Dear Pocket Trainer:

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Informed Pessimist!

You have cleverly hit upon a snag with any quality GPS system! We here at Pocket Trainer have dedicated staff working on solutions as wide ranging as a teeny tiny satellite whirring around the indoor arena to a system of refractive mirrors strategically spaced to bounce whatever it is that GPS systems need bounced (we leave the technical stuff to the technical people). Curently we are leaning towards the mirrors, as they may serve double duty with optimized glare at just the right momeny. As in the moment your competitor opts for that tight turn to the triple combination…

But truly, we thought that this advance needed to be available to the public, even with the indoor limitations. Such a small portion of one’s quality shows occur indoors, so why skip all the Wellington and Lake Placid fun? Not to mention the Outdoors National! It just seemed unfair to deny our faithful customers this opportunity. I’m sure you can understand…

At any rate, Pocket Trainer always recommends a 2001 Toad Hollow Merlot when contemplating what flowers to send to a fellow competitor mysteriously stricken by a ill timed glare…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Midge]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Pocket Trainer:
Dear Time for a Change!
We eagerly await your bank routing numbers before we ship this upgrade and thought you might like to know that Ms. Midge’s check arrived yesterday.

Pocket Trainer recommends a hearty belt of 25 year old Whiskey when one realizes one’s partner in misery (Midge) is about to get those lead changes…<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Dear Pocket Trainer, Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the lovely lead changes this week-end and the championship! I did not, however, realize the lead changes came attached to a new horse! I AM rather attached to Midge (although I shudder when I realize this means you know I can actually recognize my horse.) In any case, what do I do with Midge, since the lead change function came attached to a new horse?

Signed,

It Felt Like Infidelity

[LawnOrnamentLuvr]

Dear Pocket Trainer,
How does one replace the batteries in your PT? Mine went dead and I suddenly can’t remember how to throw a tantrum or demand proper service. I almost forgot to ask for a feed allowance on my boarding bill because I supplement carrots. What to do?
I extend my pinkie while I write my board check, but that doesn’t seem to help me while I sip my 1996 Penfold’s Grange. Should I change wine or whine?

Lawny

Houston, where hell rarely freezes over.

[This message was edited by LawnOrnamentLuvr on Oct. 22, 2003 at 10:13 PM.]

[buryinghill1]

Dear PT,

Do youse gots a way to get me off the suspended list?

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear angery in hi scool!

Pocket Trainer HIGHLY recommends the Tutor Service Upgrade ($1995 installation plus $995 per month subscription) to Pocket Junior. Pocket Trainer is confident that if your communication skills are improved, it’s entirely possible that your parents will actually understand that you desire to go to Florida. At this point we are unsure if your parents are denying the request because they don’t want you to go to Florida and miss much needed schooling or simply that they don’t understand what you are saying. In either event, we are confident that the Tutor Upgrade will solve both problems!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[buryinghill1]

DDeeaarreesstt PPTT,

II ppuurrcchhaasseedd aa PPoocckkeett TTrraaiinneerr HHoorrssee-WWhiissppeerreerr 2000 RRoouunnd PPeenn (ddeelluuxxee mmooddeell wwiitthh vvviibbrraattiinngg rroottaattiinngg sseeaatt), bbuutt II ccaann’tt ffiinndd tthhee ooffff sswwiittcchh.

HHooww ddoo II ttuurrnn iitt offff??

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Perplexed!

Pocket Trainer FEELS your pain! The concept of bull riding or Nascar actually causes physical pain to Pocket Trainer. However if one is forced to watch such things, Pocket Trainer understands that cheap American beer is the way to go. Have something that is vaguely aassociated with a clydesdale, and maybe you can pay homage to the fact that they are airing bull riding instead of the American Invitational. I’m sure the Busch family will appreciate it either way.

But if you simply cannot be caught drinking beer, perhaps a fine Charles Shaw, aka “Two Buck Chuck” is more in line with this event. We always recommend a visit to Trader Joes for more information on Two Buck Chuck…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Portia]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

Thank you ever so much for the advice. Forgive me for thinking that I should myself touch a less than spotless horse. That was a suggestion from some Eventers who board next door, and I was misled by their enthusiasm for personally interacting with their beasts. I should have listend to the DQs down the aisle, who, while refusing the thought of going over anything higher than a 6 inch cavaletti, nevertheless know how to stay clean.

Thanks ever so much. The check is in the mail.

Signed,
Hoping for Help in Houston

"Put simply, the necessary ammunition wasn't there - and no balls means no awards."
[I]Robert Hamilton, president of the Clydesdale Horse Society of Scotland, quoted in Ananova, Sept. 29, 2003[/I]

[This message was edited by Portia on Oct. 02, 2003 at 02:05 PM.]

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Lost on Course!

We regret to inform you that we do not offer a line of products for eventing. After much market research and a pilot project with a demo line we learned that repairs and upkeep were simply too costly for the average eventer to maintain the product line to our high standards.

Sadly, this was not due to the quality of workmanship on Pocket Trainer products, but more to some unique characteristics associated with this particular discipline, as follows: Equipment getting yanked off as riders cavort through the brush; riders (and equipment) tossed head first into large, immovable objects; riders (and equipment) frequently finding themselves in the water element, which unlike on a jumper course, contains actual dirty water AND mud; and finally, the distressing tendency for eventers to pride themselves on their ability to flip their horses. This Horse Flipping standard has finshed off every last demo model!

So we regret that we are unable to fulfill your request, although we always invite you to come over to the dark side, er, take up hunter/jumpers. We feel that with your directionally challenged nature that hunter courses my be right up your alley! With your Pocket Trainer guiding your every move, and whooping your way over the last fence, success will be yours!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[JenEM]

LH, Beezer, and PT:

Perhaps as a solution to the stain issue one might consider a concealing mahogany finish to the tack trunk? That would be both classy and pragmatic, though it does have the drawback of being the result of thinking. For that, dearest PT, I apologize, and offer you a glass of 1993 Dom Perignon.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Steeped!

Forgive Pocket Trainer the oversight. We rarely mispeak, and when we do it causes us grave concern. Rather than imply that you wear the same coat every year, we were far more concerned with the idea that one might wear the same “colors” every year.

How could we effectively guide our clients if we could not help them with such challenging decisions as exactly which shade of window pane fresh seafrost khaki goes best with their chestnut mount, and will that same decision hold true two weeks after body clipping?

These are not trivial matters in our world, and we feel that we provide the best possible service in this regard. However, our team of research experts is looking into this sport as we do see many exciting opportunities. Unfortunately our current glitch is how to make a warmblood “effective” in a hunt field. This mount, so suprememly useful with the amateur, is proving to be a bit recalcitrant when it comes to the necessary boldness so vital when riding hell bent for leather over uncertain terrain. Our best mount (Counts For You) has turned into a stopper, flummoxed by his inability to count higher than 9! And while the TB is well suited for such endeavors, some degree of riding talent appears to be critical to survival.

Alas, your quandary appears to be ours as well. We will get back to you as soon as we have solved the riddle. Genetic cloning may play a role.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Also in Houston!

Pocket Trainer is about the Ultimate Show Experience, not some cheap gimmacks like chants or spells. If you are a Pocket Trainer client, rest assured you will not even have to ask your horse for a change. Your Pocket Trainer will make sure your mount knows exactly when and where those changes should occur before you even school your first fence!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Peggy]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

I like to walk my horse off the property to cool him out. He also seems to enjoy it. Unfortunately, he is afraid of the cows that occasionally come down to the edge of their pasture. Do you have some sort of add-on that will detect the cows and alert me to their presence BEFORE I leave the property? Or, am I doomed to join Lost on Course and Ditch Jumper in Event-Land?

Thanks in advance,
Boviphobic

PS My other horse is not bothered by livestock, but he occasionally spooks at nothing and acts like he is seeing dead people. This happens on and off the property. Do you have any products for this?

[Flashy_Gray]

Pocket Trainer - please come back.

The unwashed masses have been sippin’ on 2-Buck Chuck from Trader Joe’s all weekend and they are storming the gates!

I beseech you to come back and restore some genteel sanity to this thread, for the sake of your clients!

Plastic Wal-Mart trunks, indeed!

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Harried and Hopeless!

Of course we have many Pocket Grooms available ($495 installation, $79.95 monthly subscription plus tips!), and can even arrange for one in your nationality of choice (call for estimate and availability).

As always, we recommend a 1992 Stonestreet Legacy Meritage when considering how best to rat out your former groom to the appropriate immigration authorities!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dearest sweet(ly acerbic) Frostbyte!

While you know you have no bigger fan than Pocket Trainer, please understand that we at Pocket Trainer would never be caught at the ingate explaining such obvious requirements to our clients! We pride ourselves on attending to such important details well in advance of our clients debut, especially if they are assuming the reins of a deadly accurate rider’s former mount!

We find this lack of attention to detail to be somewhat typical of the carpetbagger trainer. Swoop in, abscond with the client, sell them another horse for who knows how much. Not that Pocket Trainer has any issues with the concept. But please, do it well or don’t do it at all!

But sadly we at Pocket Trainer must agree that to win the hack one must surely have the proper lining in one’s jacket. If this fails to set off even the rarest glint in one’s mounts coat, then the gate should be one’s reward!

As for worthy charities, Wellington is an ever fickle place, and while keeping Michael Jackson’s nose from sliding off his face may well have been last month’s viable cause, the same cannot be said for today. We currently are addressing the latest cause celebre: Sexually Abused Children. We anticipate considerable focus on this charity, althoug it has been known to puit you on the outs with juge A, while ensuring a championship with Judge B. It’s all in knowing who the judges are.

As always, we recommend a Colgin '95 Herb Lamb Cabernet to top off the satisfaction of knowing you are wearing exactly yhe right coat and attending the “just so” benefit dinner.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[CAH]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

Do you come in the soft version for those days (or shows) when I am in need of being scraped off the ground?

Signed bruised and battered.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Waiting by the wine glasses!

Pocket Trainer recommends you on your resourcefulness, but would like to remind you that too much thinking can cause long term issues in hunter princesses! But we at Pocket Trainer always appreciate a willingness to try a new wine, so all is forgiven…

First and foremost, we never recommend champagne, as the pop of the cork at ringside could interrupt the judge as he is talking on his cell phone. While Pocket Trainer hates to admit this ugly trend exists, it has been shown that certain judges will hold a grudge against anyone who interrupts their phone conversations. But Pocket Trainer understands that some people do not like the heartier reds with a chestnut, and that is certainly reasonable. Naturally this would make one think of something less bold, like perhaps a white zinfandel, but Pocket Trainer only recommends that option if by some chance you find yourself at a local show in the sticks with only a Piggly Wiggly at your disposal.

If one wants to emulate All Things A at all times, Pocket Trainer recommeds a red blend, or meritage style wine. We have found the Penfolds Reserve Cabernet-Shiraz to give on an excellent illusion of pretentiousness, while still allowing you to save your pennies to get out of Non A2 Hell.

Martinis, especiially well made ones are always appreciated, but there is a proper time and place for them. At horse shows, the “cocktail hour” is considered to be while your groom lunges Runs Through The Bit for 2 hours prior to your class, but you should always bring the proper wine to your class!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dearest Faithful!

Pocket Trainer apologizes for this long delay in responding, but Pocket Trainer needed a breather before a hectic winter season, especially as there is a rumor that Pocket Trainer’s services will be much in demand by those who can’t be there, so to speak.

However, in the interim, Pocket Trainer’s (formerly) beloved publicist went off and got herself a job! Can you believe it? As if Pocket Trainer’s occassional “Atta Girl” wasn’t enough to pay her mortgage and keep her horses in the style they believe they are due. And to top it off, she has been cursing about some “too damn good firewall” which I think is merely her excuse for shirking her duties. Normally Pocket Trainer would reward such a thing as a good income with her favorite Cakebread Cabernet, or perhaps a Toad Hollow Zinfandel, but I really feel as if she has abused Pocket Trainer’s good graces, so it is strictly something with a screw top for her.

But enough with my petty problems, on to yours!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[War_Admiral]

I would have to suspect that Pocket Trainer is lurking around our periphery in the form of a chestnut mare…

---

The TB body slave formerly known as Lizviola.