Dear Pocket Trainer:

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Formerly Drooped but now Stunning!

We are afraid we cannot respond ot your inquiry. Pocket Trainer has a policy of honoring our clients’ request for privacy unless they have specifically requested the Ego Stroke Upgrade ($995) to Pocket Trainer. Then, and only then will we reveal our connection to our clients.

However, Pocket Trainer does admit that some clients are a work in progress and still others are so obscenely wealthy as to allow for some eccentricities in behavior. We always recommend a 1994 Chalone Estate Chardonnay when trying to decide if someone hacking and grooming their own horse can buy and sell you 5 times or is actually the groom.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Frostbyte]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

A few items have come to our attention and we would like a quote from the source before we publish blatant rumors.

We have it on good authority several of your ‘versions’ will be ‘vactioning’ this winter.

‘Grand Prix Rider’-hot and straight verson (If you like the type)

‘Horse Show Manager’-just like WEF only at a different location version

‘Old Virginia Gentleman Trainer’-If you lay down with dogs version

‘Crooked Trainer’-caught too many times and the above mentioned dog version

‘It Was My Vet Trainer’-Maryland, Florida and New Jersey versions

‘Second Generation Trainer’- with Cruelty 4.0 added

‘In the Closet Trainer’- With 'Come Close to Killing ‘em with Calcium at Capitol Challenge’ version

Please advise us soonest as we hate to publish untruths unless we know they are untrue in advance.

---

What Hildegard Wouldn’t Dare.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Xanax Daddy!

Pocket Trainer is confused. What is this “Dressage” thing you speak of? But Pocket Trainer reminds all Pocket Trainer clients that for an additional $995 you can get the Pocket Trainer Earset for on course corrections! However, if you feel you may be challenged by asking your horse to wait coming home or move up the first line we always recommend the Pocket Trainer Implant ($1995, surgery costs extra) so your horse can always hear your trainer’s voice telling him to easy or move up. And let’s face it, your horse doesn’t even recognize you, so he might as well hear a familiar voice!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Portia]

Dear Pocket Trainer –

I am currently planning my annual trip to France for the release next month of this year’s Beaujolais Nouveau. I hope we can plan on seeing a good representation from Pocket Trainer at the festivities?

I thought that this year I might combine my trip with my annual search for a new horse. The Germans are becoming so, well, done, I thought this year I might try a French model. However, it would have to be something that would not clash with the wine.

What color horse to you recommend for this occasion?

Desperate Not to Be Declasse

"Extremism in defense of my horse is no vice!"  [I]Danae[/I]
"Right on!"  [I]Lucy[/I], [I]Non Sequitur, Oct. 8, 2003[/I]

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Frostbyte!

You are a person after our own heart. We can never stress enough how important skilled gossip is, and that was an excellent rendition of it! Treat yourself to a '94 Storrs Aaron Michael Cuvee Merlot to celebrate your wit!

All Pocket Trainer can add is that Pocket Trainer does not and will not lie down in a flea infested bed. We were most shocked when that fine old hound first hooked up with that particular flea infested bed, and we can only say that we hope that the delightful rumor regarding the lifetime professional demise of the flea is not a rumor…

We would also hope that certain managers would take note of the fate of Enron, HealthSouth, Tyco and other people who tried a shell game with money that was not theirs to play with. Pocket Trainer thinks this is a good time to point out that people far more savvy in the business world have been caught with their hand in the till.

Pocket Trainer expects to raise a glass of Ravenswood Merlot in honor of some well deserved punishment. And naturally, Pocket Trainer would like to offerour services to any client left standing in the cold this winter, so to speak.

Pocket Trainer regrets to announce that there will be a 15% surcharge on any services purchased by new clients after December 1, 2003 as the holidays/timeframe will require extra hours to process!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Kerby]

Dear Pocket Trainer,

I saw something at a show this weekend, that quite honestly shocked me. There were people there with home bred horses, the back yard variety. Not only that, the mother was training the daughter, teh father did the driving, and the daughter did all the work herself. And to top it all off I heard her say how her mother made her show shirt!!

I was appalled!! Appalled to the point of almost messing my hair up!! Is there a gift box set that I may perchase for such a person in a sorry state. Or better yet, does “Pocket Trainer” have a charity department for such sad cases of HP abuse??

Yours sincerly
Amazingly Appalled

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Dressage Rgina

As a dressage person we understand that you might not be as familiar with the Pocket Trainer Experience! as our hunter jumper brethren. But let us just say that Pocket Trainer has trademarked the phrase “Better Living Through Chemicals!”

And while Pocket Trainer believes we have bought an exciting perspective to this particular field, let us just say it is a field with many experts. Almost a level playing field, as it were… Sadly this means that if everyone rides a chemically altered mount, then we still have to find a distiguishing characteristic. And so the Autopilot Warmblood was born. And now everyone has one of those.

We at Pocket Trainer believe it might be time for the next wave… Teaching people to actually ride.

It goes without saying that one should enjoy a 1992 Gallo Sonoma Estate Cabernet when contemplating an idea whose time has come…

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[buryinghill1]

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Beezer:
Ah. Now THAT was worth the wait!
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Definitely a Double-Weight Depends P.T. post!

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Lefty!

Pocket Trainer apologizes for the delay in responding. Sadly, Pocket Trainer’s publicist has been involved in all things “veterinary” for the last 48 hours, but she has been chastised for this regrettable lapse. Although to show her that we are considerate folks, we waited until all the “veterinary” news was good. Then we laid into her.

We regret to inform you that if you have purchased and installed the “Abuse” Upgrade you will have to accept any and all abuse coming your way, and we know that you secretly revel in it. However if you suspect that you are not sure you are an “abuse” kind of client, Pocket Trainer recommends the Client Personality Profile service ($495) to see if you fit best with the Standard Pocket Trainer, Nurture Pocket Trainer or Abuse Pocket Trainer.

With our highly accurate profile we can even adjust Standard to be slightly more abusive or nurturing, should you fall outside the accepted parameters of any one of our models (customization - $1995).

But most importantly, Pocket Trainer first recommends that you try a 1993 Ferrari-Canaro Reserve Chardonnay in conjunction with your abuse. You may find that to be the correct combination for your happiness and well-being.

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Oldenburg_Mom]

Dearest Portia,

Since, obviously, Pocket Trainer has not deigned to reply (perhaps he or she (what sex IS Pocket Trainer anyway?) doesn’t KNOW the answer! OMG!) I will assist you, but only because you used the word déclassé correctly, albeit, without accents.

Ahem!

By holding down the ALT key and entering in special codes on the keypad, the correct letters with accents (or cedillas) will appear.

Here are some frequently used codes:

ê-0234
é-0233
è-0232
ç-0231

I hope this helps you become … well, correct! As for Pocket Trainer. Well! It’s not what I THOUGHT it was.

Plus, I want to know what whine errrrr wine to choose when complaining to Pocket Trainer.

[B]The adventure has begun…[/B]
KT

P.S. In case you were wondering, the more people I get to know, the more I loff my horsie.

[nhwr]

Forgive me for jumping in, Pocket Trainer. But Velvet has been going on and on about this very subject on the dressage forum. (We finally got a muzzle on her though )

Beezer,

I think the problem is the rubber content of your equipment is too low. That and you must be dressed in black. Make sure your spurs are long and polished; that your whip is the proper length and has a really good thwack to it. The proper equipment is essential for minimizing problems of entanglement

Dressage Regina

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear wanting to be a commissioned rep!

Pocket Trainer cannot sacrifice its high $tandard$ and cut price, even for a Euro market. However, Pocket Trainer currently makes a killing, er, good living on upgrading Pocket Trainers to the “Foreign Pocket Trainer” model (if you have to ask, you can’t afford). We are always looking for good connections as it relates to Oirish Lads, as this is a demand we can barely meet under our current international arrangements.

Perhaps we can arrange for a mutually $ati$fying arrangement regarding an exchange for Oirish Lads and your own personal Pocket Trainer Experience?

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Horrified in Harford!

Pocket Trainer sympathizes with your plight and recommends that if you cannot arrange to use the 1 hour PANIC button on your Pocket Trainer Communicator (thereby alerting the Pocket Team to get your mount ready for anything), then we highly recommend that you put your Pocket Team on 24 hour alert to have one of your mounts safely ready to go at all times. This may seem a little extreme, but extreme circumstances call for extreme measures!

In the meantime, open another couple bottles of Chardonnay and be sure your spouse drinks 3 glasses for your one. Then if he does happen to get the jump on the Pocket Team (highly unlikely!), Pocket Junior can hop on and pretend to be you, and he will never know the difference!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Concerned Friend!

Normally Pocket Trainer would think that we are up to the task of the most inept or ancient rider, but the Quandary of Icky Sushi is a sticky one. Almost as prickly as a sea urchin as it were…

Sadly, we at Pocket Trainer have just about accepted defeat in this matter. We are still considering a well flung meat hook to drag this person back on course, prompt a decent lead change or quite possibly keep him from flinging himself about the ears of any poor beast, but one must understand this must be a very talented meat hook to do so much?

And Pocket Trainer has absolutely despaired of convincing this person to upgrade to a wine with a cork. Personally, Pocket Trainer feels if only this misguided rider would see the light of a '94 Cakebread Reserve Chardonnay, much would improve. Unfortunately we understand that in spite of a dedicated intervention from close friends, the only change has been from boxed wine to screw top. It hurts, we tell you, it hurts to see one so promising stray so far from the fold…

But it is riders like this that inspire even more dedication from all of us here at Pocket Trainer! Why if only we can save this rider, we just know we can save ANYONE!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[khobstetter]

Dear Pocket Trainer…

While I understand the importance of “veteraniary” responsibilities taking your time I am now writing for the second time and now find myself in a totally HUGE problem with the Pocket Trainer products.

When I wrote for advice/information on Friday, October 3 the situation was not too out of control. EARLY Saturday morning your Pocket Trainer Pocket Princess, Pink Tata Model arrived at our front door.

This has sent the electrical/electronic system of my original product (Pocket Man Mister) into overload and I cannot seem to get it reprogramed.

The 2 products in the same house/barn has seemed to create some sort of magnetic field for the Pocket Man Mister and I cannot get him unattatched to “the Princess”. There is a magnetic attatchment there that I cannot seem to undo.

The Pocket Princess product seems, at the same time, to have a short wire in it’s 'puter board…it simply fluffs is wirey yellow “hair”, blinks it’s eyes, smiles and applys lipstick ALL the time…nothing more…

What to do…can they be fixed or may I return them for a different product.

Oh dear…PLEASE HELP ME!!!

http://www.foxpointefarm.com
http://www.go-sho.org

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Sister to a Sinner!

Given your very understandable high level of angst, we shall forgive the informal use of “Pockets”. But Pocket Trainer must ask you not to refer to her in endearments that might put one in mind of a particularly cute corgi puppy. Just as one does not refer to The George as “Georgie-kins,” one should not use any diminutives when talking about She Who Knows All.

Your current situation leaves Pocket Trainer practically spewing her 1994 Domaine Drouhin Laurene Pinot Noir all over the keyboard with the sheer outrage of it all!

But Pocket Trainer believes you just might be on to something with this adoption concern. Have you considered trying to find your real parents? After all, a person of your discriminating taste and fashion must surely have wealthy parents.

Failing that, I am afraid that desperate times call for desperate measures… Hypothetically speaking, would your sister’s body fit into the plastic storage thingie?

As always, Pocket Trainer recommends a 1996 Grove Mill Sauvignon Blanc when watching Double Indemnity and jotting down useful notes

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[hoopoe]

Gone south to sunny climes for the “vacation season”

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/storydisplay.cfm?storyID=3542031

_\]
– * > hoopoe
The ancient Greeks did not write obituaries. They only wanted to know if you had a passion.

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Buzzed Off DownSouth!

Now, Now, dearest Buzzed Off… we have had this conversation several times, and you know we have told you to leave that other device in the bedside drawer! you must simply learn to tell the difference between them, although we have noted your previous habit of having us page you 346 times a day, so we can only conclude there is a certain pattern emerging!

But we here at Pocket Trainer exist to make a client happy, no matter how offbeat that request might be! If you like, we can arrange to page you tomorrow at 4:00PM, 4:04 PM, 4:08PM and so on, until your ride is finished. if nothing else, GrasPferde should become accustomed, eh?

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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[Portia]

BH1 –

[I]"We've sold your children to pay for the new furniture.  I think you'll find it's a better investment in the long run."[/I]  Carson Kressley, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy [img]http://chronicleforums.com/images/custom_smilies/winkgrin.gif[/img]

[Pocket_Trainer]

Dear Wet Breeches!

You know we live to entertain you!

Yours in a Pocket!

Pocket Trainer

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