Conflicted about trainer...

[LoriAlter]

I am having a really hard time trying to wrap my mind around something I’ve been concerned with for awhile and I’m hoping the collective wisdom of COTHers and people with more wisdom than I could help sort me out.

Lately I have been getting this feeling from my trainer that she isn’t really invested in my horse anymore. And TBH it’s really hurting me. I’m one of her longest standing clients. I was with her long before she even started developing a name in our area. Sometimes I feel like she’s going through the motions with my guy while putting a lot more effort into her newer clients’ horses. My guy and another gelding she works are pretty evenly matched talent-wise, and so it’s not that I don’t think. A month ago, she takes high point from a really, really, well known judge on the other gelding. Several months earlier, high point on another client’s horse (same judge, incidentally). Last time she showed my guy, she basically bombed with my horse. My horse had been earning great scores all season, we get to a very important show, and all of a sudden, train wreck. I understand that every day your horse can be different, but this was embarrassing. This horse was listening to her, relaxed, trying for her, but she broke down in the ring. I checked him over after. Nothing wrong with him. During warm up he looked great. She gets him into the ring, totally different story. This horse is very familiar with that venue. I watched it happen across multiple tests. I say this because it’s not like it is happening with the other horses. Just mine.

(Before anyone says “sour grapes,” please know I have thought that through. And being completely honest, yeah I’m a bit miffed MY horse isn’t getting a high point when I know he’s capable of it. But them’s the breaks. I get that. Really I do. But I’m a very competitive person and I’m having a hard time shutting that off.)

Ever since that disastrous show, she’s been different towards me and towards my horse. But she’s doing well with the other horses. She’s much nicer towards her other clients. She’s very short tempered with me. If I text her or ask her a question about my horse’s training (during what I consider to be normal business hours, like 9-4 Monday thru Friday - I don’t call or text her during her days off) I get these clipped, one or two word answers, and it seems like I’m a big bother to her. I feel like I need to be walking on eggshells with her.

Show season is going to be getting really into full swing, and my gelding and other gelding will be showing at the same levels and in the same classes. I am really concerned my horse is going to be playing second fiddle and she’s going to give a bigger effort to other gelding.

If anyone else has found themselves in a similar situation, I would love to hear how you have negotiated it.

TIA!!

[ladyj79]

If you feel the trainer is no longer invested in you or your horse, it’s time to move on. It’s not a big deal, its extremely common, but it’s your money and you deserve to enjoy the experience, whether it’s you riding or the trainer. This is supposed to be fun.

[atr]

Exactly what LadyJ said. This must be costing you an arm and a leg. You should at least feel like this is appreciated by your trainer. Personally, I’d be looking for some new blood to work with.

[Edre]

Even horses who are matched talent/capability wise are still likely to be very different creatures. I think it’s pretty common to find that riders have a “type” of horse they either really enjoy working with (or one “type” of ride that they really don’t - it can go either way), even among professionals. Ideally a professional doesn’t let that impede their working relationship with the client and their horse, but I think that it happens. It sounds like that might be a part of this, especially on the heels of some events at the show that you outline.

At the end of the day, there are too many professionals out there who I’m sure would be happy for your business (and would be pleased to work with your horse) to stick with one where you feel like you aren’t getting services you’re paying for.

I hope you consider finding another trainer to work with. Life is too short to drag along in situations like these.

[SnortyPants]

If you’ve been working with this person this long and this is not something you feel comfortable bringing up, the relationship hasn’t been great for some time. Move on. Random other thought: they won’t say it because it’s iften their bread and butter, but I know some trainers get annoyed working with people whose horses they ride but the owner does not ride, at least seriously. Unless the horse is a top tier Grand Prix prospect, there’s little personal satisfaction in showing these horses competitively for them, and they don’t always enjoy having owner input as they feel they aren’t invested or insightful as someone who is riding. Not saying it’s anything you did…

[Cardboardoux]

Are you riding this horse yourself and competing it?

[HJdaydream]

I 100% feel you should move on.

As an adult amateur myself who rides in a full or at least part time training program (although in h/j), it is VERY important to me to have a good relationship with my trainer and feel that I am a valued customer. I have been in programs where I always felt like a second rate citizen, or that the the trainer was doing ME a favor (even though I am the one paying the bills) and I have vowed to never feel that way again. This sport is too expensive to not be happy! Move on and find a better fit.

[merrygoround]

If your trainer is suddenly unable to ride your horse, it is definitely time to ask her what is happening. It should not be a confrontational question but a “Oh, my gosh, what happened sort of approach.” From the response or lack of intelligent response you get from that question, you can base your decision. Also. did she ride other horses that day? Is it possible she was sick, and too embarrassed to say so. What is her medication, or self medication history?

[jump_pony]

Don’t take any of this personally, you might like your trainer but she is someone you are paying for a service.
If you no longer feel you are getting value for your service than it is time to go elsewhere.
If a car mechanic didn’t fix your car properly would you continue to take your car to him?
Same with a trainer, they provide a service, if you are unhappy with their service move on.
Thank her for all that she has done, and go where you will be happier.

[Manni01]

I sounds like she is either not that much interested in your horse anymore or somehow she lost faith into him. It sounds a bit like she is very competitive (just like you) if she has horses in her barn which are able to get high scores, she will prefer them. Possibly your horse has the same qualities but she was more successful with the other horses. So she lost faith in your horse.

I think that is a very common thing. Don’t forget, a trainer gets paid and is not the owner, so there is no way he is as attached to your horse as you are. Its normal and nothing bad.
I think you need to overthink your goals. What is most important to you. Your horse?? Success?? This trainer??
If you believe your horse is better then its doing right now, I would look for another trainer (still you need to find one who believes in your horse) If you are riding yourself maybe focus more on your horse and less on the trainer riding the horse. It seems to have a good foundation so go ahead and enjoy your horse!!
And of course, if you are competitive and interested in success, I guess you might need to get another horse…

I think its very difficult to help you with your situation because we don’t know the details. But anyhow best of luck to you and your horse!! (and I also believe its probably necessary to find another trainer, although there might be similar problems…)

[Willy_Von_Whompers]

Move on. You have nothing to lose really. You do this for fun and this situation doesn’t sound like fun. A real pro gets a good tune out of every horse he or she rides, this person clearly can’t do that for whatever reason. But it is going to be a self perpetuating problem I think…that she feels she can’t or won’t get a good tune out of your horse. So she probably won’t. Next thing she will be pitching for you to buy a new horse.

[MysticOakRanch]

The trainer/owner relationship is a difficult one. Although we (the owners) are the customer, paying for a service, somehow the line always gets smudged, and we develop a personal relationship with the trainer. Which makes it harder to evaluate the SERVICE we are paying for. You are paying for training - if you feel like that service level has decreased, it is time to move on.

I think we’ve all been there. I could have written your post - except I felt like my long time trainer lost interest in me, and the lessons had become repetitive, but I was kind of addicted to that repetition. It was difficult, and the ‘split’ dragged on forever, but now I can look back and say it was a good thing. I have a new trainer, I’m happy, she is invested in me, and I can say I feel like my old trainer and I are still friends. But I feel like my new trainer cares about me and my horse, and as an added bonus, she’s a much more positive, upbeat coach…

So agree with the others, perhaps it is time to move on. It may take a while to find the right trainer - if you can, haul out, take lessons with a few people, observe them teaching and riding, find the right situation for you and your horse. You may find you have to try a few trainers before you find the right “match” - don’t get discouraged…

[Magicboy]

Another poster did ask, but do you ride your horse at all? In lessons if not shows? I think some trainers will act differently if you don’t ride the horse at all

[ThreeFigs]

Is your horse one who gets “stage fright” at shows? I had one of those, and a client has another. Might that be the issue? Like others, though, sounds like time to move on. If you are indeed “competitive”, why not show your horse yourself?

[NoSuchPerson]

You know, not every rider/trainer clicks with every horse and not every trainer and student click with one another. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just a fact of life. The desire to push on in spite of that lack of connection is probably fairly high for a new trainer just getting started in the business. The desire likely wanes as the trainer becomes more successful and has other clients with whom the connection is better.

One approach you could take is to sit down with your trainer and have an honest, open discussion. Express your concerns without emotion or accusation and invite your trainer to offer her perspective. Be prepared to hear some things you don’t like hearing about you or your horse, remain calm, and don’t argue. (I’m not saying that you have to agree with her comments, but her perspective is her perspective, whether it’s “true” by your perspective or not.) Then, if you are still unhappy with your current situation, start looking around for another situation in which you will be happier. Honest communication up front with potential new trainers is key to finding a place you will like.

Another approach, if you feel like your relationship with your current trainer can’t be salvaged or you don’t want to bother, is just move on. Find a new trainer and barn, give your 30 day notice at your current place, pack your bags and move on. And again, honest communication up front with potential new trainers is essential.

Neither approach is better than the other, but approach 1 probably requires a level of confidence that some of us don’t have.

[Charanga2011]

I agree with the posters who say that perhaps he isn’t her favorite ride. Everyone even professionals have a certain type of ride they enjoy more, or do better with. However, being a professional this is a conversation she should have had with you. It sounds like she is trying to push you and your horse away, but maybe doesn’t want to give up the income, which is unfair to both you and your horse. I would have an honest conversation with her and see if maybe there is another trainer she would recommend, in order to not burn bridges.

[Scribbler]

OP, I too am wondering what the deal is here. You buy an expensive horse, you pay your trainer to ride it, you pay your trainer to show it, and you expect your horse to do well? Fine, but what’s in it for you?

If the name of the game is, you are paying big money to provide a horse for your trainer to show, and that horse isn’t working out for her, why would she want to keep you as a client, if the whole point is for the clients to fund her show career?

This is one of those scenarios where I feel like, the more you pay the less you get to ride.

OP, move your horse to a situation where you are riding and showing your own horses. If your current horses are too hot or advanced, sell them and buy something appropriate.

[atlatl]

OP, it comes down to what you want out of the relationship with this trainer and whether you are getting it. Whether you want the trainer to ride and show your horse or you want to ride and show yourself is irrelevant.

It doesn’t sound like you’re getting what you want so it’s worth the effort to have that conversation with the trainer to make sure you’re on the same page with your mutual expectations. If not, then move on.

Good Luck!

[Mondo]

Well I am going to throw a little monkey wrench into the works here. While I don’t disagree that moving on may be the best thing, I have to ask: Why did you come here looking for validation when what you NEED to do is make an appointment with the trainer, (not a text message, not a phone question, but a sit-down, face to face meeting), and express your concerns to HER. In person? Non-confrontational, just your observations, your feelings and then giving her a chance to weigh in.

I feel very strongly about this because I just lost a client. My advice to them was that they needed to have the vet inject their daughter’s horse’s hocks. The horse had been behaving badly and I was certain (still am) it was a pain response. Did they tell me they wanted to look into other reasons? Ask me to ride the horse for the teenager to see if I could “fix” the problems? Anything? NO. They became incommunicado for 2 full weeks. Ignored my calls and texts, etc.

Finally, I get a terse text from Dad, saying only: I will meet you at the barn at 4:30 on Thursday. We need to talk.

I replied with OK, but I am always available for a phone call. No reply. So Wednesday, I’m at the barn and Mom and the kid are there. Kid is lunging the horse in the round pen. So I said hi to Mom and asked her what Dad wanted to talk about.

I get this horrible core dump from her. They are convinced that I was aware the horse had a “rearing problem” when they bought her. (I knew no such thing!) They had decided that I was allowing their kid to ride a “dangerous” horse. Horse is not dangerous, kid just got scared. That horse acted badly but never once reared or bucked or unseated the kid. The kid had mentioned that she was not comfortable with my teaching style. (That had to be new, since I frequently found little cards and gifts from this teen in my brush box, telling me how much she loved her lessons.) The BO (at their request) had pointed them at a visiting H/J trainer and had that trainer get on the horse. That trainer informs them that the horse is not behaving badly because of pain (oh really? She knows NOTHING about this horse. I have its entire history) and that she can train the bad behavior out of the horse and they should move to her barn and worse case, she’ll sell the horse for them. (Oh, no conflict of interest, there. SMH. And, they are mad at me because of a “dangerous” horse, but have no issues selling it to someone else?)

OK - I’ve hijacked your thread long enough - let me just say that while I don’t have a problem with a client telling me they are going to a new trainer, I would at least like the courtesy of a conversation. My former clients came to these conclusions and did all this discussion etc., behind my back. I was never offered the opportunity to defend myself or that poor mare. Accusing me of knowingly putting their daughter on a dangerous horse is pretty heinous, not to mention untrue.

If you have such a long and previously good relationship with your trainer, FFS TELL her of your concerns! She might be relieved to tell you that she isn’t comfortable riding your horse anymore. She might get angry - who knows? But you owe it to her and your previous history to let her know your misgivings.

JMHO

[ladyj79]

Mondo I completely understand your point and sometimes that works, but also know that trainers will lie, intentionally or not, to avoid losing a client. Even the best will often say oh no stay when subconsciously they know they cannot meet the client’s needs, for whatever reason. And clients WANT to stay, they want the person they have trusted to resolve the situation. It is a rare professional who says nope, can’t help you, barring a pretty extreme situation, even if that extreme situation is crazy owner.