Daughter's next steps?

[Momateur]

My 12 year old daughter and I both ride. I wouldn’t say she has “the bug.” She enjoys the animals, but is not gung-ho about showing or moving up the levels. She rides 3x/week and has no desire to ride more. Fine by me! It’s her riding journey.

She’s currently half leasing a wonderful 21 year old horse for the short stirrup. Due to his age and past injuries, he’s limited to that height. It’s a great arrangement for everyone. Daughter is safe and having fun, horse isn’t over worked, and the half lease scenario saves me a ton of money.

Well, I was speaking with trainer yesterday. It sounds like she doesn’t want us to renew this lease. She would like to see daughter move up to the 2’6". (And she didn’t say this, but I sense she thinks it’s time for current horse to teach another youngster, or retire, or flatwork only, or…?).

There are no horses in the barn we can half lease for 2’6". I can’t wrap my brain around buying or full leasing something for DD to ride 2-3x/week.

I don’t want to pressure DD to ride more if that’s not her jam. But I also can’t justify buying/full leasing for her to ride part time. It feels like we are at a crossroads with her riding.

Advice or suggestions welcome.

[RileysMom]

Any reason why she can’t just take lessons 2-3x/week? At that level, I’m not sure why a lease is necessary. Your current arrangement sounds great, but to move up a bit can be accomplished by many lesson horses. It’s usually when people want to get above 2’ (and some barns may have 2’6” lesson horses) that they need more of an investment. If she’s at ss now, she’s got plenty of time to move up. Maybe your current barn doesn’t have this option? Not every barn has a solid string of lesson horses—might have to dig to find it. My barn (I own) has a small string of show quality lesson ponies and horses, all in very nice tack, very well taken care of. Any of them would be amazing personal horses. Perhaps find this type of barn?

[Momateur]

Unfortunately, the lesson horses (there are two) are reserved for beginners. Once you’re jumping and showing, you’re expected to lease, half lease, or purchase a horse. Otherwise, they politely ask you to find a new barn. My daughter loves this place because of her friends, but it may be time for hard decisions.

[trubandloki]

@Momateur

My 12 year old daughter and I both ride. I wouldn’t say she has “the bug.” She enjoys the animals, but is not gung-ho about showing or moving up the levels. She rides 3x/week and has no desire to ride more. Fine by me! It’s her riding journey.

She’s currently half leasing a wonderful 21 year old horse for the short stirrup. Due to his age and past injuries, he’s limited to that height. It’s a great arrangement for everyone. Daughter is safe and having fun, horse isn’t over worked, and the half lease scenario saves me a ton of money.

Well, I was speaking with trainer yesterday. It sounds like she doesn’t want us to renew this lease. She would like to see daughter move up to the 2’6". (And she didn’t say this, but I sense she thinks it’s time for current horse to teach another youngster, or retire, or flatwork only, or…?).

There are no horses in the barn we can half lease for 2’6". I can’t wrap my brain around buying or full leasing something for DD to ride 2-3x/week.

I don’t want to pressure DD to ride more if that’s not her jam. But I also can’t justify buying/full leasing for her to ride part time. It feels like we are at a crossroads with her riding.

Advice or suggestions welcome.

It sounds like you need to have a few conversations so you can make a decision using facts instead of things you are deducting.

Ask your daughter if she wants to move up or ride more. Maybe she only wants to ride 2-3x per week because it is boring right now, or maybe she does not want to ride that much but is afraid to say anything.

Ask the trainer/barn owner what their plan is. Mention that you got the impression they did not want to renew your lease on Dobbin. Do they maybe have another kid at the move-up level that also wants to half lease so bringing in a horse would work out great if your daughter and that child both wanted to half lease.

Do you ride at the same barn? Could you bring in something that you can ride and your daughter can ride?

[mmeqcenter]

First things first, you need to find out what your daughter wants to do. Move up, not move up, ride more, ride less. Once you have a definitive answer on that, you can figure out what to discuss with the trainer.
You’re absolutely right - it is not worth the expense to full lease or buy if your kid doesn’t actually want to do anything different.

[Horsegirl_s_Mom]

I agree. So many trainers assume that every kid wants to be on a steady trajectory of ever-bigger fences and more showing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a kid who wants to take a more low-key journey, perhaps staying in the Short Stirrup/Long Stirrup realm and even having fun with other things like hacking out, playing games with friends, etc.

Kids have so much stress and pressure to achieve in other areas of their life. Letting “barn time” just be fun can be very beneficial.

That said, I’m not sure what to suggest if the trainer’s not on board with that philosophy, and it’s disappointing if she is pressuring you to give up a lease your daughter enjoys.

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

I can understand the OP’s situation, because in my area, barns where kids can take lessons, hack out, and enjoy barn time with friends without owning a horse are virtually nonexistent. There are higher level show barns, and then kind of mid-tier show barns where there is an expectation to half-lease a horse, continue to progress up the levels (for showing purposes), and only one or two lesson horses that are used for beginners to take a walk-trot lesson on to see if they enjoy riding and develop very basic skills. The only other option is the sort of “lesson factory” type barns with group lessons, but there are downsides to those types of programs (on a very basic level, being one of many in an arena lesson, and no options to ride much outside of structured lessons). And often the care/horsemanship at those barns isn’t all that great because they aren’t that profitable (one reason they’re dying out).

It sounds like the main argument for staying at the current barn is that your daughter’s friends ride there, but if they are more into riding and showing than herself, that itself might cause other social tensions. Regardless, I agree the only thing to do is sit down with the trainer, see what the options are regarding half-leasing and lessoning, and discuss with your daughter about either moving forward with another horse or exploring another barn.

[Momateur]

@Impractical_Horsewoman

I can understand the OP’s situation, because in my area, barns where kids can take lessons, hack out, and enjoy barn time with friends without owning a horse are virtually nonexistent. There are higher level show barns, and then kind of mid-tier show barns where there is an expectation to half-lease a horse, continue to progress up the levels (for showing purposes), and only one or two lesson horses that are used for beginners to take a walk-trot lesson on to see if they enjoy riding and develop very basic skills. The only other option is the sort of “lesson factory” type barns with group lessons, but there are downsides to those types of programs (on a very basic level, being one of many in an arena lesson, and no options to ride much outside of structured lessons). And often the care/horsemanship at those barns isn’t all that great because they aren’t that profitable (one reason they’re dying out).

I couldn’t have stated it better. We must live in the same area!

[Momateur]

@Horsegirl_s_Mom

I agree. So many trainers assume that every kid wants to be on a steady trajectory of ever-bigger fences and more showing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a kid who wants to take a more low-key journey, perhaps staying in the Short Stirrup/Long Stirrup realm and even having fun with other things like hacking out, playing games with friends, etc.

My thoughts, too.

[Posting_Trot]

I totally agree that your first move is to talk with your daughter. You should have some options in mind, though, before talking with her about what might be possible. I’d talk to the daughter before having the discussion with the coach.

Would you have objections, or would it not be financially possible, for the daughter to bring in her own full-lease of a horse who is perhaps stepping down, who doesn’t need to be ridden 6 days a week or be in a program, and just let her ride 3x a week and maybe groom another 1 or 2x? (If that’s what she wants to do).

I think for a kid to have a horse that they ride and that they take care of, independent of the riding, is very beneficial. She can learn all kinds of things about horse-personship and responsibility.

But I very much respect your opinion that this is your daughter’s horse-journey.

[2DogsFarm]

@Horsegirl_s_Mom

If the trainer’s not on board with that philosophy, and it’s disappointing if she is pressuring you to give up a lease your daughter enjoys.

/
THIS is what came to my mind.
Do ask the trainer instead of assuming the reason for non-renewal of the lease.
But I agree with the poster who said to find out what your DD wants first.

[clanter]

@Momateur

My daughter loves this place because of her friends, but it may be time for hard decisions.

is her horse competitive or an equal footing as her friends’ mounts? if not that could be a reason of lack of great interest.

I am trying to remember about my daughters, both were horse kids, accomplished riders who rode multiple disciplines … but we had our horses at home which really is not an equal comparison to OP’s situation.

We did our best to provide them with competitive horses and opportunities to advance

Twelve is that age that doesn’t fit anywhere, to old to be little kid, too young to “old” kid… they really need something that they can feel they are a success in.

[paw]

Most important, to me, is whether she really wants to ride or if this is a social thing she’s doing to be with her friends and her mom. I had a friend whose daughter started to ride so Mom bought her a pony, but that (not the pony itself, but the responsibility and expectation) was just too much for the kid, and the barn stopped being a fun place for her. She was riding not so much because she wanted to do it, but that it was something that she could share with her mom.

So, have the talk, and keep in the back of your mind that she may be riding not because it’s what she loves to do, but because she loves that you have this thing in common.

Best of luck! But don’t let the trainer pressure you into pushing your daughter.

[hoopoe]

I agree with those saying to have a quiet talk. There have been very good thoughts about her place within the barn and in the sight of her friends . It is a hard age and hard to admit to jealousy, grief and that feeling of being different, left out or not as good

Is there an option of her branching out into different discipline (dressage?) or perhaps could she learn to be a good groom and top notch braider?

You need to ask her, without any judgement and try to understand what is in her heart. Give her permission to not ride or to explore another road. Give her permission to stay where she is at.

[Momateur]

Well, everyone, I spoke with my daughter. I tried my very hardest to present the options objectively. I will love her the same whether she rides more, less, or not at all! Unfortunately, her answer was “I don’t know.” Gotta love these preteen years. I’m giving her some time to think on it, but I do believe she needs to be an active participant in this decision. It would be wrong for the trainer or myself to choose for her.

I guess if the answer remains “I don’t know,” then mama needs to read between the lines and realize her heart isn’t in it (?). I wonder if a little break from riding would give her some time and space to evaluate what she wants? If the spirit moves her, she can always come to the barn and flat my old man gelding.

[trubandloki]

@Momateur

Well, everyone, I spoke with my daughter. I tried my very hardest to present the options objectively. I will love her the same whether she rides more, less, or not at all! Unfortunately, her answer was “I don’t know.” Gotta love these preteen years. I’m giving her some time to think on it, but I do believe she needs to be an active participant in this decision. It would be wrong for the trainer or myself to choose for her.

I guess if the answer remains “I don’t know,” then mama needs to read between the lines and realize her heart isn’t in it (?). I wonder if a little break from riding would give her some time and space to evaluate what she wants? If the spirit moves her, she can always come to the barn and flat my old man gelding.

I think your plan sounds marvelous!

I agree that “I don’t know” seems like an answer that means she is not very interested at all but giving her some time to think about it is perfect.

[IPEsq]

Also consider that she doesn’t have a ton of experience yet and you are asking whether she wants to have a new experience (new horse, possibly jumping bigger jumps) that she doesn’t know yet. She doesn’t know if she will have a great partnership or if doing more will be more fun. Or whether it will feel like work or be overwhelming. She’s still at a stage where steps up seem large at first. I wonder if there are any other horses she could sit on?

And then there are friend dynamics. How is she doing with her peers at this barn? If it’s not going great (pre-teen girls, ugh), then maybe that is getting in the way of how she feels about riding. Are there any older kids there who are mentoring her? I had that when I was learning to jump more solid fences, and it helped to have their support and also see their enthusiasm.

While it’s great she has a voice in this, you can’t eliminate all of the unknown for her unless you take a risk and move towards the next horse, new barn, or whatever the next step in her riding would need to be. And that could backfire if she then says no I’m not interested anymore. But also if you stop neither of you will know for sure if she would have gotten more interested without giving it a try.

Long post short, a lot of I don’t know is very reasonable from her perspective at this point.

[hoopoe]

this is an overwhelming time for every single person. I think you need to de-prioritize a change. Perhaps what she needs in life is ONE thing that she can count on staying the same. I know, for me, hearing about new rules, new restrictions, uncertain timelines and lack of clarity of what is going on next week, next month or next year makes decision making overwhelming.

[Spud_amp_Saf]

As someone who has taught a lot of kids in that age group, usually, at that age, if the kids are truly into the riding thing, if you suggest that they get their own horse or ride more, they are over the moon, and if you suggest that horsey activities get curtailed, you are ruining their life. Moreover, if they are going to lose their current ride, they are usually completely devastated at first and then super excited to move on to a new partner.

If they sort of like riding but aren’t passionate about it, or are doing it because they think they will upset or disappoint their parents if they don’t continue, you get the response you got from your daughter, OP.

I think it is great you aren’t pushing her and letting her decide. Maybe a break will let her miss horses a bit.

The only other thing I thought of is whether you have Pony Club or 4H in your area? Perhaps your daughter enjoys riding and the social aspect more than the idea of training seriously or competing?

[seriously1]

Did you speak to the trainer who runs the barn as well? Does a decision actually have to be made?
It sounded a bit, to me anyway, that she said something offhand - and she may also have more ideas for options.

It is wise to include your daughter in the decision. I will say that many people are struggling for various reasons these days and if she hasn’t thought of it, she wouldn’t know…I don’t know can mean many things. My kid often doesn’t know things when he asked questions because he becomes anxious about making the wrong decision.(without realizing that there is no wrong decision).
My other kid came to the barn with me for years. Rode, part boarded did different things. He was very clear that he had no desire to show or move up levels, he just wanted to relax and enjoy himself.

@hoopoe makes many excellent points. Confirm with trainer that a decision has to be made - if one doesn’t need making, then relax.