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Dealing with difficult parents

Not quite that simple, would need to ask them to remove tack from my tack room, get stuff back she’s borrows, a final invoice paid, etc… but I agree the out is now easier.

Just want to thank everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses, things to think about, and also for validating my lines of thought about this. I appreciate everyone!

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Keep track of their tack and that invoice, I smell a financial FY in the wind…

And stay firm, the parents want special dispensation, and I agree this is the first step toward backing into a corner. Arms length, professional and treat them like any fractious horse.

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Hold firm. If you give in on this, and the student does okay at the show, the parents will just push back every time you try to enforce the rule in the future. You do risk losing them as clients, but sounds like that won’t be a huge loss for you.

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I just have one question: is this policy of requiring XYZ lessons ahead of a competition (especially two in one week) industry standard in HJ world?

My roots were in HJ but I’ve been on the other side as an eventer/dressage rider for decades. I was genuinely surprised to read some of these responses.

My guess is the parents will vote with their feet over you standing your ground on this policy. So the problem may solve itself.

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100%. Perhaps they think they’re punishing you by trying to look as though they’re taking their business elsewhere. Little do they know they’ve essentially escorted themselves out of your lesson program! ETA: Tack is collateral to make sure invoice gets paid (but in nicer terms :wink: ).

Good riddance.

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Truthfully, unless you’re the only game in town, it sounds like they’re searching for alternative situations themselves based on that answer… or kid just isn’t committed to riding.
Are they leasing or own a horse at your barn?

Kid is definitely not committed. She likes the fun parts (jumping), horsemanship and care is lacking. I am not a full service program, I do some but my clients are heavily involved with their own horses.

I am not the only game in town and am happy for them to move elsewhere, however I don’t know another trainer that would tolerate some of the behavior (that I am now done tolerating). I do wish them the best and genuinely like the family/kid.

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I’d say that lesson expectations before a show are standard in the HJ world. Perhaps some programs are full service and owners show up to ride at the show (that’s not me), but for me lessons and maybe 1-2 training rides per week leading up to a show are an expectation that the pair is prepared, ready to show, and be safe (key!). Most other trainers I know have a policy (written or unwritten) about the commitment required to show even locally. I’m sure there are exceptions or other types of norms, but I’d say preparatory lessons especially in lower level programs are a general expectation.

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Beowulf, I come from eventer roots. If you weren’t lessoning, you were not going to the event. As most people in the eventing barn were experienced long term partnerships (own their own horse and paired with that horse for years), weekly lessons were typically considered sufficient. We were mostly adults so missing a lesson here or there due to life was OK. Very different from a kid lessoning.

I will say though, if we were going to a new venue or intending to move up, the school prior to the event was mandatory. If you could not be there (needing a day off work, 5+ hour round trip in our neck of the woods, plus course, coaching and trailering fees), you were not going. In my eyes, a more demanding ask than the two lessons required here.

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I’d say lessons before a show are standard. The quantity can vary somewhat. I try and get a couple of lessons a week regardless (one flat and one jumping for each horse). When I’m moving up a division or prepping for a big class or taking a new horse, I might add in additional day. We try to balance between not jumping a horse’s legs off before a show and making sure we’re prepared.

Thanks for the reply. Regular lessons seem standard from what I’ve seen as a competitor in both, what I was asking was more is two lessons the week of a show a standard policy in the H/J world? In the competition barns I’ve been present in most, if not all, had a contract in the boarding policy that boarders were required to take 3 lessons a month, which sufficiently covered the “regularly lessoning” prerequisite for showing. Do H/J barns have this requirement as well, and then this addendum on top of it?

Always interested in seeing how other disciplines operate. The H/J model as a whole interests me since we see it trickling over into event trainers as well.

Hopefully these clients solve the issue themselves by going elsewhere, making OP’s quandary a non-issue. It sounds like they are not a good fit for the OP’s program.

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Give the parents the names of other local barns with the explanation that these might be a better fit for their daughter. They don’t fit in with your programme, they can walk away. No skin off your nose.

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@beowulf, it has been years since I boarded at a hunter barn or had regular contact with someone who did hunter shows but my experience is that none required two lessons the week of the show. I do not think this is a hunter barn thing.

I do like that the OP has rules on who can show and what is required and I see nothing wrong with their two lessons requirement. I am glad to see that the OP has realized the problem here is this family, not their program.

Do be careful about the physical things this person has in their possession. I am betting you are unlikely to get those back.

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To me, the issue isn’t whether this is a good policy (although I think it is) but whether the OP should make an exception for the policy because the family went on vacation. Again, this isn’t a death in the family or something extraordinary and unavoidable. The parents know the policy, they just think they are above it.

I understand that some disciplines like eventing have more of a spotty relationship with coaches, because often people have coaching sporadically for multiple disciplines, or a dressage barn (I ride dressage) might as well, because the tests are familiar and there’s less hands-on coaching at the actual show. But “it is what it is” with H/J, and given how the shows and programs operate, it’s not surprising to have this kind of requirement before showing, especially many barns only allow jumping in lessons.

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Definitely not criticizing the policy. If that wasn’t clear, sorry. Sometimes tone over text is hard to convey, I hope OP and others don’t think I’m poking at them. I was just curious and trying to conceptualize what it was like for an average competitive HJ rider in a program. I agree with everyone that these people sound like a PITA and not a good fit for the program. I wouldn’t bend policy for them either.

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And the OP stated right up front that her clients are low-level riders, re-riders, timid ammies, etc. We’re not talking about juniors on the way to Big Eq or Pony Finals. I think the OP’s policies make an enormous amount of sense to protect her students and make sure they’re set up to have the best and safest shows possible.

And I also agree that this family is probably shopping barns right now with a sour-grapes attitude, which is for the best.

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I would emphasize the safety issue. That should be enough for any self-respecting parent, even if they don’t believe it. It also puts it on the parents: is this worth risking your kid’s safety because you want her to go to a horse show, for whatever reason? Parents like these couldn’t care less about the name of your program, so you need another approach. Shame. Going for safety shows them to be entitled and possibly irresponsible.

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@beowulf nope didn’t think you were poking at all, I understood the question :slight_smile: My whole goal is to make sure riders are prepared and safe to show and everyone’s time and money is well spent. If you can’t make 2 lessons per week consistently (of course life happens!) the 2-3 weeks before a show, and want to show up to just show, that’s not going to do it for me. Showing isn’t an entitlement and if folks want to show up at the show with no prep that’s fine but not something I want representing me and my program. In this case, I offered flexibility to get the rider more lessons to prepare, and that was met with anger instead of compromise. These folks are very entitled, always blaming others, it’s never their fault, and have not instilled in their daughter a sense of work ethic and now are blaming me for her inability to show instead of putting blame where it’s due, which is on their lack of commitment.

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I think you’re definitely doing the right thing sticking to your guns. They sound like they’re being petty about it all, which is really too bad. Document document document, just in case something goes really sour. Follow up every conversation with a text or email that reiterates what was established in the conversation to avoid any he-said-she-said nonsense. Hopefully they leave quickly and without making a huge fuss.

Ultimately you will be better off without them in your program. The last trainer I worked with has been in the game a long time and at this point, is pretty willing to fire clients who show up and create problems. I know of 3 cases in the last 2 years or so in which, after seeing the havoc they wreaked at other barns, she was very thankful she cut them loose. One situation ultimately ended in the owners surrendering FIVE horses to the BO after they were 6mo late on board.

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I think your approach is exactly right, OP! There are always reasons to relax some rules, in certain circumstances, but as you have explained this situation doesn’t fit.

I will say that there aren’t really any industry standards for lessons and showing, but I think most programs try to structure things so their horses and riders are successful. It’s really going to depend on a lot of different factors. For example, when I was a junior I always had green horses. When we first got them the norm was one training ride for the horse and one lesson for me, with flatwork the rest of the week, until the horse was sufficiently far enough along that we could dispense with the weekly training ride. At that point, whichever trainer was doing the green division on my horse would school it as necessary before a show, along with one pre-show lesson for me. For other juniors, who had made hunters, jumpers, eq. horses, the norm was something different, as it was for the ammies.

Right now I train with eventers but I generally do one lesson a week (which is part of our boarding agreement), and certainly do one before a show. Other people have a combination of training rides or extra lessons; because they are all eventers there is a lot of just (dressage) flatwork that is done every week along with the jumping. Sometimes my trainer will do a flatwork session on my jumper to install a new button or polish one I’ve been having trouble with, and so on. It’s all conditional on what is needed.

I was at a barn for a while that had two different trainers, and everyone who rode with the one who only taught kids never rode their horses or ponies outside of lessons. That was a little crazy to me, especially since the “lessons” were often more just meandering around and chatting than getting any actual work done. But, it seemed to be acceptable to those people!

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