Better yet, why do you crawl up on your belly, inches at a time, till you get to DH’s beard and then go into orgies of biting his chin and chewing on his beard and stuffing your head under his chin - why?
Looking for leftover crumbs?? :lol:
Dear Cat:
We have a large bed. Why is it that you HAVE to crowd next to me in the 2 inch space between where I sleep and the edge of the mattress? Can’t you go on the other side where there’s more room? And then you have the nerve to fuss at me if I accidentally roll over and knock you off the bed? Jerk! 
Dear Cat:
Why do you always have to lay across my ankles? Can’t you lay in my lap? Or up against my leg? That can’t be comfy.
Dear Cat:
Why do you always have to lay across my ankles? Can’t you lay in my lap? Or up against my leg? That can’t be comfy.
Dear Cat #1: Why do you insist on twining yourself through my legs as soon as I get out of bed and am barely conscious? You know that I will step on you! It happens every morning.
Dear Cat #2: You give me very little quality time. Why does it all have to be spent with you on the bathroom counter, rubbing yourself against me while I’m trying to brush my teeth or put make up on?
Dear Cat #3: I have had you since you were 6 weeks old. Have I EVER hit you? Why do you always act like I’m about to smack you on the head for the first 10 seconds when I try to pet you?
Dear Cat #4: Why do your litter box quality levels change? Why is it that sometimes you will turn your nose up at a perfectly clean litterbox and pee in front of it and other times you are happy to pee in the box that is overdue to be scooped? I just don’t get it!
Dear Cat:
What makes you curl up so nicely on the bed and then decide to BITE me with no provocation? You hadn’t done it in over a month and I was hoping you’d stopped.
Then last night, when I was watching the baseball game and you were three feet away, you hurled yourself at me to chomp my arm HARD. WTF? Not a baseball fan?
I can take all your other little quirky habits, but this one I DO NOT LIKE.
WHY?
[QUOTE=skyy;7788539]
Dear Cat #3: I have had you since you were 6 weeks old. Have I EVER hit you? Why do you always act like I’m about to smack you on the head for the first 10 seconds when I try to pet you?[/QUOTE]
Our cat does that too. And she panics and tries to run when you make a move to pick her up. My husband’s standard response is “Has anyone EVER hurt you?”
Seriously. I remember the first time I ever accidentally stepped on her sister’s tail. I didn’t do it hard, but she had likely never in her life felt actual pain. Must be nice to live such a sheltered life.
Dear Cat
youre one of SEVEN. one of 5 kittens…you were born here. You still have your littermates…but prefer to hang out with your dad. Everyone else treats the resident humans like part of the pride, except YOU. You act like we are gonna kill you if we look straight at you. So we don’t. Sigh…We MAY NOT TOUCH you unless we ask first and are very light and …two strokes then your outa here. I should feel honored to be able to touch your exaltedness. You sneak by us like its the end of the world to get to that really special spot near the fireplace I made…specially for you. then glare at me if I look your way…ya I GET IT your being invisible.
The only time you have any use for us is when you need food…then you have the loudest most insistent voice I have ever heard. And from the tinest of cat bodies. Your wish is my command.
I stick up for you when the others pick on you… if looks could kill I would be burnt to a crisp, as you stalk away in a huff.
Never mind…there are 6 others who think I am worthy of purrs…just show up in the kitchen occasionally so I know your ok?
Dear cat: Why must you take your morning constitutional while I am in the shower? I appreciate that you recognize the perfect storm of your organic deposit + humidity + my incapacitation. You even made me complain on a public bulletin board. Well done.
Dear cat,
Can you really not see the kibble when it’s around the edges of the bowl? Why does a bowl with a bare spot in the center equal “empty bowl” in your eyes? Do you know that sometimes I pick it up, pile the kibble back in the center, and put it back down? I’m guessing the answer to the last question is no, because you fall for it.
Dear cat,
What is the motivation for the lick across the bridge of my nose in the middle of the night? Is it love you just can’t wait to express? Do I suddenly need cleaning? Or do you just enjoy waking me up? You know I’m not at my best when this happens, and it never has resulted in an extra meal.
Dear cat,
Do your nose and taste buds lie to one another? That’s the only explanation I can think of when you absolutely must have something on my plate, then leave it uneaten on the floor once I break down and give it to you. I realize this again could be part of your sense of humor, because you know I will step on it.
[QUOTE=tbchick84;7787546]
How is it you do not burst into flames sleeping that close to the wood stove?[/QUOTE]
I can answer this scientifically. Cats actually burn energy at our comfortable temperatures in order to keep warm unlike dogs. So what is hot to you is actually very normal to a cat as they don’t have to use any energy to get up to their temperature range. Only confirming that they are evil =)
Dear Cat ``` I mean Cats I LOVE YOU !!!
[B]
Dear cats … I mean CATS !!!
[/B][B]inspite of some ‘behaviors’ … just saying :lol:
I LOVE all you cats !!! thank you guys and gals for ‘decorating’ my life :D[/B]
Dear Cat:
Why must you walk across me to get where you’re going… no matter where you’re going. Does the bed not have three open sides?
[QUOTE=macmtn;7789086]
Dear Cat
youre one of SEVEN. one of 5 kittens…you were born here. You still have your littermates…but prefer to hang out with your dad. Everyone else treats the resident humans like part of the pride, except YOU. You act like we are gonna kill you if we look straight at you. So we don’t. Sigh…We MAY NOT TOUCH you unless we ask first and are very light and …two strokes then your outa here. I should feel honored to be able to touch your exaltedness. You sneak by us like its the end of the world to get to that really special spot near the fireplace I made…specially for you. then glare at me if I look your way…ya I GET IT your being invisible.
The only time you have any use for us is when you need food…then you have the loudest most insistent voice I have ever heard. And from the tinest of cat bodies. Your wish is my command.
I stick up for you when the others pick on you… if looks could kill I would be burnt to a crisp, as you stalk away in a huff.
Never mind…there are 6 others who think I am worthy of purrs…just show up in the kitchen occasionally so I know your ok?[/QUOTE]
macmtn, have you ever read Doreen Tovey’s book, Cats in the Belfry? She writes about her three Siamese in 1950s in England, and the constant sacrifices/embarassments she and her husband endure because of them. Hysterical! Your post sounds like it came right from the pages of this book.
The part about Solomon deciding to become a horse is not to be missed!
Dear Cat: Why must you thieve my stuff? You have your own stuff. It’s not my fault you keep shoving it under the stove.
Dear Cat: I know you are not deaf and you are definitely not stupid. Why is it then that you cannot STAY OUT OF THE BLINDS???!!
Dear Cat: My grandfather used to tell me “tables are for glasses, not a$$es”. This goes for paws too.
Originally posted by JoZ:
Dear cat,
Can you really not see the kibble when it’s around the edges of the bowl? Why does a bowl with a bare spot in the center equal “empty bowl” in your eyes? Do you know that sometimes I pick it up, pile the kibble back in the center, and put it back down? I’m guessing the answer to the last question is no, because you fall for it.
:lol: :lol: Thanks, I needed that!
P.S. to chestnutmarebeware: I love all of Doreen Tovey’s books! Nice to find another Doreen Tovey fan here!
Dear Cat #1 - why is it that you insist upon laying on down directly on my face every night at around 3am? There really isn’t anything better than suffocating via cat fur!
Dear Cat #2 - listen…I am the one that let your skinny ass into the house that cold morning. I am the one that feeds you. I am the one that cleans your box just so. I am the one that works all week long just to make sure you have all the things you like. Could you, just once, act like you actually like me?! You see how happy the other 3 get when I am around - obviously they figured out a long time ago that the Food Lady is AWESOME. Come ON!
Cat #3 - Dude. Seriously. Do you have to supervise EVERYTHING that goes on in this house? And, why on earth can you not make your mind about being in the garage?! Either you want to go out there and explore or you don’t…it’s an easy decision. Just decide and then stick with it!
Cat #4 - you have the entire house in which to puke up your non-digested tube of food. Did you really have to do it on my bed? Really?!
Dear Cat 1: Why must you parade around with my (CLEAN) bras and panties in your mouth? I’m tired of having to hunt for my unmentionables or worse, chase you down for them.
Dear Cat 2: Why are you so skitzy?? We’ve never hurt you, or attempted to hurt you. Clearly you are not afraid of us when you yowl for your food incessantly at the ass crack of dawn, but yet you flee the second either of us so much as looks in your direction any other time. What is that!?
Also - I’m pretty that you’ve been pooping in the litter box your whole life. It’s extremely annoying to have to pick up a trail of poop because you’ve skyrocketed across the room at the sound of your own poop hitting the litter. One day, can you try not being afraid of that?! Please?!
Dear Barn Cat:
Why do you bring your catch in and lay it in front of the pony’s stall? The pony doesn’t care if you caught a fat rat.
Better yet: Dear Pony, why do you not show proper appreciation to the barn cat for killing the rat that ate your oats?
Dear Cait Sidhe and Elvis. I don’t mind when you guys park your fat butts in my lap while I’m playing Bubble Witch but do you have to bump my hand every time I’m about to complete a level and make me miss my shot?
Dear Zoe: There is nothing in my closet that you haven’t seen before. Why do you run in there every time I open the door.
Dear Katy: Please stop picking on Minerva. She’s only half your size.
Dear Minerva: Stop being such a fraidy cat and stand up to Katy.
