Boyfriend Is Jealous of Horse?

[S1969]

[QUOTE=JustTheTicket;8091497]
Lol. Were some of you ever actually 24? I and all of my 24 year old friends went to bars on the weekends. Some weeknights too. We were hardly what you consider “bar flies.” People in their early 20s go to bars/clubs to socialize. They get hangovers. That doesn’t automatically make them immature alcoholics. I made it to 29 without going to rehab, or anyone actually thinking I might have a drinking problem, so there’s hope. And I won’t lie, I am a bit of a trainwreck. :lol:

OP, I feel you. Boys are frustrating. So is CoTH. You should probably know better than to share any relationship troubles here because, consensus tells us that the only male in your life should be your horse.
My advice is keep talking to your therapist and boyfriend. Its only been a year. You’re figuring each other out. And hopefully it works out for you guys. I wouldn’t listen to everyone here saying he’s a controlling abuser. You know him and we don’t. Good luck![/QUOTE]

LOL I haven’t made it to the end of the thread yet but had to chime in here. Yes - I am 45 and I remember going to bars in my 20s. And GASP my 30s! (And, don’t tell my kids…at least once or twice in my 40s).

I must be a total loser/alcoholic/in an abusive relationship.

I think the OP sounds pretty in control of things right now. I do think 24 was a long time ago for a lot of COTH posters. We’d all like to re-do some of our 20s with our 40+ year old brain (or 50, 60, etc.) but we can’t.

Maybe the OP will find this relationship isn’t for her, in the end…or maybe it will be. I don’t think she’s in danger yet.

And I do agree that the majority of COTH women would feel differently if the genders were reversed – the boyfriend who works, goes to school AND needs time to go to the studio to practice several times a week (sometimes with little or no notice), plus frequent weekend all day “shows” and expects the girlfriend to “like it or lump it”…even if she feels that she is a lower priority than “his hobby.”

[S1969]

[QUOTE=S1969;8092623]
And I do agree that the majority of COTH women would feel differently if the genders were reversed – the boyfriend who works, goes to school AND needs time to go to the studio to practice several times a week (sometimes with little or no notice), plus frequent weekend all day “shows” and expects the girlfriend to “like it or lump it”…even if she feels that she is a lower priority than “his hobby.”[/QUOTE]

Giggling to myself as I imagine COTH’s reaction to:

“He said if I want to spend more time with him, I could go to the studio the nights he practices to watch him play, so long as I’m not annoying and get bored and wish we could leave. And he said I could learn how to do things that would help him, like how to restring his guitar.”

[HorseAlter123]

If a greater number of men were as kind, compassionate, and forgiving as the horses in our lives, we would see fewer of these “WWYD?” threads.

[Coanteen]

[QUOTE=HorseAlter123;8092648]
If a greater number of men were as kind, compassionate, and forgiving as the horses in our lives, we would see fewer of these “WWYD?” threads.[/QUOTE]

If a greater number of women were, ditto :winkgrin:

[Countrywood]

I hardly see horses as kind, compassionate and forgiving. They’d rather live in a herd than with us. I love them, spend all my avail disposable income on mine …but compassionate? Horses will kick each other and maim each other over a pile of hay. They are sensitive and have feelings but they dont’ reason or love on human terms.

In terms of men/women…imo the older women (over 40, which is me) , tend to advise female posters in troubled relationships to move on, only because the perspective of years imparts a vastly different viewpoint. The reality is that despite all the strides of equality , the pool of desireable partners is vastly different as they age for men than it is for women,

[SuckerForHorses]

We’re taking it a step at a time; the second he becomes more a burden and less of a blessing, he’s gone. For now though, he supports me and makes me happy despite his flaws.

If this is the case, I guess I am forgetting why this thread was started in the first place…

[french_fry]

[QUOTE=S1969;8092641]
Giggling to myself as I imagine COTH’s reaction to:

“He said if I want to spend more time with him, I could go to the studio the nights he practices to watch him play, so long as I’m not annoying and get bored and wish we could leave. And he said I could learn how to do things that would help him, like how to restring his guitar.”[/QUOTE]

Truth.

The double standard here is mind-boggling.

I love that the COTH solution to time constraints is, “FORCE YOUR BF TO BECOME HORSEY AT THE EXPENSE OF HIS OWN HOBBIES AND INTERESTS” whereas if we were hearing about how a COTHer’s SO wanted her to give up riding days to learn how to help him work on his car…

[KandC]

[QUOTE=SuckerForHorses;8092747]
If this is the case, I guess I am forgetting why this thread was started in the first place…[/QUOTE]

I was looking for tips on balancing a relationship outside of horses. Got something else altogether. :eek:

On the bright side, talked to him about the whole thing. He wanted to do something special for Easter (I didn’t realize holidays were a big deal), and just felt like I wasn’t pulling my weight in the relationship because of all my outside commitments. We had another long talk, and our goal is for me to plan 1 date a month. When I told him I’m not cutting back on riding and went on the offense, he said never meant for it to come across as making me spend time away from the barn, and he told me he knows that it’s good for me physically and mentally (barn time makes me nicer). In fact, he’ll probably be at a horse show this weekend (poor thing).

I’m hoping we just got our wires crossed. I was looking for advice from COTHers who have managed to successfully balance horses, a full time job (in my case school), and a relationship.

[RhythmNCruise]

OP, I hate to say it, but have you considered euthanasia? There’s no shame in it. You could pass your problem off to someone else, I guess, but what if he hurts the next woman? Is that really fair? I mean, think of him too. He’s in a no-win situation being attracted to independent women but wanting them to cook him holiday meals and spend quality time with him. He’s bound for a life of disappointment and a string of broken relationships. Can you live with yourself if ten years down the road he is in a nasty divorce that leaves him financially, mentally, and emotionally destroyed. Or what if these things ARE red flags and he’s destined to be an abusive husband to some unsuspecting woman? I’m just sayin’.

(Note: This is not serious. I do no want the OP to euthanize her boyfriend. If he were a horse, though, it would’ve already been suggested.)

[KandC]

[QUOTE=RhythmNCruise;8092780]
OP, I hate to say it, but have you considered euthanasia? There’s no shame in it. You could pass your problem off to someone else, I guess, but what if he hurts the next woman? Is that really fair? I mean, think of him too. He’s in a no-win situation being attracted to independent women but wanting them to cook him holiday meals and spend quality time with him. He’s bound for a life of disappointment and a string of broken relationships. Can you live with yourself if ten years down the road he is in a nasty divorce that leaves him financially, mentally, and emotionally destroyed. Or what if these things ARE red flags and he’s destined to be an abusive husband to some unsuspecting woman? I’m just sayin’.

(Note: This is not serious. I do no want the OP to euthanize her boyfriend. If he were a horse, though, it would’ve already been suggested.)[/QUOTE]

He’s still got a spark in his eyes. I’m hoping he’ll come around.

[HorseAlter123]

[QUOTE=Countrywood;8092723]
I hardly see horses as kind, compassionate and forgiving. They’d rather live in a herd than with us. I love them, spend all my avail disposable income on mine …but compassionate? Horses will kick each other and maim each other over a pile of hay. They are sensitive and have feelings but they dont’ reason or love on human terms.

In terms of men/women…imo the older women (over 40, which is me) , tend to advise female posters in troubled relationships to move on, only because the perspective of years imparts a vastly different viewpoint. The reality is that despite all the strides of equality , the pool of desireable partners is vastly different as they age for men than it is for women,[/QUOTE]

How come you can’t enjoy a humorous comment without pontificating on why you disagree with it instead of just ignoring it?

What I said has nothing to do with the things you described the way you did.

The point is, there are a lot of men that see something go wrong in a relationship, even from little things such as “ZOMG she said some little thing X, what does it mean, I must flee!” and they break off the relationship. On the other hand, there are horses that might have a disagreement with their rider, or maybe the rider is tough on them, but they get over it and figure out the partnership and continue on. Not all of them are like this but many of them are. That is what I mean by “forgiving and compassionate”. It might not be internalized the same way humans do, but the outward appearance is similar. Too many men break off relationships for silly, petty things. Many horses will still work for their rider in spite of a bad ride, a disagreement, etc. Some men don’t know how to do that with the women in their lives, which is why some of enjoy being single, or at least aren’t willing to settle…

[Countrywood]

got it good point!

[S1969]

[QUOTE=HorseAlter123;8092821]
Some men don’t know how to do that with the women in their lives, which is why some of enjoy being single, or at least aren’t willing to settle…[/QUOTE]

And obviously, some women. Especially women on COTH, given the responses on this thread. :lol:

[french_fry]

[QUOTE=KandC;8092787]
He’s still got a spark in his eyes. I’m hoping he’ll come around. :D[/QUOTE]

I keep coming back to this thread and cracking up over this.

Well done, OP! Way to keep your sense of humor in the face of accusations of alcoholism. :lol:

[Sandy_M]

[QUOTE=S1969;8092641]
Giggling to myself as I imagine COTH’s reaction to:

“He said if I want to spend more time with him, I could go to the studio the nights he practices to watch him play, so long as I’m not annoying and get bored and wish we could leave. And he said I could learn how to do things that would help him, like how to restring his guitar.”[/QUOTE]

True - to a degree - but a guitar/sax/bass doesn’t require food, doesn’t maim itself given half a chance, doesn’t NEED to be exercised multiple times a week, etc. We often say that many people don’t understand that a horse isn’t a bicycle -you can’t ride it, then stick it in the garage and forget about it for weeks and it will be fine. While there is artistic commitment to be a musician (though the person in question does it for a hobby, not a career), it doesn’t have the same requirements as caring for/exercising a competition horse or ANY horse.

[kdow]

[QUOTE=KandC;8092761]

I’m hoping we just got our wires crossed. I was looking for advice from COTHers who have managed to successfully balance horses, a full time job (in my case school), and a relationship.[/QUOTE]

I think one thing is that you WON’T always be able to find a good balance, and it is important to talk about that aspect, also. Because of those three things, only one (the SO) is able to really understand why you can’t do whatever - school/work can and will have fixed commitments you have to meet as long as you want to keep that job, and animals have needs and you can’t explain to them “sorry, I can’t meet your basic needs because of reason, so you’ll need to figure it out some other way” because you are responsible for them. As the only one of the three that is able to intellectually understand you don’t have infinite time and energy, the SO is just gonna get the short end of the stick sometimes. It isn’t about caring less, it’s about where you realistically have options.

I think maybe one of the issues people have in general with relationships when there are animals involved is that some people just don’t get the responsibility part fully - either because they didn’t have animals themselves or because they never realized how much work the family dog was, or whatever. So sometimes that is a topic that needs to be specifically addressed - “this is how I feel about my responsibility towards my dog/horse/goat.”

I know my housemate (not an SO, just a good friend, I live in an apartmenty thing in the house he has with his wife and kid) who didn’t have pets as a kid REALLY didn’t understand some of the things I’d said in the past about having responsibility towards the dog until I moved in with a dog and he actually saw how it worked out. Lots of little things that he just hadn’t considered until he saw them, like having to stand around freezing in winter because the dog needs to go out and if not get a walk, at least spend some time having a good sniff around. Or dragging myself out of bed with a migraine to let the dog out/feed the dog/check the water/give the dog some cuddles because you can’t just ask a dog to not eat or drink or pee until your brain stops trying to explode, yknow?

So I wonder if it might be worth sometimes having a conversation that goes something like “I don’t want to put you last, but sometimes I feel like I have to because these other responsibilities are non-negotiable. That doesn’t mean I care less about you than these other things, it is just that you are an adult human who can intellectually understand why I can’t do things. If you feel like I have been doing that too much, please say so - it is okay to express that you are sad or hurt even though intellectually you understand. I may not be able to give you more time right that second, but I will try to find a good time to talk and see if we can figure out how to fit something in so we get more time together, and I will at least try to make sure you understand why I have been so busy.” (Major project, finals, sick animal, etc.)

[NoSuchPerson]

Tips on balancing everything?

You can’t. Not on a short time scale. Of necessity, some aspect of your life is always going to need more attention and take more of your time. And the more things you chose to try to balance, the less time you’re going to have for any one thing.The best you can do, if a relationship is one of those things you’re trying to balance, is to be in a relationship with someone who understands this and supports your efforts to juggle that many things.

And clear and open communication is essential. Both parties have got to speak freely and immediately about what they want, need, and expect.

I’m one of those who agrees with whoever it was that said “You can have everything, you just can’t have it all at the same time.”

[chestnuthunter]

[QUOTE=KandC;8090991]
I see it as a 24 year old boy who feels sidelined by his very busy girlfriend. [/QUOTE]

Oh my goodness I said these exact words a few months ago. I had one of those 24 year olds, let me tell you it does not end well. This is needy, manipulative behavior that stems from a lack of self confidence. I would clear my schedule to make time for him, text and ask how his day was going constantly, make dinner when I was exhausted, and it was never enough.

The ladies of COTH gave me some excellent advice that I won’t forget. Please RUN. People don’t change, seriously. You deserve someone who has enough of their own wants, goals, activities, etc who does not feel sidelined or threatened by what you do. And do you know what this person eventually does when they do feel sidelined? They cheat.

I see that you are headed down the same road I was. “Oh but he’s a good guy, he just has x, y, and z issues.” I don’t know all the ins and outs of your situation, but I would strongly encourage you to flee!

[S1969]

[QUOTE=Sandy M;8092891]
True - to a degree - but a guitar/sax/bass doesn’t require food, doesn’t maim itself given half a chance, doesn’t NEED to be exercised multiple times a week, etc. We often say that many people don’t understand that a horse isn’t a bicycle -you can’t ride it, then stick it in the garage and forget about it for weeks and it will be fine. While there is artistic commitment to be a musician (though the person in question does it for a hobby, not a career), it doesn’t have the same requirements as caring for/exercising a competition horse or ANY horse.[/QUOTE]

But, you’re sort of missing my point. Obviously we all know that a guitar doesn’t need to be fed. It is still entirely possible that the musician would still need as much TIME for his hobby as an equestrian needs for his/her hobby.

Maybe a better example would be bird hunting. The boyfriend needs to spend at least 3-5 evenings training with his dog, and spends 1-2 weekends a month at hunt tests. And if the dog gets sick or injured, or has a training problem, the other 2-3 free evenings that week might have to be devoted to the dog, not the girlfriend.

So the boyfriend says “hey, if you want to spend more time with me, you can come watch me train my dog with my buddies. Make sure to bring a chair and a warm coat, because it’s going to take a couple of hours. Oh, and if you want, I can teach you to clip my dog’s nails and pick the burrs out of his coat while you wait for me.”

Everyone here is good with that?

[S1969]

[QUOTE=Sandy M;8092891]
True - to a degree - but a guitar/sax/bass doesn’t require food, doesn’t maim itself given half a chance, doesn’t NEED to be exercised multiple times a week, etc. We often say that many people don’t understand that a horse isn’t a bicycle -you can’t ride it, then stick it in the garage and forget about it for weeks and it will be fine. While there is artistic commitment to be a musician (though the person in question does it for a hobby, not a career), it doesn’t have the same requirements as caring for/exercising a competition horse or ANY horse.[/QUOTE]

But, you’re sort of missing my point. Obviously we all know that a guitar doesn’t need to be fed. It is still entirely possible that the musician would still need as much TIME for his hobby as an equestrian needs for his/her hobby.

Maybe a better example would be bird hunting. The boyfriend needs to spend at least 3-5 evenings training with his dog, and spends 1-2 weekends a month at hunt tests. And if the dog gets sick or injured, or has a training problem, the other 2-3 free evenings that week might have to be devoted to the dog, not the girlfriend.

So the boyfriend says “hey, if you want to spend more time with me, you can come watch me train my dog with my buddies. Make sure to bring a chair and a warm coat, because it’s going to take a couple of hours. Oh, and if you want, I can teach you to clip my dog’s nails and pick the burrs out of his coat while you wait for me.”

Everyone here is good with that?