Coping with accidental death of pet (positive update post #73)

[T.G.I.F]

My parents lost both their dogs this summer in a fire at the cottage. My dad still feels so guilty about it. The one dog he is “ok” with as she was mostly deaf & wouldn’t have heard him but he is guilt-riden with why he didn’t make sure his dog was following him out. Mind you they barely made it out with nothing but the clothes they were wearing before the cottage collapsed but facts have nothing to do with emotion.

With the help of a friend who is a breeder of Golden Retrievers we got them a lovely 4 year old dog that is helping them move past.

[ILuvmyButtercups]

Well, then that’s it - the guilt. The endless unremittant irrational guilt we carry with us every time we feel we should have mastery over every aspect of our lives, and that of our charges.

All the experts and life coaches say we need to be rid of guilt in order to build on our experiences and be better stewards of our time on earth. Logically, it is arrogant to believe we can control everything in our sphere; to grapple with helplessness, to acknowledge our gross limitations, threatens to reduce us to bottomless despair. Sometimes we just need to raise up our heads and be content with the fact that we did absolutely love the lost one, and that will just have to be enough. To the compassionate and loving soul, this has to be the hardest cross to bear, but the one most beneficial in the end, as it honors the lost one, ensures it a permanant place in our hearts forever.

That we loved them so much, sometimes just has to be enough.

[TheHorseProblem]

We lost our beloved little dog to idiopathic thrombocytopenia a few years ago. I noticed on a Tuesday morning that his feces looked dark, but thought nothing of it. He was sort of out of it that day and the next, then on Thursday, I took him hiking, which he normally loved to do, but he was really struggling to keep up so I cut it short and took him home. On the drive home, it finally occurred to me that the dark stool was because there was blood in it. I took him to the vet that afternoon, but she declined to treat him until test results came in, even though his gums were pale and spotty. We then went through three days of emergency vet treatment, giving him fluids, and finally a blood transfusion, but he never did pass a normal stool, and by Monday night he was lodged under the bed and coughing, keeping me awake. Finally he stopped and I was able to get to sleep; of course, it was because he was dead.

So I feel guilty about two things: first, that it took me two days to realize he was so sick, and that I took him hiking when he was ill, and second, that I didn’t take him to the emergency vet that last night to have him put down. He was coughing because his lungs were filling with fluid.

He was six when he died. My husband and I were devastated, and we still feel guilty about what we could have done differently. But what we did was go to the humane society and adopt a really old dog with health problems that no one wanted. “Gramps” was deaf and had only six months more to live, but those six months were glorious.

We had always joked about what a curmudgeon our little dog would be when he got old. Well, he never got to be old, so we salved our pain by pampering little Gramps, who slept between us and went on long walks in a stroller.

It still stings, but we put our energy towards the living.

OP, I hope you are able to find peace. Time does heal, not completely, but you won’t always feel this way.

[Kryswyn]

Every pet we share our lives with teaches us something. Sometimes the lessons are happy ones; sometimes not, but the lessons need to be learned just the same.

Your story reminds me of a terrible tragic accident that took place in Hawaii while I lived there. A young woman driving home to Ewa Beach at 6:30 in the morning after working a night shift fell asleep at the wheel and ran off the road. Miles of empty road and she yet she hits the only bicyclist, a mother towing her two twin toddlers behind her. Both children were killed instantly, the mother critically injured.

An unanswerable question, how did this happen? HOW could it have happened with literally miles of empty shoulders that she should decimate this family?
There is no answer. Random chance. Why this family? Why your cat? Why not them?

My saying it won’t make it so, but you and your husband need to relieve yourselves of the guilt. There was no intent; it wasn’t a playful joke, pointing the gun at the cat that went wrong. It.was.an.accident. Kitty felt nothing. When you think how our pets can suffer, even when we try to help them (like the poster above when we delay treatment for whatever reason), surely how kitty went is one of the best - light on, light off.

I’m not a therapist, nor do I play one on TV, but I think your guilt may be masking your own fear (OMG that could’ve been me or DH!) and anger (How could he DO that? He’s an experience gun handler!). Yes, it could’ve been you in another setting (Hoping you don’t hide under the bed for safety!), but it wasn’t your time. You never die a second earlier than you’re supposed to, and a never a minute later. Your husband may have experience, but I can bet you he’s going to be even more careful for the rest of his life. Kitty was here to teach you many lessons; acceptance and extra caution were just the last two, and probably the longest lasting.

As for the kitten? I told you LOL sometimes they find you! I hope you’re not going to walk away from fate’s gift. She owes you!

[deserthorses5]

Loss of a pet

I lost the only one of my horses I have ridden two years ago in a stupid, FREAK corral accident. Beauty, at some point during the night, got down to roll, got cast, and hit her head on the metal railing. I found her dead the next morning. It was a STUPID, senseless death and I’ve mourned her now for over two years. What could I have done? Nothing. I board all my horses with a wonderful woman and she checked all the horses at midnight. I found her at 7:30 a.m. the next morning. It was totally senseless. My only comforting thought is that someday I’ll see her again and we will be reunited. I loved that mare with all my heart. She was one of my rescued mares, off the old CBER feedlot. She was a beautiful, loving animal and my cousin, who trained her for me, was also devastated by her loss. I don’t know what else to say…I think about her every day still.

[shiloh]

So sorry for your loss. (((hugs))) You have been offered much good advice - far better than anything I could say. I can only reiterate that it will get better over time.

As for me…well, I may be posting with this same concern. I have a horde of outside kitties who run to meet my car as I drive down my narrow driveway. I have 3 that insist on running directly in front of my vehicle at the last second. I live every day with the fear that I will be the death of one or more of them.

[cutter99]

Sometimes I think animals leave our lives to allow room for others to enter. I type this as I sit here with my new Shih Tzu who came from a hoarding situation. Our other Shih Tzu was killed a little over a year ago. If she were still here, this little guy would still be at the shelter! I’m sure she approves!

[ReeseTheBeast]

I LuvmyButtercups, your entire post was right on, but especially this part:

@ILuvmyButtercups;6014587

That we loved them so much, sometimes just has to be enough.

Out of whatever lessons we’re meant to learn from the animals and people that come in and out of our lives during our time here on earth; I believe that learning how to love them so much, and to let ourselves be loved so much in return; are the most important lessons of all.

I hope all of you who have shared your stories here (and anyone lurking who has one that they haven’t shared), find peace and forgiveness and closure; and that you live the rest of your lives knowing and feeling that.

Acknowledge your loss, but don’t live for it. Live on in the honor of the ones you’ve lost instead.

[Burbank]

sunlight, I am so sorry what an awful thing but you are right, she most likely had no idea what happened

when the time is right a new cat or kitten will come into your life

[BetterOffRed]

Sun_light,

I have recently gone through the accidental death of a pet, also a cat. It has been really emotionally painful for me because unlike other pets, I felt like her life had been needlessly cut short and I have been feeling so guilty and wondering how I could I have prevented it.

As I’ve been trying to cope, I thought about your post here in the menagerie. Thank you for starting starting the conversation.

[Sunlight_patch]

Thank you all, for your continued support. It was really hard to share the details of what happened. But I agree, Kryswyn, that I am relieved that it was instant for her. As horrible as the whole thing was, it could’ve been more horrible if we had heard her be in pain. There was nothing. Instant.

I am just now able to start watching some of the videos of her that I had taken. Because we got her from my husband’s sister, I used to take videos that were little “conversations” between the cat and me, and send them to his sister. I know watching them is part of how I will heal. In one, she rolling around in a particularly bright sunlight patch in our bedroom…I held the camera up close to her and talked to her, and she would chirp back at me in response. It was hard to watch at the end - I said, “Bye-bye, sweetheart - say goodbye!” and she squeezes her eyes shut and chirps at me, as if she’s actually saying goodbye. I just sat for awhile and sobbed after watching that video.

I also filled out an adoption application form at our local rescue. They did follow up with me and wanted to know how she died (I had listed her as just deceased). It took me twenty minutes to type the story out just because I was crying so much, and trying to figure out a way to word the story that didn’t make it sound so awful (there really is no way). I was so worried they would reject my application.

Thankfully, I got an email this morning from their cat adoption coordinator - we were APPROVED. What an incredible relief. She said that they appreciated our honesty with the tragic accident, and that it was clear that it was an accident with no way of happening again (we do not, and will never again, have any firearms in our house).

What one other poster said in here is so true…accidental deaths take away our chance to watch that pet grow old. We can take back some of that by giving that chance to another pet. I am relieved that this rescue is giving me the opportunity to honor my sweet girl’s memory by taking care of another the way it’s supposed to be - all the way through their golden years. :sadsmile:

[oliverreed]

So glad your adoption application has been approved. I think a new kitty will really help in your situation. Hugs to you.

[Sunlight_patch]

It’s been just over six months since my girl died. I decided to come back and give an update, if for no other reason than to stress that it DOES get better in these situations.

After our adoption request was approved, my husband and I only intended to adopt one new cat. However, the girl kitten I really wanted at the rescue organization was really attached to one of her foster mates…

…long story short, I’m a sucker and we ended up adopting TWO kitties! If adopting one cat would help honor her memory, wouldn’t adopting two cats be twice as good? We adopted a girl and a boy (the boy is super shy and was having difficulty getting adopted). We adopted them just a few days before Christmas. Both cats have done my heart a world of good. It was a struggle to let go of some the anxiety (for awhile, I was quite panicky about anything happening to them), but they adjusted super quickly to living with our original two cats. The new female cat bonded with me immediately, and rarely leaves my side, like a little guardian angel. As I type this, she is just a few feet away, keeping watch over me.

One of the things that helped the most was turning the tragedy into something positive. Not only did we adopt two new kitties, but we also served as a temporary foster home for two months for two cats who were rescued from a bad hoarding situation. When a family member was considering getting a gun and keeping it at home, we were brave and shared our story…I think they have reconsidered (or at the very least, won’t ever keep it loaded at home). My husband has begun marathon training again, and is going to run for an animal charity. I know that nothing can bring her back or fully make things right, but by learning from our mistake, we can keep her memory alive.

Thank you, COTH, for the kind and supportive words. I am so grateful that I posted here, as everyone stories were so helpful. I feel better knowing that others have gotten comfort from these shared stories as well. It hasn’t been easy, but I promise…it does eventually get better.

[oliverreed]

SO very glad to hear your happy update!

[hundredacres]

Wonderful update. WOuld only be better with pictures! Enjoy your new kitties ~~

[Zu_Zu]

GREAT UPDATE ``` IMPRESSED ! ENJOY YOUR NEW KITTENS ~

GREAT UPDATE `` THANK YOU FOR POSTING ALL YOUR GOOD NEWS ~

ENJOY YOUR NEW KITTENS ~

[Emryss]

I am glad things are better! Thanks for the update - I kinda needed the pick-me-up today.

[Burbank]

so glad to hear the update, sounds like your household is on the emotional mend, she will never be replaced nor will she be forgotten

[incentive]

Congratulations on your new kitties! And THANK YOU for sharing all the love with little ones that need it. I think that is how we honor the ones we have lost.
{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}} to you and your husband

[PiaffePlease]

Your update made me tear up. Im so glad you are doing better! Losing your girl was terrible, but you’ve donw alot to honor her memory. Sharing the story with a family member was hard, but hopefully they will reconsider, or at least be reminded that guns can be dangerous in responsible hands, too.