Boyfriend Is Jealous of Horse?

[french_fry]

[QUOTE=Angela Freda;8091778]
I think women have to stop with the ‘I can do/have it all’ myth.
You can not have a time consuming career, involved sport, AND a family which you are fully involved in, if you want your kids raised by nannies, then go for it!
But I think we tell women that they can have it all [and leave out the caveat ‘not all at once’] and set them and perhaps their partners up to fail.[/QUOTE]

This is exactly my point, though. I said right in my first post that if you want to prioritize horses over having an SO that’s totally fine - just don’t expect your SO to automatically go along with this and demonize him if he doesn’t! Putting horses above having an SO may mean…not having an SO.

I don’t think women can have it all, which is exactly why I’m preaching tolerance towards SO’s who, you know, may want to see their partner more than once or so a week. That is a choice we may have to face - not an expectation that the partner will automatically fall in line and take his place well beneath horses.

[candyappy]

[QUOTE=Stacie;8090612]
If it wasn’t the horse it would be something else.[/QUOTE]

This was my thought after reading your OP. I don’t think it means that you should get rid of him or that the relationship won’t work. He is your boyfriend, not your husband and that means your time is your own to do with as you choose.

I would sit down with him and get this settled out. If it means making a schedule of the time you will spend with him so be it. Sometimes people don’t realize that horses are more than just a hobby, that they relax us and somehow make things sane in an insanely busy life.

If he is truly the one for you he will want the best for you and to please you. If he is unable or unwilling to give on this then he may not be the one for you. In any case it is worth a try.

[PoohLP]

Let me tell you what is out there.

My hubby cooks for me, without being asked gave up tickets to a rock festival to take me to Rolex and bought me an engagement trailer. Winner, winner, chicken dinner…which he made!

I’m not saying your guy isn’t the one, but you need to be really honest with each other about what you expect and need from each other. And you need to be brutally honest about what you can and cannot provide. You are in vet school and that has to be your first priority. It isn’t unreasonable for him to occasionally ask you to do something to support him or what he wants, but he needs to understand that sometimes you will say no. If he isn’t ok with that, it is better to know now rather than later.

[RPM]

she’ll get better! Be patient!

OP, you wrote that about his dog, but I think he needs to learn patience in other aspects of his life as well.

My first reaction was that he is pretty needy, but I second-guessed myself on that. Maybe, as your horse-in-training is your dream horse(?), maybe you are like a dream girl to this guy. Maybe he wants you to be everything he dreams a woman should be to him (nothing wrong with that!) and he hasn’t realized that you are your own person with a life of your own.

But if you are in serious relationship with this guy (he is someone you are in love with and want to marry at some point), then he must at least have an equal priority to your vet career and your showing career. You are already trying to balance your career with your showing; now you have a third burner going on the stove, this man.

Must he always come 3rd in line to your horse and your career training? Sounds like he is at this point. And if you one day get married and have kids, you better believe they will be demanding you feed them!

IMO you need to figure out your priorities. Just remember that this guy has a heart (as well as a stomach and guy parts), whereas a job does not. Not saying you should give up your career for him, but will just repeat that you already have career and horse’s career – just because this man is an adult and you may feel he should understand he has to take 3rd place in your life sometimes, that doesn’t mean he does understand. Maybe he’s not so much needy as he loves you and wants to be with you.

How about taking him to the barn with a lot and teaching him how to help you with horse, or at least to be happy to be there with you and not get bored and want to go home before you’re done?

[hopashore1]

Feeling compelled to add in–my fiance is also in a couple of bands/musician and I hear you on the hauling equipment at gigs! I haven’t read all the responses to apologies if I’m being repetitive!

He sounds like a good guy who has expectations of how his relationships should go. He likes the horses but doesn’t “get” the lifestyle and he likes being able to expect to have you around in your free time. He may adjust, but being realistic he may not. But you need to have a serious conversation with him about it–let him know that those kinds of feelings aren’t ok and if he can’t get a handle on them this relationship won’t work. You need to help him understand that, to you, you’re not putting the horses before him. The horses are a part of you–you’re putting YOURSELF before him, which maybe is a much healthier relationship than he’s ever had before and may take him some time to understand and see as a good thing.

Analogies help. Tell him to imagine if his guitar (or drums, or whatever he plays) had its own schedule of when it slept and ate and needed to be worked within certain hours on a regular basis otherwise it didn’t sound as good the next time he picked it up or might suddenly decide it wasn’t going to work correctly right then. That’s a horse. Your horse–and your competitive goals–are just as important to you as music is to him, and that it seems like he’s asking you to sacrifice the quality of you riding in order to be with him.

He likes to make big gestures to show you how much he cares–he wants to take you out to bars and shows and show you off and be seen with you–ok that’s really sweet. There’s nothing inherently wrong with him wanting to do that. And maybe he feels like he can’t when he doesn’t know your schedule. Perhaps you can let him know your week’s schedule for when you plan on riding in advance–that way he knows if you’re busy friday night all the way on monday and can plan accordingly. Or even share a google calendar with him or something so he knows when you have horse shows planned. Let him know that while you love going out with him and love that he wants to be with you and show you off that you completely trust him, and he shouldn’t feel like he can’t go out to a bar or a show or see his other friends just because you’re busyt that night.

I’ve found it’s hard on guys who don’t come from a farm/horse-y background because they feel like there’s this whole other life that you have separate from him. If you can include him a bit more, even in just the scheduling and planning aspect, it might help.

There are plenty of stories where it keeps getting worse–some of them are relayed on here But I do personally know several other cases where it’s worked out–so if you really want this relationship to work don’t lose hope yet!

[KandC]

@Kwill;8091577

So the face brush incident … he is researching it to get you a really nice one, and you just go off and buy one and then tease him about it?

How much giving are you willing to do? It sounds like you are a bit thoughtless, too, and maybe he has a legitimate gripe about your attention. Could you have waited and let him buy it for you?

I can definitely be a bit thoughtless. With the face brush, I just teased him, “I just caught your dog’s puke in my hands and you won’t even buy this for me.” To which he responded (bummed) : “I would have if you had let me.”

But from day 1, I have established I’m not a fan of big lavish presents; they make me uncomfortable since I don’t have the financial means to reciprocate, and since then he’s scaled back to an article of clothing or horse tack once in a while if we’re out shopping together and I mention I like something but can’t afford it. So it was just our usual, “Let me buy it for you” “No- I worked hard for this money and I want to buy it myself”, and he dropped the subject.

[KandC]

[QUOTE=Action42;8091602]
OP, you didn’t ask for my opinion, but as a fellow vet and rider, I thought I’d share a story…

I met my (ex) DH in undergrad. He knew from the get-go that I wanted to go to vet school and didn’t see myself starting a family at the very least until my career was established and possibly, ever. He was supportive enough through undergrad, and through the beginning of vet school. We got married the summer after my second year (I was 25). After we got married, he started complaining about how much time I spent studying or at school, and I reminded him that this was all part of the plan that he signed up for.

Since I “was so busy” all the time, he started playing MMORPG games as his hobby. I was fine with it, since it kept him busy and lessened the need to be available to him 24/7. Over time, his support was less and less obvious, he started refusing to go to functions with me and I started doing more and more on my own.

I graduated, all was well, I got an equine internship that was local (because we couldn’t possibly consider moving one or both of us for my job) and started working. I didn’t make much money and he started complaining about how I wasn’t contributing enough to the household. He was also now playing MMORPG’s 6 nights a week from 7pm-1am.

Ultimately, our relationship failed, and in the meantime, the stress of it made me a supremely unhappy person. I didn’t get to enjoy being out of school , or starting my new career. He said he would support me starting my own equine ambulatory practice, then asked for a divorce 5 months after it opened up leaving me a new business owner with no income and no support. It’s all well and good now, I own 2 practices and get to do what I want with my time. But, there was a year or so in there that was absolute hell.

Know what bothers me most about your post? My ex said this to me too:

“I don’t know, I just thought that once we got married, it would be better. Then I thought that when you graduated it would be better. And then I thought that if you had a job it would be better. And I guess I always figured maybe you weren’t that serious and I could change your mind about kids.”

He thought that it would always be “better” someday in the future. There are always stresses in life, getting out into the world isn’t any less stressful or busy than being in school. This isn’t a man, he’s a child, whining about how he isn’t getting his way and biding his time until someday it’s “better”. Do you know what better for him is? It’s when you have all your time free to spend on his whims. Ditch him, focus on your career path, and let him go in search of “better” elsewhere.

You, OP, deserve “better”. Not him.[/QUOTE]

I just want to say that I told him things would be better. School is very draining on me emotionally and mentally, but I tend to thrive once I’m in the clinic. I may not have time, but I also won’t be mentally spent in the same way. Obviously I expect to have bad days and good days in the clinic, but every day at school is a bad day for me, whereas I love working. I plan on doing small animal emergency or specializing.

We’re taking it a step at a time; the second he becomes more a burden and less of a blessing, he’s gone. For now though, he supports me and makes me happy despite his flaws.

We’re also in no rush to get engaged/married/move in (not to say you rushed!). One year is still a pretty young relationship, and I think we’ve just exited the honeymoon phase.

[KandC]

[QUOTE=RPM;8091848]

How about taking him to the barn with a lot and teaching him how to help you with horse, or at least to be happy to be there with you and not get bored and want to go home before you’re done?[/QUOTE]

He enjoys going to the barn; he usually wants to help me groom and feed the horses treats. He’s also the one who takes pictures/videos at shows and clinics, and helps me with my blog. I mean, this guy has sat through 40 minute one sided conversations about saddles, gets excited about touring thoroughbred farms (said it was the highlight of his last trip to Lexington), and wants to go on a “trail ride” every time we’re at Kentucky Horse Park. He likes horses, but because it’s more of a “you love them, so I love them”, so he can’t wrap his head around the passion and commitment.

[roamingnome]

@KandC;8091887

I just want to say that I told him things would be better. School is very draining on me emotionally and mentally, but I tend to thrive once I’m in the clinic. I may not have time, but I also won’t be mentally spent in the same way. Obviously I expect to have bad days and good days in the clinic, but every day at school is a bad day for me, whereas I love working. I plan on doing small animal emergency or specializing.

If you plan on running your own practice, (which you mentioned somewhere above) it won’t just be seeing animals all day- there’s books to keep, payroll, marketing, etc etc etc.
Also, I’m pretty sure it’s face time the BF is looking for. You just said “you may not have the time”- doesn’t matter if you’re emotionally happy, if he expects to see you X hours/day, Y days/week, it may not be “better” for him- only for YOU.

[Stacie]

[QUOTE=KandC;8090687]
I just wish he knew that my being busy and not particularly house-wifey (I love cooking and cleaning and all that good stuff, but right now, I’ve been eating soup from a can when I remember to eat!) is more temporary because of me being a student, and less me just blatantly not caring.[/QUOTE]
This quote is worrying. He is a boyfriend, not a spouse. Why should you, or he, expect you to be house-wifey? This quote strongly suggests that this is what he wants. As a vet, and a rider, you will likely NEVER have the time to be house-wifey. Why do you feel apologetic about the life you are living? It’s a wonderful life. On your death-bed I doubt you will be sorry you didn’t clean and cook more. You feel tension to be someone and to do things solely because this person wants those things from you. Would you have this tension without him? If the answer is “No”, think about why this is so and whether that is how you want to feel.

[Ruth0552]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone who might not be the one. There is also nothing wrong with being 24 and dating someone casually.

If you are happy and it is a healthy relationship (by reasonable standards not COTH) then be young and enjoy life.

If your clock was ticking and you were looking for the one I’d tell you stop wasting your time and move one, but really, at 24? Does anyone really know?

[roseymare]

Just because someone enjoys the bar scene at 24 also has no bearing on what they will be doing in the future.

My liver was good to me in college…I depended on its filtration ability quite regularly for 8 years. Last time I had an alcoholic drink was August. Same for DH…

[RhythmNCruise]

One thing I noticed, OP, is that you mentioned he works from home? Is that right? Meanwhile you’re at school and then at the clinic and then out at the barn riding. You mentioned you need time to decompress from people. I totally understand that! (I teach high school…and I’m an introvert by nature…I’d die if I couldn’t be alone when I got home). Anyway, your BF sounds as if he might spend a portion of his day isolated from people? Working at home? So when the evenings roll around, you’re ready to decompress and he’s ready to go out and be social!

Might be totally off the mark, but it occurred to me so I thought I’d mention it.

I really believe in the saying, “Don’t settle for one you can live with, hold out for one you can’t live without.” Of course, I’m 41 and single, so…yeah…LOL. But I’m very happily single, and still believe I’ll find “the one” eventually. I might be 80 when I find him, but I’ll find him, hahaha.

Good luck to you, girl!

[PeteyPie]

[QUOTE=Coanteen;8091518]

OP, I agree, this needs more communication. If you share schedules, and he makes dinner plans based on that but you’ve rescheduled a lesson without telling him and now it conflicts with the dinner plans, you can see why that would be frustrating. As an example, since you mentioned rescheduled-lesson-dinner-plans before.
Neither of you is wrong or mean in such an instance, but you guys do need to get on the same page about scheduling (this includes possibly not having him schedule anything unless you pre-approve the date, and then sticking to that date unless someone’s dying. Whatever works for you both).

You should also talk about significant dates. I’m not religious either, but Easter is a time I prioritize family; perhaps it was the same for your bf, and he became whiny when you prioritized a ride on what he considered a significant date. Not your fault as you’re not a mind reader, but again, shows this needs a bit more communication.[/QUOTE]

This bit about the significance of the holiday jumped out at me too. I had the impression of your boyfriend putting out a feeler to establish an Easter tradition with a special meal – a tradition for the two of you. You say that Easter is not a holiday which you celebrate, which is fine for you, but it would be a huge thing for me if my SO blew off a major holiday – and I am talking about the family traditions, not the religious aspects. You are starting out how you will continue to go on, and I can see how this would be something which your boyfriend might have an issue with.

My criticism of him is not that he is controlling or demanding, because I don’t know enough to form an opinion on that, but he should communicate better. Saying “Cook for me!” doesn’t accomplish much except to irritate you. But to get to the bottom of this, you might want to ask him how he usually celebrates that holiday (and others) and then figure out a way to make it fun for both of you. If you do not want to observe the day in any way, make it clear to him.

Be aware that although the day is not important to you, if it is a family tradition with him, he’s hearing talk all around; “I’m making ham,” “We’re having lamb,” “…hot crossed buns,” “…chocolate bunnies,” “…egg hunts,” “…the nieces have new dresses,” “Where are you going for Easter?” I’m just saying this might have prompted the request from him.

[Sparrowette]

[QUOTE=KandC;8091432]
Just in to say- the band is his hobby. I don’t know that playing a gig 1-3x a month locally constitutes as a wannabe Rock Star (again- been there, dated that, have the t-shirt, never again). He has a very well paying job. Band is his hobby and I help out carrying equipment (a guitar, maybe a box of wires/spare parts) to help out while the guys lug the amps. Which is the equivalent of him coming to a horse show and fetching water/food/wiping off my boots/horses’ legs, so I suppose I want a groom and a sugar daddy by that logic. (…)[/QUOTE]

K&C, On a lighter note:

"What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

[DJohn]

Sparrowette, I love you! That one had me smiling.

Seriously though, the more I read your posts, the more “wrong” it seems. You really want this guy to be “the one” maybe he’s handsome, maybe he’s a fancy guitar player (been there, done that) and the thought of being with him is a big deal to you at the moment. Let me tell you, a musician is just someone who can play an instrument. That’s it, that’s all. Nothing special about that, really. For some reason girls go nuts for that (I used to), but it’s just a hobby.

Second, if you are on your way to the barn and you feel GUILTY about it (think about that next time you’re on your way), he’s the wrong guy! Horse time is important! Your horse was there before him and (hopefully) will be there during and after him.

Don’t let him mess up your priorities in life!

[Dreamwalker]

[QUOTE=RhythmNCruise;8092114]
One thing I noticed, OP, is that you mentioned he works from home? Is that right? Meanwhile you’re at school and then at the clinic and then out at the barn riding. You mentioned you need time to decompress from people. I totally understand that! (I teach high school…and I’m an introvert by nature…I’d die if I couldn’t be alone when I got home). Anyway, your BF sounds as if he might spend a portion of his day isolated from people? Working at home? So when the evenings roll around, you’re ready to decompress and he’s ready to go out and be social!

Might be totally off the mark, but it occurred to me so I thought I’d mention it.

I really believe in the saying, “Don’t settle for one you can live with, hold out for one you can’t live without.” Of course, I’m 41 and single, so…yeah…LOL. But I’m very happily single, and still believe I’ll find “the one” eventually. I might be 80 when I find him, but I’ll find him, hahaha.

Good luck to you, girl![/QUOTE]

This jumped out to me also. Introverts and extroverts decompress differently neither is wrong, just different.
Although I do also agree with others that some of this behaviour is red flag stuff.
But I also see a young couple trying to work out how their relationship will work. It used to be easy, there were defined roles…and enough people messed that up too!

So think about introverts and extroverts, read the love languages books or read their stuff online, consult your therapist…and tread cautiously if you wish to continue this relationship. I’m not seeing a good fit atm

[amm2cd]

You know how us COTHers are always telling people to buy the horse that you can ride NOW?

That same idea applies to “the One”. The odds of that first time Newbie horse owner training their fresh-off-the-range baby mustang with only love and sunshine are better than a project relationship working out.

Ask me how I know.

If you’re just having fun in the now? Sure, go for it. Rack up those life lessons.

Now, I have to shoot a text to the guy in my life to thank him for being just right for me as I start a (horse) business, working crazy hours and spending hourse talking/thinking/living dressage. Whew. And you know the best thing? I wouldn’t change a thing about him and he doesnt want things to get “better” to be happy with me. That’s the goal, isnt it?

[reubenT]

In my almost 50 years I’ve watched quite a few relationships come, and some go, in the lives of those around me. I’ve chosen to remain free of it until the right time comes. I have come to see clearly that the best relationship is where both people involved are always putting the happiness of the other first. If one or both don’t do that it doesn’t work. It also works best if both enjoy doing the same things. My eventual partner in life will prefer being with the horses than anywhere else, me too. If she hates cooking that’s fine, because I do too. But I do enjoy growing good food, so we’ll just run to the garden or greenhouse, pick it and eat it fresh, and get back to the barn or training.

[macmtn]

[QUOTE=Sparrowette;8092267]
K&C, On a lighter note:

"What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless[/QUOTE]

:lol: