From a client perspective, I wish more trainers/barn owners were like this. I know it’s hard and can be a financial hit but it’s wild how much one bad client can impact the energy and vibe of a barn. Bad clients scare off good clients… empty that stall and put someone in it who will contribute positively to the barn, even if that’s just by paying on time and following the rules.
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Slight confusion in the base of this scenario. Is the horse being ridden at all? Do they haul in or is the horse boarded. Does the rider come for hacking work?
That there is borrowing of supply and equipment tells me that they are pushing their boundary without serious commitment. Perhaps you are a bit too generous, as well.
I agree with others, regain your supplies and equipment and prepare to give them a list of places where they might be happier.
Lay out what is needed for her to participate in the next show on. After the last show, was their a review and understanding of what is needed to improve?
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100%
She’s pretty much the only game in town (on the english side of things anyway), which is definitely in her favor. But she never has an empty stall for long, and I think the overall culture of the barn definitely benefits from her ability (both financially and professionally) to say “Look, you’re not a good fit for my barn and I think you’d be happier somewhere else. Here are other barns in the area that might work better for you.”
Not to say that there’s never any drama, but what little that does occur is on the level of “Little Susie’s mom hung up fly traps that smell horrible as a ‘gift’ and I’m mildly annoyed now” and not “I have a lawsuit on my hands” level of drama. 
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You’re going to have to be firm. The rules are what they are and they seem like the kind of people if you cave this time there will be future times of them pushing more
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Agree completely. My trainer has a kid/family who sounds a lot like this one (except they have 2 kids- although I think one has now decided boys are better than horses) and I don’t understand why she hasn’t booted them. She could fill those stalls in a heartbeat. But she doesn’t like conflict. Sigh.
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Show them the gate. People like this are the proverbial rotten apples in the barrel. They will infect your entire barn with negativity. Wave goodbye.
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A key ingredient to success in the horse business is choosing clients carefully and wisely. Many trainers simply gently ease clients who are “not a good fit” out of their barns. These clients would include those who do not have a reasonable amount of commitment (which could vary greatly depending on the situation–an experienced adult amateur might meet their full service trainer at the shows), those who do not promptly pay their bills, and people who are reluctant to respect and follow your advice and training, or someone who is just really on a different page with regards to goals and expectations.
As a trainer, it’s your job and your prerogative to choose and build the identity/reputation of your program. I think it’s a great idea to emphasize that this is not about a “rule” but rather about what is fair to the horse, fair to rider, and safe for both. If there is a way to compromise reasonably, by all means compromise. But otherwise, as a trainer, it’s not your obligation to take people to shows who are poorly prepared and not going to reflect well upon you and your program.
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Do you really need this client to stay afloat? It really sounds like she and her family are raining on your otherwise lovely parade.
Nothing that you posted is unreasonable, and honestly, this has nothing to do with horses. You are a coach. You have clearly communicated the rules and reasoning. You have even made a special effort to help them comply. If they still want to break your rules, perhaps they’d be happier somewhere the rules are different.
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It is her horse. If she wants to show then tell her it is her responsibility to get her horse there and she will not be going as your student and is on her own?
If she falls on her face maybe she will fall in line better with your program( along with her parents)…
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This kind of autonomy is practically verboten in H/J circles. Even if you own a truck and trailer, you’re generally expected to truck in with the trainer in their trailer (and pay the fee to do so), school with the trainer at shows, etc.
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Even if this wasn’t nigh on verboten, as Beowulf mentioned, other people at the show would watch that train wreck and wonder why OP wasn’t helping their student who rides at her barn. They wouldn’t be privy to the reasons why these people were at the show alone and frankly, it would be unprofessional for OP to spread that around anyways. At the end of the day, it would still reflect very poorly on OP and I can completely understand why she wouldn’t want to invite that kind of criticism.
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I know lots of hunter riders with their own trailer who truck their own horse(s) to horse shows.
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Same. But I do think it depends a bit on your area. The area I grew up in, it absolutely was not a thing.
Where I am now, people truck their own horses into our rated circuit all the time. It’s common for ammys to do a lot themselves in my area, including show without a trainer. So perhaps Beowulf comes from an area where it is extremely uncommon.
I did it all the time.
Obviously no one can forbid the kid from taking herself to the horseshow, so whether the OP wants to prevent the kid from taking herself or not is a non-question.
I’m with the OP on sticking to her guns and saying “You can’t come with the farm, though.” Honestly if they can’t drive the kid but need to make a lesson minimum can they not just put her in an Uber, then?
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That’s why I said generally to make it obvious that there are some exceptions.
Its not the norm here in seriously competitive barns, since it’s a topic that comes up quite often in some of our area-appropriate FB pages (how much to charge per student, student took their own trailer how do I charge them, etc). These are big barns that regularly show up and down the east coast. You go with your trainer, you do not go by yourself.
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This family doesn’t have a truck and trailer so they couldn’t get themselves to the show if they wanted to. I have other clients who haul themselves that’s not an issue for me, for shows I typically fill my trailer and another client with a trailer takes the rest.
To answer a few questions up thread, I don’t particularly need their $, I’d rather have mental peace and be done with drama. They own the horse and board it where I have my program. However, I am at a barn with several other trainers (one dressage and two western-type, and there’s no requirement to be with a barn trainer), so family could in theory stay at my barn and lesson with no one. That’s not ideal, I’m going to attempt to steer them to another program.
I appreciate and agree with the comments about cultivating the client base you want, and not putting up with the rest. Kid/family have not left a positive vibe with the rest of my crew, there has been a lot of grace extended, and now it’s time to preserve the great stuff and people I genuinely want to pour time and energy in to.
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They want to find someone else to work with? Great. They’re not a fit for you. Wish them well and say adieu. Not every program is for every client and vice versa. Don’t waste a minute more thinking about it.
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Exactly this. Beyond this current situation, it sounds like these clients are difficult and emotionally taxing for you to deal with. I’d politely show them the door and move them along. In the long term you’ll thank yourself.
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I had no idea riders were required to have a " trainer" to show? Wasn’t that way when I knew it but then what hasn’t changed.
@Mander Why would the OP say anything to anyone else ( as you say " spread it around" )?
Does everyone know “who” belongs to “who” that they would really care?
If this student isn’t capable of riding her horse in a class without her trainer instructing her every minute, I wonder if she is ready to show.
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In effect that is what I was saying.
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