Years ago before I started riding my wife was looking for a horse. It seemed every ad ad some version of “perfectly sound”. Then the horse would come out of the barn three legged lame. I told her perfectly sound just meant, not dead yet.
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One I just saw tonight: “$X if a simple process, more if complex” aka 'horse isn’t sound, please don’t do a PPE"
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DH and I drove 2 hours to look at a horse advertised as 15 hands. He was actually 13.2
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Never took a bad step —> I served six hard years in state prison.
Ships, clips, loads — > Taken to many shows and never ribboned. Someone forgot to unload him once when we got home and we discovered him the next day. He was fine.
Kid-safe —> My shoeless grandchildren are full of hookworms.
Old bowed tendon doesn’t bother him —> I’m not really sure what a bowed tendon is but I tasted DMSO once.
Sadly outgrown —> Hasn’t been bathed, clipped, shod, wormed or vaxxed since kid quit riding in 1995.
A barn favorite —> Slobbers like a Great Dane.
Needs a consistent program —> Can smell fear and has a taste for blood.
Super-cute Shetland —> Has gotten away with murder for 20 years and the little monster has at least 10 more years to continue doing so.
Import —> We should have cut our losses a year ago but I got emotionally attached and now I’m looking for a replacement but my husband says it has to be from this country. Also, my husband is having an affair. One day this will make a really good story.
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I met one of these 
Ad in newspaper (yes, that long ago) for older gelding.
I called seller, explained we were looking for a lower level Hunter/Eventer for then-novice DH.
She assures me her horse fits the bill.
Horse is easily caught in pasture, tacked w/o issue & DH rides in a small outdoor. He reports horse feels “stiff”, I see short-strided & mention to seller.
Who assures me “he works out of it”.
Then, when we bring him in to untack, she brings out a shoebox of meds.
I remind her we intend to Event -BN, but still…
“Oh, no!” she says " He can’t jump!"
What part of Hunter or Event from our phone conversation did she not hear? 
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She had no clue what those were but was too prideful to admit it. She probably thought hunter was trail riding and eventer was going to the occasional playday.
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This bit me on my last purchase, but the other way. Bought sight unseen, advertised as 16.2. Didn’t look that big in the pictures, I thought (I prefer around 16hh).
Shipper arrives, unloads her. Holy majoly, she’s every bit of 16.2, plus some, and she’s 3 years old.
gahhh
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she thought you were looking for a party animal who hunted for an event to attend to meet other singles
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I always imagine “sadly outgrown” translates to: My kid has stopped riding because this is a demon in pony form that hates children.
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Suitable for a confident amateur or a pro on a budget = you better have some rodeo buckles in your closet
No fault of her/his own = i’ve made a huge mistake
Slowly and Carefully started = I’m too afraid to canter it
Negotiable to the right home = needs gone YESTERDAY
Has some quirks, PM for more details = cleanup on aisle 7
Forward thinking = it stops when you run it into a wall
Needs some maintenance = mildly lame
Looking for a step-down home = kind of lame
Looking for dressage home, doesn’t want to be a hunter/jumper anymore = quite lame
Well-mannered and kind = utterly untalented
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Needs to build top line - starving to death
Needs his own person - that can pay his bills
Needs step down job - costs more to maintain than a Lamborghini
Not sound in hard work - limps so bad at walk in the pasture that a blind man can see it
Quirky - horse has PTSD and is triggered by the sight of humans
Needs experienced rider - could be a super bucking horse in a rodeo
Kid safe - too lame to buck, bolt or rear
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I ran into green broke = two rides. Literally horse had two rides in it’s life and never cantered under saddle.
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Hilarious!
And my god, is that pony adorable or what? Like Misty of Chincoteague!
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I’m thinking Saddlebred ‘ponies’ that are shown as 14.2, but are actually 16h.
Wait, Saddlebred ponies are a thing?
But yes, any time the word “pony” is trotted out for a show class, small horses seem to shrink. I would not call 16 hands small, though.
They are a thing. They “have” to be within an inch of 14.2 barefoot. They technically don’t need papers and I “know” someone that was breeding ASB/hackney pony crosses for this division.
They are almost always bigger than 14.2 usually closer to 15.1 and getting their pony card depends on who measures them.
Just something I didn’t know about. But God knows there are “large pony” hunters out there who are nowhere near 14.2. And if you’ve read the James Herriot books, the example of the pony at a show that couldn’t be measured… I think in that case it was pins to the withers so the pony would duck anytime someone tried to measure it.
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What do we think, “Handy on his feet; not for a beginner” means? 
My guess:
The minute your foot goes in the stirrup to mount, he’s GONE!
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