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Daughter just quit riding; Update Post#151

Eventing
#61

I’m hearing a lot of parent perspectives here… I quit riding when I was very little because I was so frustrated I couldn’t learn the posting trot. I quit again after my naughty pony took off and bucked me off for the first time. I “quit” several times, and I’m sure all of us still have those days when we wonder why we are involved in such a dangerous, expensive, labour intensive, time consuming, painful sport that requires so much commitment.

I was exposed to horses from the day I was born. I was lucky to have a mom passionate about horses, so riding was something I was semi-forced to do. I started by trail riding with my mom, with no interest in doing any more. There were many cold winter days that I really didn’t want to ride, but I also didn’t want to disappoint my mom. I didn’t know anyone my own age who rode, and always dreamed a girl would move in next door with a horse. At the few small horse shows I went to as a little kid, I complained about having to clean tack and give my pony a bath… I’m completely different now; my trainer constantly makes comments about how “anal retentive” I am. Speaking of my trainer, she didn’t like horses as a little kid either.

I also played piano, soccer, and speed skated while I was little. I lost interest in them after some time as well, but stuck to each for two years. When I was 12, my mom told me I had to choose riding or speed skating. I chose riding of course, but mostly to because I thought she would be disappointed if I quit for good. The real horse bug didn’t hit me until I was about 13, which is when many young girls quit. The transitions from elementary school to middle school, middle school to high school, and high school to college seem to be major make it or break it points for kids and horses.

There is still hope for her, especially if she’s willing to spend time with the pony to get more time with mom. Don’t give up, but don’t push her too far to fast. You’re doing great by letting her explore other options, while keeping riding a positive opportunity. I’m sure it’s hard to be a parent in this situation, but kids are kids… Sometimes they don’t know what they want.

#62

[QUOTE=Laurierace;7704635]
I have been begging my daughter to quit for years because she doesn’t want to put any work in at all. We are blessed/cursed with the ultimate packer so she can ride once a week in a lesson a couple of times and go to an event and win so there is no incentive for her to work harder. I have tried telling her if she didn’t ride at least twice a week outside of lessons she couldn’t take a lesson but I generally cave. I would much prefer she just walked away altogether and be done with it than string it along forever.[/QUOTE]

Yep. I suspect we’ve got the same going on here and she will ride him the minimum to justify keeping him not because she’s really into to but because she just doesn’t want to give up a possession. Could be worse.

#63

Great post pacific_jumper. Thank you for your perspective!

#64

I currently have a 13 year old daughter who I can’t keep out of the barn. We are not horse people and live in the burbs. She went to a horse camp when she was 9 and was hooked. For a couple years, I kept waiting for interest to wain. I didn’t want to put money into it. When she is home, I can’t get her to clean her room or help with chores but when she is at the barn, she is constantly cleaning tack, mucking stalls, feeding, etc. I have finally given in, this is something she really wants. She doesn’t play any other sports and is constantly finding ways to ride for free. She has signed up to work at the barn certain days to help pay. The next thing on our list is purchasing our first horse. I am worried myself that now she is getting older, her interest will start to change. But I have not seen any sign yet. When she was younger, she tried different sports but none of them have stuck.

Just give her time, her true passion will eventually show itself.

#65

[QUOTE=Wonders12;7698323]
Originally Posted by FatCatFarm View Post

there is no point of hanging on to him or her stuff when he could be bringing some other child joy and who truly has been bitten by the horse bug.

Just keep reminding yourself this.[/QUOTE]

See, I don’t agree on selling for that reason. There are a TON of horses out there that need homes, and this boy has a good home. If $ isn’t an issue, the whole “let some kid who will love him have him” isn’t a valid reason.

On to my actual input:

My daughter went through phases and at one point we almost sold her gelding. But $ wasn’t an issue and he was such a good horse I didn’t want to not know what happened to him.

Two years later my daughter decided to start riding again and now loves it. When she comes home she runs to her boy and gives him a big fat kiss before heading in the house. She wants to learn jumping and joined 4H.

9 is young. No kid knows what they want at 9.

If you want to sell, sell. If you want to keep him, then please do. He has a good safe home with you. Lease him out or what have you, but there is my opinion, for the two cents it’s worth.

I do agree a kid shouldn’t be forced, but if she signs up for something, we do make her stick it out for awhile so that she gets past the “new is hard” stage before quitting.

**Missed your update: Hope it works out. I think horses are good for kids and the mom/kid time is also awesome.

#66

Hang in There

As the mother of 20 something young women and young men, I can tell you one thing, this won’t be the last time she changes her mind and you have to deal with the drama! Girls are harder, don’t care what anyone says, they just are. More drama, but worth every minute! I hope she stays with it and it works out.:slight_smile:

#67

I’ve been pretty heartbroken that my daughter doesn’t have the horse bug. It’s been such a surprise. I knew so much about this kid from the minute I got pregnant, but that one really took me by surprise.

I think for a lot of us who didn’t have a pony growing up, or didn’t have a lot of opportunities to ride we want to “correct” that absence through our daughters. But then our daughters don’t really give a rat’s ass about ponies and we’re totally at a loss.

This article was published recently and I was just gutted by what she’s missing:

http://www.horsenation.com/2014/08/12/back-on-track-horse-therapy-girls-and-horses/

I’m sure she’ll find her passion. But I loved horses from the time I could articulate a coherent thought. I just wish she had something like that. I’m sure she’ll find it. These horse girls are just so driven and focused. I was at a show a couple weeks ago and at six AM a 14 year old competitor said “Come on Dad. Let’s get to the BARN.” She wanted to check on her pony and get his breakfast going. My 15 year old niece doesn’t see the light of day before noon on the weekends. A horse crazy girl has DIRECTION and FOCUS. Unless she’s very wealthy she has to work very hard to meet her goals. And the confidence you get from a partnership with a 1200 lb animal? There’s nothing like it in the world.

It’s not even so much about wanting horses for our girls, it’s wanting them to feel that compelled about something. Since I’ve always felt this way, I can’t imagine life any other way. I don’t personally really care about showing that much. But I care so much about RIDING and spending time with my horse and learning and being better.

My daughter is only eight for the record. There’s plenty of time for her to find her “thing.” But I’ve never not had one so I don’t know how long this is supposed to take. :cool:

#68

[QUOTE=Chaila;7712104]

It’s not even so much about wanting horses for our girls, it’s wanting them to feel that compelled about something. [/QUOTE]

This nails it. I’ve actually said almost the same thing to my son on several occasions, as he half-heartedly gets into various things (riding, lacrosse, orchestra, etc). He really loves his pony, to the point of not wanting to see that he’s outgrowing him. He loves riding and Pony Club. However, he has no motivation and doesn’t like to work. If I say “let’s ride”, he wants to, but if I never suggested it, I think weeks would pass and many video games would be played. He claims he wants to go for his C2 rating this fall. He also claims his ultimate goal is the A. I told him he’d have to work hard for all his ratings from now on, which he says he’ll do, but I’m not buying it. He is 13 now. I really can’t predict whether he’ll stick with riding long-term or not right now.

#69

[QUOTE=Chaila;7712104]

These horse girls are just so driven and focused. I was at a show a couple weeks ago and at six AM a 14 year old competitor said “Come on Dad. Let’s get to the BARN.” She wanted to check on her pony and get his breakfast going. My 15 year old niece doesn’t see the light of day before noon on the weekends. A horse crazy girl has DIRECTION and FOCUS. Unless she’s very wealthy she has to work very hard to meet her goals. And the confidence you get from a partnership with a 1200 lb animal? There’s nothing like it in the world.

It’s not even so much about wanting horses for our girls, it’s wanting them to feel that compelled about something. :[/QUOTE]

I’ve told several dads who complained about their horse crazy daughters that they should embrace it. Better horse crazy than boy crazy! At least on a Friday night you’ll know she’ll be at the barn at midnight, cleaning tack for a show the next morning, rather than out at a party.

My daughter is only 2 1/2, haven’t seen the horse crazy bug yet, even though she DOES like to go out and feed the horses with me and says she wants to ride with me. We’ll see. As much as I would love to have her be horse crazy, I would be very happy if she just found something she was passionate about.

#70

Exactly. I knew as a very young child that horses were absolutely wonderful. Even when they were pitching me into the dirt, I still wanted back on.

I’ve been putting my daughter up on ponies/minis since she was 4; she’s been riding independently since age 6 and taking lessons since age 7. I think she was just ready for something new and couldn’t articulate that while she didn’t exactly want to give up riding, she did want to try something new, in addition to that, which is cheerleading. Right now cheerleading has all the luster of forbidden fruit. She starts her first class with a cheerleading gym tonight and we’ll see how good a fit it is for her.

Meanwhile, last night she and I took a trail ride and when we started out, she was in something of a piss poor mood, but by the time we got back, she was smiling, lighthearted and bubbly. Further proof that a good canter is the cure for any ill, as that’s exactly what we did: lots of trotting and cantering, and then a good invigorating gallop up the hill from the lake. At one point, her pony had put his head down to rub his face and shortly thereafter his headstall popped off. Daughter was a bit freaked, but I just stopped, told her to chill, slide off and put it back on, which she did without incident. Her pony was a little champ. All great stuff for a girl’s self-esteem. After we got back and she was still chattering 90mph, I pointed out what she would have been missing had she given up riding and was gratified with her enthusiastic response and hearty agreement that it was, “so much fun!” So hopefully, while she may do other things in addition to, she will stick with it.

And Somermist, you are correct and I have heard the same thing from many other moms: oh. the. drama. with. girls! Well, at least it’s not boring.

Amarachacres: Yes and no about the whole selling the pony thing. Hopefully it is now a non-issue but that one was going to be a tough call. There are good arguments on all three sides (keep/sell/lease). I don’t think any decision would have been wrong. Based upon our ride last night though, it bodes well that she will continue to ride him until she outgrows him at which point he will be retired as a permanent pasture ornament with us and/or occasionally loaned out to friends as a trustworthy kids mount.

#71

So now that we are a couple of months past my original post the way this has fallen out with my kiddo is that she trail rides and that’s pretty much it. We were hoping to get a hunter pace in, which she was enthusiastic about doing, but a planned trip to Colorado got in the way and we didn’t make it. She took a couple of more lessons, did well, but again, didn’t ask for more and didn’t do any constructive riding after them to make planning more lessons justifiable, so I’ve let it go. She still goes regularly with me to the barn in the evenings to feed but still needs cuing to do anything more with her pony. If I’m not the impetus, she does nothing with/for him yet still gets her back up if I raise the issue of selling or leasing. Has a blast on him whenever she bothers to trail ride him at least. So who knows what the future will bring. She’s still going to her weekly cheerleading class.

#72

I also have a daughter the same age who sounds somewhat similar, as well as a 12 year old who is extremely horse motivated. Both of them were very drawn to horses from a young age, and when they were younger we had my two horses at home and it seemed a logical next step to get the saintly Welsh pony so they would stop trying to climb on mom’s big TB’s. I wondered if I was making a mistake getting them a pony before they had to truly work for it, but since they were at home I wanted something safe for them to brush and handle.

Both daughters rode 1-2 times a week when they were younger and I did a half lease to keep the pony fit once we moved to a bigger barn. My older daughter got more serious about it when she was 8 or 9 and is now riding 4-5 days a week and does both Pony Club and three day eventing. My younger daughter still needs attention and supervision to ride, and is not the most focused kid in the world. I’ll sometimes find her reading her book in saintly pony’s stall leaning comfortably against her pony as a back rest. Pony is truly saintly and likes her company. She likes doing Pony Club and riding with friends, but she’s not at the stage where she could ride without supervision. She takes weekly lessons with a kind instructor who understands that they are not going to make progress every single lesson, and then I take her on trail rides. I’ve told her she doesn’t have to keep riding if she doesn’t want to, and we could full lease her pony, but she is attached to her pony and really doesn’t want that. We still have a half lessor for pony, so she gets enough exercise, but since she has dropped out of most other sports I want her to keep doing something.

Nine is very young for many kids, and as a Pony Club DC I see a whole range of levels of motivation and abilities to focus at that age. I think someone can enjoy riding without having it be their only interest and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I would keep making the opportunities available and find a nice instructor who is patient with her, and maybe see if you can find more opportunities for her to ride with other kids. That’s a big motivator for my daughter, although she also likes going on trail rides with me.

#73

I was not a horsey kid, growing up in a French city, riding was for the elite kids (doctors’, lawyers’ kids…) No way would my parents ever consider sending me for lessons…
I always loved horses (my great grandfather used to work with them getting timber out of the woods and had a passion for his horses)… my daughter tried every sport… swimming, diving, soccer, baseball, gymnastics, martial arts, dancing… none of them (except martial arts) lasted for more than a session… then I saw an ad for introductory riding lessons… she got hooked! found a barn closer to home and never looked back…
She never ever gave a hint she wanted to quit… no interest in boys, shopping… just horses. Would spend days at the barn working… helping. Got her first horse at Christmas 2000. Four years later the mare was retired due to ring bone. Never mind, DD still spent more time at the barn, learning, helping, exercising other people’s horses…
Now, married and 27, 3 horses later… still, it’s her passion. Still works at two barns on the w/e to help with board… I am so glad she found her passion and, despite the cost of boarding 3 horses, that she never quit or even thought of it.
My son found his passion in cycling…
Never had problems in their teenage years either…

I hope your daughter is just taking a breather, but at least, she does help and does ride her pony once in a while. Good on you for not making an issue of it.

#74

[QUOTE=FatCatFarm;7817021]
So now that we are a couple of months past my original post the way this has fallen out with my kiddo is that she trail rides and that’s pretty much it. We were hoping to get a hunter pace in, which she was enthusiastic about doing, but a planned trip to Colorado got in the way and we didn’t make it. She took a couple of more lessons, did well, but again, didn’t ask for more and didn’t do any constructive riding after them to make planning more lessons justifiable, so I’ve let it go. She still goes regularly with me to the barn in the evenings to feed but still needs cuing to do anything more with her pony. If I’m not the impetus, she does nothing with/for him yet still gets her back up if I raise the issue of selling or leasing. Has a blast on him whenever she bothers to trail ride him at least. So who knows what the future will bring. She’s still going to her weekly cheerleading class.[/QUOTE]

Well, she’s only 9. Lessons might just be too boring at that age. Maybe shake it up with something new? My 9 year old would come ride when I made her but wasn’t really hooked until we started foxhunting. Oh, so THATS why we practice our two point! Galloping is fun!! Then she started pony club and doing a few hunter paces and horse shows, and now she gets what she working towards and why the skills matter.

Now at age 10 she has outgrown her little Shetland and she doesn’t really have a pony of her own to ride, and she appreciates those school horse rides and those rides on mom’s big horses a whole lot more.

#75

I would not pay for cheerleading class under any circumstances. Ever. If she wants that, let her babysit and mow yards for it. Yeuch.

#76

[QUOTE=Lori B;7818581]
I would not pay for cheerleading class under any circumstances. Ever. If she wants that, let her babysit and mow yards for it. Yeuch.[/QUOTE]

Uhm, she’s 9 and it is actually a pretty athletic activity. I’ve watched and some of the stunts are impressive. It’s no longer just prancing around waving pom-poms. More like the gymnastics floor exercises or gymnastics without the balance beam and uneven bars. And I refuse to be one of those parents that pushes my horse fetish onto my kid. Either she’ll groove to it or she won’t - her choice. I want her to be active and healthy and if she had chosen soccer or something else, I’d shell out the $$ for that activity to rather than see her constantly sitting in front of the idiot box (television) or always have her nose in her computer/tablet. She does not yet have a phone. She is a straight A student but can be a bit airheaded/easily distracted at times and I think that is part of why she hasn’t enjoyed her lessons. She’ll be inside leg to outside rein, shoulders back, 20m circle and then SQUIRREL!!! :lol: She just kinda mentally checks out and I totally get it. But any discipline is going to require her to be more focused in order to succeed. She just may not be there yet athletically.

She hasn’t just been taking lessons and has done 5 schooling shows over the last couple of years coming in first or second each time. She has enjoyed those; just not getting the work done (seat/lesson time) part to get there. With my work schedule, unfortunately foxhunting is not an option and hunter paces only happen in the fall. I sent her off on a solo trail ride last night and she had a good time. It would however be wonderful if she would take the initiative and go ride without me having to instigate it. Yes, I am holding out hope that she won’t totally abandon the riding but the jury is still out. Riding with other kids hasn’t seemed to make any difference in her lackadaisical approach to riding and the horses.

#77

Read Megan Abbott’s Dare Me & share it with your kid when she’s older :yes:

(I actually listened to the audiobook read by Khristine Hvam)

#78

One of my (adult) students is in “Cheer” and has been for years. Very competitive and teambuilding. They went to “worlds” this year and had a blast! I think it is better than gymnastics as it is a team sport and you don’t have to be thin to look the part.

I have had students leave riding and then come back to it (as kids). I think it is a nice sport because that is possible. I hope you can keep the pony for her, and hopefully she can continue to enjoy horses on a fun level with you, even if not riding.

#79

Mine quit at the end of third grade and took it back up in 11th…to play polo. She really hated hunters, but loved polo. Her best friend quit at the same time and her mother was a riding instructor. She started riding again in high school and was on her college team. Give them time to discover who they are and explore other interests.

#80

[QUOTE=alto;7818896]
Read Megan Abbott’s Dare Me & share it with your kid when she’s older :yes:

(I actually listened to the audiobook read by Khristine Hvam)[/QUOTE] Thanks. I will check it out.

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