Dear Pocket Trainer:

[Portia]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I’ve seen you giving your valuable advice on the Hunter/Jumper board. I wonder if you might be in a position to provide your insights, and your patented Pocket Trainer line of products, to those outside the hunter ring? For the proper fee, of course.

In particular, I have a grey horse and need advice on how to keep her clean, without getting myself dirty, of course.

Signed,

Hoping for Help in Houston

"Put simply, the necessary ammunition wasn't there - and no balls means no awards."
[I]Robert Hamilton, president of the Clydesdale Horse Society of Scotland, quoted in Ananova, Sept. 29, 2003[/I]

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Tainted With Triteness!

We have nothing but empathy for your plight. Pocket Trainer has only recently emerged from her self induced session of muscle relaxants and 1995 Pine Ridge Chardonnay to banish the spector of plastic trunks, canned beer, box o’wine and MD20/20 (although Pocket Trainer freely admits that this might be THE appropriate use for a plastic trunk)!

To answer your question, Pocket Trainer personally prefers flexoril as the muscle relaxant of choice, however has been known to steal the horse’s robaxin in a pinch. Other drugs might be equally useful for this purpose, but this has been our preferred choice for some years now, and tradition is everything in our sport!

As always, Pocket Trainer recommends that you keep Pocket Attorney ($2395 installation plus $395 monthly retainer) handy should you feel a need to drive while in a state of forgetfulness…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Nipped and Tucked!

While Pocket Trainer applauds your dedication to being all that you can be, even if it involves Michael Jackson’s dedicated team of plastic surgeons, we here at Pocket Trainer must draw the line at plastic surgery on your horse.

Please understand that there is NO problem with your horse that simply cannot be improved by a New and Improved Horse. To that end we direct you to the portion of your Pocket Trainer contract that discusses commi$$ions for your new hor$e. Normally we would schedule a European trip, but fortunately for you, you can save some travel expenses by purchasing at WEF this year. Naturally there will be added commi$$ions, but that is clarly laid out in Paragraph III.B.2.a.ii of your contract.

As always, we recommend gingerly sipping you St. Clements 1998 Oroppes Red while healing from your latest round of “improvements” and contemplating your new star A/O horse!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Beezer]

Dear (HA!) Pocket Trainer:

Pardon the hostility, but Midge and I know for a fact that you have zipped up the Lead Change Fairy in your own dang pocket and won’t set her free to sprinkle her magic fairy lead change dust on the rest of us!

We demand that you release her. Either that, or send us the Pocket Changer, which I believe retails on your Web site for $1999.99 (less if you need only one direction).

Signed, Time for a Change

***** I muck, therefore I am. *****

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Worried that Her Initials May Be Altered!

We at Pocket Trainer understand your fear, and share your concern! While Pocket Junior could very well be programmed to supervise this task, it would require critical changes to the Wine Pouring function, and this is simply not something that neither Pocket Trainer nor our clients is willing to accept!

But back to our theme of picking the correct environment… As an esteemed Pocket Trainer client, we estimate that you spend approximately 40 weeks a year at shows. Thankfully, at the great majority of these shows we find many vendors who are much more skilled at this craftsmanship than your average local shop. Your Pocket Junior is already programmed to oversee this function at an A2 show level!

In the meantime, we suggest that you order a new ratcatcher and baby pad, and pour yourself a healthy glass of 1994 McRea Syrah in order to ease the pain of what will be an inevitable loss of your current choker and baby pad.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[buryinghill1]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nhwr:
Methinks Pocket Trainer needs to go wireless <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Hey PT,
www.digitalsat.com works fine for me

[Flashy_Gray]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

Does you employ any knowledgeable consultants who are environmental design experts in order to create a calmer and more beautiful horse show experience?

I’m not exactly thinking Feng-Shui consulting or anything, but here’s my problem: after a long day of showing, what with all the stresses of figuring out how to set up an empty tack stall to accomodate my personal hot stone massage therapist (I have to do SOMETHING while waiting between classes), I am at the end of my rope.

I want to settle down with a nice glass of cabernet, either a lovely Cuvaison or even that delightful Jordan cabernet, and I am so worried that the color of my favorite wines will clash with the motif/color palette of my tack room drapes.

Can you help me, Pocket Trainer?

Sincerely,

Drooped About Drapes

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Too Many Colors!

While the esteemed Portia is correct in that one cannot alter the color of the “Rainbow Bridge”, we at Pocket Trainer have found a solution to your problem. The phrase “rose colored glasses” reached into our very soul and inspired us! So while we cannot change the colors of the Rainbow Bridge, we can provide you with PT Tinted Spectacles ($399) so that you may view the bridge in your preferred colors!

As to you other inquiry about spelling and grammar, we offer Pocket Trainer Dictionary ($49.95) along with the Pocket Trainer Thesaurus upgrade ($9.95). We developed this service when we realized that a great many of our younger clients were unable to spell out simple phrases like “Where’s my horse!” and “Mommy will fire you if I don’t win tomorrow!” Truly, this was a crisis that could not be ignored!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[buryinghill1]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

Someone told me you are coming out with a WALKING HORSE version! Do tell!

Yours,

There’s Your Horse, Your Honor!

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Spoiled Rotten in Chagrin Falls!

Pocket Trainer thinks you might just be the perfect client for the Pocket Trainer Experience! In fact, if you are enjoying a 1994 Sokol Blosser Pinot Noir while you supervise the painters, we here at Pocket Trainer are delighted to inform you that you match our Ideal Client Standards perfectly!

And Pocket Trainer understands that you get what you pay for and you are the kind of person that wants to get plenty! While our Pocket Junior and Pocket Groom models appear to be comfortably priced, it is important to remember than you cannot purchase them with purchasing Pocket Trainer. We like to think of Pocket Groom and Pocket Junior as the little “extras” that make the whole experience special. But sometimes these “non-horse” type attorneys get a little confused by the things we consider routine in this business. So we recommend our latest product addition: Pocket Attorney ($2395 installation plus $395 monthly retainer).

Just a word of caution first. Pocket Attorney cannot be used for any actions, civil or criminal, outside the Pocket Trainer Experience! But your Pocket Attorney can represent your interests when buying and selling horses, considering Pocket upgrades and representing you, when your 10 year old child runs over the show manager in your golf cart. And best of all, Pocket Attorney is not plagued by any legal doubts when it comes to Double Dipping! There will be no limitation on the horses you can buy! No more worrying that your attorney will step in and screw the deal for last year’s HOTY over a silly thing like quadruple commi$$ion$! And won’t it be a relief to know that Little Susie can drive herself to the foodstand?

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Pudge Pot!

While we at Pocket Trainer would wish that all our clients could partially disappear on side view, we have found reality to be so much more unpleasant. And this tragic inability to attain a perfectly reasonable size 2, even given that our records indicate that you are only 5’8 causes us great concern.

Fortunately, now that you are past your equitation years and considered over the hill, it isn’t quite the crisis it used to be. While a personal trainer is certainly one option, the preferred option is to upgrade your mount to cover for your deficiencies. We suggest Pocket Trainer Matchmaker ($595 per analysis) and Pocket Trainer Search ($999, not including expenses and comi$$ion$).

We also recommend a 1994 Sattui Preston Vineyard Cabernet when contemplating a mount that outshines you, although we highly recommend that you forego all meals!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Big Lick!

Let us just reconfirm that this is a rumor, and Pocket Trainer, for all her secret love of sparkly browbands, will not be making any marketing forays into Tennessee Walker land.

Why we needed to crack open a bottle of '95 Te Kairanga Reserve Chardonnay just thinking about it!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Painted_Joe]

Dear Pocket Trainer:

People tell me my horses teeth look terrible, you know dark stains on the incisors. Is there a dental cleaning option. My horses must have a pearly white smile. I would not dream of doing it myself, how dare I even think of,I would probably break a nail!

Could that come with a pedicure option for my horses also? I can’t see myself cleaning their feet and putting the hoof oil on, I would get dirty!

Sincerely,

Dental Dilemma & Hoof in Mouth

Member of the Western Clique, Quarter Horse Clique and Stallion Clique

Owner of and slave to a small herd - Indio Joe (Paint Stallion), Im A Skip (AppY Gelding), You Cant Imagine (QH mare), and Miss Orphanannie Two (QH mare)

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Interested in Influencing My Equine!

Pocket Trainer is excited about your interest in Lessons Plus® - we suspect you may be the sort of client that celebrates personal achievement.

While Lessons Plus® can improve your ability to ride, the product does require additional time committments fom you. No more only seeing your horses during the class and only during the class, you will now have to take daily lessons! Additionally, because we prefer to save your show horses for really important occassions, Lessons Plus® will require that you purchase at least three “practice mounts.” Naturally these horse will still have to meet Pocket Trainer standards, so it’s best to remember that one A rider’s show mount is another A2 rider’s practice mount…

But soon you will actually be making (closely supervised) decisions when riding your horses! Think how confused your friends will be when you tell them that the final line coming home is a waiting 4 when they know you haven’t spoken to your trainer!

As always, a 1993 Clos du Bois Meritage is considered acceptable when contemplating how one makes 1450 pounds of horseflesh do something it might not care to do…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Beezer]

Ah. Now THAT was worth the wait!

***** Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas is two good knees. *****

[Nikki]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I have a problem. I am what you call an ugly groom magent. At every show these grooms think I’m their one true love and they go out of their way to let me know.

Is there an upgrade that only attract those sexy jump crew guys? OH they are so hot!

How about a vocabulary upgrade so I can chat with the Professional male Grand Prix riders and sound like I know what I’m talking about?

Thank you!

Yours truly,

Looking for hot jump crew man love

http://www.dmtc.com/dmtc98/Pedigree/
Look up your TB’s bloodlines

[Portia]

Oldenburg Mom, your point is well taken.

I, though nowhere near the level of sophistication of dear Pocket Trainer, have been distressed that I do not know how to make proper accents for foreign languages when posting on this board. (For example, when I used the word “declasse” without the proper accent ague, I fretted for hours about it.) I can do them in Word (I even know the keyboard shortcuts), but don’t know how to do them in html or whatever this is.

Could you help give me direction so I am not so obviously gauche?

Signed,
Lost in Internetland

[I]"We've sold your children to pay for the new furniture.  I think you'll find it's a better investment in the long run."[/I]  Carson Kressley, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy [img]http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/winkgrin.gif[/img]

[Beezer]

Just what part of the egg is the nog, anyway? But, I digress…

Pocket Trainer, I’m having a bit of an, um, issue with this whole “long-lining” thing. If I manage somehow not to get myself all tangled up in the dang things, something invariably spooks my horse and I’m suddenly off and dirt skiing. It is not pretty.

Signed, All Wrapped Up and Really Unhappy About It.

***** Dear Santa: All I want for Christmas is two good knees. *****

[Coreene]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

A friend told me that having a something like a pocket trainer in my pocket would make me some kind of pervert. Is this true?

Yours,

Wildly Wondering

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Dressage Regina!

Pocket Trainer finds that in the hunter/jumper world, the children are generally indoctrinated into the sport early on (lead line) where they progress through the ranks. This has the advantage of allowing you to be within a 600 mile radius of the “little darlings” in case you should feel a maternal urge and want to interact with them. But between Pocket Trainer, Pocket Junior (Tutor Service - $1995 installation plus $995 monthly subscription) and Pocket Groom, you can be content in the knowledge that your precious little darlings are palmed off, er, well tended even if you haven’t seen them in 72 hours!

We at Pocket Trainer are eager to learn if this holds true in the dressage environment, because we here at pocket Trainer have learned that the child market is exceedingly lucrative. In fact the only thing that would improve it would be four height divisions in the pony division for the precious darlings to move up through. And given the current plethora of oversize mounts, we have considered petitioning the governing body for a 14’2 to 15’0 pony division!

We always recommend a 1994 Neyers Chardonnay when one realizes that the 14’3 pony could actually be worth something…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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