Boyfriend Is Jealous of Horse?

[Angela_Freda]

I think these last posts by Sandy M, and Kdow are an interesting thought.
How many of us in horses complain that ‘no one gets it’?
That can be very hard to overcome.

My DH finally, FINALLY got it when Yoster’s fetlocks fell from DSLD and we had to retire him [and we spent quite the time trying to figure out what was wrong with him, with me sleeping on my trunk in front of his stall, expecting to put him down the next morning before that revelation] and then again when he suffering repeated bouts of cellulitis/lymphangitis, and needed my attention during his last 2 years.
DH finally, in those moments understood it* a little better.

*what horses, and this horse meant to me

I think for one thing, at least in my case, my horsey-ness amongst others who weren’t even the least bit interested in them… made me majorly defensive/protective/craving of my horse/horse time/pursuit.

That is to say that no one in my family was horsey. Not one.
My stepdad, bless him, humored me… and treated me to day trips to shows, and for a few years, weekly lessons. He did what he could… but we weren’t well off, and then mom left him…

So I grew up misunderstood, and craving more, more, more horses… so when I finally got out of college and could do it for myself, I did, and there wasn’t no one, no how gonna’ come between it and me. I worked several jobs, and went without to have/keep that horse… again some thought I was crazy, but for me it was fulfilling not something I wanted, but part of who I was that I could finally actualize.

So anyway, I’m thinking maybe a spin-off thread in Off Topic re: making those not horsey understand what this affliction means…

ETA what this means re: this thread is that the SO doesn’t have to understand that horse addiction, but they do/should respect it, if it really and truly does mean all that much to you. Same with school and future career.
That doesn’t and shouldn’t imply demonizing him or dumping him if he doesn’t, just that it can be a struggle, as others have mentioned, to juggle it all with a partner who doesn’t.
It also doesn’t mean he’s bad and horsewoman is good… it just means that anyone with a pursuit/passion that can be time consuming [whether horses or music or acting or bird hunting] has to be prepared to understand what they are/aren’t willing to compromise regarding that pursuit when it comes to other demands/interests. And as someone else noted, communication is key… recognizing when you are feeling neglected before it turns into a huge blow up, for example.

[RhythmNCruise]

I think the bottom line here is this. If you WANT to spend more time with him, you will. The end. Period. If spending time with him takes effort and is considered “one more thing” that you have to “balance” in your life, then it’s probably best to cut him loose so that you can both continue with your lives and be ready when the person you WILL make time for without any hesitation appears. In short, the fact that you even started this thread is sort of proof that you know the relationship isn’t going anywhere. By entitling it “Boyfriend is Jealous of Horse?” you had to know what kind of response you were going to get here on CoTH. You’re using this place as a sounding board and “arguing” the situation with posters here is really you working out both sides in your own heart and mind. You’re the only one who truly knows how you FEEL about this young man. Be true to that and act accordingly.

[S1969]

[QUOTE=Angela Freda;8092956]
ETA what this means re: this thread is that the SO doesn’t have to understand that horse addiction, but they do/should respect it, if it really and truly does mean all that much to you. [/QUOTE]

Yes, I agree. So long as the horse addicted partner respects the other person’s hobby(ies) as much. If this level of respect/understanding only applies to people who are addicted to horses, then no.

[Coanteen]

The horse’s basic needs are being met - OP seems to be in a full board situation, as least that’s how I read it. And yes, a horse in active work with an eye to competing does actually need to be exercised, but for one holiday dinner together the exercise session could be dropped.

Or the laundry could, or the cleaning.

I still read this as a miscommunication on both parts; OP has said she didn’t realize the holiday meant so much to the bf, and the bf clearly failed to communicate both that fact and what his concept of this holiday date was supposed to be.

Fact is, the relationship was dead last on the priority list on that holiday, not due to not caring (I think) but due to communication issues. “Balancing”, when one is that busy, involves continually reprioritising the moving pieces in one’s life accordingly. So yes, sometimes the relationship will come last, and sometimes the ride will, and sometimes laundry will. Which takes priority at what time is the whole art of it, since one can’t squeeze everything into the day. If the relationship always comes last, it won’t survive.

[CaitlinandTheBay]

[QUOTE=RhythmNCruise;8092780]
OP, I hate to say it, but have you considered euthanasia? There’s no shame in it. You could pass your problem off to someone else, I guess, but what if he hurts the next woman? Is that really fair? I mean, think of him too. He’s in a no-win situation being attracted to independent women but wanting them to cook him holiday meals and spend quality time with him. He’s bound for a life of disappointment and a string of broken relationships. Can you live with yourself if ten years down the road he is in a nasty divorce that leaves him financially, mentally, and emotionally destroyed. Or what if these things ARE red flags and he’s destined to be an abusive husband to some unsuspecting woman? I’m just sayin’.

(Note: This is not serious. I do no want the OP to euthanize her boyfriend. If he were a horse, though, it would’ve already been suggested.)[/QUOTE]

10 points to Gryffindor!

[reay6790]

OP: we are friends on insa. hayyyy!!!

Anyways, 2nd year vet student here. I guess I lucked out in a lot of ways. Dating a team roper who now works for the university managing cattle. He lives with vet students in my class so he gets my time issues with studying for exams. He has just about as much time to ride as I do…which is maybe once a week right now.

I have sacrificed riding some (due to school not boy), but I still check on horse child just about every day of the week. I try to ride on weekends and horse shows just aren’t even possible right now, but I did do 2 foxhunts this winter. When I went on spring break, he picked up my horses supplements and bell boots from my apartment and brought them out to the barn and put the boots on my horse. I’m a spoiled brat.

We are from to very different places, but we get along beautifully. I go to his team ropings and ranch rodeos, and he goes out with me to the barn and watches me ride. Outside of horses, I have compromised by learning to cook, but it does make me happy to feed him on days during the week that I don’t have to study (which sometimes isn’t at all.) We still eat out a lot, but try to go on actual nice dress up dates about once a month. He goes to sleep early (9 pm) during the week because we wakes up early to feed, so I try to be considerate about staying up late when we go out, and usually we leave earlier than I normally would. Totally worth it.

If you wanna talk any about more compromising, please don’t hesistate! Love commiserating about vet school. Fortunately, I have break from May-July and then start clinics, so almost done with class time.

[Unfforgettable]

Hmmmm…have you met his mother? What is she like?

[RhythmNCruise]

[QUOTE=CaitlinandTheBay;8093143]
10 points to Gryffindor![/QUOTE]

OMG, LOL!!!

[Sandy_M]

[QUOTE=S1969;8092940]
But, you’re sort of missing my point. Obviously we all know that a guitar doesn’t need to be fed. It is still entirely possible that the musician would still need as much TIME for his hobby as an equestrian needs for his/her hobby.

Maybe a better example would be bird hunting. The boyfriend needs to spend at least 3-5 evenings training with his dog, and spends 1-2 weekends a month at hunt tests. And if the dog gets sick or injured, or has a training problem, the other 2-3 free evenings that week might have to be devoted to the dog, not the girlfriend.

So the boyfriend says “hey, if you want to spend more time with me, you can come watch me train my dog with my buddies. Make sure to bring a chair and a warm coat, because it’s going to take a couple of hours. Oh, and if you want, I can teach you to clip my dog’s nails and pick the burrs out of his coat while you wait for me.”

Everyone here is good with that?[/QUOTE]

Actually, I would be fine with that. I draw the line at NASCAR.

[SnicklefritzG]

[QUOTE=Sandy M;8093370]
Actually, I would be fine with that. I draw the line at NASCAR.[/QUOTE]

The best thing bout NASCAR are the fans. It is so easy to make fun of them because if they chase you, all you have to do is turn right.

[Anne_FS]

[QUOTE=S1969;8092940]
So the boyfriend says “hey, if you want to spend more time with me, you can come watch me train my dog with my buddies. Make sure to bring a chair and a warm coat, because it’s going to take a couple of hours. Oh, and if you want, I can teach you to clip my dog’s nails and pick the burrs out of his coat while you wait for me.” [/QUOTE]

This is excellent and should be preserved for every time - and there are so many times - this comes up on COH.

[Sandy_M]

[QUOTE=SnicklefritzG;8093448]
The best thing bout NASCAR are the fans. It is so easy to make fun of them because if they chase you, all you have to do is turn right.[/QUOTE]

groan

[candyappy]

[QUOTE=KandC;8092761]
I was looking for tips on balancing a relationship outside of horses. Got something else altogether. :eek:

On the bright side, talked to him about the whole thing. He wanted to do something special for Easter (I didn’t realize holidays were a big deal), and just felt like I wasn’t pulling my weight in the relationship because of all my outside commitments. We had another long talk, and our goal is for me to plan 1 date a month. When I told him I’m not cutting back on riding and went on the offense, he said never meant for it to come across as making me spend time away from the barn, and he told me he knows that it’s good for me physically and mentally (barn time makes me nicer). In fact, he’ll probably be at a horse show this weekend (poor thing).

I’m hoping we just got our wires crossed. I was looking for advice from COTHers who have managed to successfully balance horses, a full time job (in my case school), and a relationship.[/QUOTE]

As long as you continue to talk things out you will be fine. My husband of 23+ years has never been a horse person. He indulges me because he knows how much they mean to me. My response to that is to do what I can to help him when it is needed and do my best to help him do things that are important to him. We have never had much money and I do as much as I can to keep horse expenses low. Keeping them at home is a plus.

The bottom line is that a relationship is a continual give and take for both people involved. Sometimes that means you don’t always get to do what you wanted. Compromise is key. Best of luck.

[SuzieQNutter]

Yes Communication is the key… and also how does he treat his parents? That is how he will treat you. I so wish some one would have told me that before.

I trust my husband. He goes and visits his Dad and stays the night to save fuel.

Now I have started going and staying with my Mum once a week and another day as well during the month. So thatvis 2 night we are apart.

If we do go at the same time, (our oarents live in the same Resort.) I stay with my mum and he stays with his dad.

It is just easier and Mum and I get up earlier while hubby and his dad csn sleep in.

We appreciate the time we are together And I enjoy the me time when he isn’t here.

[yaya]

[QUOTE=SuzieQNutter;8093681]

I trust my husband. He goes and visits his Dad and stays the night to save fuel.[/QUOTE]

Okay, totally off subject here - how does staying the night save fuel? He still has to drive the same distance back home the next day.

[SuzieQNutter]

His dad is the other side of his Work.

He goes to work. He drives to his Dad’s he drives back to work the next day.

I go on a different day to visit my Mum. We have a farm so there is one of us hete to feed, and I do jobs off the internet on the way to pay for my fuel. I also have a riding lesson that night and one in the morning before coming home. Also doing jobs off the internet to pay for the trip home.

It works for us. He trusts me as well.

We were both home last night. I did not sleep in our bed as he is coming down with a cold. It is not because I don’t love him. I just avoid people who are sick.

I told him not to go to his Dad’s tonight as well as he shouldn’t go to work.

He has gone to work. If he doesn’t go to work he has to get a Doctor’s Certificate so he chooses to go to work instead.

He is going to his Dad’s as his Dad gave him the cold.

I am not his mother. I have given him cold/flu tablets, including at 2am this morning. I have suggested he stay at home where I can look after him.

I just let it go when he does the opposite. He is an adult and his germs are gone from here and hopefully he will be much better the next time I see him.

We have done this from when we were married. Some spouses go loopy if the other one isn’t home every night.

[pony_grandma]

[QUOTE=SuzieQNutter;8093681]
I trust my husband. He goes and visits his Dad and stays the night to save fuel.
[/QUOTE] yep and my husband is a remodeling contractor and I can’t tell you the number of times I’d be driving through a subdivision and see his truck parked in front of a house and think ‘oh that’s nice, he’s working!’

[QUOTE=yaya;8093905]Okay, totally off subject here - how does staying the night save fuel? He still has to drive the same distance back home the next day.[/QUOTE] :lol::lol:

[SuzieQNutter]

[QUOTE=pony grandma;8094229]
yep and my husband is a remodeling contractor and I can’t tell you the number of times I’d be driving through a subdivision and see his truck parked in front of a house and think ‘oh that’s nice, he’s working!’

:lol::lol:[/QUOTE]

Was he working or having an affair?

As I said we trust each other and have done this from when we were married.

Also my Mum and his Dad live at the same Resort and that is a small place with gossip.

Not to mention that we live in a small country town and you can’t do anything without everyone knowing.

He actually learns things about our farm before I do being on it as people drive past and then visit him at work.

I had calls and texts the other day when a car drove into the water on the bridge near our property. I knew before they were rescued.

[kdow]

@Coanteen;8093121

The horse’s basic needs are being met - OP seems to be in a full board situation, as least that’s how I read it. And yes, a horse in active work with an eye to competing does actually need to be exercised, but for one holiday dinner together the exercise session could be dropped.

That’s what I mean about communicating, though - due to the responsibility aspects of things like work/school and animal ownership, they AREN’T the same as having a relationship with another adult, and you need to make sure the other adult understands that those responsibilities exist - and sometimes that means making sure they know how you feel about it also, because you don’t have to look far on COTH for examples of things like people who sleep for a week in the barn with a sick horse versus people who hand the horse off to the groom and walk away after a ride. So even within people with the same interests, there can be a lot of variation - you can’t possibly expect someone who has no clue at all to understand what level of responsibility you feel you have unless you TELL THEM.

And hopefully once you’ve spoken about that, it will then make it easier for THEM to understand when they do need to explicitly say ‘hey, I know you have responsibilities, but this thing (like Easter dinner) is really important to me, so can we figure something out?’

It comes down to communication and communication about expectations and what is realistic and what isn’t, and so on. Plus, I think people in general these days often seem afraid to say if they’re experiencing negative emotions, so instead they bottle things up until they can’t anymore. I mean, I’d far rather a significant other say “I understand why you are sleeping in the barn, but I really miss you and it frustrates me” even if we can’t resolve it then and there, than have the SO bottle it up and then it comes out possibly over some unrelated thing. Heck, sometimes just saying ‘I’m frustrated and I miss you’ and having the other person able to respond to that and say ‘I understand, I miss you too.’ and then maybe talk about how you are both feeling in general can be enough to make you feel better - because you get a chance to express the feeling and get acknowledgement that it’s been heard.

So yeah - evenly balancing things with different levels of responsibility is just not always going to be possible, but with good communication and the right combination of personalities and interests, you should be able to be happy even if things aren’t perfectly balanced.

[whitney159]

[QUOTE=RhythmNCruise;8092780]
OP, I hate to say it, but have you considered euthanasia? There’s no shame in it. You could pass your problem off to someone else, I guess, but what if he hurts the next woman? Is that really fair? I mean, think of him too. He’s in a no-win situation being attracted to independent women but wanting them to cook him holiday meals and spend quality time with him. He’s bound for a life of disappointment and a string of broken relationships. Can you live with yourself if ten years down the road he is in a nasty divorce that leaves him financially, mentally, and emotionally destroyed. Or what if these things ARE red flags and he’s destined to be an abusive husband to some unsuspecting woman? I’m just sayin’.

(Note: This is not serious. I do no want the OP to euthanize her boyfriend. If he were a horse, though, it would’ve already been suggested.)[/QUOTE]

I have to sadly agree with this advice. I too once had a boyfriend who was jealous of my horse time, who always felt that he was last on the list and would sulk about it. I was sure he would be fine, he would grow up, he would get better…so I married him. It got worse, and 10 years down the road (no seriously, all told we were together for 10 years) I finally had to divorce him. He was very bitter. No I didn’t destroy him financially (except for the money that went into horses, though I had a good income for that), but emotionally, I don’t think he’ll ever be the same. I prayed another woman would come along that could baby him and spoil him and make him happy in the way he craved. Sadly, it’s been 13 years now and I don’t think he’s found that woman yet…
Thank goodness I found a better man who doesn’t mind the horse thing and doesn’t sulk.

In all seriousness, you need to take a good hard look at your life. If it’s not the horse thing, it’s something else who will take a higher priority (Kids?). If he plays in a band and wants to go out to bars and that’s what he’s in to, how do you see that working out in the next 10 years? Personally, I have enjoyed relationships where the guy had a hobby he was passionate about, but also took time during the same conditions my horse did …nice day? he did triathlons and would be off doing a bike ride while I did a horse ride. Heck, he would want to go for a run, and my TB would LOVE to trot along and keep pace with him. Then at night, we’d both be tuckered out and ready to pop something easy in the oven and pass out on the couch.