Coping with accidental death of pet (positive update post #73)

[irkenequine]

My very elderly dog walked across our frozen pool thinking it was the ground and drowned in a split second many years ago. I was right there, in the water immediately behind her but she was gone before we both hit the surface.

It has taken a few years to work through it all but a few things helped:

Immediately, another dog for me. I know some people don’t heal in this way but opening my home up to another baby was the best decision for me.

Keeping her collar around; I opted not to have her cremated at the time but now I wish I had, in a way to have some sort of memoriam. It keeps her thoughts with me.

Framing her photo and hanging it in the house. Of course I had facebook photos of her, but having an actual framed, beautiful representation of her in my home is always nice to look at. I cherish the time I had with her.

My heart breaks for your situation; unfortunately this happens a LOT more than people talk about; we heard it more often than you’d think at the shelter, people coming back shortly after adoptions absolutely heartbroken. She certainly knows that she was love, I don’t have a doubt about that in reading your post. I hope your family’s path to healing is quick.

[MoonWitch]

Two. The first one I was about eight and my brother started the car not knowing that my cat was in the engine. I watched out the window as my father put her out of her misery with a shovel.

The second was my DD’s cat that she had nursed back to health after an expensive surgery. He was an indoor cat, but snuck out while he was bringing groceries in. The neighbor came over crying and asking if we had a gray cat. They had two killer dogs and he thought all dogs were like ours. He died in my husband’s arms as I pulled into the emergency vets parking lot. It still haunts him to this day and while my daughter has a new love, she will never forget Symon.

Be kind to each other and grieve. We don’t always have the answers but in time, the pain does dull. Peace.

[KateKat]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think anytime someone loses a pet unexpectedly, there is always a sense of feeling robbed of time, and also feeling like we failed in our care.

I lost a wonderful, wonderful cat almost 5 years ago not to an accident, but an illness that one day had him fine, the next us making the decision to put him down (he was only 4 and seriously the best cat ever). Again, not exactly the same but I think the same feelings of grief and frustration/anger at myself were there. I think my husband and I spent a good few months having random cries about that cat, and while five years later I still tear up thinking about him sometimes, it has gotten better. Since then we’ve gotten a dog (which really helped my husband, since he loved that cat because it was very dog like) and three new cats, who as a whole, all have very similar personality traits to the one we lost. I bought two cat pretty much immediately after losing the one, and it definitely did help. But, like others have said that might not be the solution for you. Just give it time.

[ponies123]

I’m so sorry for your loss too, my heart really goes out to you because I have been in a very similar position. This thread has helped me cope with my own loss simply by reading it - I never realized how many people have gone through similar circumstances and even though it has been a year and a half for me, I am still healing.

My BF killed my puppy when he was 10 months old, it was purely accidental and I wasn’t there because I had allowed my BF to take the puppy up to his mom’s house in another state while I kept our older dog home with me. When he called me to tell me my heart honestly stopped, it felt like the entire world had stopped around me and I got in my car and drove like a bat out of hell to my parent’s house (it was Father’s Day 2010) and just cried and cried with my family. The puppy, Coco, was my first puppy that I had picked out and raised as an adult not living with my parents. We have the older dog, but she was an older rescue and while I love her more than anything, the bond I had with my puppy having got him at 9 weeks old and trained him was irreplaceable. I remember a few weeks after he died, I went to my BF’s sister’s wedding and the night before we were hanging out at her house and she was on the couch cuddling with her dog who was 11 or so at the time, an old man. I had to leave - I just got in the car and drove away without a word for an hour or so. It was so hard to see her snuggling with her old man when I knew I would never be able to see my boy grow in to an adult and then a senior, I would never have those years with him and that was the worst part.

I spent weeks going over the what ifs, the second guesses, the prayers for what I would do with just one more day with Coco. I was angry with my BF for convincing me to let him take my puppy on his trip, I was angry at myself for being convinced. We had a roommate at the time who also had a dog and about a week before the accident, my puppy and her dog ran off in to the road and her dog got hit (he was totally fine, just sore), but for a short time I was angry that her dog had lived while mine had died. I even once wished that hers had died because maybe then my BF would have left my puppy home with me (he didn’t like 3 dogs in our small house). I still wish that I had been able to say goodbye to my baby, I wish I had been there and been able to do something. He died quickly, but not instantly and I still have nightmares about the pain he must have gone through. I still cry for him, but I know that he’ll be waiting somewhere down the bridge.

As a few others have said, it helped me immensely to get another puppy. Coco died on Father’s Day and I picked up Jake from the breeders the first weekend in August of the same summer and wow do I love Jake. He is a year and a half now and he has such a huge personality, but he is not a replacement. Sometimes in those first few weeks when I had him I felt like I had made a mistake: I would fall asleep crying and praying that I would love Jake like I had loved Coco because I felt like it would never happen. Well, I do love him, but I still have a hole in my heart for my first puppy. I still think about Coco and there are times when I still cry, but now I usually remember him with a smile. He wasn’t here long, but we had some amazing memories with him and I will never forget my first puppy. So wait for a new kitty until you feel 100% that it’s the right thing to do, but know that you will have room in your heart for another one - especially a rescue, you help them, but more than anything they help to heal you.

Thank you for being brave enough to make this thread, it really did help me to learn that other people have been through the same thing - although I wish none of us had to feel this pain :sad smile: Someone once told me one of the worst injustices in the world is that our pets don’t live as long as we do and I have to agree.

Also, this story has always stuck with me: http://www.upgradereality.com/a-dogs-purpose-from-a-6-year-old and while it doesn’t ease the pain entirely, I like to think Coco was just wise beyond his years. Too good for this life, maybe.

[bits619]

I had a very traumatic experience regarding the unexpected, accidental deaths of not one but two dogs at the same time. It was horrible. They weren’t my pets but I had cared for one for several months, and I was the one that found her body. We’re coming up on a year since the accident, and it still haunts me. I can’t stress that enough- I still have moments of immense, intense sadness and fear from that night. Genuinely I don’t think I’ve gone more than one day without thinking of that night- an image in my head or something. I know time will help that heal, but it’s just as traumatizing as watching my biological mom battle with a cancer that took her life. It’s just as horrible, the memories and flashbacks, guilt, what-ifs, etc.
I do think time will help, but it may be some length of time, too. Talking about the life/lives of the dogs has helped me (even though I wasn’t one of their owners). It’s still hard to talk about that night, though.

OP, you’re most certainly not alone.

[katarine]

accidents happen. sure, almost anything is preventable if you are omniscient, but that’s unlikely to be true.

I believe nothing would heal you faster than another pet. You might benefit from having something to pour that energy into, although that may feel selfish, or like a bandaid, or some other gobbledy-gook. Fill that hole in you with a new life.

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my favorite cat ever several years ago, he was a wonderful big yellow barn cat we called Box. Box was hit on the road and died instantly, from what I could tell. I rode my horse into my arena, down to the far end, and there was Box. We buried him in our yard by Buck, my DH’s old guard dog and constant companion. In no time we had a new little one padding around. Do I still have barn cats, outside cats? Yes, I do. This is a farm, we are pretty remote, and life is what it is, full of laughter and happiness and freedom…and danger and sorrow.

Again, I am so very sorry. The grief is terrible. Please take care of yourself.

[allintexas]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so difficult to deal with the sudden death of a pet, without having guilt feelings on top of it. Even though you and your husband know intellectually that is was an accident, it is tough!

I lost my heart horse to sudden death overnight, with absolutely no indication of any illness, and it was devastating. Time heals, having other animals helps, and having pictures and some type of memorial helps.

I wish you the best . Counseling, as some have suggested, might help

[Burbank]

I shared anothers story but here is mine.

When I was 5, our golden retrevier was hit by a UPS truck in front of our house on a dead end road, ie very little traffic.
He was a trained bird dog and listened very well to adults but my little childs voice was not enough to make him stop from running into the road, I screamed when he was hit and my parents came running, he died instantly and they and the neigbhors moved him and had to wash the blood out of the road.
He was also 5, we were born on the same day.
I will be 29 next year and remember it very well still.

When my husband and I lost our dear Whiskey dog due to an illness that progressed very rapidly and despite testing we never knew really what it was we got a new puppy within a month, our puppy Remy will never replace Whiskey but it helps fill the void and he is special in his own right.

[cowboymom]

I remember that day with Box… I can still hear your voice with that call.

I was thinking about this yesterday and why getting another pet so quickly helped my dad and other people I know.

I think that for my parents especially, they lost their dog to a moment of carelessness that they could not stop reliving and rethinking. They hated themselves for what happened and my dad couldn’t get past it, he sat in his chair all day long crying and cussing himself.

But when they got that puppy he, and my mom, had a little dependent thing that they could smother with love and care and I think, in their own eyes redeem themselves. Atone for the mistake they couldn’t forgive themselves for.

So maybe things along those lines also help heal, if not getting another pet maybe volunteer or donate.

dang- sad stuff, it’s hard.

[Auventera_Two]

I am very sorry for your deep and painful loss. What you are feeling is normal. In 03 my mom and I lost on our horses in a barn fire. They were boarded so we could ride throughout the winter. I was driving to work and saw the barn on fire but there was nothing anyone could do. You couldn’t get anywhere near the structure, it was so hot. It was in December and the horses were in their stalls. My mom and I were there when the structure finally collapsed on the horses inside. The owner of the barn is a regular coth poster. She and her family also carry this painful grief and loss. To this day it still haunts me and I’m sure it does her as well. No one can prepare you for such tragedy.

For years all I could think of was the “what ifs”. My beloved mare I’d had for 10 years. Mom bought her at a Quarter Horse auction for me. I fell in instant love the minute I saw her at that auction and told my mom I can NOT go home without this horse. Something about her told me this was my lifelong partner. We bought her without even having a means to haul her home. We were in a different state at this auction! My parents had to arrange for a shipper. She came from a racing barn in Florida and was going to Wisconsin. She didn’t have a winter hair on her so we had to find a tack shop and buy everything she needed for the trip. Mom and I picked out a navy Big D stable blanket and hood, and matching shipping boots. Throughout all the years her Big D blanket and hood and the shipping boots kept hanging around the farm.

The mice got into the blanket and shipping boots and destroyed them. I finally threw them away just this year. I couldn’t bring myself to let go of them because I was afraid I would forget. The only thing of hers that I have left is 3 of the shoes she was wearing at the time of the fire, and her old black leather halter. I will probably be buried with them. Well, I also have her daughter, the only foal she ever had

After the fire there were 2 things I HAD to do - quickly. I had to buy another horse, and I had to track down the horse that was born to my mare. We had sold her when she was 3 years old, and at this time she would be 9 years old. Within 1 month I bought a new horse - a little baby Arab weanling. Within 4 months my mom and I located, and purchased the buckskin mare that we had sold as a 3 year old. Both mares came home, and I will have both these girls until they die. When we brought the buckskin home we threw a big welcome home party with a cake and everything. It brought us a LOT of closure to have her back home.

I too sat at home plucking bay hairs out of her old saddle pad. I couldn’t wash the breeches I had ridden her in the night before the fire. I cried and sqwalled because it was sleeting/snowing/raining, and the horses were laying out there in the rubble in that horrible weather. I wanted them covered up. Mom and I sat up all night convincing each other there was nothing we could do. I did not eat or sleep for days and for months I cried every day.

For me, the biggest part of healing did not come until I got the new horses. Some might think that is selfish but I needed something to get my mind off the pain and loss.

We all have our griefs and burdens to bear as we travel through life. In time it gets much easier. What you are going through is absolutely horrible but please know that you are not alone. Many of us have walked that same dark, desolate path and have managed to finally find the sunshine again Please hang in there and take good care of yourself. Time will ease your pain, I promise.

[Bluey]

I had dogs all my life.
A neighbor gave me a border collie puppy.
I got an ILP for her and was starting to show her in obedience, she was my right hand dog working cattle and we had been daubing a bit in cattle herding trials, with the help of a friend that trained border collies.

There were some interesting advanced education classes at our college I was taking.
I had to leave at 5:30 pm, the college is 1 1/2 hours away, we had three hours of classes 7 to 10 and then I got back home about 11:30.
I was gone 6 hours three evenings a week.
My dog was left in the house, with a dog door to the yard, that was fenced with 6’ chain link panels.
As safe and comfortable as I thought any dog could be.

One evening, when I got to the house, my dog was dead by the door, with a swollen head, a rattler had bit her.
If I had not been gone and gone so long, she could be alive now, that is all I could think for long, long time.

I didn’t get a dog for four years after that.
I kept helping with our dog club classes and shows, at the local shelter and as a puppy raiser for my friend the herding trainer.
For four years, I could not think of owning a dog again.
Eventually, I got the little dog I have now, that has been bitten by rattlers twice, but I was there for her and she made it.

Some times, you have to disassociate for a bit to protect yourself.
It is not really fair to another dog/cat to jump in and get another one, if you have unresolved issues with what happened to your last one.
Then, for many, that may be the way to go.

[Sunlight_patch]

I never thought that reading a collection of stories about pets lost in tragic accidents could make me feel better. I cried reading so many of these stories, but I feel so comforted hearing how all of you share in my pain and can understand what my husband and I are going through. It’s a very unique pain, which is why I was feeling frustrated with the books on pet loss that only seemed to address euthanasia at the end of a long life.

We have a framed picture of her on our living room wall. At first I had to take it down, but she used to sit in that corner, and I realized it was a small source of comfort to have it hanging up and remind me that she watches over us. I almost wish I’d kept her dishes, but we buried her with her favorite things - bed, soft pink towel, dishes, laser pointer, and pink mousie.

For now, until I am ready, we will just be making donations to pet rescues. I still have my horse that I can hug and draw strength from, and one of our other cats sits in my lap and purrs when I cry.

It’s a strange little club that we all belong to. I can appreciate how incredibly difficult it is for people to share their own stories, but each one is helping me realize that I’m not alone.

[2ndyrgal]

My twin sister just went through this, about this time last year

One minute her beloved Corgi, Baxter, was chasing the ball, the next instant his spinal cord was irreparably damaged, nothing from the stifles back would ever work again. He was in no pain, just confused.

She sat at home with him while I returned to my farm just down the road and dug him a grave on the hill, in the cold, freezing rain, in the “garden” where the “good horse” is buried. I then picked them up, at nearly dark, (it was Sunday) and my equine vet met us at the farm. My sister held her boy on her lap while he fell quietly to sleep for the last time.

She sat with him, until it got to cold for her to continue, he was still warm in the quilt she held him in.

She waited in the tack room with the kitties while I buried him, no way was I going to let her watch her boy go into the cold, wet ground on a dark and rainy night.

I’ve never buried another animal as carefully as I did him.

She finally went up to see where he lay this spring, I planted climbing roses around his spot.

The other day she called, sobbing uncontrollably, she’d heard a song that reminded her of her loss, and thought she shouldn’t still be that sad.

Saturday, she agreed to take one of my “rescue” kitties that is just not “barn cat” material.

She let “spook” sleep in her dog’s spot on the bed the very first night, and while it made her a bit sad to miss him, it made her feel much better to have some little warm critter to love.

[katarine]

[QUOTE=cowboymom;5992613]
I remember that day with Box… I can still hear your voice with that call.

I was thinking about this yesterday and why getting another pet so quickly helped my dad and other people I know.

I think that for my parents especially, they lost their dog to a moment of carelessness that they could not stop reliving and rethinking. They hated themselves for what happened and my dad couldn’t get past it, he sat in his chair all day long crying and cussing himself.

But when they got that puppy he, and my mom, had a little dependent thing that they could smother with love and care and I think, in their own eyes redeem themselves. Atone for the mistake they couldn’t forgive themselves for.

So maybe things along those lines also help heal, if not getting another pet maybe volunteer or donate.

dang- sad stuff, it’s hard.[/QUOTE]

I felt so bad for your parents, it’s that terrible moment of what just happened/this is not happening. You realize at least for a second how fragile everything is, all of it.

[yellow-horse]

I killed one of my dogs, he was a goofy adolescent at the time of his death. His mother was a stray who came out of the woods, skinny and sick and had 8 healthy puppies in my barn. I found homes for 5 of them. He was one of the 3 I kept. He lived with his 2 sisters in a fenced yard and was fed there, as they got older the 2 girls would fight with him over food, the way I solved that was to bring him out of the yard and put him on a tie out and let him eat on the porch and when he finished my husband would put him back in the yard.
Well, my boss had called me to come to work early and I was trying to get out of the house, feed dogs, cats, horses, goats and I never checked to see if Bubba was back in his yard. He must have gone under my car and got his tie out chain caught so he couldn’t move and basically, he was behind my car and I ran over him, he died instantly.I never got to work that day.
I’ve had animals for decades and buried many of them but knowing I killed him was very hard to deal with.

[Kryswyn]

My first Jack Russell was killed in front of me and while I used to say there were 3 of us who shared the guilt (me, the man driving the truck that ran over him, and Random the dog), clearly I was to blame. The man had no way to see over the hood of his truck to see my little old guy, and since Random’s obedience was never a strong point, obviously it was up to me to ensure he stayed out of harm’s way. If I’d let him ride in the truck for 30’, he’d have lived. If the man had heard me scream, he’d’ve lived. If the darn dog had just stayed where I told him to, he’d’ve lived. But, like almost all of my Jacks, he wanted to be with me at all times.

In the year prior to this, I’d had a Basenji get hit on the highway by my farm (Random was killed in my driveway). I was devastated. But the next day I adopted a basenji my vet knew about. When Random died, it took two months before I could get another Jack. Having the replacement Basenji and a collie enabled me to get through the two months without a Jack. But the day I was ready to get another Jack was the day I HAD TO GET ONE.

The first night the little pup slept on my stomach I told him, “You have some pretty big paws to fill.” He couldn’t possibly replace Random, but he went on to change my life in ways Random never could.

You will know when you’re ready to get a new kitty. Or the kitty might find you before you think you’re ready, but allow fate to decide for you. Fate owes you for taking your dear kitty too soon.

Oh, and one last reflection: sharing what actually happened, with all the horrible details, can actually help take the horror away. The more you hear it spoken, the more you tell the tale, the more distance you put between the event and yourself.

[Bluey]

[QUOTE=Kryswyn;5996019]

Oh, and one last reflection: sharing what actually happened, with all the horrible details, can actually help take the horror away. The more you hear it spoken, the more you tell the tale, the more distance you put between the event and yourself.[/QUOTE]

Right.
Telling it to others spreads the burden in our eyes.
I don’t think you ever “get over it”.
What happened is what happened and nothing will change that.
We just move on with our lives, eventually.

[didgery]

A kitten of mine died a tragic, gruesome death when I was a child. She was up inside the couch springs, and someone sat down.

I don’t remember the cleanup (being young, I’m sure I was spared the most gruesome moments) but I remember the suffering of that family member. It was just an accident, and there was no way to predict it, but she blamed herself.

We had plywood nailed to the bottom of all of our chairs for the rest of my childhood—no more counting on that flimsy film of fabric to keep cats out of the inner workings of a piece of furniture!

I hope you and your husband can move past guilt and self-blame.

[Snowflake]

A lot of times it’s the trauma of losing the pet in this way that makes it so much worse. That’s the sting that makes it so very painful. I wish every animal could die in their sleep, grey in the face, curled up in their bed and have it be peaceful. But, unfortunately, It doesn’t happen that way.

I had a tragic accident happen to my 12 week old puppy. He was attacked by another dog and lost his eye. He was rushed to the vet and we didn’t know it, but there was another puppy at the vet hospital that day who had parvo. I was able to bring my puppy home the next day but 5 days later he was deathly ill. Back to the hospital he went and there he stayed. I was beside myself in guilt. If I hadn’t turned my back, the attack wouldn’t have happened and he wouldn’t have gotten sick. I spent nights at the hospital, sitting on the floor holding a tiny dying puppy and just sobbing. He was my first experience with having a puppy on my own as an adult and this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen.

I think the horror of what happen plays a lot into how we feel when things like this happen. If I could go back in time and change it, I would in a heartbeat. But, I believe we’re always faced with experiences we need to have and that we are capable of dealing with. This will make you stronger and a better pet owner for your current and future pets. You were also the still best pet owner you could be for the cat you lost. So, know that her death is part of your path and her loss is not for nothing. She enriched your life, and you hers.

Sadly and thankfully, there are a lot of people who clearly loved their animals who can understand your feelings on many levels. Take solace in the fact that you are not alone and Miss Kitty is not alone at the rainbow bridge.

[To_the_MAX]

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Our golden was hit by a car last March. The morning schedule at our house was this: my parents would wake up, let the dogs out, then feed them around 5 AM. The dogs were very aware of our property’s boundaries always go right out and come right back in for their breakfast. Well, my dad heard squealing tires and just knew something was wrong. Sure enough, our golden must have caught sight of some deer and chased them across the road. It’s very rare that there’s any traffic on our road at that time in the morning. The guy driving couldn’t do anything to avoid her… I woke up to my HYSTERICAL mother. I literally thought my sister or my father had died. Jerzey was her “heart dog.” We all blamed ourselves…I know that I am the “dog trainer” of the family and all I could think about was that I didn’t train her to be trustworthy enough off-leash.

Accidents happen. It sucks, but they do. You and your hubby loved your cat and I guarantee she knew that. :sadsmile: