Considering moving barns because of trainer's personal life

[big_blue]

Hi all, I’m wondering if anyone has advice or thoughts on the below situation -

I’m strongly considering moving barns because my barn’s owner, who is also my trainer and the only trainer at the barn, has had a hard few years in terms of her personal life and her boarding business and it’s really begun to affect her training program.

I won’t discuss specifics because that’s her business, but suffice to say nothing is really “her fault” and my heart hurts for her and I certainly don’t want to add more stress and complication to her life. However, the training services she can presently offer do not meet the goals I have for myself as a rider and the young horse I just bought, with her assistance. Additionally, her situation appears to be just getting worse as time goes on and I’m concerned that horse care, which is currently great, will start to suffer. If/when that happens, I certainly won’t be sticking around. But I don’t want to be scrambling if/when that happens and I dont want to compete with a potential rush of exiting boarders.

I’ve found another barn in the area that looks like a good fit - they show at rated shows, host schooling shows, bring in good clinicians, and, most importantly, have two trainers who do not double dip in barn ownership/management. All in all, the barn looks (from internet sleuthing) safe, competitive, and fun, with stable clientele and operations. If I decide to start exploring other barn options, I will verify my impressions in person, of course.

However, I’m hesitating on pulling the trigger because (1) things are “okay” right now and who knows, it could be worse elsewhere (2) I just bought a young horse and he’s only been with me for a month, so I’m concerned about how moving again will affect him and (3) it’s a small community - I would never carry tales or gossip about my current trainer, but I’m worried about the drama factor and burning bridges.

So I guess my questions are:

1. Should I be worried about moving my new horse so soon after getting him? He settled in to his current living arrangement within his first week so I’m not worried about his health, but he’s still coming out of his shell, so to speak, and I don’t want to damage the trust we’ve built.
2. If I start reaching out to other barns and programs, do I have to explain myself at the stsart? Or only if they ask why I’m considering moving? Do I just say something like “Current Barn is not a good fit for my goals and I’m interested in whether your barn would be”?
3. If you had to guess, do you think anyone I talk to would reach out to my current trainer? I don’t care about what someone may say about me, but I don’t think that I would tell my trainer that I was looking until I actually decided on somewhere to move and I don’t want to have That Conversation prematurely. Or, worse case scenario, she learns that I looked but didn’t find anything “better.”
4. If I do choose to move, any tips for having That Conversation with my trainer? The logistics I can do - I would give her 30 days’ notice, as required by the contract, and would have the convo in person and send a follow-up email to confirm. But my trainer and I are very friendly - not exactly friends but chummy - and I spend a lot of money at her business, so that’s kind of a weird dynamic that I’m nervous about.
5. Any general anecdotes about making a move you were uncertain about and how it worked out?

Basically, I’m have the kind of angst and anxiety that would usually result in my calling my mom or big sister, but I don’t have the horsie equivalents of those so thank you very much for any advice anyone can offer

[Willesdon]

It is a service industry. You are the client. You pay the bills. You make the decisions. Do you stress about changing to a new car dealership? Or a feed store? Or even choosing one doctor over another? Remove the word “horse” from your thoughts and discussions and then have a think. That you have even started this discussion suggests that your spidery sense is activated and it is time to begin moving.

Life changes. Horses can move home.

[SuzieQNutter]

Everything is not okay right now at this barn because you said, ‘However, the training services she can presently offer do not meet the goals I have for myself as a rider and the young horse I just bought,’

Onward and upward for you. Your time is limited you need to learn what you can now before you and your horse get older, get injured, your life changes etc,etc,etc.

If you changed an electrician or plumber or gardener it is the same. Thank them for everything. You are changing because of change in your life. You will miss them and give your notice.

[big_blue]

That’s a good point and I agree with you, to a certain extent. Unfortunately, I have a lot of social ties at my current barn and “going to the barn” is a big part of my social life, so there’s that community/friendship/social factor present that changing dentists doesn’t have. The dentist just cleans my teeth, but my current barn takes care of my horse, provides training, and contributes to my social life. Only one of those three things is unsatisfactory right now. Maybe that’s a good argument for not getting too close with a new barn!

[Willesdon]

But given the small horse world, your current friends won’t just vanish and you will make new ones at the new barn. Look on it as broadening your experience and your social life.

[enjoytheride]

When you give your notice I would give it in a professional and friendly manner, with your money up front, and have your truck gassed and ready to go in case it goes downhill. I would only tell the potential new barn that the current training does not align with your goals and you are looking for a more show oriented barn.

I’m not saying that things are going to get weird, and I hope that they don’t, but things often do. I once gave notice because I was switching from western to dressage and the barn owner stopped feeding my horse. Entirely.

I moved my horse while they were at a show (a week after giving said notice and fully intending on staying the entire 30 days and only telling the barn owner I was switching disciplines) but they came home early so when I went back to the barn to finish getting my things they came out of their house drunk and naked. Good times.

[ProfAmEq]

Second this. The fact that you are here, OP, means it’s time to go. Just be professional and be ready to leave as soon as you give notice. I would just eat a month’s board and go immediately.

I was in a similar situation and have zero regrets about leaving. You are paying the bills, you should be totally confident in your horse’s care. I bet there is a lot you are overlooking now that isn’t so okay, and you will recognize it after you’ve left.

Good luck with your new horse!

[LCDR]

Situations at barns can sometimes turn downhill very quickly. Imagine this trainer’s personal life coming totally apart overnight after the long downward trend you have noted. What then?

Does the other barn you describe even have a space available for your horse? First, start looking for a temporary emergency escape hatch right away. Maybe a friend with her own place who will harbor your horse on short notice for a few weeks.

After the emergency escape plan is developed, then you will have time to breathe and evaluate things.

[wanderlust]

I had a friend in a similar situation last year. It went from some trainer personal life changes to crazytown and dangerous negligence in horsecare very quickly.

I’ve seen it too many times to count in my 20+ years of having horses as an adult - the small things become big things rapidly. Your gut instinct is not wrong - find a new situation without the drama and go. Your friends will still be your friends.

[ShenanAnna]

This:

@wanderlust

Your gut instinct is not wrong

They seldom are.

[Tini_Sea_Soldier1]

I’ve had to do it twice in the past few years. Feel free to PM me and we can discuss how I went about moving on.
Sometimes, the best thing to do is confidentially reach out to a few barns and watch some lessons. Don’t chat with boarders. That can lead to gossip and it getting back to your current pro. Wear a hat.
Wear sunglasses (if you’re outside). Intro yourself by first name only if asked. It’s ok to say, I’m watching because iI have some tough decisions to make and evaluating if this is the right program. Most respectable people understand that position and will leave you alone. Don’t do anything that sits outside of the circle of trust and ask the pros to be confidential with your intentions until you make a final decision and exit strategy.

[Scribbler]

@Tini_Sea_Soldier1

I’ve had to do it twice in the past few years. Feel free to PM me and we can discuss how I went about moving on.
Sometimes, the best thing to do is confidentially reach out to a few barns and watch some lessons. Don’t chat with boarders. That can lead to gossip and it getting back to your current pro. Wear a hat.
Wear sunglasses (if you’re outside). Intro yourself by first name only if asked. It’s ok to say, I’m watching because iI have some tough decisions to make and evaluating if this is the right program. Most respectable people understand that position and will leave you alone. Don’t do anything that sits outside of the circle of trust and ask the pros to be confidential with your intentions until you make a final decision and exit strategy.

Good advice.

Ammies bopping between different midrange training barns is so common and so uninteresting if you don’t hint at drama that no one will barely register you were there. A trainer that wants your business will keep your confidentiality.

One of the things about drama and dysfunction is that it can start to seem like normal. You lose more and more of the person in dysfunction or trouble bit by bit and make up excuses for what they can’t get done. You will be so happy when you get a new barn. As for your friends at the old barn, better to leave now than hate the sight of each other after going through 6 months of this barns spiral to collapse

When I was in returning rider lessons, my rather private and terse coach at that time left her boyfriend and her boyfriends farm much faster than she was expecting, and relocated her lesson program to a completely different barn in one week, phoned to say oh by the way here’s my new address. I was fine with this, a little concerned for her (but she never told me any details) but if I had been boarding a horse I would have been extremely frantic. Likewise I watched a friend go through the lease expiry from hell recently (about which I heard too much) and very very glad I was not boarding there.

When it gets bad at a barn it can get very very bad very fast. It can impact care. It can involve bailiffs. It can involve violence. Get out now.

[danhelm441]

Hmm I’ve had it go both ways. One barn I regret leaving, one I regret not leaving sooner.

I left the former because I had lost confidence in the trainer. She managed the barn, ran the lesson program, and never seemed to have reliable help. It was a very social barn, and she found herself on the wrong side of some cliquish behavior. Looking back, I was definitely influenced by complaints and gossip from people at the barn. It wasn’t obvious at the time—and I wasn’t even that involved—but hearing everything nitpicked and analyzed in an echo chamber made all the program’s shortcomings seem so much worse than they really were. Yes, the facilities could be nicer. Yes, it would be nice to know your trainer had a trainer and was continuing their education. Yes, everyone feels they hit a plateau from time to time in their riding, and it’s convenient to blame the trainer…. But she was doing a good job with what she had and for what she charged us for board. Maybe it was a “frying pan,” situation but I definitely bailed out into a fire, not realizing how much worse things could be.

In your case, it’s hard to say. The thing is, if you have a young horse, you do have a good excuse to leave, because you’re now a “needy” client. You can pull the “it’s not you, it’s me” card, in that you simply need more hand-holding and babysitting than this trainer has the bandwidth to accommodate. Or you can at least frame it that way to spare everyone’s feelings.

All I would say is to take a step back and be sure you’re not being influenced to think things are worse than they are. Even offhand passive aggressive comments from friends at the barn re: trainer can magnify feelings of discontent. Things could be better at a new barn, or they could be much worse… and while I wouldn’t worry too much about moving a horse after a month, I might worry about switching to a trainer who wasn’t involved in the purchase and doesn’t feel they have any investment in seeing the horse succeed. That happened to me as well and was another reason I regretted leaving my first barn.

[fordtraktor]

The thing that concerns me about your description of the new barn, OP, is where you say there is “no double dipping into barn ownership/management” from the trainers. What does that mean? The trainers don’t own the facility? Why is that good?

That said, if you feel like the trainer isn’t able to meet your young horse’s needs, try the new barn!

If you look to the barn for social stuff, do you have friends there? If you don’t, you might want to make sure it has enough like-minded ammies and not too much of a kids’ program.

[findeight]

OP, you are not responsible for trainers choices in their personal life but YOU will likely be forced to suffer the consequences of trainers choices. You are already paying for services that don’t meet your needs and goals, Why? Because of barn friends that don’t have the same needs and goals as you?

After 5 decades in boarding barns, your barn friends are mostly just that. Barn friends. Very few will remain close friends for very long when no longer in the same barn. Very few… in my case, only one is still a close friend after 10 years. Very few stayed in contact for more then a few months. And not talking FB “friends”.

[Arelle]

One note: you should leave if you’re concerned about your horse’s care. Full stop. They cannot advocate for themselves - we have to be their voice, even if it means upsetting relationships in our lives.

However, my experience has been that good trainers will talk. Every trainer I have worked with or know personally that is worth a shit will call and check things out before allowing a new person and horse into their barn. You need to ask to hold off on that call until you decide what your final plan is, but do know that it will (and should!) happen.

Meaning - I have a property. Susie wants to bring Dobbin over. I don’t know Susie or Dobbin well, but they’ve ridden with Mary for ten years. As a barn owner/trainer/whatever, I will call Mary and say - “hi, Susie was here inquiring about XYZ. Are there any problems if I were to take her on as a client?”

Mary might be a drama-seeking dumb dumb and say many untrue things, but I generally will know that. Alternatively, Mary might say Susie owes her three months of training and pays her bills consistently late. Or, Mary might say that Susie is lovely and Dobbin is fantastic, and they’ve been working on lateral movements, and she’s delighted Dobbin will be coming to me for further training.

But regardless, I make the call because, as a professional in this industry - communication like that keeps down accusations of client poaching, and it puts me in a strong position with my livelihood not to invite drama or bad horses into my barn.

This is business. A good professional will not rip you a new one if you need to explore other options. Clients come, clients go, and many clients eventually come back. It’s never worth burning a bridge, and if it is - that’s probably someone you don’t want to be in business with anyway.

[IPEsq]

Per the above point, maybe have a backup reference, like a good friend from current barn, if you don’t want new barn calling your current BO/trainer.

[hoopoe]

the bottom line is that your training needs are not being met. Nothing else is mentioned or a factor.

Barn friends are rarely friends as findeight says. Believe her wisdom. Trainiers are not your BFF.

you will make new friends at your new barn and you might even find you have more in common with them.

Horses needs ALWAYS come first.

[CBoylen]

@big_blue

If you had to guess, do you think anyone I talk to would reach out to my current trainer? I don’t care about what someone may say about me, but I don’t think that I would tell my trainer that I was looking until I actually decided on somewhere to move and I don’t want to have That Conversation prematurely. Or, worse case scenario, she learns that I looked but didn’t find anything “better.

Yes, they absolutely will. No trainer wants to ruin a professional relationship by being accused of stealing a client, so if they know your trainer they will tell her that you came looking. They also will make sure you aren’t leaving because you owe money or being kicked out because you are a terrible client.
If it’s a small community, even if you can convince them to remain quiet (which wouldn’t be a great sign in a professional anyway), inevitably the boarders/farriers/vet/feed delivery man will make an offhanded comment to the wrong person and off it goes on the neighborhood gossip line…

[Arlomine]

Trainers talk to each other.

Nobody wants a barn hopper or a ridiculously difficult client moving into the barn. If you go visit another barn, 100% no matter what, do not badmouth in anyway the trainer or the facility that you’re considering moving from. Not even if asked direct questions about it. You can say that there are many pros and cons, that you’ve learned a ton, that you love your trainer… But you are exploring possibilities going into the future. Something like that. Go out of your way to be complementary. Have a standard reason that you repeat…I wouldn’t even say you’re committed to moving.

• The trainer you are interviewing will assume that when and if you leave their program, you will talk about them the way you are going to talk about your current trainer. *

Be prepared for word to get back to your current trainer. Be prepared to have a heart to heart with a fast exit strategy in place in case that goes off the rails.

Go out of your way to not burn a bridge with your current trainer. You might not actually know what a good deal you have until you leave.

When you give notice pay everything upfront. And again have an immediate exit strategy in place even if your ultimate target barn is not ready for you. Don’t assume that you’re going to spend 30 days at your current barn.
Things can go bad quickly.

If you do move to the new barn, 100% do not badmouth the old trainer, facility, facility owners. Nothing. Shut your trap. Word will get around if you trash the old program.