Depressed rider UPDATE post 36 now trying to make an effort to start therapy

[phoebetrainer]

Yes CBT does work, but what no one else on here has said: you need to want it to work and have to take an active part in your own treatment.

This really worries me: “I think I realize I’m gonna have to do something more then just meds in order to get there (but I really REALLY don’t want to).”

Is it that you don’t want to or that you don’t have the energy to? If you really don’t want to, what are the benefits to you of staying unwell? Or of maintaining your current state? What would it look like if you were not depressed? What is the picture of your life once you get through this?

Lots of people need the meds to get to the point they can answer these sorts of questions and get the energy to participate in therapy. Maybe, although you are feeling better, your meds still aren’t quite right.

[Leather_hAlter123]

phoebetrainer - Very good point. I do want to get better, the thing I don’t want to do is start, and I don’t know how to ask for what I need. If I were to go into therapy I know i’d be fine once it has started. The hard part for me is asking for a referral, figuring out insurance, filling out form, going in for the first time. I have a hard time asking for help (or in the current situation more help).

Obviously there is no benefit staying in state I’m in currently. Before getting any treatment at all last year I don’t remember a time where I didn’t feel bad, so It’s hard to know what normal is like. I don’t really know what my life would be like once I get through it.

I have to follow-up with my doc in a couple weeks anyway. Should probably write this stuff down to remind myself before I go in that NO things are not going good, otherwise I will just end up saying everything is fine. Although most of the physical symptoms haven’t come back, my mood is definitely staying down consistently the last couple weeks (the job news doesn’t help of course) and I still never got to a point where my indecisiveness and inability to initiate things didn’t screw up things I want.

[Jeannette_formerly_ponygyrl]

[QUOTE=DressageGeek “Ribbon Ho”;5912886]
Well, let’s say awesome things happened, would you expect it to fix your diabetes if you had that? No, right? Same thing. Just because mental illness is such a complicated group of diseases and our diagnostics/therapeutics are not where we want them to be, doesn’t mean it is any less an illness.

And small steps. Try not to beat yourself up about not doing it all. Like physical therapy after an injury - after the cast or brace comes off, they don’t have you doing leapfrog. They have you trying to isolate muscles, and that’s plenty hard enough.

Wishing you the best.[/QUOTE]

Just giggling, because I have been diabetic, umm, 39 years (shessh! No wonder I’ve been depressed at times. TIme flies) I 've been doing CBT recently, and yes, I hadn’t thought to just ask her to help me do away with this condition, but I’ll try to remember to !

[AlterN8tive]

Signing in under my alter for obvious reasons…

CBT does work, and yes, you have to WANT it to work and be willing to be honest with yourself and your therapist in order to progress. I learned this in the past couple of weeks as I struggled through answering some really hard questions that were posed to me regarding my addictions.

To use a HR illustration, it was like opening up a hoof abcess! The pain and pressure of past issues was making me lame (depressed, angry, withdrawn, etc) and opening up the abcess to drain (answering the questions truthfully and out loud) allowed the pus and blood to drain out so real healing could begin. Heck yeah it hurt to sit there and reveal the truth behind the addiction, but it was the only way to get to the breakthrough. Healing is slow, but at least it is progressive and I am headed in the right direction now.

With that being said, the first thing I had to FULLY admit to myself was that I COULD NOT do this by myself. I tried for 2 decades and got the same results. Only when I sought the help of others did the recovery process begin.

((hugs))

ETA - please do get your vitamin levels checked. My vitamin D level was not just low, it was 10 points lower than the lowest of the range. My endocrinologist actually found this as part of a blood workup for Hashimotos disease (which I do have and added to the depression, but not the root cause - root cause being my addiction) and he started me on vitamin D3 supplements which made a huge difference. Definitely also check into light therapy. Wintertime is not a friend of depression and lack of sunlight can really mess some people up mentally.

Hope this helps.

[Gayla]

The change process began the moment you started to consider getting more help. The medications have good short term effects. But the research shows that long term people show much lower levels of depressed feelings if they do therapy with medication. Push through the bad feelings to make the calls to make an appointment, it is also part of the change process. The person on the other end of the phone has your best interest at heart. Take as good of care of yourself as you do of your horse!

[Leather_hAlter123]

Ok I’ve decided when I go see doc next to ask about trying/getting a referral for therapy. And obviously will have have to discuss the meds not working right any more.

Symptoms are definitely back consistently and I’m so tired of feeling this way. And GRRR my family is frustrating. This morning mother dearest told me to stop wallowing.

My brother has gone into therapy in the past for anger issues, why do I have a feeling the wont be as supportive for me.

[DressageGeek_Ribbon]

You will have to find support elsewhere, like here. And hopefully you can educate them.

[Leather_hAlter123]

So today my mom came to watch my lesson and video tape and noticed how tired I was while riding. After while I was walking out and still sitting on the super horse I managed to get her to listen to me that no I’m not just tired, I don’t just need to take up yoga (though I’m sure that would be beneficial as well) and that I’m having a rough time, my symptoms are coming back and I think I need to talk to the doc about my meds.

I also managed to tell her I think I should ask his thoughts/a referral for a therapist because when the meds are working it makes living life the way I do now great (within my comfort zone) but I need to learn how to push beyond that.

The dose of Cipralex I’m on is still fairly low so I will admit I kinda hope it might just need an increase. It was working great and I had no side effects from it. But what will be will be.

Calling doc office on Monday to see if I can get in there on Wed.

[DressageGeek_Ribbon]

Good. Here’s hoping they can help you resolve the issues.

[Leather_hAlter123]

Managed to get an appt for tomorrow morning. For some reason I’m nervous which is silly because 1) it’s not my fault if the meds aren’t working quite right anymore and 2) he already knows I’m depressed so he knows exactly why I’d be asking about therapy. Just asking for help (or in this case more help) is so hard and I always have trouble figuring out how to phrase things.

[ClassAction]

Nope, not your fault your meds aren’t working right anymore! I think that in the past 10 years I’ve been on just about every medication on the market. You name it, I’ve tried it. Some worked for a while and then the dose had to keep going up so far that I had to switch. Now I’m on a combination of things that seem to be working (thus far! don’t want to jinx it!)

You “just” have to be persistent. Seriously. And if your doctor isn’t cutting it anymore, “just” find a new one. It’s tough to do, which is why “just” is in quotes, but sometimes necessary. I had one doctor tell me I was out of new meds to try, I should think about surgery. Tried a different doctor who put me on something that has worked for the past year.

And I did 3 solid months of residential-level-intensity DBT (which is a type of CBT). Was AMAZING. PM if you want to hear more!

[Leather_hAlter123]

Had my appt this morning. Trying a dose increase to see if that helps.

Dr gave a couple names of therapists to look into, and said to consider some others since you need to be able to click with and trust them. He just said to be sure they wont try to talk me into coming off the meds sooner then I should.

My dad has been told that I think he’s giving off vibes that I should just suck it up and get over it. So now he’s being better.

[DressageGeek_Ribbon]

Good on all counts. Hang in there!

[CaptFireGirl]

[QUOTE=Leather hAlter123;5934143]
Had my appt this morning. Trying a dose increase to see if that helps.

Dr gave a couple names of therapists to look into, and said to consider some others since you need to be able to click with and trust them. He just said to be sure they wont try to talk me into coming off the meds sooner then I should.

My dad has been told that I think he’s giving off vibes that I should just suck it up and get over it. So now he’s being better.[/QUOTE]

So glad to hear that you’re moving forward! I hope the dose increase helps you, but, as I said before, that medication worked for me, then stopped working at all, regardless of dose. Although fatigue is one of the symptoms of depression, it may indicate that you need a different class of anti-depressive medication. Lexapro is an SSRI, meaning it only works on one neuro-transmitter, serotonin. SNRI’s work on two, Serotonin and Norepinephrine. These tend to help much more with the fatigue and mental clarity, in my experience.

Any therapist who doesn’t work with your doctor on your medications, and tries to get you off them is not a “medical team player”, and likely isn’t someone you want to work with. The goal is you being more energetic, happy, and functioning at your best, not just getting you off the meds. Medications aren’t good or bad, they are a tool to help you toward health. Use them when you need the tool, for as long as you need the tool!

I was struck by the wording of your comment about your dad. “He has been told”; rather than "I told him that…; I would encourage you to think about talking directly to your dad. He may be confused, or feeling guilty that his child is having issues, and doesn’t know what to do. Openly addressing the issue with him and telling him what he can do to support you would be a very empowering step for you. Think about it, and good luck!!

CFG

[Leather_hAlter123]

Seems like the med increase started kicking in yesterday. Feeling a bit better. I actually have enough motivation to start working on my resume.
And now that I am feeling better I guess it’s time to kick myself in the butt, stop talking about just wanting to try therapy and start actually looking into it seriously.

[Leather_hAlter123]

After putting it off for a few more weeks I’m trying to make an effort to contact one of the Psychologists offices I was thinking of trying this week. The one I was thinking of trying is a practice with 11 therapists working out of there.

I have a rediculous amount of anxiety when it comes to making phone calls, so I sent an e-mail yesterday just to inquire if they were even accepting new clients and what there fees were. Figured at least finding that out before making myself make the phine call would be good.
So I was kind of hoping I would get a reply today but did not. So now I’m anxious about how long I should wait for a reply before getting worried (what if it got lost in cyberspace, what if it got ignored).

I should probably just force myself to call on monday when I have time and get it over with.

[Justa_Bob]

Good for you! Yes, do force yourself. Its probably the depression and anxiety that is taking its toll – remember to not take it personally!

Depression is a very special animal…and everyone has their own variety. Trying different things to see what works for you is the best strategy. Going in without pre-existing ideas helps too. And you may have to knock on a few therapists’ doors to find the right match for you. Not too different than finding the right horse!

Hyperbole and a Half created this awesome blog:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

Best wishes. Depression sucks.

[draftdriver]

When I get anxious about small stuff, such as you with the phone calls, I ask myself “What is the WORST thing which could happen if I do this?” Worst case: you’re phoning in a raging thunderstorm and the phone wire gets hit while you’re on the line and fries your head (see, lots of us have vivid imaginations ). For me, the fear comes from what I think other people might think about me, or what the phone call might lead to (e.g. an appointment).

Remember, You Are In Control of the situation. You can say no, or walk away. Maybe keep your car key in your pocket as a symbolic touchstone of your ability to leave an uncomfortable situation.

Best wishes.

[Zu_Zu]

JINGLES PUSH ON HUGS YOU CAN DO THIS

JINGLES PUSH ONHUGS YOU CAN DO THIS WHEN YOU ARE READY BE SMART AND BE BRAVE

[Penthilisea]

OP, I could have written many parts of your posts myself.

Do you have a supportive family member or friend who can make phone calls for you?

Re: CBT, the early work is done by thinking differently. You can do it lying in bed. It’s just thinking. For me that was a lot more realistic than people telling me to just do X. If I could have done X, I wouldn’t need help!

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk, or if you don’t have a supportive person in your life to make calls.