Dealing with Giving up a Dream

[westernewilde]

How do you deal with giving up a dream?
For context: I have a four year old mare who I’ve been working with since she was a yearling. I’m the only one who’s ridden her, only one who’s trained her, and most importantly, she’s only been handled with love, patience, gentleness, and firmness. No yelling, no hitting, no anger. She is my baby. A smart, wonderful little mare who suits me and personality to a T and has been the reason I’ve been able to overcome my horse related trauma. She got injured last year and was finally cleared for rehabbing into full time work a couple months ago. And now, I have a full time job that requires me to be on my feet for more than 8 hours a day, I come home exhausted to the point of being barely capable of doing chores. She misses me, I miss her. But I can’t work with her due to exhaustion, being sick from stress, and on top of it all, an unexpected pregnancy. I can still ride and work with horses but it still makes me more careful what I do. My husband finally told me he was going to start riding her because I’m not. I can’t bear to watch him with her. He’s the opposite of me with horses almost. More overbearing and harsh. Not cruel or abusive but he has a tendency to confuse horses not create clarity for them. And if they don’t understand his cues, he loses patience. And I’m watching my dreams go down the drain. I had plans to start her in cutting cows, she’s built and bred for it. I had wanted to get her calm and confident every way possible. I had wanted to teach her tricks and basic liberty. I had wanted to do mini endurance rides with her (she has insane stamina). I had wanted her to be my children’s first ride. I had wanted to be able to use her for children’s therapy as she responded so well with my troubled step-niece. I had SO MANY DREAMS. But with my husband working with her, none of that is possible. He’s so hard on horses and I’m so scared he’ll ruin her. She’s too sensitive for a rider like him. And it hurt so bad the last time he rode her- she kept looking for me and when she would see me, her ears would go up and she would look so eager and happy and then he would cue her and she would just drop her head and look so sad.

My husband is a decent rider, he’s just one of those old fashioned types where man dominates the horse instead of creating a partnership. It’s the way he was raised and he has come a long way from what he was like with horses when we first met. I don’t want to hear anything negative about him. He’s doing his best and improving constantly. He’s just having to undo 25 years of that sort of thinking. Please don’t bash him. And I understand his mindset- he doesn’t want a horse with potential to be sitting as a pasture ornament. It just makes me feel so guilty to see him riding her when IT SHOULD BE ME continuing her training the same way I started it. But my dreams are given up. I’m too tired to ride, too tired to even go out and spend time with her. But how do I move past this?? I feel so guilty.

[Bristol_Bay]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My response is not going to be in depth at all, but as a former teacher who spent days on my feet, I can only suggest you invest in really supportive shoes (running shoes are best) and wear compression knee socks. You may find that you are not as exhausted as you were. Just sharing something that helped me.

I know your pregnancy complicates things, but maybe three rides a week and a little ground work on the other days might be enough to keep your husband at bay.

I wish you the best. If you can lay a good foundation before the baby comes, she’ll be fine. Horses don’t forget.

[4horses]

I would probably just try talking to your hubby that she is your horse and you want to train and ride her after the baby comes and not have him train her for himself. She can sit for a year and still be there when you are ready.

I had a friend who loved one of my horses and she passed on buying because she knew her husband was the same way. Too rough. I know it hurt her to walk away…

Alternatively you can sell. Thats not wrong either. But don’t sell if you are going to feel regretful for years down the road.

Maybe pick weekends and work the mare every weekend. Or first thing in the morning. One of my friends gets up at 5:30am every day and goes riding every morning. Otherwise she does not have time to ride.

[Edre]

Horses don’t care about their potential: it is human arrogance and ego that introduce “potential” and “talent” and “goals” and “dreams”.

Your mare is four. Turn her out to pasture for a year. If at all possible, find her a situation where she can live outside 24/7. If you need to argue for the benefits, you can point out that it helps them develop the ability to think through things on their own and helps with sure footedness. Since it sounds like she’s coming off an injury in the past, there’s even more room to argue that physiologically, extended turnout could help her develop herself/her own fitness.

If you cannot honestly tell your husband “I do not want you to ride her, I know the type of horse you produce and I have different goals for her” and have a subsequent productive conversation (where you are advocating both for yourself, and your horse) then I question your marriage more than just the horse thing. Your husband “doesn’t want a horse with potential to be sitting as a pasture ornament” Why? Why does he care? This is your horse and this is your dream. You can of course, have that conversation in a much less loaded fashion (“I do not want someone else putting miles on her, I will resume her training after the baby comes” - but you will still have to present an argument for “the talented horse is being a pasture pet”).

Turn the horse out for a year at a place with a good reputation, and then come back when you are at a better point in life where you can better manage the realities/time constraints of training.

Point blank:
If you do not like the type of horse your husband will produce, do not let him ride your horse.
It’s that easy. Extended turn-out is an option. Committing to 2-3 in-hand sessions a week might be harder, but that’s another option. It might be challenging but you could also try to connect with someone whose horsemanship does align with yours and let them work with her - if the argument is “this mare must be in work”, at that point it falls to you to find someone to work with her who you can tolerate, if you are unable to do so.

[Calvincrowe]

Tell your husband to stop. Your mare will still be there in a few months. Your base training will still be there. Or find someone professional who shares your philosophy and send her out for a bit. But really, talk to your husband about this situation.

[Bristol_Bay]

Do you keep your horse at home?

Will this be your first child?

[Bonnie2]

Maybe you could find a place to turn her out so she won’t take up your husband’s valuable time? She won’t be worse off in the long run with a year off.

[westernewilde]

Yes and yes

[westernewilde]

The point I forgot to mention is that she needs to be in work. When she was cleared for rehab and work, we were told that with the type of injury she had, she needs to be kept elastic and supple and muscled up for her to be sound in the long run. This includes groundwork, stretches, and dedicated riding. And of course she wants to work too. She loves being put to work!

[FjordBCRF]

Can you work with her BEFORE you start your job for the day and before you’re spent from it?

[westernewilde]

I don’t want her sitting for another year either. I know I need to sort out this situation so that she can be used.
Thanks for questioning my marriage;) I was raised to do everything it takes to avoid any kind of difficult and potentially confrontational conversations (not that it would be confrontational with my hubby) when there are differing viewpoints, so I get major anxiety even thinking about talking about something like this. I know I shouldn’t and it’s something I have worked on throughout our marriage. Still doesn’t get easier!

[westernewilde]

Unfortunately no. I’m gone from 5:30a to 3p.

[westernewilde]

Thank you for this reply! I’ve made the decision to drop down to four days at work instead of five. That’ll give me three days to hopefully have the energy to work with her and maybe a couple evenings during my work days to just do ground work.

[westernewilde]

Thanks to everyone for letting me rant and release some of my stress on here! Your replies have been encouraging and supportive and I think I’ll tell my husband to just let me work with her on my own time.

[tabula_rashah]

If she’s your horse, can’t you just say don’t ride her? My DH and I wouldn’t even drive each other’s vehicles without asking. Find somewhere with a big field and turn her out until you’re ready to work her again. 4 is too young to be in hard work anyway. You say she needs to be kept exercised but honestly she can do that just fine on her own if she’s a got field, a herd and especially some good hills

[westernewilde]

We’ve tried that for the past couple months. She was just out in pasture. She got so tight where her injury was (hindquarters) that it took a ton of effort for me to release that tension using stretches and in hand exercises. So no, she can’t be turned out without any dedicated rehab. And I’m following my medical marching orders;) if the rehab specialist, vet, and the rest of the great team say she needs to be kept muscled up and in work, I trust what they say.
Also, full time work doesn’t equate hard work in my books. Full time is riding five or so days a week doing basic w/t/c, stops, turns, reinforcing leg cues and hand cues. Hard work would be putting her into cutting horse training where she’s twisting and turning and exerting herself to the utmost every session. We’re not at that point and won’t be for another year at least.

[FjordBCRF]

@westernewilde

Unfortunately no. I’m gone from 5:30a to 3p.

If it were me; I’d come home, take a nap, eat some dinner, and then go work with the horse.

[westernewilde]

Most days I’m so worn out from work that I nap until 6. But I’m going to try to do better on that. Thanks for the encouragement!

[FjordBCRF]

So I’m in my early 40’s and have lived my life with multiple chronic illnesses. Before they were being successfully managed which wasn’t until a couple years ago, I HAD to nap. I would nap on my lunch breaks sometimes, and after work most days. When I was going to ride at my friends place directly after work, I would nap in my car if I beat her home.

Let yourself nap, but don’t let yourself waste your entire evening after if you can help it. Been there done that. Unless I was really in rough shape that day, I was always much happier that I pushed myself to go to the barn and the sheer act of being at the barn helped a lot of that fatigue melt away.

[westernewilde]

Oh goodness I needed this! Thank you!!