I think the OP was looking for advice on how to handle the grieving process if the mare’s old owner took her back not what should she do with the horse. There was already a thread on that.
No the OP didn’t help herself but people here got pretty self righteous with the OP.
I think it would be just fine if the old owner is willing to take her back and give her a good home. You say you’re friends, so I would think you could still visit the horse from time to time.
Stop with the name calling. You are the one who posted. So you are in your words financially set to care for two horses, and I don’t see what the problem is. Pay her old owner to full board her where she will be loved and well taken care of but will not be “rehomed,” sell the one who is still rideable, and buy a second horse. What’s the problem? Why the drama?
I’ve seen this tale before and it’s a cycle-when the next horse breaks or isn’t enough for you, that horse will become someone else’s rescue problem. You no longer want this mare and you want her to be someone else’s problem—not yours. You don’t want to pay to board her, you just want her off of your payroll. Problem is, you own her and are responsible.
Clearly you don’t like what you are reading from anyone posting, likely because you don’t feel absolved from responsibility and guilt. Lashing out isn’t helping.
I do not have two lame horses.
Barrels did not cause the lameness. Vet gave okay to try it because the lameness is quite rare. She competed one full season at a low level. At this point i want to compete and enjoy the one thing i have a passion for. Life is too short.
Again, the problem is i have nowhere to keep her where she would actually be happy, however i already said again and again id make it work if she didnt want the horse, which is pretty unlikely to be resold because She gives many many horses retirment homes, its what she does, but she requires ownership of the horse. She doesnt lease and no longer accepts retirment boarders because they have ended up abandoned with her in the past. We knew she had something going on. She asked me to offer her the horse back to her if i could no longer keep her. However life happens so you never know, maybe she will have to sell all her horses one day.
Again, boarding her there is not an option. She is moving too far away, how am i supposed to be there for farrier and everything else ? Full board doesnt include things like that.
Im sour because im being spoken to rudely, things being assumed about me, only a few people actually read what im saying. Nobody has actually given an answer related to the reason this was posted which yes, was about the greiving process, and for whatever reason people think its better to kill a horse than give it to somebody that can provide a great life for it, which is absolutely insane in my opinion.
Retirement board means that you pay someone to retire her. You don’t have to be there for farrier.
lots of blaming of your nastiness on the fact that people are saying things you don’t like. That’s not taking accountability, and I think that’s what the general reaction is regarding.
We are reading, we are only assuming what you are writing, and we get it that it’s a difficult situation for you. The mare is not her former owner’s responsibility. She offered this so that the mare would not fall into the wrong hands.
Best of luck to your horses.
Okay but i said she does not offer retirment board and the only places i could find that advertise this still require owner involement to some extent, which i cant do because its not local. I have no found anywhere that takes over 100% all farrier vet and everything.
Sorry but if someone is nasty to me im going to be nasty back. Whats ur excuse? Sayings things like that was completely uncalled for. Of course i dont like that someone thinks a horse should just be put down. again, i wasnt asking for opinions, and everyone was quite rude in pushing their opinion.
I have spoken to her about this horse many times. Obviously she doesnt want the horse to fall into the wrong hands. But It was also her personal horse before she sold her to me and she still enjoys riding her and wanted her back. She was not for sale when she was sold to me.
If you don’t know there are worse fates for a horse who is unsound than a gentle death, you haven’t been in horses very long.
YES, she is better off dead and at peace than passed from hand to hand, then starving to death with a hoarder or being shipped to mexico to be butchered alive. And don’t kid yourself- as soon as you relinquish ownership you are POWERLESS to stop her ending up there.
Horse dies either way- just because you can pretend she’s out in a fluffy field somewhere doesn’t make it so.
If you love her, retain ownership.
And yes, board in MANY barns, ESPECIALLY retirement barns, includes them holding for vet and farrier- what a silly excuse.
Trotting, as you can see people get heated over this. Just try your best to scroll past. Maybe give your general area and someone here can maybe help find a retirement home in the event her former owner can’t take her on any more. I get that not having control is scary, but you know your friend will give her excellent care. Just try to remember that.
I wish you luck.
If horses are a tool for someone to reach goals then they usually are not referred to as “heart horses” and riders don’t really grieve when they sell them. It’s strictly business.
I compete and have riding goals, but my horses are my children, my partners, my everything.
My very first horse lived a life of luxury for 10 years as a blind horse. I could ride him, but didn’t compete. His happiness was more important. Four years after he went blind a wonderful free OTTB fell in my lap. Everything you could want in an event horse. But he was really a closet dressage horse. He lived the rest of his life enjoying dressage while I waited patiently for another opportunity to own one that jumped ( I got much better at dressage too). I bred my mom’s horse and got my first baby who happened to love eventing. She had her baby 2 1/2 yrs ago.
I make a promise to every horse I own. I promise to take the best care of them regardless of what they can do for me and I will be by their side when they cross over the rainbow bridge<3
I want to add too that I am with all of you with the whole keep horses until they die thing so I know they live a good life. However life happens AND please re-read. The horse is going to have a soft landing either with a friend or the OP.
I had to sell my “heart horse” ( I hate that term) because I could no longer afford her. I gave her to a trusted friend. Life happens! And guess what I got a call one day that they had to put her down because she broke her leg. Do y’all not think for a minute I thought if I had kept her she never would have done that? My friend didn’t do anything wrong. It was a pasture accident plain and simple. But I thought for a while if I didn’t give her up she would not have been in that paddock and she’s still be here.
Lay off the OP. She said if her friend didn’t take her she would keep her. Clearly she’s in an area that is limited on boarding options for this horse.
If she goes to my friend, that isnt going to happen. You cant talk about something you know nothing about. She has been in the rescue and rehoming buisness for years and they all have amazing life long homes, in the slim chance she had to sell she wouldnt just throw her to whoever. And all her horses come back to her if they cant be kept. Its a very tight horse community here if someone has a reputation of shipping or mistreating horses one of hers will not ever end up there. You have your opinion i have mine, go waste your time with somebody that actually wants to hear it. Im not putting down a horse that is still living a good quality of life and has a job. Why do people even rescue horses then if they are just going to die ? Better to put it down then give it to a good home? Id rather her have a good life in a good home.
If i cant find one that doesnt exactly help me does it ? Im not gonna send her across the country.
Guys, OP is totally correct in that on a previous thread, everyone was like “rehome safely if possible” and that’s exactly what the OP is looking to do. There is NOTHING wrong with rehoming a horse that isn’t 100% sound for one rider’s goals but sound for other work. Hell, how many ex-jumpers find a 2nd career as straight dressage or trail horses?
Sound on the flat and trail but not holding up for barrels? I know dozens of quarter horses in that position and no one rips into their owners for rehoming.
As to how you deal with the emotional side, OP, I don’t have any first hand advice. I’ve never been able to rehome a horse I was bonded to, only the ones that I liked but didn’t love. I’m sure my old mare who can’t handle collection work anymore would make a lovely child’s mount. She’s sound short of arthritis making anything past 2nd level painful and she’s as bombproof and show steady as they come. She could certainly toodle around at the lower levels for dressage and hunter rings but … she’s my pony. I’ve had her for 20 years and she’s staying with me until she dies, even though it puts a cramp on my own riding & training goals. I had to stop trying to progress, showing wise, with her in her late teens and I had more than one offer for her from older re-riders who wanted a steady eddie to pony club parents hoping for something well trained and safe to put little Suzy on. I just couldn’t handle the idea of her going somewhere else where they don’t know or aren’t willing to pay for treatment for all her little health quirks (allergies!!!) and having her quality of life deteriorate.
It is amazing how derailed this thread has gotten considering that you have stated two options for the horse: go back to old owner you trust, or keep her and do your best to find a solution that she is happy in. Both of those options seem reasonable…
In terms of coping with saying good bye to your heart horse, I think the biggest thing is reminding yourself that if the previous owner’s place is a better fit then you are acting in your mare’s best interest. It also sounds like you and the previous owner communicate regularly so I would assume that does not have to stop if she takes the mare back. Maybe ask if you can visit her occasionally.
I was working with a horse that was supposed to be a quick give training and proper nutrition to upgrade his life type project. I got way more attached than I should have so regularly miss him after I eventually gave in to the fact that he was meant for resale. Even though I miss him I know all worked out for the best as he is happy and loved, and I get regular updates on him.
Thankyou,
it was not my intention when i got her of course but im extremely tired of missing out on rides and such with friends/family, and i want to compete while i still can before i start a family. If i had my own land it would be a completely different story. I can afford two horses but its incredibly expensive and not ideal. If i rehome the mare now with my friend, that money can be used as a downpayment to buy my own land down the road instead of board. Then in the case mare needs to be moved again she can just come back to me anyways.
i cant believe how crazy this post got. Dont think these forums are for me. For those who were understanding and kind even if you do not agree with rehoming a
horse, thankyou. Have a great day.
@Trotting don’t leave because of a few self righteous people. There are more understanding people here than not. Also I tried to send you a PM.
Actually, close reading will show that she doesn’t know that the horse will be kept in a forever home.
Has nothing to do with self-righteousness, has to do with the fact that She’s getting rid of a horse that the story seems to be changing on.
Horse doesn’t trust anyone else, blah blah blah.
Details are important here. Changing them to suit the outcome is fine, but just be honest about it. She’s a tool to you, and because she no longer works for you, you want to get rid of her and not be responsible for any of the expenses. We get it. Just call it what it is and own it and you probably won’t get this kind of response. But you’re trying to skirt the line in the middle and I think that’s met with some honest responses because you posed the question, and you asked. So how do you cope? You do what you know when your heart is the right thing. If that’s absolving yourself of any responsibility of this horse, so be it. You’re the only one who has to Worry about your own feelings.
I don’t think it would bother you this much if you knew it was the right thing. But that’s just my opinion. So go on and lash out again with nastiness.
Its pretty obvious there is never a 100% chance someone will keep a horse forever, its called life, but i already said its pretty unlikely and if she did shed find only the best home for her, i think you are completely missing that i said id keep her or take her back.
That doesnt mean nobody else can handle or ride her, it takes her a long time to warm up to people she is a safe horse and this is somebody she knows. You are completely wrong and only making assumptions but okay. I dont get why you are wasting your time here. Have a nice life.
I’ll admit I didn’t read super-carefully, but I’m confused. I get that your friend doesn’t want to “do” retirement board for all comers, but given that you are friends and she previously owned the horse, why wouldn’t she prefer that you retain ownership and pay her some board?
I had my mare on retirement board for 10 years after her riding career ended (while I continued to compete another horse). She was useful as a nanny horse, so I’m pretty sure if I had approached the BO and said “do you just want to keep her?” he might have said yes. But then, he might have decided the next month to sell her. That worry wasn’t worth it to me, so I paid board (not a ton; it was retirement board) till she died.
This is the trade-off we all are up against, whatever our competition goals might or might not be. If you want to control what happens in a horse’s life, you have to own him.
Sorry but I think there’s some middle ground between “I love my horse and will keep him/her as a pet forever even if s/he can’t do the things I want to do” and “horses are tools that I will throw away once I’m done.” I fall in the middle ground and it sounds like OP does too, and is trying to responsibly rehome this horse if possible–just like people on her other thread suggested! I still don’t see why she should be crucified.
OP, I think the other reason you’re getting few responses to your actual question (“How do I cope?”) is that it’s very personal and it’s hard to tell someone else how to handle their emotions. Processing things like this and getting past it is a general life skill.
If it will help to hear stories from people who have rehomed horses they’ve loved, I’ve done it twice and consider them both a success. I outgrew my first horse in terms of ability and soundness, and my trainer facilitated his sale to another student, for whom he was also a fabulous first horse until he died in a pasture accident. He was in his late teens so not a great candidate for rehoming in general, but he was also a dressage schoolmaster with an excellent show record and was sound for the lower levels with some maintenance. I loved him and I missed him at first, but I also knew he was well cared for and I moved on to new adventures with my next horse.
The second one I took on for free as a resale project when his owner couldn’t afford him anymore. He was actually a fabulous little horse, with the best brain I’ve ever encountered, and would literally try anything his rider asked of him. I got pretty attached despite my plan to sell him, and if money were no object I would definitely have kept him forever. Before I started law school I decided the responsible, adult thing to do would be to sell him as I wouldn’t have time for two horses anymore and my other horse is a keeper (I hate “heart horse”). I cried when he got on the trailer, not sure I was doing the right thing, but luckily he also found a wonderful home and I still get cute photos a few times a year.
Those of us in this “middle ground” have to let go of the idea that we are the only ones who can keep our horses happy and healthy. (While doing our very best to find them the best homes possible and realizing that once they are out of control, bad things could happen.)
Good luck! I hope the old owner can take her back. It sounds like a wonderful life for her.
This. The problem with horses is that they’re not cats or dogs. They’re very large, expensive, need large spaces, and can live 30+ years. They’re often purchased to do a job, not be a pet sitting in a pasture. It’s noble if you can keep an unrideable horse until they pass, but that’s not an option for everyone.
Good luck to the OP, I know how you feel.
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