Dealing with Giving up a Dream

[Pennywell_Bay]

Ok- no marriage advice here. But girl- you are pregnant and entitled to all the feelings. (entitled to them regardless but helloooooo preg hormones).

eh- can you talk to hubby in a “my emotional state just.cant.handle you riding my horse right now”? Phrased in a different way of - it is not you, it is me may help?

In any case, you are not giving up the dream, you are postponing it or let the dream change. My dream has always been floating around on a ground skimming, beautiful, picture perfect hunter back at the 3’6. I ended up with a jumper who I event and trust me- he is no beauty and the only floating is my butt a foot out of the saddle when he launches over the jumps.

Also- I keep mine at home and good lord… some days I just can’t get out right after work. So agree with the above poster- stop pushing yourself. Get home, put those swollen sausage feet up and chill. Waddle out to the barn when you feel like it. If it is safe for you to ride, do it. If not- do ground work and get the horse working with you to keep that connection. Thursday I just wasn’t feeling it. Got on bareback (do not recomend bc you are preg, just to be clear) and walked around. My friends were out having lessons and “working”. Eh. My dream is to have fun on my horse…

It is OK for dreams to change or push them back. Good luck.

[NancyM]

Send your husband out horse shopping for a horse for himself. A horse better suited to what he wants to do with a horse. Don’t let differences in riding and training methods get in the way of your marriage. Good luck!

[Ajierene]

@FjordBCRF

If it were me; I’d come home, take a nap, eat some dinner, and then go work with the horse.

I agree with this with a caveat - depends on where the horses are and personality. For me, horses are enjoyable enough and I am not tired enough after work to not be able to go home, nap, then go out. Now if I’m tired, I will sometimes go out without a plan - like I will pet my ponies nose. Of course once I get out there I may as well make the best of my time and we end up riding.

If I am really tired or if the activity is something like running, then it is different. Going to the barn after a long, tiring day - if horses are at home, come home, change, go to ponies. Horses elsewhere, change at barn. Running? doesn’t matter, gotta not sit down, gotta change, gotta go out right away otherwise the couch just sucks me in and I can’t leave…I swear…it’s my couch’s fault!

All that being said - you aren’t giving up a dream, you are altering it. The road we call life is not a straight path, it is a widing one with may intersections, some are more planned (like deciding to get married) some come up on us quick (like horse injury+unexpected pregnancy). There is not right or wrong turn, just different ones. So, pivot, maybe this road will lead you back to the original path. Maybe it will lead you to a better path. Maybe the path will be just different.

Just to give you an example of how life can take you on unexpected roads:

When I was in high school I thought I was going to the Olympics as a jumper. Not nearly enough money

I also thought I wanted to train horses for a living. It was hard getting into it and then I broke my ankle and essentially lost all my horse jobs.

Then I got into eventing and wanted to do a Training level 3 day. Lack of money/time/horse and now lack of desire to do all that prep.

Now I’m not sure - Going to a horse trials has just seemed like SO MUCH WORK (like the actual packing up the trailer and spending all day at a show) and paying 3 weeks in advance…not sure if life is just stressful now and I will feel better later but it just seems like so much. I’m thinking of pivoting a little and working towards my Bronze in dressage while still attending some local, unrecognized horse trials.

I mean, I specifically did not enter two horse trials earlier this month because I was getting ready to be gone for 7 weeks in a class. I was supposed to go away next week and just found out due to some issue way above my pay grade, I am no longer in that class…ok, pivot again, do I want to try for the show at the end of Aug?

Did I give up on my Olympic dream? No, I just changed my goals.

[Dr_Doolittle]

THIS!

Also, I had a thought - the first trimester brings a lot of fatigue with it for some reason (or at least it did in my case!), so that might be factoring in.

The second trimester is much better - most women feel great!, you’re not too big yet and the morning sickness goes away (if you have it), there is usually a good burst of energy and your hormones kick in but in a good way

IF you can nap (and get off your feet) after work, that might help; you will still be able to do groundwork and bodywork and stretching and suppling (I do and have done all of this with my homebred on the regular - and I’m 68 with a lot of pain issues, but still riding and competing.)

You DO have agency because this is your mare, yes? You’ve received lots of good advice here - and @NancyM - Ha, yeah! If your DH is SO gung-ho to ride, give him another outlet for it - and convince him that Ms Mare will be fine if you are able to continue with your “PT” - she doesn’t need to be ridden.

Finally, she’s only 4. You have plenty of time! There is no “timetable” for horses - they have zero competitive aspirations.

Good luck!

[westernewilde]

Oh he has his own. One that is suited perfectly to him. But he can’t fill his spare time with one horse! But we are shopping for more, can’t ever have too many!

[westernewilde]

Thanks again everyone! You all are sooo encouraging and kind!! You’ve all given me the inspiration to not let my fatigue control me but instead at least get outside and do the basics and bond with my mare!!
Sometimes I just love the horse people from around the world!

[ParadoxFarm]

@westernewilde

Thanks again everyone! You all are sooo encouraging and kind!! You’ve all given me the inspiration to not let my fatigue control me but instead at least get outside and do the basics and bond with my mare!!

Sometimes the hardest thing is just starting – getting out and doing it. I bet once you are there, you will find the energy to keep going. Just tell yourself, I’m going out for ten minutes. Do the ten, and reassess. Good luck!

[PaddockWood]

I"m so sorry - your situation sounds so hard and many of us have been there. I just got launched (lawn darted) by my newly started mustang and it feels like my dream fades too. The sucker that bought yet another horse that wasn’t going under saddle because I’m too optimistic. He’s got a big buck. I work FT and find it all overwhelming. And now bruised ribs and can barely do my barn work or get out of bed.

You have to stop your husband from working with her. Period. Don’t let it continue. You’ll have regrets. Find the words.

There must be a way OR you wait a bit and you can still get there later. Have someone else come over and work with her that you trust.

Never.give.up.

[Bristol_Bay]

@westernewilde

Most days I’m so worn out from work that I nap until 6. But I’m going to try to do better on that. Thanks for the encouragement!

Set your alarm for twenty minutes. That’s enough for a reset.

Then just show up at the barn. Tell yourself you don’t have to tack up and ride, just show up and start grooming. I bet you the motivation will come.

[OverandOnward]

This is one opinion that is not what you want, OP, but …

Not ‘giving up’ – postponing. It’s good to use our language in our own best interests.

Something that would be huge with me is that, because of all of the background and context, this horse is a source of stress between you and your husband that neither of you needs right now.

Especially with a new human on the way to take over your lives. Which should be the real focus for both of you. IMO, right now is not the time to try remake the world for your family horses. That can happen later.

Sell the mare to a suitable new home. Horse stress relieved, nothing more for you & your husband to pull at each other over, now, later in pregnancy, after birth, and so on. Attention returned to pregnancy, new baby and your family life.

Make a plan for a horse future when it is the right time for you. I know, things are never perfect as a time for a horse. But right now the horse is a distraction to your best life, rather than an enhancement. That will change later on (yes maybe a year or two).

Your body is putting all its energies towards creating a whole new human being. It is OK to be tired. It is OK to rest. It is OK to cut back on everything.

OP, I suspect that you work hard and extend yourself to answer every call the right way – your husband, your horse, your new baby, probably some other people and concerns as well, and somewhere down the list, yourself.

But you don’t have to carry the entire load in every circumstance. It is ok to pull in a bit and redirect the focus to the truly most important thing for you right now – and frankly/honestly, that isn’t a horse. Any horse.

Not for nothing, the last month of pregnancy can be utterly exhausting for many women.

Then there is the full-on attention to the new baby, and the new version of your family.

Making temporary adjustments to the horse problem right now, just for the next 6 months or so, but keeping the horse, is just delaying the horse problem that is still there as you are trying to settle in with the new realities that are coming after the birth.

Re-balance your load, in your best interests and best life. At a later time you can conquer the rest of the world, as I know you will.

Just imo. All the best and congrats on the new family member!

[MunchingonHay]

@westernewilde

I had wanted to teach her tricks and basic liberty.

You can still ride and work at liberty while with child and while baby is little sleeping in a pack -n- play just outside of the arena/ring.

Teach the mare to ground drive and then on to proper driving so when baby comes you can go out as a family together. (my mom used to strap my car seat to the little jog cart floor boards that she had for our pony… don’t do that… its dangerous. )

[2DogsFarm]

@westernewilde

he doesn’t want a horse with potential to be sitting as a pasture ornament.

Do you both understand a horse doesn’t necessarily lose potential if they get a break from training?
With your pregnancy & hormones that might be out of whack, your Dream might need to take a break as well.
Could you both agree mare can take a break until your baby is integrated into your routine Life?

[beowulf]

Send her to a trainer or rehab facility. This situation is exactly what they are for. I am reading from your posts this is about control for you; a good trainer can continue the work you’ve started.

[Annie10]

You might have to pull out the heavy artillery for this one.
Honey I appreciate so much that you want to ride poopsie. But I really don’t want you to because she’s my special project and I really want to do it myself and on and on and on and I’m
Pregnant and etc etc and then start crying. A lot.
If he’s like most men he will then feel like a complete a hole for upsetting his pregnant wife so much and leave it alone .

And you can still do ground work and all the other things you mentioned even if you don’t ride

[ParadoxFarm]

@Annie10

Pregnant and etc etc and then start crying. A lot.
If he’s like most men he will then feel like a complete a hole for upsetting his pregnant wife so much and leave it alone .

Manipulating a spouse with fake tears to get one’s way is not, in my opinion, the recipe for a good marriage. Good communication is better in my opinion, hard as it may be.

[rulex]

@westernewilde

I come home exhausted to the point of being barely capable of doing chores

@westernewilde

But he can’t fill his spare time with one horse!

Maybe he can fill that spare time with some of those chores?

[RMJacobs]

@Dr_Doolittle

Also, I had a thought - the first trimester brings a lot of fatigue with it for some reason (or at least it did in my case!), so that might be factoring in.

That was the case for me, too. In my second trimester (and third before I got to be whale size), I felt like I could leap tall buildings in a single bound. And that was while working a high stress, long hours job.

[Annie10]

While I’m
Inclined to agree sometimes you do what it takes.
If communication were what it should be this thread wouldn’t be here.

[westernewilde]

Thanks for the criticism! Communication isn’t my strong point specially how I was raised as I mentioned previously. But I’m working on it! We haven’t been married too long so we’re both still learning too! In case you’re not aware, no one is perfect…

[Annie10]

@westernewilde

Thanks for the criticism! Communication isn’t my strong point specially how I was raised as I mentioned previously. But I’m working on it! We haven’t been married too long so we’re both still learning too! In case you’re not aware, no one is perfect…

I’m not criticizing you. I’m sorry it seemed that way.