we are right now.
Hope all goes well. Feel free to PM me of you ever need to vent.
That’s nice advice, Caitlin, and a good perspective, better than my, well have fun response. I just don’t see the balance in the relationship, and I don’t see him getting over his “but what about me” persona.
If you want to make it work, you will make it work. It sounds very much like you want this relationship.
So the face brush incident … he is researching it to get you a really nice one, and you just go off and buy one and then tease him about it?
How much giving are you willing to do? It sounds like you are a bit thoughtless, too, and maybe he has a legitimate gripe about your attention. Could you have waited and let him buy it for you?
I am wondering how much you are willing to compromise and give back to those who want to give you affection. Something to think about.
Of course people are going to write from their personal experiences…that is the value of a board. A few replies will be dopey or off the wall (not mine of course lol). Those who are older have more years of experience to write from, both their own and those of friends and family.
[QUOTE=Countrywood;8091584]
Of course people are going to write from their personal experiences…that is the value of a board. A few replies will be dopey or off the wall (not mine of course lol). Those who are older have more years of experience to write from, both their own and those of friends and family.[/QUOTE]
True, but those who do write from their own experience need to keep in mind that their experience isn’t universal, and if told they’re wrong/misinterpreting by a party with firsts hand information, at least consider that they might indeed be wrong. Doubling down on the unshakeable rightness of their viewpoint just makes them sadly hilarious (which tbh is why forums are so entertaining, of course).
[QUOTE=french fry;8091385]
I fundamentally disagree with this.
This is not going to make me popular on COTH, but I think the typical expectations a female equestrian has for her relationship with her SO are selfish and absurd.
I’m not sure where it’s written that if you’re an equestrian you are exempt from taking your partner into account and can do whatever you want without considering your SO’s needs or feelings, but this seems to be the predominant mentality both at barns I’ve ridden at and on COTH.
The vast majority of women I have ridden with expect to be able to ride any time (all the time!) on any amount of notice (or no notice at all!) without their SO daring to make a peep about it. These SO’s are much maligned as not “getting it” and the woman’s barnmates (or COTH) express sentiments along the lines of, “if he doesn’t get with the program kick him to the curb.”
Excuse me? Let’s consider for a moment that as equestrians we often ARE gone every weeknight and both weekend days. We cancel plans at the last minute because we got a call from the barn that our horse is colicking or cut his leg on the fence. Many of us have canceled vacations or other big purchases due to an unforeseen horse expense.
Yes, some of these things are unavoidable - you just try to keep me away from my horse when I get a call that the vet needs to come out. But if roles were reversed and someone was posting on OT about how their SO constantly cancels plans, won’t commit to dates, just wants to watch netflix on the 1-2 nights a week they actually see each other, spends just about every weeknight and both weekend days doing his hobby, etc. we would all be saying, “honey, the writing is on the wall - he’s just not that into you.”
And you know what? If you’re just not that into your SO (or having an SO at all), that’s fine. You can put the horses first! But accept that it is not normal to expect a human being who wants to be in a romantic relationship with you to be fine with being prioritized below your hobby.
“You being you” is not equivalent to being a selfish a$$hole who thinks her horses are more important than her partner. I have seen so many relationships go south because of this mentality and I know so many horsewomen who are shocked that they’re in their late 30s/40s and still alone.
THAT SAID, if the OP is being honest in her posts, it sounds like she is making every effort to balance her hectic schedule, her horse and prioritizing time with her BF. It sounds like he needs more time and attention than he’s getting (and to me, this doesn’t necessarily make him a demon - just a person with different emotional needs) and she should seek an SO who is a bit more independent, perhaps with a time-intensive hobby of his own.[/QUOTE]
Funny that you said this:
“You being you” is not equivalent to being a selfish a$$hole who thinks her horses are more important than her partner.
I dunno why [if] your assumption was that I wrote that you have to be you… was equivalent to being a self centered arsehole who wants to ride when she wants… is exempt from taking your partner into account and can do whatever you want without considering your SO’s needs or feelings, spend all her own and her SOs money on her horse… prioritizing your SO below your hobby…
I think that women need to be on their own, self sufficient and living their lives, before they are ready to be tied up with someone else.
For me, to choose to not ride in order to meet more eligible men… no.
That was not going to fly. That’s me.
My mother once said I would find a man if I had less animals [2 cats, a dog and a horse]… I figured she was right, but I wanted a man who wanted what I wanted. That is to say who wanted the same things. FOR ME that was dogs and cats and a horse…
Change all that to find a mate? What kind of mate is he if I am not being me?
What kind of mate am I?
Cause faking what is/isn’t important to you certainly isn’t being honest.
Relationships should at least start with being honest.
So, dogless, catless, horseles was not going to be how I wanted to live my life.
Could I do it for a while? Sure.
Would I be happy longterm? No way!
But that’s me, and I was willing to accept that it might mean I never found Mr. Right Who Also Loves my Animals.
Others mileage may vary, which is why I wrote that you have to be you.
If ‘you’ are willing to ride one day less to be with this man… great!
If you are willing to ride these many days to be with that man… great!
If you are willing to give up your pets or horse shows, or clinics, or… GREAT!
But decide what YOU want, before you add another person into the equation.
That was my point.
[QUOTE=KandC;8090991]
His response was that he’s just frustrated by me being so busy he feels like his needs get ignored because I’m so focused on school and horses. He thought it would get better, because I told him it would eventually. YES. WHEN I GRADUATE.[/QUOTE]
OP, you didn’t ask for my opinion, but as a fellow vet and rider, I thought I’d share a story…
I met my (ex) DH in undergrad. He knew from the get-go that I wanted to go to vet school and didn’t see myself starting a family at the very least until my career was established and possibly, ever. He was supportive enough through undergrad, and through the beginning of vet school. We got married the summer after my second year (I was 25). After we got married, he started complaining about how much time I spent studying or at school, and I reminded him that this was all part of the plan that he signed up for.
Since I “was so busy” all the time, he started playing MMORPG games as his hobby. I was fine with it, since it kept him busy and lessened the need to be available to him 24/7. Over time, his support was less and less obvious, he started refusing to go to functions with me and I started doing more and more on my own.
I graduated, all was well, I got an equine internship that was local (because we couldn’t possibly consider moving one or both of us for my job) and started working. I didn’t make much money and he started complaining about how I wasn’t contributing enough to the household. He was also now playing MMORPG’s 6 nights a week from 7pm-1am.
Ultimately, our relationship failed, and in the meantime, the stress of it made me a supremely unhappy person. I didn’t get to enjoy being out of school , or starting my new career. He said he would support me starting my own equine ambulatory practice, then asked for a divorce 5 months after it opened up leaving me a new business owner with no income and no support. It’s all well and good now, I own 2 practices and get to do what I want with my time. But, there was a year or so in there that was absolute hell.
Know what bothers me most about your post? My ex said this to me too:
“I don’t know, I just thought that once we got married, it would be better. Then I thought that when you graduated it would be better. And then I thought that if you had a job it would be better. And I guess I always figured maybe you weren’t that serious and I could change your mind about kids.”
He thought that it would always be “better” someday in the future. There are always stresses in life, getting out into the world isn’t any less stressful or busy than being in school. This isn’t a man, he’s a child, whining about how he isn’t getting his way and biding his time until someday it’s “better”. Do you know what better for him is? It’s when you have all your time free to spend on his whims. Ditch him, focus on your career path, and let him go in search of “better” elsewhere.
You, OP, deserve “better”. Not him.
[QUOTE=Angela Freda;8091600]
Funny that you said this
“You being you” is not equivalent to being a selfish a$$hole who thinks her horses are more important than her partner.
I dunno why [if] your assumption was that I wrote that you have to be you… was equivalent to being a self centered arsehole who wants to ride when she wants… spend all her own and her SOs money on her horse… blah,blah blah…
I think that women need to be on their own, self sufficient and living their lives, before they are ready to be tied up with someone else.
For me, to choose to not ride in order to meet more eligible men… no.
That was not going to fly. That’s me.
My mother once said I would find a man if I had less animals [2 cats, a dog and a horse]… I figured she was right, but I wanted a man who wanted what I wanted. That is to say who wanted the same things. FOR ME that was dogs and cats and a horse…
Change all that to find a mate? What kind of mate is it if I am not being me?
That was not going to be how I wanted to live my life.
Others mileage may vary, which is why I wrote that you have to be you.
If ‘you’ are willing to ride one day less to be with this man… great!
If you are willing to ride these many days to be with that man… great!
If you are willing to give up your pets or horse shows, or clinics, or… GREAT!
But decide what YOU want, before you add another person into the equation.
That was my point.[/QUOTE]
I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to keep your life exactly the same from being single to when you’re in a committed relationship. And frankly, if it is, it doesn’t sound like the kind of relationship I want to have. If I don’t want to share my life with someone in some major ways I’d rather just stay single.
I don’t see why you’d consistently weight your relationship less than your hobby.
YMMV.
[QUOTE=french fry;8091646]
I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect to keep your life exactly the same from being single to when you’re in a committed relationship[/QUOTE]
I dunno’ about it being exactly the same as it was… but everyone should decide for themselves what is/is not important to them.
As for the rest of what you wrote… I dunno’ where you are getting all that…
Clearly you have done that, and clearly you and I would never be suitable partners.
:lol:
Good thing I found a man who loves how much I love my animals, and joined our lives! You’re off the hook!
[QUOTE=Angela Freda;8091711]
I dunno’ about it being exactly the same as it was… but everyone should decide for themselves what is/is not important to them.
As for the rest of what you wrote… I dunno’ where you are getting all that…
Clearly you have done that, and clearly you and I would never be suitable partners.
:lol:
Good thing I found a man who loves how much I love my animals, and joined our lives! You’re off the hook![/QUOTE]
I know literally nothing about your relationship, all I’m going off of is you saying that you have to “be you” and that you shouldn’t change to be in a relationship.
While I agree with that advice in a macro sense on COTH I often I see “if he doesn’t like it he can leave” as a justification for phenomenally selfish behavior that we absolutely would not tolerate if roles were reversed.
If you’re not consistently putting your horse above your SO, I’m not talking to or about you. I’m talking about the people who made comments like,
Horse or boyfriend? I know who wins in my life!
There are men out there who understand that happy wife means happy life. My husband is well aware that my horse will be fed long before he is.
and every other permutation of “if he doesn’t fully understand and support the 40 hours a week you spend at the barn kick him to the curb!” that I see on COTH pretty much every day.
[QUOTE=Action42;8091602]
OP, you didn’t ask for my opinion, but as a fellow vet and rider, I thought I’d share a story…
I met my (ex) DH in undergrad. He knew from the get-go that I wanted to go to vet school and didn’t see myself starting a family at the very least until my career was established and possibly, ever. He was supportive enough through undergrad, and through the beginning of vet school. We got married the summer after my second year (I was 25). After we got married, he started complaining about how much time I spent studying or at school, and I reminded him that this was all part of the plan that he signed up for.
Since I “was so busy” all the time, he started playing MMORPG games as his hobby. I was fine with it, since it kept him busy and lessened the need to be available to him 24/7. Over time, his support was less and less obvious, he started refusing to go to functions with me and I started doing more and more on my own.
I graduated, all was well, I got an equine internship that was local (because we couldn’t possibly consider moving one or both of us for my job) and started working. I didn’t make much money and he started complaining about how I wasn’t contributing enough to the household. He was also now playing MMORPG’s 6 nights a week from 7pm-1am.
Ultimately, our relationship failed, and in the meantime, the stress of it made me a supremely unhappy person. I didn’t get to enjoy being out of school , or starting my new career. He said he would support me starting my own equine ambulatory practice, then asked for a divorce 5 months after it opened up leaving me a new business owner with no income and no support. It’s all well and good now, I own 2 practices and get to do what I want with my time. But, there was a year or so in there that was absolute hell.
Know what bothers me most about your post? My ex said this to me too:
“I don’t know, I just thought that once we got married, it would be better. Then I thought that when you graduated it would be better. And then I thought that if you had a job it would be better. And I guess I always figured maybe you weren’t that serious and I could change your mind about kids.”
He thought that it would always be “better” someday in the future. There are always stresses in life, getting out into the world isn’t any less stressful or busy than being in school. This isn’t a man, he’s a child, whining about how he isn’t getting his way and biding his time until someday it’s “better”. Do you know what better for him is? It’s when you have all your time free to spend on his whims. Ditch him, focus on your career path, and let him go in search of “better” elsewhere.
You, OP, deserve “better”. Not him.[/QUOTE]
I knkow it was just posted, but I just haaaad to quote this post, because I luuuuuvvvv it so. I think this is what most peopole are so concerned about. I hope the OP reads this post. Very cogent to her vet situation.
[QUOTE=french fry;8091742]
I know literally nothing about your relationship, all I’m going off of is you saying that you have to “be you” and that you shouldn’t change to be in a relationship.[/QUOTE]
I didn’t say you shouldn’t change… if that’s what you want your life to include, change away.
[QUOTE=french fry;8091742]
While I agree with that advice in a macro sense on COTH I often I see “if he doesn’t like it he can leave” as a justification for phenomenally selfish behavior that we absolutely would not tolerate if roles were reversed.
If you’re not consistently putting your horse above your SO, I’m not talking to or about you. I’m talking about the people who made comments like,
and every other permutation of “if he doesn’t fully understand and support the 40 hours a week you spend at the barn kick him to the curb!” that I see on COTH pretty much every day.[/QUOTE]
Meh, again if your sport is that important to you… why not?
Many professionals got where they are by focusing… with or without a partner.
Again if that’s what they want from their lives, GREAT!
I think women have to stop with the ‘I can do/have it all’ myth.
You can not have a time consuming career, involved sport, AND a family which you are fully involved in, if you want your kids raised by nannies, then go for it!
But I think we tell women that they can have it all [and leave out the caveat ‘not all at once’] and set them and perhaps their partners up to fail.
