Coping with accidental death of pet (positive update post #73)

[Sunlight_patch]

I went back and forth with myself for a few days before finally deciding to post this. I am finding myself barely able to cope with this situation, and desperate to find others who may have experienced this.

A little over a month ago, I lost my cat in a sudden, unexpected, and tragic accident. My husband caused the accident. I can’t bring myself to describe what happened, but the entire event was over in under two minutes…I barely had time to pick up my cell phone to think of calling a vet. I was in complete shock for two hours, and I’ve never seen my husband cry so hard in all of the years I’ve known him.

I have lost pets before, but this experience has left me utterly heartbroken. She was a quirky cat, quite hostile to our other two cats, and didn’t let anyone pet her except me. She slept on top of me every night. I am left with a deep, aching sadness now that she is gone. I feel haunted by the endless list of “what ifs?” and “if only” thoughts.

What is hardest is that because the accident was so freak and so terrible, we have told very few people what actually happened…just a trusted friend, our minister, and our therapist. Most people think that she just passed suddenly (she was not old, only 8) and I just say “I’d rather not talk about it” if they asked what happened. Meaning, I’ve had to process a lot of this privately.

We are doing all the “right” things to help move forward…my husband and I are seeing our therapist, who has been wonderful. We buried her with all of her favorite things, in a beautiful spot in our backyard where the sunlight always dapples through the trees. We are communicating with each other about our grief and trying to be supportive of each other.

And yet, two nights ago I found myself searching the surface of our bedroom comforter looking for any of her fur that was left, and sobbing. There have been a few things that trigger the memory of what happened that night and I find myself out of breath, heart racing, and panicky. I feel resentful that the two other cats (who are closer to my husband) are still alive and healthy. I feel angry that I was cheated out of many more years with her, cheated out of letting her body decide when it was time to die (or asking me to help gently send her over the bridge). Most of all, I feel guilty. It was my responsibility to keep her safe and protected and healthy, and as the “if only I had” thoughts run through my mind constantly, I feel like I failed her.

Most days, I feel like a spinning top that has just begun to wobble and is on the verge of tipping over and careening out of control.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Does it ever get better?

[LovelyBay]

I"m so sorry. I"ll spare you the details, but I accidentally killed my puppy. It’s been almost 5 years, and I still feel beyond horrible about it. I made a bad judgement call, and it still haunts me to this day. I wish I could give you some comfort, but just know that it was an accident and your/SO isn’t a horrible person.

[summerhorse]

It will get better with time. It is great you are seeing a therapist as this goes beyond grief over losing a pet. It is important to forgive yourself and your husband, this was an ACCIDENT. You know neither of you would ever let something happen to her on purpose. Accidents do happen, that’s why they are called accidents. Not purposements. I’m sorry you had to lose her in a traumatic way. I’ve had similar things happen (a loss that was my fault one way or another) and it is hard to get over. But in time you can make peace with it.

[back_in_the_saddle]

Sorry for your loss.

[MunchkinsMom]

I’m so sorry for your loss, and having to experience something traumatic like this.

I also think it is good that you are talking with a therapist, who should be able to give you some coping techniques to use to help.

The sadness will always be with you, but not as debilitating or heartbreaking as it is now with the incident being so recent.

[GraceLikeRain]

For over 12 years I was blessed with the most wonderful dog in the entire world. She was my best friend and biggest supporter. I dressed her up, explored the “wilderness” with her, and she slept on my bed each night. As she aged her vision started to go but she navigated well with what little vision she had. One day at 16 she was left outside by one of my parents while they went to answer the phone and she ended up drowning in our pool.

Four years later I can talk about it without crying but for a long time it was a gaping hole in my heart. It was an accident and everyone in the family deeply loved her but ultimately she was my baby girl.

Don’t be afraid to cry. I cried every day for weeks afterwards and often woke up from dreams crying. I am a cryer and for me it was part of the healing process.

Now I can look at pictures and smile but I don’t know if I would be at the place I am today if I didn’t let myself grieve at the time.

It will get better but don’t put a date on it. Whatever it takes for you to start feeling more normal is completely healthy. I will be praying for you and your husband. If you ever want to talk feel free to send me a PM.

[Sunlight_patch]

Thank you for the really kind responses. As much as I wish no one else has to go through this, it does help to hear from people who have been in this situation. I knew others like us were out there.

I have forgiven my husband. It has been harder to forgive myself, even though I wasn’t present. I am slowly working through that.

[CosMonster]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think what you’re feeling is normal, but it is really good that you’re going to see a therapist. As others have said, accidents do happen as tragic as that is. I know it is hard but I hope you are able to forgive yourself soon and be able to focus on the good times you had with her.

[cowboymom]

I know three people that accidently caused the death of a pet. Two of them are my parents-it was a terrible horrible violent accident and it nearly killed my father. I couldn’t sleep for weeks after it happened, knowing what they went through. My dad wouldn’t see a counselor or anything and my mom was desperate to find something to help him and finally on a gut instinct got him a puppy. It worked-he just needed a dog on his lap again and she ended up being exactly right for it. It’s not a solution that would always be the right one but it filled a void that they really needed filled.

The other person I know did the same…

I’m so sorry for anyone that has gone through this, it’s a staggering amount of grief and loss and anger…

[shea_smom]

I have had a horse die, a 4 year old that I’d only had a few months. He got a plastic bag stuck on his halter and ran full blast into a gate. When I realized hours later what had happened, I thought I was going to fall down, it hit me so hard. I blame myself for not picking up the trash the dogs had got into.
I still think about that nice young man, who i barely got to know.
I have no words of wisdom, but I do think, if it is right for you, you might feel better if you rescue another cat.
Hugs to you and your husband.

[Burbank]

I’m sorry for your and your husbands loss, the death of a pet is never easy and when it is sudden you can’t help but wonder about different scenarios.

One of our family friends told a story of his brother who accidently killed his new tiny puppy by stepping back and accidently stepping on the puppy and killing it. A sad story but accidents happen.

[jetsmom]

People die in accidental ways all of the time, so animals will too. Tell your husband it was an accident. He didn’t intentionally try to kill the dog. Forgive yourselves.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Perhaps that dog fulfilled his purpose in your lives, and his soul was freed. Was he a first dog? Were you ambivalent about getting a dog before you got him? Perhaps his purpose was to open your hearts to a dog, and once that happened, his purpose was fulfilled. Maybe you should go get another. Maybe you will find a stray that needs someone to love him. Or a trip to the shelter will help you save one that would have been euthed. I know I might not be explaining myself well, but just think about what the dog brought to your life, and maybe you will find what you should do to help you heal.

[ILuvmyButtercups]

Ages ago my sister had a darling little female Peke whom she loved so much, but when she went through a divorce she had to re-home the pup.

The people I was riding for back then loved all animals, and had a few Pekes and Pugs. Buffy fit right in there, everyone was so happy she found a super home.

Well, one day the woman drove out of their long driveway, and usually all the dogs stayed around the house. Buffy followed the car, got out on the road and well, you know the rest.

What a horrible experience that was, for everyone, for so long. My sister was furious that better care was not taken, and the people who’d taken her in were crushed with guilt and grief. I felt stuck in the middle, having to be loyal to both - my good employers and my sister of course. Everyone blamed everyone else, everyone assumed all the blame themselves, it was a mess for some time.

Time dims the acute phase, but you do always remember. Bless you, take care, and forgive yourselves your humanity.

[Houndhill]

Sunlight, I am so sorry for your loss! It is good you are seeking help with this.

If it helps you any, I can share that I’ve had a beloved, healthy young dog drop dead, apparently in his sleep. I have lost many dogs over the years, but never like that, and went through the shock, disbelief, feeling “gypped” out of the years you won’t share, and plenty of guilt…did I miss something?

I finally sought help from a therapist too, just had one session, but it was very helpful to me, as I hope yours will be.

I had a good friend lose a young dog about the same time in similar circumstances, and it was really helpful to talk to her. She was so articulate about her feelings, where I was just numb and unable to formulate much intelligible.

I don’t think you ever really “get over” some losses, although time does certainly mute the pain. That may be difficult for some to understand, and they may expect you to “get over it”. But I compare it to a parent losing a child (although i know that will offend some), not in the magnitude of the loss, which I cannot speak to as I have not been through the loss of a child, but in the feelings of a loss counter to the “natural order” of things, leading to the cheated feelings. The feelings of guilt certainly compound and complicate things.

I have also lost an animal due to an accident which I could have prevented had I known to take certain precautions. That truly rips your guts out! You do need to learn how to turn off the “what- iffing” and second guessing yourself and beating yourself up over this.

So yes, it will get better, but in the meantime, please know you have the sympathy and caring of people who have been through similar experiences and understand what you are going through.

Oh yes- one thing that helped me was to make a donation in memory of the animal to some cause or organization that seemed meaningful in relation to that individual.

I think it is possible to have something like post-traumatic stress syndrome following something like this, with nightmares and all the other characteristics.

[Sunlight_patch]

Cowboymom, I have a feeling that our situations were similar. Both my husband and I could’ve been seriously injured or killed as well.

I do agree that it’s similar to the parent-child relationship - part of why I feel so heartsick is that I feel like I was supposed to protect her and failed. That she was my responsibility.

We are making a donation to a rescue in her memory, and eventually, will get another rescue cat. I’m just nowhere near ready yet.

[Bluey]

Just posting here and knowing this happens to others and happens more than we like to think may help you.

We had two older big dogs and a toy poodle and minpin under a year old.
After some big hail, the roofer came to see about working on the roof.
We put the young ones in their crates, so they would not be in the way.
The roofer was done at the house and drove down to the barn to look there.

The roofer gone, Grandma let the dogs out of their crates.
The roofer, on his way out, decided to go back in the yard and measure some more, didn’t notice the dogs, left the gate open and they got out across the road.
When he started his pickup, they tried to run back into the yard and as he drove away, he ran over the minpin, killing her immediately and never noticed, just kept on driving. We never did tell him what happened, it was so sad.

Grandma used to say, when we lost an animal, if you have animals, you will lose them. That doesn’t make it any easier when you do lose them.
Grandma felt absolutely terrible for long time.
The little poodle spent most of the time in her lap, comforting her.

Some times, no matter how careful you are, accidents just happen, some times horrible ones.

[Laurierace]

I found a lot of comfort in the forum on petloss.com as all the people there have suffered the loss of a beloved pet regardless of the circumstances and understand the pain. They have a beautiful candle ceremony every Monday or at least they did back then. It took me about 6 times until I could actually join in with the ceremony but felt comfort watching the ceremony before I participated. Godspeed.

[shiningwizard255]

I’m so sorry for the loss of your kitty and wish you and your husband the best. :

[Emryss]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I, too, know people who have lost their pets in tragic and preventable ways. It’s absolutely devastating.

I’m sorry to say that the grief you are experiencing is normal. I hope that the good memories will soon overcome the bad.

[Diamondindykin]

I am so sorry for your loss!! I have been there twice. Once when I was only in 3rd grade and I caused the loss of my cat and then my now ex-husband caused the death of my doberman who was my first born child.

I was able to eventually forgive my ex-husband but I still have moments of guilt over our cat. I can reason with myself that I was just a young child and didn’t know better but the pain is still there. I try not to think about it really.

Time will ease the pain I assure you. Good for you for seeking therapy… I wish my parents had done the same for me.